Thursday, February 28, 2008

Bearding Update 2.28

As you can see the beard is coming in nicely - and by nicely I mean when I walk down the street small children cry and women cross to the other side of the road. In a recent study done by leading scientists across the word, the amount of fur on my face is directly related to the chance I have of getting laid this weekend:

I think I may begin to refer to this thing as my chastity beard

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Ex Messaging (Without T-9 Word)

I remember mentioning the name of an ex-boyfriend to a friend of mine, to which she responded, "I'm sorry, you must not have heard. He doesn't exist anymore."

Rrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer! (that was the sound of a cat hissing - there is a super fruity scratching hand-motion that goes with it but I didn't do it while I typed that because I was trying to keep it as manly as possible).

I'll admit I've had exactly one official "girlfriend" in the last four plus years (it didn't sound so pathetic until I typed it out) but I've had a lot of little "datings" and "talkings" and "seeings" ("screwings"?) over the years. Obviously none of these "ings" worked out - but to my knowledge none of them have ceased to exist either.

Of course I have my own sob stories - but they are like bad-beat stories in poker - everyone has one - no one cares (unless you're hot and it was strip poker...and there was a camera). That being said - I don't understand how someone can instantly hate their ex (have they never heard of ex-sex?) If you liked each other enough to date - unless there was something really, REALLY bad (found them in bed with a sibling, parent or pet) is it worth all the work to hate them that much? Because lets face it - hating someone is a lot more work than being friends with them - you have to remember WHY you hate them, make sure to make comments about them, explain why there is a picture of their face on your dartboard to friends and family, explain why you have a dartboard when you live in an apartment - don't you realize you are never going to get your deposit back now - etc etc.

By now I'm sure you've seen through the facade of this being a funny post and realize it is a sappy one in sheep's clothing. I'm sorry - I tried to fake it (thats what she said) but as mentioned before - these Cleveland winters seem to never end - at least this post doesn't have a picture of me without a shirt. Either way - the moral of the story is that in the last year I have had the chance to meet a few incredible girls that, even though things didn't work out, set the bar pretty high for any future relationships. So here's to all the ones that got away - sorry for the drunk texting - thanks for not ceasing to exist.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

I'm Bearding

Old Man Winter has been kicking my ass of late, and with my attempts to woo a cute female falling a bit short - I've come down with a bout of the saddies. I relayed my whining to my friend Jess who recommended I use my greatest emotional outlet - facial hair.

I am always in a state of bearding. The two-day scruff, the business beard and the full-on Grizzly Adams (Grizzly Adams DID have a beard - yes that is my second reference to an Adam Sandler movie) - I wear them each with pride. But my favorite is the Grizzly Adams.

Not everyone can grow a beard so who am I to waste this talent? Millions of men lay awake at night, crying, because they are unable to partake in the full on sexiness of facial hair - I grow it for them. Grow it thick - grow it proud, baby.

But ladies - you hate it. I understand it scratches you when we kiss, but goddamn, we just met - buy me a drink before you start complaining about the making out stage. I'm not a player, honey, I just crush a lot. The last time I had a full beard, I heard a lot of, "You'd be really cute without that beard." So it came off like a dress on prom night (but trust me, I looked FABULOUS - it was strappy and showed my back - but not too much - I'm not a hussie.)

But now, with the saddies creeping in and no one to impress, I am starting a new tradition - St. Patty's Day beard. I had one last year - and goddamner I'm gonna have one this year as well. For the next month I'm punting all attempts at physical attractiveness and going for full-bore manitude. If you suddenly smell saw dust, don't worry - its just the Nom.

(I realize I am not far into the bearding process so I made sure to point at my beard in case you couldn't see it)

Friday, February 22, 2008

Fortunate Son

My last two fortunes -

"Your luck is just not there. Attend to practical matters today."

"Everyone around you is rooting for you. Don't give up."

Nothing says, "You're a winner" like a patronizing pat on the head by a cookie from a pay-by-the-pound Chinese buffet.

Top 5 Movies

My Top 5 posts are supposed to be a cop-out when I feel uncreative and want to take the easy way out - the grilled cheese of blogging, if you will - but this post was a pain in my ass. I've written and rewritten my top 5 bands about 800 times so I thought movies would be easier. Wrongo bongo.

Here are my Top 5 Movies* as of this exact second - if you ask in an hour I am sure they will change

1. American Beauty
2. Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind
3. A Clockwork Orange
4. High Fidelity
5. Shawshank Redemption

Wow those are some depressing assed movies. Yes ass can be used as that part of speech. No I can't name that part of speech.

Some others that just missed the list - Wristcutters (A Love Story), Requiem for a Dream, Vanilla Sky, Cool Hand Luke, Pee Wee's Big Adventure, Fight Club, Big Lebowski, Animal House, Evil Dead, Lord of the Rings, Life of David Gale, Old School, Blues Brothers, Pool Hall Junkies, Rounders - really this list could go on forever.

Here is a tasty treat from High Fidelity so you don't think I'm a Debbie Downer:

*List subject to change whenever I feel like it and can actually remember all the movies that I love.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

We're Not In Kansas Anymore

When walking into my college graduation ceremony a friend of mine looked over and shared these words of wisdom:

"Enjoy these next few hours kids, because after this, you're just unemployed."

And he was right - the drunken parties and wasted afternoons have never quite been the same. Responsibility is like herpes for the brain - even when there are no symptoms you can't do anything crazy without feeling guilty.

I had a similar epiphany at work today. After an in-depth conversation about online advertising and building ads to a specific k-weight, I realized this is no longer a way to pay the bills - it is a career.

I'm grown up.

When I was five I wanted to be a dinosaur. At ten I thought I would someday be an archaeologist. As a teen I had dreams of being a famous rockstar - or if that didn't work out I could fall back on being a radio DJ. Now I'm in my mid-20's and I realize when I grow up - I'm still going to be a media planner. Yeah, I know, calm down ladies - there is only so much Nomina to go around.

I am somewhat jealous of my college friends who tell me, "when I graduate I am going to...". Nope. No you aren't. You are going to do whatever pays the bills. If you get lucky - and I'll be the first to admit I got EXTREMELY lucky - you'll find a job you like. But you won't be picky. You won't weigh your options. You'll be neck-deep in rent and realizing you can't put "beer pong" on your resume.

So kids -

Stay as long as you can
For the love of GOD

Monday, February 18, 2008

Conversation With Momina Nomina

"Jeff, I had two boys and your brother has two boys - I'm never going to have a little girl to spoil. Are you sure you don't have any out there?"

Did my Mom just call me a slut?

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Happy Valentine's Day

In accordance to Valentine's Day tradition I'll be perched up on my couch making eyes at a bottle of whiskey. Bring on St. Patty's!

Monday, February 11, 2008

Random Thoughts 2.12

Why is it when an athlete practices everyday for six hours he is considered extremely dedicated and a superstar - but when I spend nine hours a day putting the sex in Excel I am considered a nerd. I could play a game all day too if you were paying me millions. Instead I make love to spreadsheets and shop at Aldi.

One summer in college I was living alone and bored so I picked up smoking as a hobby. I didn't half-ass it either, I smoked Marlboro Reds and it lasted like nine months. Looking back, that was a pretty dumb idea.

I was happy to discover this past weekend that I am not crazy. A few friends admitted that they suffer from the same problem: whenever I get in a fight in my dreams, my punches do absolutely no damage. Like they are underwater punches. I've gotten in enough fights in my life to know my punches aren't THAT slow - I swing with at least the intensity of a 7 yr old...girl.

Someone asked me the other day what I was doing for Valentine's Day and I went into a big story about how a bunch of my buddies were coming up and we were going to a concert. After seeing her reaction to me spending Valentine's Day with a group of dudes, I think from here out I'll just tell people I am spending it alone.

I love birthdays but after awhile they get old. (Get it? Lay off - its been a long week.)

Wedding My Pants

It is getting close to wedding season - and though this year isn't too crazy (I think I only have 3-4) it is still scary as all hell.

My friends are getting married? I still think of them drunk, passed out and pantless; now they are doing that whole marriage thing? Don't they know thats where babies come from?

I think of myself as one of my more responsible, grown up people in my circle of friends - but marriage? The last time I had a relationship last over 3 months we all thought Christina Aquilera was going to be the slutty one. There was a time that the word commitment was scarier than running into Rosie O'Donnell in a dark alley. But I guess I am getting to that age. The age where every single member of my family feels the need to ask when me if I am going to bring a girl home for the holidays. That means I not only need to meet a girl - but get her hooked enough that she won't bolt when she meets my family. Don't hold your breath, Aunt Mildred.

I know part of it is that I am from a small town and people get married a lot younger (and to their sister - har har). Back home there are only so many fish in the sea (and by sea I mean, "moderately sized aquarium"). People meet and marry a lot younger - while here in ClEVILand we have other things to focus on; like careers and rent payments and being in the top 5 in crime, alcoholism and suicide (Go Team!).

It isn't even that I am scared of marriage - I actually look forward to it. "The Game" got old awhile ago and settling down wouldn't be that hard for me. I think it is being lapped by my friends in a race to responsibility. Suddenly I'm not the one who has his shit together - I'm the one who everyone is trying to hook up with this, "really nice girl and she's sooooooo cute - you would LOVE her!". How did I become that guy? Do I have a sign on my head that says, "Need Dates". Isn't scalping illegal in Ohio?

In the end I am actually excited for most of the weddings. Living this far from home makes it hard to see my old friends very often - so getting us all dressed up around an open bar(n) is a welcome experience. It may be the end of an era, a very immature and hazy era, but I might as well enjoy the ride (and by ride, I mean free drinks).

If any of these assholes start having babies, though, I'm going to put my foot down.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Top 5 Holidays

My hatred of Christmas is well documented (I'll get you Christmas! (I was shaking my fist and making menacing, squinty eyes right there)). So I have decided it is about time to say which holidays I DO enjoy. Since you are on the edge of your seat I'll dive right it...

1. Thanksgiving. Football, food, naps and drinking. If I was allowed to wear sweatpants it would be a holiday bingo.

2. 4th of July. Or as Will Smith calls it, Independence Day. Yeah Will, you show those aliens. What is up with Will Smith and movies about strange creatures? He is constantly fighting aliens (Independence Day, Men In Black), robots (iRobot), zombie / vampires (I Am Legend), and money (Pursuit of Happiness). Are casting directors like, "Aaaah we have all these strange creatures but we really could use a cheesy rapper to fight them...I GOT IT!" Meanwhile, Snow sits at home PISSED.

Anyways I like the 4th of July because it mixes booze and fireworks with hilarious consequences.

3. Draft Day. Not a holiday? Fuck you. The NFL Draft is sacred among the hearts of men across this country. Do you find it odd that I can tell you how big some d-lineman from Arkansas' biceps are? Well your shirt is ugly, so there.

4. St. Patty's Day. Am I Irish? No. But I am American - and nothing is more American than commercializing customs from other countries. It is also hard not to rally around a holiday that encourages day-drinking and beard-growing; two of my favorite hobbies.

5. Christmas. I guess I will put it on the list. Christmas Day IS hard to beat. Now that I have nephews I have to admit seeing them open presents and get excited is fun. Watching my parents go to extraordinary lengths to get gifts and argue over whether they should eat the entire cookie my nephew left out for Santa or just take a big bite out of it is also quite amusing.

So there you have it. I would say we are two, maybe three years from my birthday becoming a national holiday, at which point it will be seated directly below Thanksgiving - bumping Christmas from the list completely.

Until that day arrives this is my list - I'm interested to see how others feel (hint, hint).

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

You're So Vain...I Bet You Think This Blog Is About You

I'm at one of those in between stages in hair styles and I'm becoming obsessed with what I should do. Should I shave it off? Cut it short? Keep growing it long? This current style of emo swipe / shaggy mullet looks like what would happen if Pete Wentz became a lumberjack.

Then there is my beard - do I like the 2-day scruff? The business beard? Gizzly Adams? Gah the choices!

Thinking back over the years I've changed styles more than Elton John (minus the classical period). Wait - that example is too girly. Hmm. Over the years I've become the less attractive, untalented, slightly chubby, American version of David Beckham. (Not so sure I saved face with a Becks reference.)

Is there some crazy psychological reason for this? Fear of commitment? Lack of identity? Obsession with Flock of Seagulls?

Who knows. But I think I am too the age where I pick that look that is going to follow me through life and embarrass my kids when I am in my 40's.

Maybe 'The Rachel'?

Monday, February 4, 2008


This weekend a peculiar thing happened. Someone recognized me from my blog.

Now don't get me wrong, Reader, I am often recognized from the time I spent as a tube sock model in the 90's, and for that time I won the Super Bowl; but being recognized for the blog is a wee-bit different.

Why is it different you ask? Simple - anyone who reads this lil slice of heaven on a regular basis knows that I get a bit personal on here now and then. So I am entering into the conversation with the other party knowing entirely too much about me. I used the phrase antsy in my pantsy TWICE in this blog - I don't need that to be the only information someone is armed with in meeting me.

So to anyone who reads this (first off - I feel bad for you) if you see me in public - please blurt out something embarrassing when we meet so that I don't feel completely exposed.

Of course if I've been drinking then the reason I feel exposed is because I'm not wearing any pants - so feel free to go about your business.