Do You Like Me? Yes. No. Maybe.

Two of my favorite Cleveland bloggers gave me some bloggy style love today. I love both of their blogs and appreciate them stroking my ego enough to make my head even bigger than it already was.

Thanks to Mel over at Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Your Boyfriend for the following award:



Her weekly "Penis Tuesday" feature might be the greatest weekly event in my life (right behind my weekly shower). She always squeezes every bit of fun out of Cleveland better than anyone I have ever seen.

Special thanks to my penis for enabling me to be in the running for this award.

Also thanks to -A at Encounters of the Human Kind. Her posts are always extremely thought provoking and I need to apologize for the amount of times I work fart jokes into my comments on her page. She has bestowed upon me the Arte y Pico award:



Please check her blog out and join in what is always an interesting discussion (and if you leave an intelligent comment you will cancel my stupid one out - the same reason you should vote this year.)

So my instructions were to nominate a few of the other blogs that I enjoy - lets start with the first award -



Goes to -

Confessions of a Cohabitant - she enjoys calling guys idiots as much as I enjoy calling girls bat shit crazy.

Surviving Myself - because when people are idiots he says all the witty, awesome things that I only come up with fifteen minutes after they walk away.

Your Beard Is Good - I am pretty sure he is just a cartoon character that gets in crazy situations everyday because no one person should have as many good stories as he does.

A Taste of Fresh Banana Puddin' is hysterical and I am pretty sure is picking up my party slack since I have become uncool.

Cleveland's A Plum - another hysterical blog that captures the goings on in Cleveland better than I ever will. Also introduced me to Carl Monday's Jackin It Also didn't run away screaming when we met at the bar which means our meeting went better than my foray into online dating - ZING!

And for the Arte y Pico award -



BloggingJason - his writing style and alcohol intake are both impressive - and he is a staunch supporter of the "Bears and Scarier Than Sharks" campaign.

Mental Poo - although part of me is angry at how many times his custom pictures have made me laugh out loud in my office as my boss walks by.

Speak On It - because her dance moves to NKOTB brought all the boys to the yard (watch the video). And she is manages to fit a lot of humor and insight into some serious topics.

*** I fucked up. It was BSB - not NKOTB. I feel terrible for this. I am pretty sure I could be arrested for slander. I don't know what slander means but I'm sticking with it because I am a jerk. Sorry Deutlich!

Half Deserted Streets - when I see this name I always think it says Desserted and I want to know how dessert became a verb and why I never dessert. But beyond that she is extremely creative and the Testaments series has been funny, hilarious and insightful at the same time.

Ok there are so, so, so many more but I am running out of energy and compliments. This blog is supposed to be all about ME damnit!

Oh - the rules -

1) Choose 5 blogs that you consider deserving of this award based on creativity, design, interesting material, and overall contribution to the blogger community, regardless of the language.

2) Post the name of the author and a link to his or her blog by so everyone can view it.

3) Each award-winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award.

4) The award-winner and the presenter should post the link of the “Arte y pico” blog, so everyone will know the origin of this award.

5) Please post these rules.

6) Buy Narm lots of pretty things.

My Neighbor

If you were to make a list of the coolest dudes ever it wouldn't probably go something like this:

1. James Dean
2. Jesus
3. Simon Pegg
4. Frank Sinatra
5. Mr. T

But you would be wrong. Because Fred Rogers is the coolest dude to ever walk through the Neighborhood of Make Believe. And that is NOT a knock on Prince Tuesday.

Normally I wouldn't trust a man with two first names - but luckily Fred has that little "s" at the end of Rogers that makes him a-ok in my book. I mean the man was a legend, loved by all - and still put his shoes on one at a time, just like everyone else.

Cnn.com has a story on why Mr. Rogers is the Best Neighbor Ever.

No argument here, Cnn.com

But their #1 reason for him being the Best Neighbor Ever? "Even Koko the gorilla loved him." That is a TERRIBLE reason! Mr. Rogers is a buffet of awesome - and you choose the fact that some gorilla liked him?

Fuck that gorilla. So it knows sign language - what the hell does a gorilla really have to talk about?

"Hey Koko! How is your day?"

"Banana"

"I'll get one in a minute - did you study today?"

"Banana"

"In a bit - have you just been hanging out all day?"

"Banana"

"Hanging out? Get it? Because you are a gorilla?"

"Banana"

"Oh cmon - that was funny!"

"Ok, seriously - I just want a fucking banana - now walk your ass over there and get one for me. I'm like 600 lbs heavier than you and I have these huge teeth. Do you see these? They'll kill you. I'd get it but I walk on my knuckles and by the time I get back to this La-Z-Boy the banana will be destroyed and there is no WAY I am watching Mr. Rogers without my banana."

Koko is a bitch.

Mr. Rogers didn't have time for that Koko drama - Mr. McFeely is bringing a delivery and someone has to feed those fish ASAP. If you don't agree with me, read the article and try to give me one good reason that Mr. Rogers is not Best Neighbor Ever.

The Dark Knight

Before I get into the important stuff I need to nerd out and say that I saw the Foo Fighters this past weekend and Pat Smear came out and played guitar while Dave Grohl sang "Marigold" - which, if you aren't a huge nerd, is an old Nirvana B-side from the "Heart Shaped Box" single. Since I was 11 when Kurt died this is the closest I could get to real Nirvanaing and I more or less jumped up and down like a little girl and ran home to put on a bunch of flannel and complain about my parents. Awesome.

That was Friday. Saturday I went...for the second time...to see The Dark Knight. For those of you keeping score, that is 5 hours of my life dedicated to a man-crush on Heath Ledger. After my man-boner for Dave Grohl the night before it took me three hours of locking myself in a room with pictures of Jessica Alba everywhere to straighten myself out.

But lets stay on track - I'd like to get something off of my ridiculously toned chest.

Batman is not a Superhero.

Even saying he is a Superhero is insulting to REAL Superheroes - in fact, I just talked to Captain America and he locked himself in his room and is crying. I tried to talk to him but he just kept screaming, "I HATE YOU" and playing Good Charlotte songs really loud.

Lets look at the facts.

Superhero (su·per·he·ro) n. A figure, especially in a comic strip or cartoon, endowed with superhuman powers and usually portrayed as fighting evil or crime.

Batman is a figure, he is in a comic strip, and he fights evil and crime. What is missing? NO SUPERHUMAN POWERS. If Batman is a Superhero, then Chief Wiggam is a Superhero.



Superman has the superhuman strength and flying, Wonderwoman has the ability to turn me on and Spider has the ability to make people take Tobey Maguire serious as an actor.

Batman is just a really rich guy that has all kinds of crazy gadgets, like Steve Jobs but Batman fights Supervillains instead of Bill Gates. (Depending on your opinion of Bill Gates I may have just proven that Steve Jobs IS Batman).

I will not dispute Batman is awesome - but Superhero he is not. I realize this argument will fall on deaf ears to you Batman fans because the Lady Friend and I had this argument for nearly 20 minutes after walking out of the movie - her main point coming back to the fact that Batman was "Awesome". Does that make ME a Superhero? Because we all know I am awesome - and I am WAY too busy to start fighting crime. That and I don't think Nickelback and Carlos Mencia count as Supervillains.

Anyways the argument with the lady was going in circles until the following comment was made -

"I'd still fuck him."

The girlfriend agreed.

A Few Good Ads

I don't know how many of you work in advertising but this spoof was too good not to post.


I'm having trouble convincing myself that advertising is, in fact, not the end of the world. That, believe it or not, if someone doesn't see an ad for one of our products, no one will die. Except me, because I will be fired and then not pay rent and become one of the countless homeless people in Cleveland.

I have to imagine it wouldn't be that hard to round up a bunch of homeless people into some form of Homeless Army. People are easiest to control when they are desperate - hard to be much more desperate than homeless people (unless you are Cory Feldman looking for a gig).

I want to be the Homeless Moses. I want to lead my people to freedom - and by freedom I mean the parking lot behind Cleveland Browns Stadium. Aluminum cans for days! Thank YOU alcoholic Browns fans! And aluminum cans are the currency of homeless people. I'd pimp out my shopping cart-house and get ALL the homeless ladies.

And with my Homeless Army could march downtown and start a Homeless Band. Homeless people have it all wrong with their solo act. No one is impressed Saxophone Guy - you'd be third chair at best. And Bongos Guy - seriously - no one wants to listen to bongos unless they are hippies - and hippies aren't even real people. But together - the Homeless Band could play ironic songs like the Stones' "Gimme Shelter". I would give money to a band of homeless dudes playing ironic songs about them not having a place to live. I would slap my knee and say, "Oh you crazy homeless people! Here's a nickel!'

And we would garner so much popularity that politicians would fight for our votes. They would storm the streets and shake our dirty hands in our gloves with the fingers cut off and throw quarters in our oversized plastic cups. Soon national attention would be paid to the Homeless Moses and his Homeless Army playing ironic songs in their Homeless Band. America would rest in the hands of who Homeless Moses backed in the election - and lets face it - the Homeless Army would totally be going for Barack. He speaks to the homeless person. He'd approach my cardboard box and I'd say:

"Barack, do you have any change?"

And he would respond:

"Yes I do, Homeless Moses, I have a Change You Can Believe In."


Barack Obama in 2008
Homeless Moses said so.

Someone Kiss A Frog ASAP

Music is the lifeblood that keeps me going through the day. I have been working quite a few 10,11,12 hour days lately and without the sweet sounds of music tickling my ears I am pretty sure I would explode - and that would be messy. And be inconvenient for my roommate because then he would have to pay rent by himself. Man would he be pissed.

This morning has been kind of a bitch to me. I got up late, rewarding myself for an extremely long day yesterday, and everything seemed fine. Then traffic hit. Then I forgot white socks for my softball game - meaning I have to wear khaki colored argyle socks with my bright red cleats. Then I spilled burning hot coffee on my hand.

But that was nothing. Most of that is because I am an idiot - and I have learned to accept that.

What I can't accept is when my iTunes hides Prince from me.

You son of a bitch, iTunes - I want When Doves Cry and I want it now.

It was there yesterday - the entire Purple Rain album. I started my morning with Let's Go Crazy and danced through Purple Rain. I thoroughly enjoy making other people feel weird inside because they are trying to talk business and I want to tell them about Darling Nikki. I don't give a shit if Prince isn't exactly the Straight Man's Anthem - dude wails on the geetar and I am pretty sure he is a magical elf. You want to make fun of a magical elf? I'm sure that will go well. Don't come crying to me when the Magical Elf Formerly Known As Prince turns you into a urinal cake. You had it coming, Dude.

Besides, if Prince isn't a REAL man do you think he would be able to mustache? Let the man with the most facial hair cast the first stone.