Aloe

What's red and white and hurts all over?

Let me give you a hint - it is super sexy and saves kittens on the weekend.

I spent the weekend bachelor partying on a lake up in Michigan and used the "Self-applied suntan lotion" technique. This technique is very similar to sponge painting your upper-half but instead of using paint you are coloring yourself with sunburn. Lets see Crayola come out with that color.

"Do you have Red-Orange?"

"Hmmm - no but I do have Excruciating Sunburn. It has more purple in it."

My back looks like a paint by number colored by a 2 yr old. I am pretty sure you could play Risk on my back because it looks like a world map. If you are concerned about the hurricanes heading towards Florida just ask me to lift my shirt and I can give you up to the minute updates.

Is it possible to overdose on aloe? You are going to find me in the gutter with two bottles of aloe and a green ring around my mouth.

Look for me on an upcoming episode of Intervention. I'll be hanging out at Rite-Aid and trying to pay homeless guys to rub it on my back where I can't reach. Finally you'll find me locked in my room OD'd on thirteen bottles of aloe and suicide note -

It's better to burn out than to peel away.

Bad Decisions

Last night I was in dire need of drinking and shenanigans so I met Cleveland celebrity Taawd out for some drinks. Little did I know that "drinks" didn't mean a few casual beers, it meant Miller Lite, Natty Light, Patrone, and a never ending stream of Riverbend Red. I am pretty sure if you mixed all of those things together in a science lab you would make anthrax. Somewhere in that concoction I contracted a hangover. I think it might be fatal.

Anyways the night started at Rock Bottom Brewery.

A brewery.

Where they make beer.

Their own beers.

The beer on the menu is their beer.

Not other peoples.

So what do I do when the waitress asked me what I wanted to drink?

"I'll have a Miller Lite please."

I'm an idiot.

Stupid People

I am of the opinion that bears are the scariest things on Earf.

Some of you out there may think that sharks are the scariest things in the world.

You are dumb.

Bears - super scary. Sharks - as long as I don't get near it's mouth...or water... can't hurt me. Sharks don't even have thumbs.

If anyone would like to convince me that sharks are scarier than bears - I would gladly have a blogxing match and prove that bears are by far the scariest things in the world.

Unless you are my roommate - when I asked him this question he answered, "A moose at night."

I didn't know we could specify time of day for the scariest animal conversation. And when would you not pick night? At what point are you like, "Um a tiger in the early morning."

But then I looked up the stats and moose kill more people every year than sharks and bears...combined.

Touche, Bullwinkle.

But thats not why we are here.

As mentioned below - we just got DVR and digital cable. My roommate, being a hunter, watches himself a lot of the Outdoor Channel. Seeing as we have two TV's in our living room, I am always watching my beloved Cleveland Indians lose baseball games on the other - so I am fine with whatever is on the main TV.

But yesterday when I got home from work my roommate runs up as I walk in and just says...

"Oh boy"

That is the International Man-Sign that something awesome has happened. Assuming it involves boobies, I drop all of my stuff and run in the living room.

Roommate - Guess what I have on the DVR?

Me - I bet it involves camouflage.

Roommate - Yup - and a guy hunting elephants.

Me - What do you use to hunt elephants?

Roommate - ...a gun...

Me - Is that gun called a bazooka?

So he turns on the DVR and sure enough - a group of like six people are walking through the jungle looking for Dumbo. Suddenly they see a big, pissed off elephant.

Now let me say something - I think bears are the scariest things since Gary Glitter, but a charging elephant is no joke. I assume that hunting an elephant involves a ton of people with large weapons, a jeep and some crazy scope so you can shoot the thing from Milwaukee.

Nope.

Here is what hunting elephants involves -

Walking through the jungle with a gun that holds two bullets and holding a bag of rocks.

What is the bag of rocks for?

When you see the elephant, you throw the bag of rocks at his face so that he will charge you.

THE POINT IS TO GET THE ELEPHANT TO CHARGE YOU.

SO YOU CAN SHOOT IT.

WITH YOUR TWO BULLETS.

Who are these guys that hunt elephants and what are their testicles made out of? Steel? Titanium? That plastic stuff that scissors always comes in that is impossible to get open and always cuts your hands when you try and the irony is that you are trying to get to the scissors so that you can use them on stuff just like that?

So the elephant charges, gets about 20 yards away and then you shoot it. Elephant falls down.

Now what?

What do you do with a dead elephant? Throw it on your back? Shooting an elephant is like volunteering to help someone move.

"Hey want to walk around the jungle, throw rocks at an elephant, shoot it, then spend the next week trying to figure out how the hell to get the elephant out of the jungle?"

I'm only in if there is a bazooka.

Squid Pro Quo

The roommate and I finally bit the $5 bullet and got DVR this week. I had DVR in college and recorded everything I possibly could. Like Madonna trying to figure out which baby she wants to steal every time she leaves the country, I would have to do some crazy eenie, meanie, miney mo thing to decide which episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force was getting the axe when that thing got full.

So with a week gone by what is recorded on my DVR?

Four shows about giant squids.

Thats it.

Four of em.

I have seen more shows about Giant Squid than I have Rocky movies. Which means even my DVR knows I'm a nerd.

It gets thrown into an apartment of two mid-twenties bachelors and is thinking, "Sweet - a life of porn and sports - I hit the jackpot!" (In this story my DVR is a guy).

But no.

Four shows about giant squids. And colossal squids. Which are like giant squids. But different.

You would know that if you DVR'd four shows about giant squids.

What if my DVR was like Tivo and recorded shows it thought you would like. Where the hell do you go from shows about giant squids?

"Let's see...my owner is a huge fucking dweeb - I'll record math shows and 7th Heaven."

Even my DVR won't be my friend.

It could at least try to be funny and record "L.A. Ink" and "Miami Ink" and "Inked". At least then I could say my DVR was witty. (Squid...ink...get it? I didn't say it was hilarious - but the thing is just wires and computer chips - you can't expect gold here.)

But instead it just sits there and suffers through shows about giant squids.

When I see my DVR pouting and feeling down I just remind him, it could be worse.

I could be recording Grey's Anatomy.

BlogDay

So when everyone kept wishing me a happy holiday weekend - I kept assuming they meant because of Labor Day. Now here it is, late Monday night and I find out that Sunday was BlogDay!

Where were you on THAT one Bad Kitties calendar? It better be in your 2009 edition or I'm going to have to look elsewhere for my Bad Kitties needs. You give me Canadian Thanksgiving but not BlogDay? That is racist. I refuse to put up with it because I am an erasist.

Anyways I received two mentions and I wanted to say a big THANK YOU to those two wonderful bloggers.

Ang* at Angilio Loud and Proud was kind enough to give me the Blogo Briliante award - and spruced up the logo's lip sweater which, if you know me, makes me giggle like a small school girl. Is there anything better than a mustache?


I think mine from last year is pretty spectacular as well:


I can't read Spanish so I assume that the award is for "Bulging Biceps" - in which case I gratefully accept and thank you for noticing. I've been working out.

Jenn over at Free and Flawed also stroked my already ginormous ego - though it took me 30 minutes to look past her ridiculously awesome layout. Damn you standard blogger template. Every time I visit her blog I realize I really need to spruce this place up. I mean I have company here and I couldn't even throw out some doilies?

* I get 5 points for spelling doilies right on my first try.