It's All About Status

Let's talk about Facebook. Or more importantly let's talk about who you talk to on Facebook.

Know who can read your status on Facebook? Everyone on Facebook. Know who can't?

Your pet, even though he just didn the cutest thing and you just wuv him so, so much. Yes, you do. YES YOU DO!

Your grandpa who is celebrating his 92 birthday and doesn't know the difference between Facebook and a banana.

Your baby. Why? Because it is a fucking baby.

Writing a Facebook status, particularly to a person who doesn't have Facebook, is like having a conference call with your entire address book to tell your girlfriend you are going to be home late for dinner. Only she isn't on the call.

But know what is even worse? Status messages that ARE directed at someone, but in some super sneaky, ninja way, don't name them.

"You are so out of my life."

"I love you!!1!!!<3"

"Thanks for the herpes."

In today's day and age, there are millions of ways to talk to people. You can email, text, call, message, direct message, snail mail, or, even, see them in person and use your vocal chords to form real, live words.

So why on earf would someone choose to make a status message directed at one person visible to everyone in their friends list?

Send them a fucking fax like a normal person!

Jack Frost

Fun fact -

71% of the Earth's surface is covered in water.

And

71% of my body is covered in fur.

We are the world!

Being half-wolf is not so convenient when it is 95 degrees out for two straight weeks.

Needless to say, we've had the air conditioning running like a fat kid after the ice cream truck.

But here is my problem with the glorious invention that is air conditioning - when you want more of it - do you say you want to turn it up (as in - turn up the power of the air conditioner) or down (as in - make the temperature less).

Me being a rockstar - I think of everything in terms of volume; so when I want more A/C, I tell the Lady Friend to "Turn that motherfucker up! WOOOOOO!" and then I play air guitar and do the splits a la Diamond David Lee Roth.

But couldn't that mean to turn the temperature up? Just the thought sends a stream of sweat running down my back. I want my house so cold my nipples actually frost over.

Besides, I need to cool off after chasing that ice cream truck.

LeRobbery

Ok, I know everyone is sick of LeBron, but the CLE is taking a pretty hard hit in all this and I wanted to clear the air, or as close to "clear air" as Cleveland gets.

We are all pissed.

Not because LeBron left. We would have been upset about him leaving no matter where he went.

But we aren't upset LeBron is stealing us of the opportunity to watch him play and to bring us championships. It goes much deeper than that.

I am robbed of the opportunity to tell my kids about seeing LeBron James play basketball. He told us for 7 years he wanted to be the Greatest Basketball Player of All-Time.

Everything he did was to be the Greatest. His "Chosen One" tattoo. His self-appointed "King James" nick-name. His play on the court and quote to ESPN the magazine, "I don't want to go ring chasing, I want to stay with the Cavs and build a champion."

Had he left for New York or Chicago, he would have become public enemy #1, but he would have still been the alpha-dog. The guy we hated but respected. The guy that put teams on his back and won championships.

So while I would have told my kids about how much I hated LeBron - I would still be telling my kids about him. About how I spent so many nights at Quicken Loans Arena cheering him - and then, booing him.

But now?

Now he goes to a team where he is just a piece. No matter how well he plays and the stats he puts up; no matter the number of rings he wins - he is just a cog in the machine. He isn't the machine.

And in 10 years when LeBron and the Heat have won a few championships, his legacy will be that of a really good player on a really good team that won some championships.

Not the Greatest of All-Time. Not something special. Not a once-in-a-lifetime player that people will forever mention along with the words Jordan and Russel and, maybe, Kobe.

I am not upset that LeBron merely left Cleveland, I am upset that my kids won't even ask me if I saw LeBron play.

Cleveland Reads (my blog)

Cleveland Reads is having their annual Reds, Whites and Brews: A Toast to Literacy event on 7/16 at Windows on the River.

You may be asking yourself, "Narm, I didn't realize you were into charities?"

Think about it, Reader, Cleveland Reads helps area children learn the essential skills needed to READ MY BLOG!

This is an investment for me. And there is booze.

Anyways, if you are interested in the event, Groupon is featuring tickets at a discounted price today. For $50 you receive all you can drink beer and wine as well as hors d'ouvres and a silent auction. Tickets are normally priced at $90 so check it out!

Because the kids need you.

And my blog traffic needs you.

So buy your ticket right meow.

Old Dirty Bastard

I turned 27 yesterday. I woke up like any other day, showered, brushed my teeth, and then started digging through the dirty clothes trying to find a t-shirt to wear. Suddenly, the Lady Friend sprang up from bed -

"YOU ARE TOO OLD TO BE WEARING DIRTY T-SHIRTS! GET A CLEAN ONE!"

Ah yes, at 16 you can drive, at 18 you vote and 21 you can drink at bars.

And then, at 27, you have to stop wearing dirty t-shirts.

Growing up is a bitch.