Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Don't Sweater the Small Stuff

Theme parties are a big deal in America. 

While there may have been a recession, the Ugly Christmas Sweater industry must have been BOOMING.

Before that, there weren't enough hair crimpers in the world to keep up with all the 80's theme parties. 

But why?  In my mind, a gathering's goal is to end up as a party.  That is the top of the mountain in terms of entertaining.  If you are already having a party and then you add a theme, the best you can do is still just be having a party.

And if you are trying to ensure that everyone has a good time, there is a much better way to use the $20 spent on finding a costume.

How about a theme party where everyone brings more booze?  If we were to do a statistical analysis of parties, I'm guessing that booze has a greater impact than Dayglo socks.

Or maybe spend that $20 on iTunes so that I don't have to listen to the Black Eyed Peas four times an hour as part of your 'UGLY SWEATER XMAS PARTY MIXXX!!!1!!1!!"

If you are really that serious about throwing a bash, how about a 'Give Everyone $20 Party'?  Ever watch Oprah?  'YOU GET $20!  AND YOU GET $20!'  People would go nuts.  Party of the year, no question. 

So all I'm saying is that I want you to invite me to your house, give me free booze, only play songs I like and then give me $20.

Otherwise I'm not coming.  You can bitch and moan about that, but remember...

NO ONE likes a pity party.

Unless you give them $20.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Santa Barter

I want to know who was the advertising agency behind 'Christmas Gifts'.

Because that is a line of bullshit.  It is more like 'Christmas Trades'.  I give you a box, you give me a box - abracadabra: Christmas.

The gifts themselves aren't even an important part of the equation. It is more like you are putting a bow on the fact that you ran an errand specifically in honor of that person.

"Yes, Aunt Louise, it is a sweater. But REALLY? Really, it is 25 minutes of finding a parking spot, getting elbowed in the groin by an old woman over the last pair of reindeer socks and an extra $20 on my credit card statement. I don't give a damn if it doesn't fit. Merry Christmas."

Which is fine, I still very much enjoy the Christmas Trading and spending hours finding a gift that isn't exactly what that person would have bought if they didn't have to waste their money buying me something I don't exactly want.

Because it brings together friends and family and reminds us of all the wonderful people in your life.

Unless you're one of those people who get a Lexus for Christmas.

Then I'll trade ya. 

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The Bird

People who flick off other drivers on the road freak me out.

Really?  You are so furiously mad that you pulled up next to me and flicked me off?  That's your answer?

How mature.

Last night some guy cut me off getting on the highway - so I did what ADULTS do.

I sped around him, trapped him behind me with all other lanes congested with traffic and then drove 40 miles per hour down a busy highway with no way for him to get around.

For 20 minutes.

By the time there was a break in traffic and he was able to pass me, he was red in the face and screaming at the top of his lungs.

Then he flicked me off.

What a psycho.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


People love to ask me how I'm enjoying married life.

There is always this tone in their voice like they are offering sympathy - like they know I just lost my job and stepped in a mud puddle. 

I've been single, I've dated and I've been married.

And being married is great.

Imagine unlimited access to boobs.  It is like I took a wrong turn and ended up in a boob parade around my house.  We actually declared my house as its own country and have begun using the boob as our currency.  And my wife is rich.

But that doesn't mean I don't know how awesome it was to be single.  Single people get to flirt which is a faint memory of mine.  Don't ever forget that, Single People.  You know those old guys who sleep on benches at the mall?  That's how single people treat married people - so if you are single, go out and flirt and enjoy being higher on the food chain that a large potted plant.

Single people also have no plans.  I forget what free time feels like - I bet it feels nothing like sorting through recycling or changing lightbulbs.  I can barely take a #2 without trying to tie it to some sort of chore (note: I wouldn't touch anything that uses batteries in my house).

Know what sucks?  Dating.  Dating is the worst.  When people in a relationship give me the Marriage Pity Look I can't help but laugh.  Really, buddy?  I bet your pockets are full of ticket stubs of Matthew McConaughey movies and that you 'really do like all of your girlfriend's friends'.

And when you "really need to talk" it isn't because you forgot to flush the toilet again - it is something serious.  What if you break up?  How long do you have to wait to change your Facebook status?  And you already bought tickets to that Matthew McConaughey movie.

And listen, I'd love to go with you, but I'm busy this weekend.

Gotta hitch a ride on the Boob Parade.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Cool Christmas

If we're being honest with ourselves, let's admit that we all put way too much effort into being cool.

And that those pants make you look fat.

But mostly the cool thing.

The music we listen to, clothes we wear, bars we frequent to black out and wake up singing karaoke to the Cranberries - all of these things are part of our effort to be 'cool'.

And then Christmas comes along and suddenly we've got a pair of pleated slacks pulled up to our belly-button and some bright white New Balances on.

What am I talking about?

Christmas music.

It sucks.  Christmas music is just shitty music that someone recycled with the addition of the word 'Christmas'.

Adding 'Christmas' to a song is like giving it a boob job - it still sucks but now there's something to look at.

Name one good Christmas song.  A song you would listen to if it weren't Christmas.  '12 Days of Christmas'?  That's like listening to a CD of someone singing '99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall'

That's why no matter how much Christmas Spirit you try to run off on me or how much egg nog you force down my throat, you'll never see me singing along to Christmas music.

Unless the Cranberries put out a Christmas album.

Friday, December 2, 2011


Life is all about small victories.

You set yourself up to get a few wins per day, and it helps keep the voices out of your head.

So you make it to work in record time.

Or you treat yourself to a cream cheese bagel in the morning.

Maybe some girl at a bar checks you out, and even though you're married and she looks like how hemorrhoids feel - it still is a nice little ego boost.

So while you are patting yourself on the back, I'm here to tell you all that stuff sucks.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that we all need a pat on the back, even if it is of the masturbatory type.  If life were just an assembly line of suck we'd all go insane and start wearing pleated pants and watching Two and Half Men.  

But think about life before your 401k.  Think of the stories, of the victories you've compiled.  Did you drink an entire bottle of Jack Daniels and then beat Pac Man?  Did you and a group of friends turn your apartment into a functioning obstacle course modeled after Nickelodeon Guts?  Did you meet Melissa Joan Hart at a mall, get her number, and then text her the entire lyrics to 'What's The Frequency Kenneth?'

Because the best story I have lately is this cream cheese bagel.

Even in my wins, I'm still a loser.