Blasphemous

In my mind, I like to look back and think Jesus was kind of a jerk.  A good jerk - but a jerk.

Think about stories in the bible and tell me how someone could pull that off without sounding really cocky.

Take the story of the fisherman who were unable to catch fish -

'Hey, fisherman - why don't you try throwing your nets over the OTHER side of the boat, ya corncobs?  Oh there's fish over there?  Who knew.'

Or when he's feeding all those people -

'Are you SURE there's only seven loaves there?  Take a look again, tell me what you see?  Eh?  More bread.  Noob.' 

Or disappearing from his tomb.  The apostles were like 'Dudes - I swear Jesus was in here.'

Then - THEN - he goes around appearing to his buddies with no one around like 'NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO BELIEVE YOU LOL!'

Dude was out there just bustin' everyone's balls.  No wonder Peter denied knowing him.  We've all gotten a quick bit of amnesia when someone calls out a buddy.

So just remember the next time someone asks 'What would Jesus do?' - we're talking about the guy that hung out with prostitutes and was never too far from a bottle of wine. 

For a guy who rose from the dead, maybe his true lesson was YOLO.


 

BRB

I have writer's block. 

Or is it writers' block? 

Goddamnit I couldn't even get past the 3rd word.

Or is it passed the 3rd word?

Am I supposed to spell out "third" word?

Fuck it, I'll write something later. 

I Nose What You Did Last Summer

Runny noses are kind of bullshit.

The entire point of snot is to prevent the bad stuff from going up my nose – so why does my body turn into a snot factory when I’m already sick?  Is it guilt?  “NAH, MAN – I’VE BEEN MAKING PLENTY OF SNOT.  LOOK AT ALL THIS STUFF.  I GOT SNOT COMING OUT OF MY…WELL, I’VE GOT A LOT OF IT.  YOU MUST HAVE GOTTEN SICK SOME OTHER WAY.  BLAME MOUTH.  YOU SEE THE STUFF HE PUTS IN HIMSELF?”

For how complicated the human body is constructed, there sure are a lot of design flaws.  Why does your body get weaker or swell or get a fever to tell you something is wrong?  “Hey dude – some shit is screwed up in here so I’ve made you exponentially weaker to help you fix it.”  Your body might as well start hitting you with your own hands and then scream, “STOP HITTING YOURSELF!  STOP HITTING YOURSELF!” 

Sometimes I feel like my body and my brain are fighting.  My brain is pissed my body is sick and trying to figure out who to blame.  My nose invites some slutty virus up there and catches the head cold version of the clap and is trying to cover his tracks by throwing snot around like a parade. 

In the end I know my nose is doing something stupid whenever I get sick and it starts running, I just can’t catch it. 

30 for 30 on the 30th THE END

We're here.  We're to the end of my list of 30 things I should have and do before I turn 30 this Sunday, the 30th.

It's my 30th birthday eve's eve.  Except, unlike Christmas eve, the only bearded person sneaking through my house will be me when I have to pee at 3am. 

A lot of people get depressed as they get older.  Like they're closer to death. 

I'm pumped!  I've avoided death for 30 years now.  That's a pretty incredible living streak.  It's also pretty low standards on things to be excited about. 

But that's fine.  I'd rather appreciate the memories and people and days I'm adding on to my life every morning than worry about the days on the end of my life I'm losing.  I'm counting up, not counting down. 

So let's wrap this thing up (that's also a tip on a way to live longer for all you young'uns out there.)

Things I should have:

The beginning of a nest egg.

A place where everyone knows his name.

At least one sex move he's received lots of positive feedback on.

Does it count as a nest egg when the projected cost of college when my daughter turns 18 is approximately: all of the monies?  It's hard to save money when there is literally no amount of my salary I could put aside that would even dent her future college tuition.  I might as well spend it as a bar - at least everyone there knows my name.

As for the sex move that I've received positive feedback on?  NOT USING THE PHRASE "SEX MOVE."

Things I should do:

Learn a magic trick.

Look after someone else's kids for the day. 

Quit something you love.

When I was like 12 I got super into learning magic tricks.  And I was awful at them.  Somehow my parents would sit through them and pretend they couldn't tell that I flipped the card behind my back or whatever.  My parents were awesome.  But this probably explains why no one wanted to watch me for the day. 

As for quitting something I love - this would be a great time to quit the blog.  I mean, this worked out pretty well with the ending of this list quitting something you love and all that.

But I don't feel like doing that.  Partially because I just renewed the domain name, partially because I find the domain name REALLY clever... still... 5 years later.

But mostly because I still enjoy cranking out a post once a month and then obsessively checking the analytics to see if anyone read it.

So thank you for reading.

It's a better birthday present than you know.

30 for 30 on the 30th - Parts 25 -27

We're getting so close to my 30th I can almost feel it!  Wait.  Nope.  Just a fart.

Continuing my countdown of 30 things I should have and do before I turn 30 on the 30th - so much having and doing!!!

Things I should have:

Enough confidence to approach someone he finds attractive.

Enough sense not to use a cheesy pick-up line.

A great razor.

This is just dumb.  Of course a handsome man like me has no problem approaching someone I find attractive.  And why would I have to use a cheesy pick-up line when I look like this?

But the reason I can do those two things is because my beard is what you see when you are dying.  They say you see a tunnel, but that's actually just my beard and the light at the end is the space between my mustache and my chin.  Don't believe me?  Think about it - if you reach the end of the tunnel it would be like giving me a kiss.  That's the definition of heaven right there. 

Things I should do:

Drink tequila in Mexico.

Sell something you've made to someone you don't know.

Walk a mighty distance.

I drank rum in Jamaica.  Does that count?  And I sold you on reading this blog.  Which means I've made it!

As for walking a might distance - I used to have to hoe 80 acre fields 5 rows at a time.  It's literally just walking through dirt and weeds for 12 hours in the heat.  It's one of those jobs that I can't accurately explain to city kids who complain about working at the Gap when they were teenagers.  I mean - all they had to do was sell something to people they didn't know.  That sounds easy.