Thursday, December 27, 2007

I've Got An Election

I apologize for the lack in posting. If you can't tell by my feeble attempt at a sexual reference in the title, I've been circling Writer's block for the last week trying to find the address of Something Interesting.

I've also been working on a new title / layout for this blog. I'm hoping with enough pretty pictures you won't notice my lack of interesting posts (the Baywatch Theory).

Anyways it is election season...I think. My brain can only handle a certain amount of information, as noted in the chart below:

Don't act like the words Jeff Nomina Pie Chart don't make you hungry.

Anyways that chart is obviously a sham but the amount of cute girls in my life would decrease significantly if the zombie and bear portions were increased to be more realistic.

As you can see - there is no room for politics. I didn't vote in the last election - mainly because I believe that an uneducated vote is worse than a non-vote. (I also believe in justifying my laziness with profound thoughts.) In the years that have followed, I have been in countless arguments about the merit of my "Don't Vote, Dumbass" theory - making it actually have the OPPOSITE effect on my quest to be lazy. For this reason I have decided to vote in the upcoming election.

So where the fuck do I start??? Listening to politicians speak is like me talking to a supermodel - she is just telling me what I want to hear so I'll punch her ticket. The commercials are even worse - I'd really love to know what these people stand FOR, not AGAINST. Maybe that is why I don't get chicks, instead of saying, "I'm really into fitness and showering women with expensive gifts." I need to say, "I HATE DEAD PUPPIES AND I WON'T STAND FOR IT ANYMORE!" Hell if it got Bush elected it HAS to work miracles.

And now with the upcoming election (an extremely important one with the way things have gone the last 8 years) the important issues have been sidestepped - focusing instead on the question, "Is America ready for a black / female President?" It is hard to get motivated to get educated and go vote when so many people will vote for (or against) a candidate simply because of their race / sex. Besides, if we just had mentally challenged President, how can we be prejudice against race or sex?

So my question is - where do I go to get the facts? The candidates are too busy flinging their own poopoo at each other, the news media is skewed and I am extremely lazy.

Is there somewhere that explains and breaks down the candidates and their stance on important issues (like zombie attacks and casual Fridays)? Or am I stuck with another four years of explaining why I didn't vote?

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Drawing A Blank

At what age is it uncool to get a tattoo?

I'm 24 now. My coolest years are more or less behind me - I can throw on a trendy shirt and talk about how Metallica sold out - but I know entirely too many keypad shortcuts in Excel to ever really be cool again. Every time I go to a show at the Grog Shop I get that look like, "Who brought their Dad?".

Why does an office job add 10 years to your social status? I don't have a mini-van and I'm still years away from thinking Frasier was funny - so why can't I have a tattoo?

"You'll regret it when you're older!" <-- That was the blog-version of my Mom; who doesn't read my blog but has that weird sixth sense that one of her kids is doing something she doesn't like so she sent that message telepathically. But I AM older. I'm not that blind 18 yr old kid who thought the future was like Santa - something parents told you just so you would behave. I see that life has me by the balls; and I am A-O 401K with that.

So I've decided I want a tattoo. I have wanted a tattoo since I was 13 yrs old - and now, now that I have committed myself to the idea of permanent graffiti; and being shunned by Momina Nomina - I have no fucking idea what I want. 11 years I have had to think about this - and still nothing. Not even a general idea or a few to choose from. My only discernible talent in life seems to be my indecision - so I am reaching out to you, Reader. What brilliant ideas do you have for me to permanently mark on my body only to regret later in life?

Song of the day-

Van Morrison (and The Band) - Caravan

Monday, December 17, 2007

Random Notes - 12 / 18

Nothing proves you are lazy like taking the easy route even on your hobbies. Instead of putting time and effort into this blog, which I very much enjoy, I have resorted to random thoughts and Top 5 lists. It's like an alcoholic being hooked on Zima. Yeah, Dude, you are still wasted, but show some pride!

Remember when goatees used to be cool? Shut up, Reader, goatees were cool at one time and you know it. Now goatees are reserved for guys who wear sports jerseys and still quote American Pie. What happened to the days when it was cool to have facial hair, but only RIGHT HERE.

Couldn't Mr. Telephone and Mr. Calculator have called each other and set the numbers up the same way? Why is one set up with ascending numbers and the other with descending numbers? I can't tell you how many times I am working on my calculator and turn to the phone to dial and dial the numbers backwards. At first I was embarrassed, but now I refuse to apologize for doing something that makes sense. I shouldn't have to dumb myself down to someone else's invention (I'm looking at you Mr. VCR Clock).

When I moved to Cleveland everyone kept warning me about the snow. I have lived in Northwest Ohio my entire life, and though we get snow, we don't get nearly as much as CleveLand-Before-Time. That being said, it took me about two days to adjust to the driving conditions (granted my truck makes Mother Nature my bitch). So why do the native Clevelandonians act like a natural disaster at the first sight of bad weather? I swear if a single flake drops from the sky, every driver on 480 slams on their brakes and immediately has a seizure. It is snow people - not oncoming traffic - slamming on your brakes is actually the LEAST safe thing you can do. "Hmmm, its slick outside? I think I better slam on the brakes and give the person behind me .5 seconds to react and try to stop on a sheet of ice. That is much safer than maintaining an acceptable speed!" (Editor's Note: I have never actually heard someone say that.)

Giving kids clothes on Christmas is like giving a homeless guy a coat. Yeah, he probably needs it, but it is in no way helping him buy drugs.

Song to chew on-

The Hold Steady - Stuck Between Stations

Friday, December 14, 2007

The Grinch

There are three kinds of thought about Christmas.

The first is Christmas As a Natural Disaster. Some people don’t see Christmas coming, they forget to board up the windows and stock up on canned goods - then all of a sudden Christmas cheer hits them like a ton of bricks. These are the people who are over-decorated, over-stressed and over-cheerful. The breed is also responsible for the famous Christmas sweaters that have elevated our society to new heights of embarrassment. You can define these victims by their glossed over stare and wide, over-dramatic smile.

Second is the Sneaky Santa. These are the people who sneak Christmas in on you. I HATE hearing about Christmas before Thanksgiving. In my mind, Christmas is just Thanksgiving with more stress – but these people feel the need to overlook Thanksgiving because “Christmas is coming!” Why concentrate on a Holiday about giving thanks for what we have, when we could focus on the commercialization of one of the most important religious holidays of the year – not to mention the presents we are going to get. Maybe it is just me but it seems a little backwards. This breed also shops everyday from October – December to be prepared. You will also find their car stereo programmed to all Christmas music.

Third, and my breed, The Grinch. I hate it. I hate the cheer, I hate the decorations, I hate the songs, I hate being wished a Merry Christmas, I hate the stress, the shopping, the traveling and the lack of emphasis placed on naps (I miss you Thanksgiving). It is just a holiday, just like every other holiday, I don’t understand the “mystique” around Christmas. It would be such a fun holiday if people didn’t go so crazy over every aspect. Is that third blow-up Santa necessary in your lawn, Neighbor Man? I love my family, I love the good food and the memories, but I don’t see the need for the other stuff. The overboard stuff.

With that said, here are the few things I DO enjoy about Christmas.

A Charlie Brown Christmas Soundtrack.
Animated Christmas movies (The Grinch, Rudolph, Frosty)
Nat King Cole’s Christmas Album
Watching little kids open Christmas presents
Days off
Chocolate and peanut-butter Buckeyes
Kids getting an expensive gift, only to play with the box for the rest of the day

Can’t I just enjoy the little parts of the Holiday without selling my soul to Santa? Why am I am Grinch if I don’t want to celebrate Christmas until…well…Christmas?

NEW FEATURE: Stealing this idea from a much better blogger (because that’s what I do) I am going to include an addition to every post. While she includes a quote that provokes thought and enlightenment, I am just going to throw a song on the end of mine.

Nat King Cole – The Christmas Song

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Random Notes - 12 / 11

Ways to tell someone is from the country – the phrase “in town”. Back home it is a completely sufficient answer to say something is “in town”. Armed with only that as a direction I can find almost anything. In Cleveland you can say something is “downtown” and I won’t be able to find it for three days. Unless you say “there are a lot of homeless people downtown” – then I will find them in a matter of minutes.

You should only take a girl on a date to a hockey game if you can refrain from cheering during fights. I should not take a girl on a date to a hockey game.

Why don’t movies have sweet car chases anymore? I think every movie should contain some crazy Blues Brothers / Dukes of Hazard car chase scene at some point. Don’t act like The Notebook couldn’t use a few demolished cop cars and the General Lee flying over some wrecked bridge. I’ll get you Bo and Luke Duke!

Is there anything funnier than when someone tries to push open a door from the hinge side – or pulls a push door? I can’t help but giggle every time. Its like laughing at someone for tripping only you don’t feel like an asshole.

Two rules for airports – When the plane lands and the seatbelt lights goes off – you have another 15 minutes before you get off the plane. Unless there is some sort of gold ribbon award that I don’t know about for being the first passenger to stand up and wait in line – all it does it make you look like an idiot. No amount of frustrated sighs or impatient glances at your watch will change the fact that every plane of all time has taken 15 minutes to unload the passengers. Except maybe John Denver’s…too soon?

When you finally DO get off the plane – don’t stand directly in the doorway to hug your family. I get it – you are excited to see them, I’m happy for you, really, Nana looks great, but get the fuck out of my way or I will shove this goddamn bag of peanuts so far up your ass George Washington Carver will roll in his grave.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Top 10 Skills For Manhood

I was recently reading an article about the 25 skills all men should possess. Some of the things listed in the article were true – changing the oil in your vehicle, backing up a trailer, how to filet a fish and get your car unstuck are definitely things I agree should be on the list (even though I can’t filet a fish – but my manhood has been in question since I used the phrase “antsy in my pantsy” a few posts back). Others were headscratchers – rescuing a capsized boater? Really? Is that even a skill? Are you like, “Oh my god, their boat capsized!!! Quick, someone call Jim – he is AWESOME at boat rescues!” Another skill was extending your wireless network – with the advice to “buy better equipment”. No shit? I thought if I tied two cans together with string and wrote Google on one I could finally get to the porn!

So I decided to make my own Top 10 list (25 would take too long and I am really, really lazy). I would love to hear others’ opinions, as I have lead a fairly sheltered life, growing up in the country and all, so I may have missed some very important skills.

Changing A Tire.

The rest of this list is in no particular order but I think this has to be number one. It isn’t hard and everyone has to do it sooner or later. If you can’t do it and a girl comes in and does it for you – you officially have to return your penis and get a tattoo that says, “I’m a nancy boy”.

Unhooking A Bra.

Doesn’t have to be the first try, fellas – but you gotta be able to do it. If a girl is wearing some crazy bra that has a clasp harder to break than the vault of a casino – then there is no point deduction. Double-points are awarded for the one-handed release.

Haggle With A Salesman

This is really just a pissing contest – and what do guys like more than competition? Answer: chicken wings and boobs. But competition is third – and rarely are chicken wings eaten in an environment when there is some, even if unspoken, competition going on. I forget what I was talking about. Did someone say boobs?

Drink A 6 Pack Without Getting Drunk

You can be buzzing, that is not a problem, but 6 beers does not mean you are allowed to dance (the greatest litmus test of drunkenicity).

Compliment A Girl

I can hear the guys collectively making fun of me on this one. Swallow the pride boys – girls spend entirely too much time trying to impress us - so get over yourself for 30 seconds and notice the new haircut or if she obviously went out of her way on the outfit. Not saying you have to get all Joan Rivers on their ass – but it won’t kill you to acknowledge she is out of your league.

Approach A Girl At A Bar

Oh man this one sucks. Girls have NO idea because even if you approach a guy at a bar – you are still the attractive species so it is always welcomed. We are guys – we have few redeeming qualities, so trying to woo a girl isn’t as easy as you lead us to believe. That being said, a guy should be able to start a conversation at the bar, even if he gets shut down. Liquid courage is not only acceptable but encouraged.


If you can’t grill a steak then go home, asshole. Seriously. Every male guest at a cookout / tailgate should have the skills to man the grill. It’s a community activity - the grill master may need a beer, or to hit on the cute redhead from his work because her boyfriend didn’t show up to the party and she was TOTALLY hitting on him last Friday at Happy Hour even if she was wasted – there should be no drop-off when another man steps in to take care of the altar that is a grill. “It takes a village to raise a child” works for my steak as well.

Starting Machinery

You ain’t gots to drive it; but you gots to start it. Chainsaws, fork-lifts, tractors, leaf blowers, lawn mowers – a guy should know how to start anything. A side-bar of this one is that no matter how much hell a piece of machinery is giving you – you don’t give up until either you have started it, or you are bleeding. I have had wrestling matches with our old skid loader that make Ali vs Frasier look like two kittens playing with a ball of yarn. Rumble in the Jungle? How about the Meltdown in Deltown (that’s Delphos for you Clevelanders).

Pull Off The “Just-Roll-Out-Of-Bed” Look

We all have that ratted out pair of jeans, t-shirt with holes around the neck and the faded basketball camp logo, the hair that looks like it may have been styled at some point last week and that trusted pair of aviators. All guys should be able to pull off the “Fuck You” look. If you can’t leave the house without putting product in your hair, or making sure you have a clean shirt, you need to check your pants again, cuz I am pretty sure your penis is a mirage from too much hair gel.

Drive Stick

I can’t drive stick. I’ll admit it. I have driven my old man’s grain truck which is a stick – but I could never handle driving on a highway in a manual car. How embarrassing is that? I am a redneck and can’t drive stick. Not only that, but I am not intelligent enough to make sure that I can do all ten things on my own top ten list. I really need to rethink my life.

What did I miss? I am interested to hear the female perspective – I am sure their story is much, much different than mine…

Wednesday, December 5, 2007