Bearding Update 2.28

As you can see the beard is coming in nicely - and by nicely I mean when I walk down the street small children cry and women cross to the other side of the road. In a recent study done by leading scientists across the word, the amount of fur on my face is directly related to the chance I have of getting laid this weekend:


I think I may begin to refer to this thing as my chastity beard

Ex Messaging (Without T-9 Word)

I remember mentioning the name of an ex-boyfriend to a friend of mine, to which she responded, "I'm sorry, you must not have heard. He doesn't exist anymore."

Rrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer! (that was the sound of a cat hissing - there is a super fruity scratching hand-motion that goes with it but I didn't do it while I typed that because I was trying to keep it as manly as possible).

I'll admit I've had exactly one official "girlfriend" in the last four plus years (it didn't sound so pathetic until I typed it out) but I've had a lot of little "datings" and "talkings" and "seeings" ("screwings"?) over the years. Obviously none of these "ings" worked out - but to my knowledge none of them have ceased to exist either.

Of course I have my own sob stories - but they are like bad-beat stories in poker - everyone has one - no one cares (unless you're hot and it was strip poker...and there was a camera). That being said - I don't understand how someone can instantly hate their ex (have they never heard of ex-sex?) If you liked each other enough to date - unless there was something really, REALLY bad (found them in bed with a sibling, parent or pet) is it worth all the work to hate them that much? Because lets face it - hating someone is a lot more work than being friends with them - you have to remember WHY you hate them, make sure to make comments about them, explain why there is a picture of their face on your dartboard to friends and family, explain why you have a dartboard when you live in an apartment - don't you realize you are never going to get your deposit back now - etc etc.

By now I'm sure you've seen through the facade of this being a funny post and realize it is a sappy one in sheep's clothing. I'm sorry - I tried to fake it (thats what she said) but as mentioned before - these Cleveland winters seem to never end - at least this post doesn't have a picture of me without a shirt. Either way - the moral of the story is that in the last year I have had the chance to meet a few incredible girls that, even though things didn't work out, set the bar pretty high for any future relationships. So here's to all the ones that got away - sorry for the drunk texting - thanks for not ceasing to exist.

I'm Bearding

Old Man Winter has been kicking my ass of late, and with my attempts to woo a cute female falling a bit short - I've come down with a bout of the saddies. I relayed my whining to my friend Jess who recommended I use my greatest emotional outlet - facial hair.

I am always in a state of bearding. The two-day scruff, the business beard and the full-on Grizzly Adams (Grizzly Adams DID have a beard - yes that is my second reference to an Adam Sandler movie) - I wear them each with pride. But my favorite is the Grizzly Adams.

Not everyone can grow a beard so who am I to waste this talent? Millions of men lay awake at night, crying, because they are unable to partake in the full on sexiness of facial hair - I grow it for them. Grow it thick - grow it proud, baby.

But ladies - you hate it. I understand it scratches you when we kiss, but goddamn, we just met - buy me a drink before you start complaining about the making out stage. I'm not a player, honey, I just crush a lot. The last time I had a full beard, I heard a lot of, "You'd be really cute without that beard." So it came off like a dress on prom night (but trust me, I looked FABULOUS - it was strappy and showed my back - but not too much - I'm not a hussie.)

But now, with the saddies creeping in and no one to impress, I am starting a new tradition - St. Patty's Day beard. I had one last year - and goddamner I'm gonna have one this year as well. For the next month I'm punting all attempts at physical attractiveness and going for full-bore manitude. If you suddenly smell saw dust, don't worry - its just the Nom.

(I realize I am not far into the bearding process so I made sure to point at my beard in case you couldn't see it)

Fortunate Son

My last two fortunes -

"Your luck is just not there. Attend to practical matters today."

"Everyone around you is rooting for you. Don't give up."

Nothing says, "You're a winner" like a patronizing pat on the head by a cookie from a pay-by-the-pound Chinese buffet.

Top 5 Movies

My Top 5 posts are supposed to be a cop-out when I feel uncreative and want to take the easy way out - the grilled cheese of blogging, if you will - but this post was a pain in my ass. I've written and rewritten my top 5 bands about 800 times so I thought movies would be easier. Wrongo bongo.

Here are my Top 5 Movies* as of this exact second - if you ask in an hour I am sure they will change

1. American Beauty
2. Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind
3. A Clockwork Orange
4. High Fidelity
5. Shawshank Redemption

Wow those are some depressing assed movies. Yes ass can be used as that part of speech. No I can't name that part of speech.

Some others that just missed the list - Wristcutters (A Love Story), Requiem for a Dream, Vanilla Sky, Cool Hand Luke, Pee Wee's Big Adventure, Fight Club, Big Lebowski, Animal House, Evil Dead, Lord of the Rings, Life of David Gale, Old School, Blues Brothers, Pool Hall Junkies, Rounders - really this list could go on forever.

Here is a tasty treat from High Fidelity so you don't think I'm a Debbie Downer:


*List subject to change whenever I feel like it and can actually remember all the movies that I love.