Friday, February 27, 2009

WyW on Friday - Twilight Edition

I think it was a good decision for Twilight to be based on vampires since they have so much in common -

Mostly that they both suck.

Speaking of sucking - it's time for Would Ya Wednesday on Friday! Twilight Edition. Where instead of sucking your blood - this movie sucks your will to live.

I think my biggest gripe with this movie is that girls go ga-ga over Robert Pattinson but the female lead is


I mean she isn't a terrible looking girl - I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers - but on a scale of 1-10 she gets an eh. The hottest thing about her is that she looks all strung out and trashy. She is like a female Pigpen. She is that goth chick in high school that you know is all strung out on experience but you still get kind of curious.

As for Robert Pattinson - I am fairly certain he is cousins with French Stewart because the dude NEVER OPENS HIS GODDAMN EYES. You are a movie star! Get glasses if you can't see! There is nothing sexy or mysterious about bad vision - if there were my nickname in gradeschool would have been "Hot Buns" instead of "Four Eyes".

Let's get back to the game - you know the rules - I throw up two pictures and you tell me if you would invite them back to your coffin to get batty.

Here we go -

Kristen Stewart

Robert Pattinson

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Know What Chaps My Ass?

What deems a get together a success? Is it the laughs shared? The food eaten? I think it is the size of the hangover - in which case our mini blogger get together last night at BloggingJason's (with Cleveland's A Plum, Sensory Overload and Addicted to Vinyl in attendance) was a major, major success.

But if we are judging evenings by their hangover - I guess my third grade spelling bee was a success, too.

If there is any indicator that you are too hungover to blog it is making a joke about drinking at your third grade spelling bee - so I'm going to make this short and sweet today.

I have a simple question for you weirdos out there -

Do you share chapstick?

I'm not talking with your significant other - I'm talking your lips should be in a Western they're so chapped and your buddy is scrounging in his pocket and pulls out a chapstick - do you wet the whistle?

Is it less weird to share between genders? Like is it too weird for two dudes to share one chapstick but ok to borrow a girl's?

Final question - when you see a guy fish a chapstick out of his pocket and put it on - does it matter if he shares it with his buddy or are you already calling him a goober?

I got my census packet in the mail yesterday and am wondering why they aren't asking important questions like these.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Candy Man

I am living in a world of enablers.

Every corner I turn another co-worker has laid out a bowl of candy ripe for the taking.

Snickers and Reece's Peanut Butter Cups and York Peppermint Patties - somewhere my dentist is in the fetal position and crying.

But there's a catch.

Every time I want to snag a piece of candy (about 25 times a day) I have to go into that person's office and make up an excuse for being there other than wanting to rape their candy bowl.

Like most girls I date, I am great at faking it. I can talk about random work projects, how that new shirt that looks just great on you! Seriously that color suits you! and, of course, the weather.

In Cleveland 94% of all conversations are about the weather. Another 4% are about our terrible sports teams and the final 2% are about Drew Carey. But 94% of the time we are complaining about the weather. We talk about the weather more than CNN talks about the stock market. Hey CNN - here's your headline story "Market at Lowest Level in Years!" Really? Is there some sort of economic crisis going on? What are you going to tell me next, A-Rod did steroids?

All of that stops today. I am taking an unprecedented stand against the weather.

I am going to go a FULL day of work in Cleveland, Ohio without talking about the weather once.

Not while I'm trying to make it look like I didn't take the last cup of coffee so I don't have to make more.

Not at the copier when someone is obviously taking what I just printed out and then denying it so I shoot them with mind bullets.

Not at the urinal when I know that guy wants to ask me about that huge assignment I was supposed to have ready for today that I blew off to watch Nip/Tuck.

Not for anything.

Today's forecast calls for blue skies and rotting teeth.

You know, while I'm in here I'm just going to take a little piece of candy. You don't mind, do you?

By the way - that shirt looks great on you.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Things I Would Rather Do Than Watch Another Hugh Jackman Song and Dance Number

Slam my face in a car door.

Watch a movie starring Mike Meyers, Seth Green and Tyler Perry.

Help someone move.

Argue that Tom Brady is a Top 5 all-time quarterback.

Drink hot dog water.

Watch any reality show on MTV or VH1.

Play in traffic.

Be a Jets fan.

Hang out with Carrot Top.

Spend a romantic evening with Sarah Jessica Parker.


Pop my collar.

Have a conversation with Kanye West.

Have a conversation with Kanye West ABOUT popping my collar.

Help David Hasselhoff choose a swimsuit.

Be at the bottom of a pile-up with the Baltimore Ravens after practice.

Shave my beard.

Know the name of someone from The Hills.

Listen to Nickelback.

Ok, ok - maybe it wasn't worse than Nickelback.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Would Ya Wednesday on Thursday - Redemption

Call me Global Warming because I'm heating this bitch UP.

I know I can never match my Would Ya Wednesday (WyW for the cool kids) from last week - rape glasses are the new black - but I'm here to offer a riddle. A riddle for your privates.

Now, I strive to find celebrities that are just on the cusp of attractivenessicity. Apparently, my choices for the male side have been a bit lacking. Ladies - I am trying - it isn't easy to find good male celebrities to use because there is a glare on my computer screen and when the sun hits it just right I can see myself - then I start getting lost in my eyes and wonder how I get my hair to look JUST right and think maybe it's time me and myself got an apartment together.

Guys - you'll pretty much ram your crotch into anything I put up here. I could glue a wig on a file cabinet and half of you would ask me if she was single.

I kid cuz I care.

So today I have no themes, not witty jokes; just an attempt to find two moderately decent looking people for you to impregnate. Or get preggered by.

Sorry for my grammar - I shouldn't have ended that sentence with a preposition. How about "Or by which you will be preggered."

Much better.

Anyways - you should all know the rules for WyW (is the acronym sticking yet? I already have it tattooed on my lower back. I need this.) I throw up two celebrities and you tell me if you would throw down. Or throw up. Your choice. I'm into either.

Jim Carrey

Kirsten Dunst

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Oh Canada!

So I am supposed to have a video blog today but instead of recording one last night I was busy fighting crime, flexing and saving kittens. You decide which one was more important you greedy bloggers.

Instead of a video blog (which I may have next week) I have decided to share a story of my recent trip to Canada -

Me: What is the population of Niagra Falls?

Lady Friend (checking her Blackberry): 82,000

Me: Is that metric or standard?

Damn you Canada!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Flying Solo

If there is anything that science has taught us over the last 40 years it is that guitar solos cure world hunger.

Normally, if you saw a guy standing in the middle of the desert in only leather pants and a leather jacket, smoking a cigarette and standing outside of a random church that has nothing else around it - you would either think you stumbled onto the set of a porno or that maybe you shouldn't have eaten the General Tso's chicken in your fridge that you ordered last week.

But if you put a guitar in his hands he suddenly looks like an angel sent to earf to cure cancer, stop crime and sort your recycling.

But we never hear about the FIRST guitar solo.

Who was the first guy that was sitting at band practice, sick of playing the same riff over and over for some stupid song that the singer wrote even though the singer is some no-talent hack that they had to let in the band just because he could hit the high notes on "Don't Stop Believin'" - and as they couldn't decide what to use as the bridge for their new song he just cranks his six-string up to 11 and goes...

Watch this.

BAM - guitar solo to the face.

What do you think his band did after the first ever guitar solo?

Do you think they cried?

Was there a group high-five?

Was there a rainbow?

I want to know who the first guy was that decided that in the middle of the song he was just going to say fuckit and get weird on the guitar.

Who just says - "How about for this part of the song - you guys just play some stupid beat; singer - you go powder your nose, and I'll murder people's earballs with my fingers."

I'll bet he was in the desert and wearing leather pants.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Blonde Ambition

I've said it before and I'll say it again - I'm no mathematician.

So I cannot figure out how a girl that would normally be a 6 dyes her hair blonde and suddenly becomes a 9.

You know what blondes? I'm over it.

I'm completely over blondes.

Don't get me wrong, some of you still tweak my melons, but as a whole - eh.

Being blonde is easy. I see it - I'm a guy - it's built into my DNA. I see a blonde walking down the road and my head snaps around faster than Jessica Simpson's when the dinner bell rings. She is all like, "I say, I say, I say it smeeeeelllls like chicken wings." She is like the female Foghorn Leghorn.

But let's face it - for the most part - you are an 'eh' species. For every Marissa Miller there are ten Sienna Millers. For every Elisha Cuthbert there are ten Paris Hiltons.

Not that I don't love me a few blondes. Find me a little southern belle with some blonde curls, or an indie girl with a pixie haircut and I'm down on one knee.

But let's stop acting like every skinny blonde is Marilyn Monroe.

Brunettes actually have to work for it. They have to have things like good looks and style to be considered to be hot - not just being skinny and blonde.

And to be honest? Blondes are kind of boring. There's too many of yall. You are like Anne Hathaway movies - you might be interesting if there weren't so many of ya - and if it didn't take me 15 minutes to tell the difference.

You could line up 20 blondes and I'd think you stuck me in some circus trick with mirrors everywhere. Which would actually be pretty sweet. I could pretend I was on a football team of all Jeff Nomina's. We'd be the Cleveland PheNominons and our logo would just be a big beard on the helmet. Right on the back. That way the other team couldn't tell if we were running straight at them or Paul Bunyan was running backwards really fast. Oh the confusion.

I realize that this post isn't going to win me many popularity contests - but I think it needed to be said. We need to dispel this notion that just because a girl is blonde, it makes her hotter. Being blonde doesn't give girls some crazy super power that controls my boy parts -

that only works for redheads.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Would Ya Wednesday on Friday...Narm Edition

Fathers lock up your daughters.

Husbands lock up your wives.

Girls lock up your Taylor Swift CD's.

Narm is loose.

That's right it's time for Would Ya Wednesday on Friday - the Narm edition.

Where the question isn't "Would You?" it's "Could You Resist?"

I've got a pocket full of roofies that says "aw hell naw".

But the question today isn't just about if you would play with the stretch Narmstrong in my pants - but which of the pictures below better accentuates my dashing good looks and washboard abs.

I actually have to be careful that my blog doesn't get flagged as porn because the pictures below? They're too hot to handle.

So you know the rules - I throw up two pictures and you decide if you would take the free candy I'm offering and get into the back of my van.

But fellas - since today doesn't have a female selection I have a subquestion - which of the pictures below makes me look more likely to be caught with my pants down watching Little Giants?

Fumblerooski! Fumblerooski!

Annnnnnnnnnd go -


Thursday, February 12, 2009

Don't Judge A Book By It's Ridiculously Sexy Cover

This morning I got up early,

spent ten minutes getting my hair just right,

trimmed my beard,

ironed a nice pair of dress pants,

put on a collared shirt,

AND a tie,

shined my dress shoes,

color coordinated a nice sweater to match the shirt / tie -

and forgot to put on the deodorant.

No matter how nice you look - if you are the smelly kid - you are still the smelly kid.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Lesser of Two Evils

My world has been turned upside-down. I have spent so much of my life focusing mind bullets at Nickelback I've become blind to other dangers. It is like if Batman focused on the Joker all day while Catwoman was free to run about in her sexy leather costume.

Wait - why does Batman try to stop Catwoman again?

As much as Nickelback is a waste of human flesh - is there another evil that is equal or *gasp* greater?

I present to the jury - Shania Twain.

Guys - I know what you are thinking - how could I say such a thing about such beautiful boobies. I admit, I am sometimes captivated by them and lose track of time for a few hours - but stay focused - this is the person that brought us, "Any Man of Mine", "That Don't Impress Me Much" and "Man, I Feel Like A Woman". If Jack Bauer were real he would have a task force ready to take her out at any moment.

I'm kidding, that was mean - of course Jack Bauer is real.

So lets do some pros and cons -

Nickelback - Pros

Everyone catches themselves singing along to a Nickelback song once in awhile. The proper reaction to this is to punish yourself by repeatedly ramming your head into a brick wall. But it still happens.

They are an easy target. Seriously, Chad Kroeger is the ugliest human being on earf. He has it pretty rough as it is.

Shania Twain - Pros

Them boobies.

She isn't famous anymore so the only time we see her is at award shows when it is for some reason acceptable to dress like a cheap hooker.

Nickelback - Cons

THEY ARE EVERYWHERE. I found them behind my Cheerios this morning and they started playing "Rockstar". At least my herpes only flair up every now and then - I have to deal with these yahoos 24/7.

Their songs are all the same. We've all heard the mash-up that shows they are the first band to copy off of themselves. Which I guess could be considered impressive - it isn't easy to suck that much consistently.

Shania Twain - Cons

Her songs are the most bubble-gum bullshit music on earf. She makes the Spice Girls look like original artists.

Her yahoo! I'm a woman and I'm going to sing songs about it bullshit has to be an embarrassment to women. I don't know because I don't have girl parts. If I did I wouldn't be writing this blog - I would be sitting at home putting on plays with lefty and righty. Lefty is the misunderstood rebel and righty is his trusty partner that steers him clear of danger. Either way - I wouldn't be listening to Shania Twain.

But this is America so I'm going to let you decide - which is worse?

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Putting The Me in Social Media

Who needs reality TV when you have social media?

We all know what is going to happen on reality TV. Two people are going to lay under the covers and make slurping noises on night vision, two people are going to scream at each other and threaten to fight and then end up crying at the end of the night, and one person is going to say that, "it's just too much - I just want to go HOME!"


But social media is happening all the time! I am not confined to Mondays at 8pm or Thursdays at 10pm or Saturdays at 2am (you gotta know when the best scrambled porn is on).

No, social media is happening all the time and is completely unpredictable - like a ninja attack of awesomeness. I can just be sitting here at work, minding my own business and BAM! a little broken heart shows up on Facebook.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy.

Now I have to follow their status' and what they are writing on people's walls - oh snap they took down all their pictures of the other person!

Now lets move this over to Twitter where it gets even better. A venting Tweet is matched by a rallying cry of others lamenting, "What an asshole!" "You were too good for him!" "He had syphilis!"

The doctor said it was under control - back off.

But that isn't enough - THEN I get to go check their blog for the real juicy details - the reunion special of social media.

My Google Reader is like your TV Guide - only without all of the amazing Seinfeld re-runs.

But hey, even stalking has to have a downside.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Send Donations

I'm not going to lie - I've been a pretty terrible blogger the last few days.

But I have an excuse...

Someone stole my lunch yesterday.

Lunch is far and away the most important part of my day. I feel like someone stole my innocence yesterday. I was deflowered. By a coworker. And I didn't even know their name.

So instead of writing an actual post I come to you with a request.

Send bail money.

Because I'ma kill a motherfucker.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Would Ya Wednesday on Wednesday - This Just In

This just in...

my pants.

It's time for Would Ya Wednesday on Wednesday - The News Edition. The game that even the Lions can win.

Detroit Liowned.

This week's theme is news anchors - and for some reason I can't think of any innuendos that involve anchors. Here are three choices -

A) I'd like to drop her anchor.

B) Anchor? Damn near killed her!

C) Is that an anchor in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

My personal favorite is B but we're a democracy here at White-Collar Redneck so you, the people, get to decide.

Wait - are we a democracy or American Idol?

I seem to have gotten off topic - lets get back to reporting on bigger stories - like my arms.

You know the rules - I report on two suspects and you tell me if they would be your lead story or just a teaser. Or maybe a human interest piece. Mmmmm...human.

So turn up the volume and turn down the sheets (because you know they aren't wearing pants behind those news desks) - It's Would Ya Wednesday time!

Brian Williams

Katie Couric

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Traffic Rape

The paparazzi got me.

Nailed me, actually.

And I'm going to have to pay them $100 to keep their mouth shut.

I tried to go to the police but they just answered, "WE ARE THE POLICE!" and hung up.

That's right - I got a nice little letter in the mail containing a "photo enforced speed ticket" this morning.

But really, everyone likes getting mail, right?

Do all states have these? They are little cameras set up throughout the city and take your picture if they find you speeding and or running a red light or not sorting your recycling or using bad words.

Am I the only one that finds this ridiculous?

You know when you do a really shitty job and one of your coworkers that you don't really like but you hang out with at work because you don't have anything else to do but you always worry that someday you will have to introduce them to your real friends and you are worried because then what will your real friends think - you don't want your real friends to think that they are the only reason you are cool - so then you make fun of the guy and hurt his feeling to look cool and when you get home you feel like a jerk. Well, you know when that guy says, "Wow, you really mailed that one in."

That's what the Cleveland Police do.

They mail it in.

Cleveland is listed as one of the top 10 most dangerous cities in the U.S. - and apparently the CPD has identified speeding as the reason for this. Not the guns or drugs or break-ins - speeding.

Luckily they are keeping grandma with the lead foot off the streets so that no one gets hurt in that attempted robbery down the street.

I'm infuriated, inconsolable - because damnit - I was speeding. It is my own damn fault. I want to fight it. I want to march up to the judge, slam down the ticket and scream, "Suck it!" - then my theme music would come on and I would strut out of the courtroom while smoke and a light show filled the room.

I want to tell them how unfair it is that last week three cars got broken into at my apartment and they wouldn't even come file a report - yet they have cameras doing all their work.

I want to go tell the judge a lot of things.

But they gave me this convenient little envelope - so maybe I'll just mail it in instead.

Monday, February 2, 2009


My name is Jeff Nomina, and I have a problem.

I guess you could call it a disease. A foul sickness that I can't overcome.

I love brinner. When the Lady Friend offers me breakfast for dinner I lose my head and agree to anything she wants to do.

So it wasn't until I was halfway through my homemade hashbrowns and third pancake that I finally heard her say, "Hurry up or we'll miss the 7:30 showing of Twilight."

Wait - did I just agree to go see Twilight? And how could I possibly finish this meal and have my testicles surgically removed before 7:30?

Twilight: Leave Your Balls At Home

So it was with a full belly and heavy heart that I walked into the theater to sit through an hour and a half of bad special effects and worse acting. We waded through a sea of letterman jackets and adolescence and took out seats.

After the fourteenth time the Lady Friend threw her underwear at the screen when Robert Pattinson was shown, I had to ask exactly what made her swoon.

"It's the whole romantic aspect of their relationship. How he protects her but yet has to control his own urge to kill her."

I'm sitting at Twilight and she wants to talk about urges to kill?

And you never see zombie love stories. Vampires are running around having pre-marital sexy time and lusting after each other. Zombies are the real romantics - they don't care what a girl looks like, they just appreciate her for her brain.

If the "danger" aspect of the vampire is the thrilling part I can take any of y'all back home and show you one of the redneck trailer parks. You think falling in love with a vampire is dangerous; you ain't never seen a redneck drink a case of Budweiser and then have his wife spill something on his Dale Jr shirt.

But then I took a step back and realized that I could find parallels in the movie. That I could relate to doing anything in the world for the thing I love. The fact that I would run the gauntlet to find and protect my love from danger. The unquenchable hunger that drove me towards it - and the passion that kept me there.

The calming feeling that came over me when I realized that all of the sacrifices I will have to make throughout my life will only bring me closer to brinner.