tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78140439921734793382024-03-13T06:03:34.147-04:00White-Collar RedneckNarmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.comBlogger609125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7814043992173479338.post-13656196572659099432014-08-21T14:00:00.000-04:002014-08-21T14:00:27.771-04:00Blasphemous In my mind, I like to look back and think Jesus was kind of a jerk. A good jerk - but a jerk.<br />
<br />
Think about stories in the bible and tell me how someone could pull that off without sounding really cocky.<br />
<br />
Take the story of the fisherman who were unable to catch fish - <br />
<br />
'Hey, fisherman - why don't you try throwing your nets over the OTHER side of the boat, ya corncobs? Oh there's fish over there? Who knew.'<br />
<br />
Or when he's feeding all those people -<br />
<br />
'Are you SURE there's only seven loaves there? Take a look again, tell me what you see? Eh? More bread. Noob.' <br />
<br />
Or disappearing from his tomb. The apostles were like 'Dudes - I swear Jesus was in here.'<br />
<br />
Then - THEN - he goes around appearing to his buddies with no one around like 'NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO BELIEVE YOU LOL!' <br />
<br />
Dude was out there just bustin' everyone's balls. No wonder Peter denied knowing him. We've all gotten a quick bit of amnesia when someone calls out a buddy.<br />
<br />
So just remember the next time someone asks 'What would Jesus do?' - we're talking about the guy that hung out with prostitutes and was never too far from a bottle of wine. <br />
<br />
For a guy who rose from the dead, maybe his true lesson was YOLO.<br />
<br />
<br />
Narmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7814043992173479338.post-90735995551585860122014-08-12T17:25:00.001-04:002014-08-12T17:25:04.002-04:00BRBI have writer's block. <br />
<br />
Or is it writers' block? <br />
<br />
Goddamnit I couldn't even get past the 3rd word.<br />
<br />
Or is it passed the 3rd word?<br />
<br />
Am I supposed to spell out "third" word?<br />
<br />
Fuck it, I'll write something later. Narmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7814043992173479338.post-55507930903379551752013-12-11T10:05:00.002-05:002013-12-11T10:05:59.024-05:00I Nose What You Did Last Summer<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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Runny noses are kind of bullshit.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The entire point of snot is to prevent the bad stuff from
going up my nose – so why does my body turn into a snot factory when I’m
already sick?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is it guilt?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“NAH, MAN – I’VE BEEN MAKING PLENTY OF
SNOT.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>LOOK AT ALL THIS STUFF.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I GOT SNOT COMING OUT OF MY…WELL, I’VE GOT A
LOT OF IT.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>YOU MUST HAVE GOTTEN SICK
SOME OTHER WAY.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BLAME MOUTH.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>YOU SEE THE STUFF HE PUTS IN HIMSELF?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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For how complicated the human body is constructed, there
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your body get weaker or swell or get a fever to tell you something is
wrong?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Hey dude – some shit is screwed
up in here so I’ve made you exponentially weaker to help you fix it.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your body might as well start hitting you
with your own hands and then scream, “STOP HITTING YOURSELF!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>STOP HITTING YOURSELF!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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sick and trying to figure out who to blame.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My nose invites some slutty virus up there and catches the head cold
version of the clap and is trying to cover his tracks by throwing snot around
like a parade. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the end I know my nose is doing something stupid whenever
I get sick and it starts running, I just can’t catch it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
Narmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7814043992173479338.post-77997543129968750542013-06-28T12:51:00.001-04:002013-06-28T12:51:22.184-04:0030 for 30 on the 30th THE ENDWe're here. We're to the end of my list of 30 things I should have and do before I turn 30 this Sunday, the 30th.<br />
<br />
It's my 30th birthday eve's eve. Except, unlike Christmas eve, the only bearded person sneaking through my house will be me when I have to pee at 3am. <br />
<br />
A lot of people get depressed as they get older. Like they're closer to death. <br />
<br />
I'm pumped! I've avoided death for 30 years now. That's a pretty incredible living streak. It's also pretty low standards on things to be excited about. <br />
<br />
But that's fine. I'd rather appreciate the memories and people and days I'm adding on to my life every morning than worry about the days on the end of my life I'm losing. I'm counting up, not counting down. <br />
<br />
So let's wrap this thing up (that's also a tip on a way to live longer for all you young'uns out there.)<br />
<br />
<b><a href="http://www.thefrisky.com/2010-03-31/30-things-every-man-should-have-by-30/">Things I should have:</a></b><br />
<br />
<b>The beginning of a nest egg.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>A place where everyone knows his name.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>At least one sex move he's received lots of positive feedback on.</b><br />
<br />
Does it count as a nest egg when the projected cost of college when my daughter turns 18 is approximately: all of the monies? It's hard to save money when there is literally no amount of my salary I could put aside that would even dent her future college tuition. I might as well spend it as a bar - at least everyone there knows my name.<br />
<br />
As for the sex move that I've received positive feedback on? NOT USING THE PHRASE "SEX MOVE."<br />
<br />
<b><a href="http://www.simplythebestman.com/things-to-do-before-thirty.html">Things I should do:</a></b><br />
<br />
<b>Learn a magic trick.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Look after someone else's kids for the day. </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Quit something you love.</b><br />
<br />
When I was like 12 I got super into learning magic tricks. And I was awful at them. Somehow my parents would sit through them and pretend they couldn't tell that I flipped the card behind my back or whatever. My parents were awesome. But this probably explains why no one wanted to watch me for the day. <br />
<br />
As for quitting something I love - this would be a great time to quit the blog. I mean, this worked out pretty well with the ending of this list quitting something you love and all that.<br />
<br />
But I don't feel like doing that. Partially because I just renewed the domain name, partially because I find the domain name REALLY clever... still... 5 years later.<br />
<br />
But mostly because I still enjoy cranking out a post once a month and then obsessively checking the analytics to see if anyone read it.<br />
<br />
So thank you for reading.<br />
<br />
It's a better birthday present than you know. Narmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7814043992173479338.post-6948665985892993672013-06-27T14:49:00.003-04:002013-06-27T14:53:02.234-04:0030 for 30 on the 30th - Parts 25 -27We're getting so close to my 30th I can almost feel it! Wait. Nope. Just a fart.<br />
<br />
Continuing my countdown of 30 things I should have and do before I turn 30 on the 30th - so much having and doing!!!<br />
<br />
<b><a href="http://www.thefrisky.com/2010-03-31/30-things-every-man-should-have-by-30/">Things I should have:</a></b><br />
<br />
Enough confidence to approach someone he finds attractive.<br />
<br />
Enough sense not to use a cheesy pick-up line.<br />
<br />
A great razor.<br />
<br />
This is just dumb. Of course a handsome man like me has no problem approaching someone I find attractive. And why would I have to use a cheesy pick-up line when I look like this?<br />
<br />
But the reason I can do those two things is because my beard is what you see when you are dying. They say you see a tunnel, but that's actually just my beard and the light at the end is the space between my mustache and my chin. Don't believe me? Think about it - if you reach the end of the tunnel it would be like giving me a kiss. That's the definition of heaven right there. <br />
<br />
<b><a href="http://www.simplythebestman.com/things-to-do-before-thirty.html">Things I should do:</a></b><br />
<br />
Drink tequila in Mexico.<br />
<br />
Sell something you've made to someone you don't know.<br />
<br />
Walk a mighty distance.<br />
<br />
I drank rum in Jamaica. Does that count? And I sold you on reading this blog. Which means I've made it!<br />
<br />
As for walking a might distance - I used to have to hoe 80 acre fields 5 rows at a time. It's literally just walking through dirt and weeds for 12 hours in the heat. It's one of those jobs that I can't accurately explain to city kids who complain about working at the Gap when they were teenagers. I mean - all they had to do was sell something to people they didn't know. That sounds easy. Narmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7814043992173479338.post-34128154083291192372013-06-25T13:44:00.000-04:002013-06-25T13:44:06.762-04:0030 for 30 on the 30th Parts 20-24I'm counting down the 30 things I need to have and do before I turn 30 this Sunday, the 30th.<br />
<br />
I gave myself 66 days to complete a list of 30 things - and with 5 days to go I have 11 items left on the list. This isn't a good start to the rest of my life. <br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.thefrisky.com/2010-03-31/30-things-every-man-should-have-by-30/"><b>Things I should have: </b></a><br />
<br />
<b>Always enough toilet paper.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Sheets that don't scratch.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>A nightstand that doesn't say "Handle with care" on the side.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>A smile he uses generously.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>At least one lamp that didn't once belong in a dorm room. </b><br />
<br />
Almost this entire portion of the list is about shedding off the cheap items of my youth for more permanent, adult options. <br />
<br />
I always have enough toilet paper - and I buy the good stuff so that those sheets don't scratch. I have nightstands and lamps that aren't from Ikea - and I use my smile generously because the nightstands and lamps cost so much I can't be generous with my money.<br />
<br />
This part of the list was about me growing up, putting down some roots and looking towards the future. Well if that's all it took to turn 30, I've been 30 for a few years now. I became a lame old guy in my mid-20s. I'm a trendsetter. <br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.simplythebestman.com/things-to-do-before-thirty.html"><b>Things I should do:</b></a><br />
<br />
<b>Stayed up all night to watch the sunrise.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Started your own business.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Said, "I love you" and mean it. </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Taken a punt on a long shot.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Sung in public.</b><br />
<br />
If the 'have' list was about growing up, the 'dos' are about going all in. Take a chance - take a risk. Go for it. Shoot for the moon - if you miss you'll still land among the stars. <br />
<br />
It's starting to sound like a sorority girl's AIM away message from 2004.<br />
<br />
I've stayed up all night to watch the sunrise. I've said "I love you" and meant it. I've taken the long shot (and lost.) I've sang in public. I've done all that.<br />
<br />
And that's why my hair is falling out and I can't drink two beers without a hangover now.<br />
<br />
Age has certainly been giving me the business lately - but I guess I started it.<br />
<br />Narmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7814043992173479338.post-1088014306343502452013-06-24T14:50:00.001-04:002013-06-24T14:52:20.776-04:0030 for 30 on the 30th Parts 18 & 19Last week of my 20s, you guys. Sweatin' over here.<br />
<br />
Time for the home stretch of my list of 30 things I should have and do before I turn 30 on June 30th.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.thefrisky.com/2010-03-31/30-things-every-man-should-have-by-30/">Things I should have:</a> Jumper cables / A driver's license<br />
<br />
Again, Mr. List, this is an odd order to do things. But I'll play along...<br />
<br />
I failed my driver's test on my first attempt. I had been driving farm machinery for years and was a good driver. But I took a Ford Explorer with tinted windows to do the parallel parking section and got more cockeyed than...well there's no where to take that joke that remains PG-13 so I'm just gonna let it sit there.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.simplythebestman.com/things-to-do-before-thirty.html">Things I should do:</a> Be a rock god / Eat something truly weird<br />
<br />
I was in a rock band in high school. Our name was Shatt. I played the drums (poorly) and we also had a guitarist, bassist and singer - who all did their jobs poorly as well. I was the worst musician, but much better than everyone else at having a basement for practice sessions, so I got to be in the band. We were awful. But when you are from a town of 6,000 people, the number of rock bands is fairly minimal, meaning just by virtue of being IN a band, I was in one of the three best bands in town. Rock God!<br />
<br />
As for eating something weird - I order chicken livers all the time. They're delicious. And it drives my vegetarian wife crazy. But at least she doesn't have to parallel park.Narmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7814043992173479338.post-8645472452330012272013-06-18T12:59:00.002-04:002013-06-18T12:59:56.574-04:0030 for 30 on the 30th Parts 12-17I'm running out of ways to tell you I'm doing a countdown of the 30 things I should have / do before I turn 30 on June 30th. So I'm just going to tell you that I'm doing a countdown of the 30 things I should have / do before I turn 30 on June 30th.<br />
<br />
Consistent with most of my life - I've procrastinated and now need to crank out 19 of these things in the next week and a half. So let's do rapid fire!<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.thefrisky.com/2010-03-31/30-things-every-man-should-have-by-30/"><b>Things I should have:</b></a><br />
<br />
<b>A favorite cookbook</b>. My wife is 100% Italian - I'm eating homeade sauce and meatballs every night. My favorite cookbook is getting used as a placemat. #Humblebrag #BlogHashtagsDontMakeSense<br />
<br />
<b>A decent set of pots and pans.</b> And just clap your hands and just clap your hands. Where it's at. <br />
<br />
<b>An emergency kit in the trunk of his car.</b> I drive a truck, like a damn man. I ain't got no trunk. Put that on your list and smoke it.<br />
<br />
<b>A hobby that does not include a television set or a 6-pack of beer.</b> All that leaves are crappy hobbies. Why do I need a boring hobby to turn 30 when I have a bunch of awesome ones that involve TVs and beers?<br />
<br />
<b>A trusted barber or hair stylist.</b> I don't have enough hair left to screw it up. Maybe you should think about your target demographic when making this list, jerks. <br />
<br />
<b>A pair of jeans that makes his butt look good. </b> My butt always looks good. I don't need jeans to make it look good - jeans need my butt to make them look good.<br />
<br />
<b><a href="http://www.simplythebestman.com/things-to-do-before-thirty.html">Things I should do: </a></b><br />
<br />
<b>Lived in another country.</b> I grew up in a town of 6,000 people that was an hour and a half from the nearest big city. And that city was Toledo. TOLEDO, PEOPLE. I'd argue the difference in my hometown to my current one are about as large as that to any foreign country. <br />
<br />
<b>Throw a memorable party.</b> When I was 16 I had a bunch of buddies out to my property and got busted for underage consumption. My criminal record sure remembers.<br />
<br />
<b>Empty your pockets for a worthy cause.</b> I don't think any worthy cause wants a dirty handkerchief, two nickels, and a gum wrapper.<br />
<br />
<b>Camp out under the stars for a week.</b> Done it. Though this part sounds much better than the "wake up with no where to poop" part. <br />
<br />
<b>Bid at an auction.</b> I didn't BID on an auction but we auctioned off some farm land once. It's a lot scarier being on the other side of the bidding process. The "please someone raise their hand, oh god why is no one raising their hand, oh sweet lord what just happened" side.<br />
<br />
<b>Overcome a fear.</b> My only real fears are spiders and confrontation. And getting old. Maybe I can extend this list to 40 things...50? PLEASE?<br />
<br />
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Narmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7814043992173479338.post-18454119938406298982013-06-17T15:00:00.001-04:002013-06-17T15:00:13.527-04:0030 for 30 on the 30th Parts 10 & 11Here we go again - I'm counting down 30 things I should have/do before I turn 30 on June 30th. We're getting dangerously close to the 30th and I still have 20 more of these to write - so let's double our pleasure.<br />
<br />
<b>Things I should have:</b> <a href="http://www.thefrisky.com/2010-03-31/30-things-every-man-should-have-by-30/">The ability to ask for directions / A great road map when there's no one to ask</a><br />
<br />
Was this list written in 1862? Do they think I have to find Pocahontas every time I need to find the grocery store? I have an iPhone. I ask Siri for directions and carry Google Maps around in my pocket. It's a great map because after I find directions I can listen to the Spin Doctors.<br />
<br />
<b>Things I should do:</b> <a href="http://www.simplythebestman.com/things-to-do-before-thirty.html">Make love in open water / Build a fence</a><br />
<br />
Wait, what?<br />
<br />
Who wrote this list that they had those two consecutive thoughts? "Alright. Top things to do before turning 30. Well, doing it in water HAS to be in the top ten, for obvious reasons. And...ya know it's not quite top ten, but you gotta build a fence. That's real important. Fence building. Can't turn 30 without that."<br />
<br />
And the weirdest part is that you have to do these in this order. If you build a fence in the water and then 'make love' in the water, you're no longer in the 'open water.' And after making love, it'd be pretty awkward to be like, "Alright, wanna help me throw this fence up real quick?"<br />
<br />
The best is the description: "Under a waterfall or on a sun drenched beach, it’s every woman’s dream and every guys duty."<br />
<br />
Having sand in my ass crack is never and will never be a 'dream.' Especially when you then talk about my doodie. <br />
<br />Narmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7814043992173479338.post-50130569825068796022013-06-12T09:22:00.002-04:002013-06-12T09:22:29.696-04:0030 for 30 on the 30th Parts 8 & 9I'm turning 30 on the 30th, and to celebrate I'm going down a list of 30 things I should have or do before the big day. Though this being parts 8 & 9, I'm guessing you are well aware of these points. You'll have to excuse me, old age does funny things to a memory.<br />
<br />
<b>Things I should have:</b> Enough clean underwear to last a week / Independence from his mama<br />
<br />
As much as I promote the idea of dissolving the traditional gender roles in households, my wife and I fit them to a tee. She makes dinner, I mow the lawn. She sweeps the floors, I fix the light switch. She does the laundry goes to the grocery makes the baby's food calls the doctor pays the bills balances the check book buys my clothes and manages our schedule, I take out the trash. Sometimes. And complain about it the entire time when I do. <br />
<br />
So I have clean underwear for a week, and independence from my mama. But only because I rely on a different mama now. <br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Things I should do</b>: High dive into water / Catch, kill and cook your own dinner<br />
<br />
More "MAN!" stuff on the list. I grew up in the country - of course I've caught, killed and cooked my own dinner. Of course, I didn't jump off a high dive to catch it. So subtract a few points there.<br />
<br />
As for the high dive thing. I'm not much of a thrill seeker. I'm sure jumping out of planes is super fun and everything, but so is a record player and a glass of whiskey. I'm just in the "being terrified is fun" group.<br />
<br />
Besides, jumping out of a plane would probably kill that whole, "clean underwear for a week" thing.Narmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7814043992173479338.post-79868649304114700322013-06-06T09:08:00.000-04:002013-06-06T09:08:35.614-04:0030 for 30 on the 30th Part 7We're getting dangerously close to my 30th birthday and having to come up with a term for the male version of a cougar. Gone will be my boyish good looks, replaced with the salt and pepper wisdom that comes with age. I wouldn't say I'm getting better looking - I'd saying I'm continuing to be incredible looking in a new way.<br />
<br />
So here are the things society (or two random articles my wife found) tells me I need to have and do before I turn 30.<br />
<br />
<b>Thing I should have:</b> A toolbox that includes: a hammer, screwdriver, wrench, nails, work gloves.<br />
<br />
I enjoy that the person who wrote this article very likely does not have a toolbox. Why is hammer listed 3 items before nails? Who really uses nails very often, anyways? "OH NOES THE SINK BROKE, WHERE ARE MY NAILS?"<br />
<br />
And I need A screwdriver? Just one? You don't have to be Bob Vila to know that you need a flat head and a Phillips head screwdriver in your toolbox.<br />
<br />
UNLESS YOU ARE A TOOLBOX - AMIRITE!!!! <br />
<br />
<b>Thing I should do:</b> Take a road trip. Destination anywhere. Nothing booked along the way but finding lodging where lady luck dictates.<br />
<br />
This is everyone's favorite 'rite of passage' for men. It's like Jack Kerouac poisoned the water supply and even people who haven't read On The Road believe in it unconditionally.<br />
<br />
I've never taken a road trip to nowhere. Because it's unrealistic. Instead of taking the summer off to road trip across the country to some mystical drug-fueled orgy, I took summer classes and worked. Then I got a job. And now I'm married with a kid.<br />
<br />
So according to this list - my office job, house in the suburbs, wife, and kid are preventing me from ever maturing.<br />
<br />
I'll take it.<br />
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Narmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7814043992173479338.post-81914314325062688872013-05-21T12:33:00.004-04:002013-05-21T12:33:59.113-04:0030 for 30 on the 30th Part 5 & 6Continuing our (my?) list of 30 things I need to do / have before I turn 30 on June 30th today and combining the next two as both are related. I'm efficient, people!<br />
<br />
<b>Thing I should have</b>: At least one friend who gives honest fashion advice. / A tailored suit.<br />
<br />
I have a wife that does this. Now where on the list does it say, "at least one friend who can make you feel better after your wife trashes your fashion sense." <br />
<br />
I also have a tailored suit from our wedding - a suit I purchased 2 months before the wedding that I somehow got too fat to wear a week before the Big Day. I spent the last week before our wedding having the suit let out and walking on a treadmill. A TREADMILL! Marriage is tough, you guys. <br />
<br />
<b>Thing I should do</b>: Score the winner. / Invent a cocktail.<br />
<br />
Man stuff!<br />
<br />
I think we can officially agree these lists are less an honest critique of milestones a man should reach before he turns 30, and more a menu of things women look for in their metro-sexually dressed, yet rugged-acting, yet romantic/sweet dream guy. That being the case - this entire exercise feels like a waste since I already fit all of the criteria, but I'll indulge.<br />
<br />
So have I scored the winner or invented a cocktail? <br />
<br />
Probably. <br />
<br />
I played a lot of sports as a kid - I'm sure at some point I was responsible for a win. Does it count if I was also responsible for all of the losses? Do they cancel each other out? Or does a 'winner' count if it's a really great comeback to some troll on an online sports message board? No? What if there was a great .gif, too?<br />
<br />
As for a cocktail - it's pretty hard to invent a cocktail that is just straight whiskey. Maybe I'll throw a splash of water in it and call it the "Shut Up and Leave Me To My Whiskey." It should be ordered neat.<br />
<br />
It'll be a real winner. <br />
<br />
<br />Narmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7814043992173479338.post-10954386536552159482013-05-03T12:21:00.000-04:002013-05-03T12:21:15.450-04:0030 for 30 on the 30th Part 4Counting down until my 30th birthday on June 30th with a 30 part series of random things some writer somewhere decided were important tests of my manhood.<br />
<br />
Today's items:<br />
<br />
<b>Thing I should have</b>: <a href="http://www.thefrisky.com/2010-03-31/30-things-every-man-should-have-by-30/">At least four good pairs of shoes: dressy, business casual, casual, exercise</a>.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxdB2eIzMAbD34JXymrqhUHrJBtcg7-jNvWOj03O2ofAmR-vu4qooJcq3aThdPR9K26KWLvITHKznIq8g5QlRZekn00De0cu6iuWsWLU3LP2W1UQScOWtOnX1G-4EMccfwOFevnEHjaZ6T/s1600/SHOES!.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxdB2eIzMAbD34JXymrqhUHrJBtcg7-jNvWOj03O2ofAmR-vu4qooJcq3aThdPR9K26KWLvITHKznIq8g5QlRZekn00De0cu6iuWsWLU3LP2W1UQScOWtOnX1G-4EMccfwOFevnEHjaZ6T/s320/SHOES!.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dressy, Biz casual, Casual, Exercise</td></tr>
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<br />
The sad thing about my shoes is that they accurately describe my entire wardrobe: dress clothes, clothes that aren't dressy but I pretend that they are, a bunch of gray casual shirts, and a bunch of older gray casual shirts I use for anything that takes physical activity (for the record the last 2 pairs of Chucks are actually from two different pairs).<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Thing I should do</b>: <a href="http://www.simplythebestman.com/things-to-do-before-thirty.html">Ride a horse</a>. <br />
<br />
In 5th grade my class went on a trip to Camp High Hope. At camp we did all the usual campy things, highlighted by the fact that this was the first time all the boys had to shower in a public shower together. It being 5th grade, this was really one of our first pubic showers, as well. Gross.<br />
<br />
One of the activities at camp was to brush and ride a horse. The camp guide led me to the steed, handed me a brush and told me to start using it. No problem. I've brushed things. It's not that hard.<br />
<br />
WHAM!<br />
<br />
That fucker kicked me. Right in the thigh next to the parts I had exposed to my friends in the shower for the first time earlier that day. A horse kicking you hurts exactly as much as you would think. Like hell. <br />
<br />
But it was camp and it was about learning lessons. They stood me up, made sure my reproductive parts were still attached and marched me back up to that horse. Brush in hand, I reached out to begin brushing again...<br />
<br />
WHAM!<br />
<br />
This time it was an attempted head shot that I narrowly ducked and took in the shoulder. I literally had a hoof-print bruise on my shoulder for two weeks. It looked like I got the Colts' log tattooed on my back. It was awful. I was a 5th grader getting my ass beat by a goddamn horse in front of my entire class. You think bullies and wedgies are bad? Imagine if a horse was the one shoving you in a locker. With his legs. By kicking you. Maybe this visual didn't work like I expected.<br />
<br />
Anyways, the camp counselors again made me approach the horse and eventually ride him. So I have ridden a stupid horse. I hope you're happy now, stupid list of things I need to do to impress you. <br />
Narmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7814043992173479338.post-3682027848397692592013-05-02T14:09:00.000-04:002013-05-02T14:09:05.633-04:0030 for 30 on the 30th Part 3If Part 2 was a cheesy romantic-comedy version of what 'manhood' means, then today's is the passive aggressive Facebook status of a girl recently dumped.<br />
<br />
Thing I should have: <a href="http://www.thefrisky.com/2010-03-31/30-things-every-man-should-have-by-30/">Respect for women as equals and not just as heads attached to boobs.</a><br />
<br />
Thing I should do: <a href="http://www.simplythebestman.com/things-to-do-before-thirty.html">Give up my seat</a>.<br />
<br />
These two actually sum up the duality of being a white collar redneck fairly well - balancing a very vocal support for women's rights while also being raised to treat a woman like a lady, when that definition is often at conflict with the word 'equal.' <br />
<br />
I know women don't think it's that difficult, but balancing respect and chivalry is a delicate task - especially when women themselves don't always agree on the two. Women can't agree on which pack out of Ryan Gosling's six they love the
most - how can they believe they all have the same definition of
chivalry and respect? <br />
<br />
I can't tell you how many times I've gotten a dirty look for opening
a door for a woman - or how many times I've gotten a dirty look for not
opening a door for a woman. <br />
<br />
Something one woman finds charming can be taken as offensive to another. Is giving up a seat to a woman considered a courteous act? Because lord knows I've gotten, 'I can handle standing, thank you very much,' as a response.<br />
<br />
So do I have respect for women as equals? Or course, and I 'give up' the driver's seat to my wife as often as I take the wheel myself - even if I try to still open the door for her. <br />
<br />
But her head still looks great attached to those boobs. <br />
<br />
Maybe I'll just give myself a half-point for this one. <br />
<br />
<br />Narmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7814043992173479338.post-29774686035078515262013-04-30T15:01:00.000-04:002013-04-30T15:01:37.933-04:0030 for 30 on the 30th Part 2Continuing with the series of things I'm supposed to do and things I should have by my 30th, I'm tackling both of today's items at one time:<br />
<br />
Thing I should have: <a href="http://www.thefrisky.com/2010-03-31/30-things-every-man-should-have-by-30/">A tasty signature dish I can whip up for a date.</a><br />
<br />
Thing I should do: <a href="http://www.simplythebestman.com/things-to-do-before-thirty.html">Drive an Amazing Car.</a><br />
<br />
These seems like crazy superficial things made more for a dating profile or romantic comedy than a bucket list. I highly doubt I'll be on my death bed and worried about either of these - unless I woke up some day as Matthew McConaughey in 'Failure To Launch.' Even then the only reason I'd be on my deathbed is because I'd want to kill myself.<br />
<br />
If I had a nice car and could cook a good meal I'd be a PERFECT candidate to play the charming guy that just wasn't quite right for the quirky sitcom girl. <br />
<br />
Which is great - but I'm turning 30, not trying to date Zooey Deschanel.<br />
<br />
Although that would make a great item to include on a list of 'Things To Do before You Turn 30<em>.'</em><span class="st"><em></em></span><br />
<br />
<span class="st"><em> </em></span>Narmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7814043992173479338.post-50000276044298619752013-04-24T13:38:00.000-04:002013-04-24T13:38:13.573-04:0030 for 30 on the 30thWell I turn 30 on June 30th. <br />
<br />
Of course, I drive home from my office job to my house in the suburbs to eat dinner with my wife and give my baby a bath. So I've actually been 30 for a few years now.<br />
<br />
Either way - we love round numbers in this country so I'm going to use this as an excuse to celebrate with a new blog series:<br />
<br />
30 for 30 on the 30th.<br />
<br />
I'm going to reference two articles -<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.simplythebestman.com/things-to-do-before-thirty.html">30 Things a Guy Should Do Before He Turns 30</a><br />
<br />
and<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.thefrisky.com/2010-03-31/30-things-every-man-should-have-by-30/">30 Things Every Man Should Have by 30</a><br />
<br />
So I guess technically it is 60 for 30 on the 30th. But you know what? Shut up.<br />
<br />
<b>Thing I should do before 30 - 'Dance with a stranger in a strange land.'</b><br />
<br />
Oh I've done this. I was at a piano bar and got pulled on stage by a cougar to dance to 'Paradise by the Dashboard Light.' <br />
<br />
Now, I'm not new to cougar attacks. There is normally some playful flirting, a joke or two, and it's over. <br />
<br />
But that damn song is 8 minutes and 29 seconds along.<br />
<br />
I have enough dance moves for maybe, MAYBE, 23 seconds of dancing. And that's if I go through all my moves twice. This was like a marathon. I got down. I shimmied. I threw my hands in the air so many times, I don't care to count. And that was all just the first verse. Not to mention the awkward juxtaposition of dancing with a cougar to a song about a high school girl losing her virginity. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiepoZw-8CqSl0b9tPBr-adRtSVPlkl_wPeKYMZc6enm1Ff2iWaCafN6SFW3pJ8Ra6MYnjGqgxlPmVU46fEbVjfog6zWdQtLam56ic3kxvxm62tliqinpnW9Ebgdks94qII6QAABzF-5XPP/s1600/cougarattack.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiepoZw-8CqSl0b9tPBr-adRtSVPlkl_wPeKYMZc6enm1Ff2iWaCafN6SFW3pJ8Ra6MYnjGqgxlPmVU46fEbVjfog6zWdQtLam56ic3kxvxm62tliqinpnW9Ebgdks94qII6QAABzF-5XPP/s320/cougarattack.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<b>Thing I should have before 30 - 'A skin care regimen.'</b><br />
<br />
No chance. I have a strict 'No Showering On the Weekends' rule already. And at this point my showers are a quick once-over the arm pits and leg pit before I get out. <br />
<br />
Here's the thing. I have a beard. It is constantly growing, which means it is constantly getting younger. You fools are all worried about your skin aging - well screw you, my face is like a week old. If anything, I need my face to get older. My beard is immature right now, laughing at fart jokes and thinking girls have cooties. Instead of using some stupid face cream, I'm going to rub a Playboy all over my face and let it smoke cigarettes.<br />
<br />
And I'll warn it about the types of girls that go to piano bars. <b><br /></b><br />
<h1 style="font-size: 24px; font-weight: bold;">
<br /></h1>
Narmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7814043992173479338.post-73524408658582666542013-04-01T13:16:00.000-04:002013-04-01T13:16:41.145-04:00XXX Rated <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Porn is pretty weird, right?</div>
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It is a billion dollar industry based around watching other
people do something fun.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Think about it – what other purely experiential event is so
heavily viewed by others?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We don’t watch
people get a massage to relax.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t
watch a video of a dude eating a steak and feel full.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I mean, I get that there is nudity involved – but if you
want to see nudity do a Google image search for LITERALLY ANYTHING. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What do we, as a society, enjoy about it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Oh man, look at those two having such a
great time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look at how happy they are.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s like looking at a friend’s wedding
photos.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can see they’re happy without
seeing their wedding NIGHT photos.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Narmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7814043992173479338.post-53626501345311616562013-01-31T09:16:00.000-05:002013-01-31T09:16:54.599-05:00Pet Names<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6INFs96RI3_0ZHpaAkdn33Rntz6fN0yJa6du1urXtuEAbyRK4s_FCxlS-xKHvecMucflxY3u9VOPEPzqEy_dLUdoMfMrvqhdvJKCiYAO2DQwooV1Bh0TsD0_YIQLvNpmQQmffg0xWjOhS/s1600/invisiblebaffi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6INFs96RI3_0ZHpaAkdn33Rntz6fN0yJa6du1urXtuEAbyRK4s_FCxlS-xKHvecMucflxY3u9VOPEPzqEy_dLUdoMfMrvqhdvJKCiYAO2DQwooV1Bh0TsD0_YIQLvNpmQQmffg0xWjOhS/s320/invisiblebaffi.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
That's my cat.<br />
<br />
Or, that's the area I assume my cat inhibits.<br />
<br />
You see, my cat is so uniformly black, he is nearly impossible to capture in a photograph. He pretty much looks like a shadow with eyes. If he didn't try to trip me all the time, I might assume he didn't exist at all. Like my cat was actually a rip in the universe; a blackhole portal to another dimension.<br />
<br />
But think about how great that would be?<br />
<br />
He would be a walking, purring, self-bathing rip in our entire reality as currently understood. Imagine having a cat that, instead of throwing up matted-up hairballs, threw up debris from far away galaxies. <br />
<br />
Any morning when running down the stairs, he could twist between my legs and cause me to step on him - but since 'him' is actually a vortex that sucks objects from Earth and projects them into a world that has no resemblance of our rules of dimensions and physics, I'd instantly be distorted into some un-human form. Possibly that of a cat. <br />
<br />
So there's a chance that my cat sucks in Earth-bound objects and spits them back out as cats. My cat could be the genesis for all cats. He is sort of the Abraham of cats - where to understand the number of cats that are direct descendants, you'd have to count all of the grains of sand on the beach and stars in the sky.<br />
<br />
But those damn yellow eyes also make him look like something much more evil than a simple tear in the universe. If he were nothing more than a portal or a vehicle, he wouldn't be able to emit emotion. Looking at his sulking, all-black figure and being caught in the glare of those yellow eyes, it's impossible not to feel something haunting and...human?<br />
<br />
Human in that something so dark, so dark to be almost unable to be viewed beyond simply his blackness, feels like some sort of a choice. And choice, as a burden and a gift, belongs solely to humans.<br />
<br />
So there's also a chance that my cat is the physical representation of human evil. He exists solely through the hatred emitted by us as a species. He is a Dementor or a Ringwraith, or something that non-nerds understand. <br />
<br />
Which is fairly believable. We'll go long stretches without seeing any evidence of the cat being in the house - even after an exhaustive search. Perhaps he uses the forces of evil to escape the house and do the Devil's bidding. Maybe he is using us as nothing more than a host - like some sort of parasite, his only attachment to us is as a cover for his true passion: evil. He may have chosen us, that as middle-class, white-collar, suburban parents, my wife and I provide no strong pull towards good or bad. Our existence is so insignificant it poses no need to be destroyed through evil. He can live under our roof with no questions of his true motives, and no need to destroy the host.<br />
<br />
But with either scenario - is there really any need for question or concern? If he is a portal to another galaxy, it really impacts my life very little. The threat of being disfigured and distorted into cat form would be more threatening if I wasn't already exposed to the life of a cat; which is to say, a life of leisure.<br />
<br />
If he is a physical incarnation of natural human evil? My only concern is guilt. Should I pose any threat, I wouldn't be here to write this blog. Housing a pure and functioning act of evil under my roof is obviously not an honorable act, but neither is dying; at least not in the case of trying to defeat an evil greater than my mere suburban hands could injure. So while looking the other way as I protect something evil is despicable, martyrdom for the sake of martyrdom is hardly a sign of courage. Besides, I have a family to think about.<br />
<br />
Which brings me back to the original point.<br />
<br />
That's my cat.<br />
<br />
The extra-curriculars that surround my cat really don't matter to me. I cannot control them and they don't impact my life. My cat might not be a cat - or even be real. But I fed him cat food this morning. I'll scoop his litter tonight. He's a part of my house whether he's a cat or something completely different than a cat. <br />
<br />
So, to me...<br />
<br />
That's my cat. <br />
<br />Narmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7814043992173479338.post-87364958370864322572012-11-27T12:29:00.000-05:002012-11-27T12:30:34.494-05:00The Baby PostWhen last we spoke, I was awaiting the birth of my first kid.<br />
<br />
Well, that happened.<br />
<br />
My beautiful daughter was born in September and I couldn’t be happier. Or at least, I assume that’s what I would feel if I weren’t too sleep deprived to feel emotion. I thought I felt the warmth of happiness the other day – but then realized it was just a wet fart.<br />
<br />
It seems a bit irresponsible of me to have not posted since her birth. I’ve been writing this blog for 5 (!!!) years now. Many of you have been reading for years and have always been supportive and excited at my various life changes – buying a house, getting married, that time I threw my back out while dancing at a bar downtown. You guys care – and I appreciate that.<br />
<br />
But damn if it ain’t hard to live up to ‘The Baby Post’. Someday, my daughter is going to find this blog and want to see what I said after her birth. Unfortunately, the second paragraph already says ‘fart’. Sorry, kid.<br />
<br />
That’s life. Sometimes you surprise yourself and create something incredible. Other times you have to force pen to paper no matter how long you draw blanks.<br />
<br />
This blog post falls under the latter, but that little bundle of joy is definitely the former.
Narmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7814043992173479338.post-34257397138777153702012-09-20T12:22:00.004-04:002012-09-20T12:22:52.060-04:00TerminalI hate going to the doctor.<br />
<br />
Mainly because they don't realize that I'm dying all the time. <br />
<br />
Most doctors are too jaded to get excited about anything that is wrong with me. I'm freaking the fuck out, the least they could do is look up from their chart.<br />
<br />
That's why I think I need my own personal doctor. A doctor that has only ever had one patient: me. That way, when I go to the doctor, they're just as freaked out as I am.<br />
<br />
"Hey, Doc, I've got this mole thing going on over here."<br />
<br />
"HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THAT??? GROSS!!! EW! EW! EW!"<br />
<br />
With today's doctors, where's the empathy? Where's the urgency? WebMD told me this toothache meant my brain tumor was having a heart attack - why won't my doctor realize this?<br />
<br />
Plus, if I had my own personal doctor, they would know more about me. They would know what solutions made sense and which conditions were more important to cure. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago and told them whenever I drink a glass of wine or a few beers I wake up with a terrible migraine that lasts the entire day. Obviously this is quite possibly the worst thing that could ever happen to me.<br />
<br />
Her response? 'Don't drink beer or wine.'<br />
<br />
Christ, doctor. Are you sure I don't have cancer or something less serious?Narmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7814043992173479338.post-36224698047645419242012-08-22T09:15:00.000-04:002012-08-22T09:19:11.240-04:00Like A Horse and CarriageMarriage sucks*.<br />
<br />
Seriously. It's the worst.<br />
<br />
Imagine all of your annoying social obligations - now double them. Take all of your favorite TV shows and your hobbies and cut them in half. <br />
<br />
Want to go out to eat? Divide the number of restaurants you like in half and the multiply the amount of time it takes to pick one by five. Somehow girls can hang out for a few months and sync their periods, but a
couple can be married for 20 years and their taste buds can't match up on Mexican or Chinese food.<br />
<br />
Which is why I get so confused when I hear about single people that are just 'dying to get married.' No, you want to be in love - and if it makes sense to file a joint tax return, maybe you should get married after that. <br />
<br />
Marriage should be a by-product of being in love. Wanting to be
married is like wanting to wipe your ass with $20 bills. I don't WANT
to wipe my ass with $20's, I want to be rich enough that I can. <br />
<br />
And if that's not possible, I just want some damn Chinese food tonight.<br />
<br />
<i>* Not MY marriage. Just the idea of marriage in general.</i> Narmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7814043992173479338.post-20564193788782573932012-07-11T13:18:00.000-04:002012-07-11T13:18:06.158-04:00Baby StepsWe had our first baby shower last week.<br />
<br />
People kept asking if we were 'ready' for the big life change.<br />
<br />
For the most part, I think we are.<br />
<br />
My wife opened one gift, a small pad that you place on a baby's back that vibrates them to soothe their crying.<br />
<br />
'Oh! A baby vibrator!' she exclaimed to the room, receiving a chorus of laughter in response.<br />
<br />
Yeah, we're ready for our baby - but is the world for us to reproduce?Narmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7814043992173479338.post-54060273701199674052012-07-03T08:56:00.001-04:002012-07-03T08:56:32.471-04:00Facebook's StatusI think it is time that my generation accepts what Facebook has become.<br />
<br />
It is no longer a vehicle for guys to check out girls in their slutty Halloween costumes and for girls to troll their ex-boyfriends and make snide remarks about their new girlfriend. Even if she is fat.<br />
<br />
My generation grew up with Facebook in its infant stages - when a .edu email address was required to sign up and the main function was finding that hot girl that sat in front of me in my economics class.<br />
<br />
The problem is that generation kinda sucks now. We're older. We don't go out as much. We're married. Our Halloween costumes are disappointingly unslutty.<br />
<br />
Even those that are still cool, who still lead exciting lives, are broadcasting this to an audience that hopes it can stay up late enough to watch the end of American Idol. <br />
<br />
When my friends discuss my impending parenthood, they say nearly the same thing, 'You aren't going to be one of those annoying parents that always posts pictures of their baby, are you?'<br />
<br />
I used to say no. At least, not unless the baby was in a slutty costume. But I've reconsidered.<br />
<br />
If not to post pictures of what is happening in my life, what is the point of Facebook? Are married couples asked not to post pictures of their spouse? Would Facebook exist if single girls were told they couldn't post pictures of their friends at the bar?<br />
<br />
Our lives are all boring. Or at least, boring to those people who aren't living them. My kid is no more annoying than a picture of the dessert you're eating. Is the point of Facebook to update your friends on your life, or to entertain them? Because if it is the latter, we need to talk about your checking into gas stations.<br />
<br />
Besides, we all grew up using Facebook as a way to hook up, seems a bit hypocritical to ban posting pictures of the results. Narmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7814043992173479338.post-81831229538240562752012-06-21T12:30:00.002-04:002012-06-21T12:30:29.774-04:00ExcessiveI suck at math.<br />
<br />
And I don't just mean my brain. My entire body sucks at math.<br />
<br />
For instance - humans are supposed to sleep eight hours a night. That leaves 16 hours of being awake - so one hour of sleep generates two hours of being awake. Correct?<br />
<br />
But last night, I took a 45 minute nap, and then laid awake in bed for three hours later that night. How does that makes sense? I signed up for one and a half hours of awakedness, body - this is simple multiplication.<br />
<br />
The night before? I drank two beers and got a hangover. TWO BEERS. But on the Friday night before that? Eight beers and had zero hangovers.<br />
<br />
What gives, body? What kind of crazy math are you using? I'm the only person with an abacus as an internal organ. <br />
<br />
It also appears that my body is punishing me for any sort of moderation. <br />
<br />
45 minute nap? Fuck you - I nap for four hours or I don't nap at all. Two beers? It takes me two beers to brush my teeth - you drink a case or you stay at home, Nancy Boy.<br />
<br />
It's like my body wants me to just drink a bunch of beer and stay out late every night.<br />
<br />
Wait, what was I complaining about, again?Narmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7814043992173479338.post-86842112157800765572012-06-12T09:19:00.001-04:002012-06-12T09:19:02.321-04:00Ill LogicalGuys and Gals, I'm worried.<br />
<br />
I'm obsessed with logic. I can't stand doing something in a way that doesn't make the most sense.<br />
<br />
Don't believe me? When I run errands I think through the entire trip. Lowe's is first because it is on the right-hand side of the road, therefor I won't have to cross traffic to pull in. The pet store is next because it is on the left-hand side of the road, so when I pull out, I can turn right and be heading back home. The grocery is last because I have to plan the trip in the backwards order of how I want to unload the car - and the grocery items will be the first that need to be put away.<br />
<br />
THESE THINGS HAPPEN IN MY HEAD.<br />
<br />
Same goes for the office. I specifically print out all documents at the exact time I finish my cup of coffee so that I can pee, pick up the papers and get a refill at the exact same time.<br />
<br />
It isn't just in how I act, but the things I enjoy. Zombie movies are great because the main characters are just people that found themselves in the middle of a really bad flu season. I can relate to that. I can't relate to action movies where a guy goes an entire two hours without dropping his cell phone or misspelling the word 'restaurant'.<br />
<br />
But now? Now I'm going to have a kid making a lot of my important decisions.<br />
<br />
Have you met kids? They hate logic. They're like, "DAD I WANT MASHED POTATOES WITH MY GRAPES BECAUSE THAT'S HOW UNICORNS EAT IT!"<br />
<br />
How the hell am I going to cope with that. "Oh, you want to wear your frog boots to bed because you might have a dream about sea turtles? That makes sense. You do that while Daddy runs this knife over his wrist really slowly."<br />
<br />
My kid is going to end up having adult conversations by the time he is 4. I'll tell him about potty training and he'll be like, 'WHAT THE HELL, DAD? I'VE BEEN WALKING AROUND IN MY OWN CRAP AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME THERE WAS ANOTHER OPTION? HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO CRAP WHILE STANDING UP? IT IS TERRIBLE. I COULD'VE JUST BEEN SITTING ON THE TOILET THE ENTIRE TIME? WHAT AN ASSHOLE!"<br />
<br />
But I still bet he wears his frog boots on the potty.Narmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295289919932393072noreply@blogger.com2