Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Picture Taking - Part 1

There are so, so many things I don’t understand about girls – now many of these things I am smart enough to not ask about - and most of the others I don’t want to know. That being said, there is one area I would like clarification on: Picture taking.

I lead a boring life…a REALLY boring life…I mean last week I watched almost an entire episode of Malcolm in the Middle – anyways, this lack of meaningful stimulation forces me to spend an awkward amount of time on social networks viewing people’s page, and subsequently, their pictures.

Now, as a guy I understand how guy’s pictures work. Either the guy is wasted, or striking a pose he hopes will help him get laid in the future. (I understand this is slightly redundant in that if a guy is wasted – EVERYTHING he does is in the hope that he will get laid.) My point is that there is no confusion – no head-scratchers – nothing that makes you sit back and think, “At what point in my life would I stop and say – I not only want to do this – but I want picture evidence of it later.” Which brings us to girls…

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Notice in this picture - the guy is obviously drunk and happy to be in a picture with 5 good looking girls. Fair enough - he is holding his arms up and smoking a cigarette - again trying to look cool / funny in an attempt to get laid. No problems here. But why do 3 of the girls feel the need to squat? Am I confused and this is actually their high-school team basketball picture? Are they a church choir - or doing a cheer? The girl on the far right looks like she has squatter's envy since she got stuck in the back row. On both sides is a load of luxurious space that could be filled with people - but instead everyone is hunched over. Do girls always want the option to put the picture in a frame and assume they need the extra side-space? Do girls consider the squat a flattering pose? Before the picture are you like - "Wait! Make sure you focus on the tops of my shoulders and my ass sticking out!"

Now there are plenty of other things girls do in pictures that I don’t understand and may write about in the future (gang signs, kissy face, and the worst – a picture of everyone's feet) but for now lets focus on the squatting. Maybe some of you can answer the following questions:

Why must you squat?
Is it always the same person squatting (can you be a squatter or non-squatter)?
Sub-question - If not - do you fight over who GETS to squat?
Is the squat predetermined or is it done in the heat of the moment?
Why is it never the girl in a low-cut shirt?

Ok maybe that last one was a bit skeezy - but it bears asking! Knowing most of you reading this are of the female persuasion please help me understand "The Squat" and it's place in society.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Super Sexy Update

Drink it up ladies...

Random conversation from tonight:

Chuck: Would you do Queen Latifah?
Me: No?...Would you?
Chuck: Fuck yeah!
Me: ....
Chuck: You wouldn't fuck Queen Latifah just to tell you friends you fucked Queen Latifah?
Me: We have the same friends...and they would all say the same thing..."Why?"
Chuck: You would totally do Queen Latifah
Me: Am I drunk?
Chuck: Of course
Me: Hell yes I would fuck Queen Latifah!

Other random conversation:

Me: Chuck, if I were a spy and constantly drug you into my business and you had to get me out of trouble all the time would you get pissed?
Chuck: Am I your side-kick?
Me: No - you are still in school but I am always calling you to save my ass and you get shot at and stuff
Chuck: Do I get a gun?
Me: No
Chuck: I would get a little frustrated

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

"Nothing" or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Female

In reading my friend’s incredibly entertaining blog – I realized that girls do a much better job of verbalizing their confusion in men than men do in women. Perhaps this is because women are just so batshit crazy that man’s only response is to throw his arms up and walk away, or, perhaps, men have just accepted this behavior as a necessary evil to getting laid. Either way, I thought I would write about one thing that drives me insane about women, and more importantly, relationships.

*I should point out that this post is not a reflection of any past relationship in particular - my most recent ex may not have been thrilled about hatred for all things movement, but understood and even participated in my laziness. This post is more a collection of various conversations I have had with other guys about why they are afraid to commit.

So on to my #1 pet peeve in relationships – the scheduling. If you call me on my drive home and say, “What are you doing tonight?” My response will be, “Nothing.” – which is where the confusion sets in. To explain this I think we may need to look at the language itself.

The word Nothing.

To women – “nothing” means that the guy has nothing PLANNED. This, in turn, means that the guy should immediately make plans with her. I have never heard a girl say that she was doing “nothing” unless she expected to be invited to do “something”. A night of doing “nothing” for a girl is often spun to sound like “something” – “Are you kidding me? I am watching Laguna Beach tonight!” is often a response to the question of plans. In their defense, a girl planning to stay home and watch a half-hour show will spend hours in preparation making dinner and talking with countless friends about last weeks episode (not to mention post-game analysis of how much of a bitch ____ is and how _____ is so hot). A half-hour show (not that I know how long it is…that’s just what the neighbor girl told me while I was using a chain saw and eating steak the other night) becomes an event, a plan, a plan that must be scheduled.

Now to men. Men treat the word “nothing” as an event. Doing “nothing” is “something”. “Nothing” means I am going to go home, sit on the couch, eat shitty food and complain about how nothing is on. Even when something IS on – my plans are “nothing” – it just means I consider sitting around watching “The Office” as “nothing”. It seems girls get insulted when doing “nothing” does not turn into an invitation to do “something”. I have no problem doing “nothing” with a girl – as long as she understands the rules: the food is unhealthy, the language vulgar and movement out of the question.

Having plans is great – and extremely important in relationships. I love going out to eat, renting a movie, going to the game and all the little things that go with dating. Those are the things that you can talk about and remember and make a couple, “a couple” – but at the same time, a relationship should never turn into a full-time job. Sometimes it is just as important to have “nothing” planned.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Redneck Log 9/12

In Delphos when you pass a stranger on the street you both nod and say, “Hello!”

In Cleveland when you pass a stranger on the street you divert your eyes and say, “Sorry, buddy, I'm out of change.”

I am headin back to the hometown for a long weekend for our yearly town festival. We slap a block-long tent selling alcoholic beverages across main street - the money raised is just enough to put up another beer tent over the 4th of July.

I will finally get to see my new nephew Luke for the first time and spend some quality time with my three yr old nephew Jack this weekend. This month has been a kick in the ass for your fearless hero and if there is one thing my family won't do is give me any sympathy. Catching some shit from the old man and being bossed around by a three yr old sounds like a helluva weekend. The big city is great and all - but a few days behind an impact wrench, killing some Bud Heavy and teaching the nephew dirty words might be better for me than crawling inside of $5 Crown and Cokes.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the Land of Cleves - but in the last month I have completely overhauled my diet, started working out, hit my stride at work and become born again single - sorry, buddy, I'm out of change.