When last we spoke, I was awaiting the birth of my first kid.
Well, that happened.
My beautiful daughter was born in September and I couldn’t be happier. Or at least, I assume that’s what I would feel if I weren’t too sleep deprived to feel emotion. I thought I felt the warmth of happiness the other day – but then realized it was just a wet fart.
It seems a bit irresponsible of me to have not posted since her birth. I’ve been writing this blog for 5 (!!!) years now. Many of you have been reading for years and have always been supportive and excited at my various life changes – buying a house, getting married, that time I threw my back out while dancing at a bar downtown. You guys care – and I appreciate that.
But damn if it ain’t hard to live up to ‘The Baby Post’. Someday, my daughter is going to find this blog and want to see what I said after her birth. Unfortunately, the second paragraph already says ‘fart’. Sorry, kid.
That’s life. Sometimes you surprise yourself and create something incredible. Other times you have to force pen to paper no matter how long you draw blanks.
This blog post falls under the latter, but that little bundle of joy is definitely the former.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Terminal
I hate going to the doctor.
Mainly because they don't realize that I'm dying all the time.
Most doctors are too jaded to get excited about anything that is wrong with me. I'm freaking the fuck out, the least they could do is look up from their chart.
That's why I think I need my own personal doctor. A doctor that has only ever had one patient: me. That way, when I go to the doctor, they're just as freaked out as I am.
"Hey, Doc, I've got this mole thing going on over here."
"HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THAT??? GROSS!!! EW! EW! EW!"
With today's doctors, where's the empathy? Where's the urgency? WebMD told me this toothache meant my brain tumor was having a heart attack - why won't my doctor realize this?
Plus, if I had my own personal doctor, they would know more about me. They would know what solutions made sense and which conditions were more important to cure. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago and told them whenever I drink a glass of wine or a few beers I wake up with a terrible migraine that lasts the entire day. Obviously this is quite possibly the worst thing that could ever happen to me.
Her response? 'Don't drink beer or wine.'
Christ, doctor. Are you sure I don't have cancer or something less serious?
Mainly because they don't realize that I'm dying all the time.
Most doctors are too jaded to get excited about anything that is wrong with me. I'm freaking the fuck out, the least they could do is look up from their chart.
That's why I think I need my own personal doctor. A doctor that has only ever had one patient: me. That way, when I go to the doctor, they're just as freaked out as I am.
"Hey, Doc, I've got this mole thing going on over here."
"HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THAT??? GROSS!!! EW! EW! EW!"
With today's doctors, where's the empathy? Where's the urgency? WebMD told me this toothache meant my brain tumor was having a heart attack - why won't my doctor realize this?
Plus, if I had my own personal doctor, they would know more about me. They would know what solutions made sense and which conditions were more important to cure. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago and told them whenever I drink a glass of wine or a few beers I wake up with a terrible migraine that lasts the entire day. Obviously this is quite possibly the worst thing that could ever happen to me.
Her response? 'Don't drink beer or wine.'
Christ, doctor. Are you sure I don't have cancer or something less serious?
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Like A Horse and Carriage
Marriage sucks*.
Seriously. It's the worst.
Imagine all of your annoying social obligations - now double them. Take all of your favorite TV shows and your hobbies and cut them in half.
Want to go out to eat? Divide the number of restaurants you like in half and the multiply the amount of time it takes to pick one by five. Somehow girls can hang out for a few months and sync their periods, but a couple can be married for 20 years and their taste buds can't match up on Mexican or Chinese food.
Which is why I get so confused when I hear about single people that are just 'dying to get married.' No, you want to be in love - and if it makes sense to file a joint tax return, maybe you should get married after that.
Marriage should be a by-product of being in love. Wanting to be married is like wanting to wipe your ass with $20 bills. I don't WANT to wipe my ass with $20's, I want to be rich enough that I can.
And if that's not possible, I just want some damn Chinese food tonight.
* Not MY marriage. Just the idea of marriage in general.
Seriously. It's the worst.
Imagine all of your annoying social obligations - now double them. Take all of your favorite TV shows and your hobbies and cut them in half.
Want to go out to eat? Divide the number of restaurants you like in half and the multiply the amount of time it takes to pick one by five. Somehow girls can hang out for a few months and sync their periods, but a couple can be married for 20 years and their taste buds can't match up on Mexican or Chinese food.
Which is why I get so confused when I hear about single people that are just 'dying to get married.' No, you want to be in love - and if it makes sense to file a joint tax return, maybe you should get married after that.
Marriage should be a by-product of being in love. Wanting to be married is like wanting to wipe your ass with $20 bills. I don't WANT to wipe my ass with $20's, I want to be rich enough that I can.
And if that's not possible, I just want some damn Chinese food tonight.
* Not MY marriage. Just the idea of marriage in general.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Baby Steps
We had our first baby shower last week.
People kept asking if we were 'ready' for the big life change.
For the most part, I think we are.
My wife opened one gift, a small pad that you place on a baby's back that vibrates them to soothe their crying.
'Oh! A baby vibrator!' she exclaimed to the room, receiving a chorus of laughter in response.
Yeah, we're ready for our baby - but is the world for us to reproduce?
People kept asking if we were 'ready' for the big life change.
For the most part, I think we are.
My wife opened one gift, a small pad that you place on a baby's back that vibrates them to soothe their crying.
'Oh! A baby vibrator!' she exclaimed to the room, receiving a chorus of laughter in response.
Yeah, we're ready for our baby - but is the world for us to reproduce?
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Facebook's Status
I think it is time that my generation accepts what Facebook has become.
It is no longer a vehicle for guys to check out girls in their slutty Halloween costumes and for girls to troll their ex-boyfriends and make snide remarks about their new girlfriend. Even if she is fat.
My generation grew up with Facebook in its infant stages - when a .edu email address was required to sign up and the main function was finding that hot girl that sat in front of me in my economics class.
The problem is that generation kinda sucks now. We're older. We don't go out as much. We're married. Our Halloween costumes are disappointingly unslutty.
Even those that are still cool, who still lead exciting lives, are broadcasting this to an audience that hopes it can stay up late enough to watch the end of American Idol.
When my friends discuss my impending parenthood, they say nearly the same thing, 'You aren't going to be one of those annoying parents that always posts pictures of their baby, are you?'
I used to say no. At least, not unless the baby was in a slutty costume. But I've reconsidered.
If not to post pictures of what is happening in my life, what is the point of Facebook? Are married couples asked not to post pictures of their spouse? Would Facebook exist if single girls were told they couldn't post pictures of their friends at the bar?
Our lives are all boring. Or at least, boring to those people who aren't living them. My kid is no more annoying than a picture of the dessert you're eating. Is the point of Facebook to update your friends on your life, or to entertain them? Because if it is the latter, we need to talk about your checking into gas stations.
Besides, we all grew up using Facebook as a way to hook up, seems a bit hypocritical to ban posting pictures of the results.
It is no longer a vehicle for guys to check out girls in their slutty Halloween costumes and for girls to troll their ex-boyfriends and make snide remarks about their new girlfriend. Even if she is fat.
My generation grew up with Facebook in its infant stages - when a .edu email address was required to sign up and the main function was finding that hot girl that sat in front of me in my economics class.
The problem is that generation kinda sucks now. We're older. We don't go out as much. We're married. Our Halloween costumes are disappointingly unslutty.
Even those that are still cool, who still lead exciting lives, are broadcasting this to an audience that hopes it can stay up late enough to watch the end of American Idol.
When my friends discuss my impending parenthood, they say nearly the same thing, 'You aren't going to be one of those annoying parents that always posts pictures of their baby, are you?'
I used to say no. At least, not unless the baby was in a slutty costume. But I've reconsidered.
If not to post pictures of what is happening in my life, what is the point of Facebook? Are married couples asked not to post pictures of their spouse? Would Facebook exist if single girls were told they couldn't post pictures of their friends at the bar?
Our lives are all boring. Or at least, boring to those people who aren't living them. My kid is no more annoying than a picture of the dessert you're eating. Is the point of Facebook to update your friends on your life, or to entertain them? Because if it is the latter, we need to talk about your checking into gas stations.
Besides, we all grew up using Facebook as a way to hook up, seems a bit hypocritical to ban posting pictures of the results.
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