The word epic is thrown around a lot on the interwebz. But I want to set something straight -
Your new shirt is not epic.
Your weekend? Not epic.
Even the dramatic chipmunk lacks a certain level of epicicity.
No, the word epic needs to be saved and used accordingly.
Like when this kid on a local kids show tells Happy the Hobo to poop on his mom (2:00 mark).
Fucking epic.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Pandora's Box Set
Work has been crazy stressful lately.
Not because of the actual work - but because of Pandora.
As an elitist prick - I have to ensure I'm only listening to bands that are underground and that most people haven't heard. When listening to Pandora, every like and dislike is a calculated endeavor - I'm at risk of "selling out" with every thumbs up.
If I go from Collin Herring to Band of Horses to Lucero to the Avett Brothers to Wilco - well, then I've done something right.
But when that same station suddenly veers into DIERKS FUCKING BENTLEY - my entire world spins out of control.
What have I done? What is it about me that made Pandora think I would like bubble-gum pop country? Is it my hair? Is it my jeans? Is it the way I walk or the way I talk? What will my friends say? Is this some kind of gateway drug to listening to Rascal Flatts?
Now that I've been Bentley'd over, I live in constant fear of every song I hear on Pandora. What does it mean if I like this song? Is it too poppy? What does this song say about me as a person?
I feel like Pandora just attacked my character; like this was personal. And I have no way to fight back. Sure, I could just keep disliking everything Pandora plays for me. I could give them the middle finger in the shape of a thumbs down. But we all know they've been holding the secret weapon. All they have to do is press one button and my entire life is over. You see, one thumbs down too many and BAM.
Nickelback.
And that's why I gave that Dierks Bentley song a thumbs up.
Not because of the actual work - but because of Pandora.
As an elitist prick - I have to ensure I'm only listening to bands that are underground and that most people haven't heard. When listening to Pandora, every like and dislike is a calculated endeavor - I'm at risk of "selling out" with every thumbs up.
If I go from Collin Herring to Band of Horses to Lucero to the Avett Brothers to Wilco - well, then I've done something right.
But when that same station suddenly veers into DIERKS FUCKING BENTLEY - my entire world spins out of control.
What have I done? What is it about me that made Pandora think I would like bubble-gum pop country? Is it my hair? Is it my jeans? Is it the way I walk or the way I talk? What will my friends say? Is this some kind of gateway drug to listening to Rascal Flatts?
Now that I've been Bentley'd over, I live in constant fear of every song I hear on Pandora. What does it mean if I like this song? Is it too poppy? What does this song say about me as a person?
I feel like Pandora just attacked my character; like this was personal. And I have no way to fight back. Sure, I could just keep disliking everything Pandora plays for me. I could give them the middle finger in the shape of a thumbs down. But we all know they've been holding the secret weapon. All they have to do is press one button and my entire life is over. You see, one thumbs down too many and BAM.
Nickelback.
And that's why I gave that Dierks Bentley song a thumbs up.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Deep Pockets
IT IS THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!
No, I'm not going topless on here. That is just weird. Why would you even WANT to see that? I look like an albino sasquatch. With a big nose.
No - it is time for the WINNER OF THE YEAR'S SUPPLY OF LEAN POCKETS!
*air guitar*
*leg kick*
*drum solo*
*drum solo*
*drum solo*
Craig! At Craig Goes To Cleveland. takes the cake (or pocket) with this little number:
We will now use these Lean Pockets and this footballfield platter to re-enact the "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". My mouth is the endzone!
This is, of course, a reference to the movie Little Giants - which is full of all kinds of awesome. Especially the line: "Fumblrooski! Fumblrooski!" which my old roommate and I used to say if we were hitting on a girl and either got shot down or said something stupid to ruin our chances. Needless to say, there were a lot of fumblrooskis in my single days.
Anyways - Craig just earned himself a year's supply of Lean Pockets for that dose of nostalgia.
Thanks to everyone who entered - especially Nicki who was the only person who resorted to flattery. Do you people know me at all? Compliments are my currency, people. All you had to do was say something nice about my beard - like it really brought out my abs - and the Lean Pockets were yours! You were so close - all you had to do was seal the deal and you screwed it up! Know what we call that?
A fumblrooski.
Congrats to Craig and thanks to all who participated.
(Full disclosure: Lean Pockets sponsored the Goodness Party and give-away and most of my college years.)
No, I'm not going topless on here. That is just weird. Why would you even WANT to see that? I look like an albino sasquatch. With a big nose.
No - it is time for the WINNER OF THE YEAR'S SUPPLY OF LEAN POCKETS!
*air guitar*
*leg kick*
*drum solo*
*drum solo*
*drum solo*
Craig! At Craig Goes To Cleveland. takes the cake (or pocket) with this little number:
We will now use these Lean Pockets and this footballfield platter to re-enact the "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". My mouth is the endzone!
This is, of course, a reference to the movie Little Giants - which is full of all kinds of awesome. Especially the line: "Fumblrooski! Fumblrooski!" which my old roommate and I used to say if we were hitting on a girl and either got shot down or said something stupid to ruin our chances. Needless to say, there were a lot of fumblrooskis in my single days.
Anyways - Craig just earned himself a year's supply of Lean Pockets for that dose of nostalgia.
Thanks to everyone who entered - especially Nicki who was the only person who resorted to flattery. Do you people know me at all? Compliments are my currency, people. All you had to do was say something nice about my beard - like it really brought out my abs - and the Lean Pockets were yours! You were so close - all you had to do was seal the deal and you screwed it up! Know what we call that?
A fumblrooski.
Congrats to Craig and thanks to all who participated.
(Full disclosure: Lean Pockets sponsored the Goodness Party and give-away and most of my college years.)
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Live, Laugh, Fart
My nephews are at that amazing age where they have discovered poop jokes. Unfortunately, in my family, that is where the maturation process ends. Here is a typical Narmonian life cycle:
Birth ---> Walking ---> Talking ---> Potty Training ---> Poop Jokes ---> Death
So the other night I was home for Christmas and my 3 year old nephew looks up at me, sticks his tongue out and farts.
Which sent me into a fit of laughter that had me rolling on the ground. In fact, I laughed SO hard -
That I farted.
I guess it "runs" in the family.
(Have you entered my contest to win a year's supply of Lean Pockets? Why not? All I'm asking you to do is make fun of me on the internet. I'm starting to feel like this relationship is one sided, Reader. I give and I give and all I get in return is some web traffic and lonely nights spent pecking away at this keyboard. We used to LIVE, ya know? Where's the passion? Why don't you just click that link above and leave a caption and we can try to rekindle this flame.)
Birth ---> Walking ---> Talking ---> Potty Training ---> Poop Jokes ---> Death
So the other night I was home for Christmas and my 3 year old nephew looks up at me, sticks his tongue out and farts.
Which sent me into a fit of laughter that had me rolling on the ground. In fact, I laughed SO hard -
That I farted.
I guess it "runs" in the family.
(Have you entered my contest to win a year's supply of Lean Pockets? Why not? All I'm asking you to do is make fun of me on the internet. I'm starting to feel like this relationship is one sided, Reader. I give and I give and all I get in return is some web traffic and lonely nights spent pecking away at this keyboard. We used to LIVE, ya know? Where's the passion? Why don't you just click that link above and leave a caption and we can try to rekindle this flame.)
Monday, December 13, 2010
Fame and Fortune
My fortune cookie from Friday night -
"You have a friendly heart and are well admired."
When did fortune cookies turn into "fact cookies"?
(If you haven't left a caption in my Year's Supply of Lean Pockets giveaway you may be ugly. I'm not saying it is a sure thing, but I would go here and write something funny just in case. Imagine how smart you'll feel with a fridge full of Lean Pockets when the upcoming zombie apocolypse comes? Everyone else will be ordering pizza and getting eaten by zombie pizza delivery guys but you'll be sitting at home eating delicious Lean Pockets and finally catching up on that season of West Wing you missed.)
"You have a friendly heart and are well admired."
When did fortune cookies turn into "fact cookies"?
(If you haven't left a caption in my Year's Supply of Lean Pockets giveaway you may be ugly. I'm not saying it is a sure thing, but I would go here and write something funny just in case. Imagine how smart you'll feel with a fridge full of Lean Pockets when the upcoming zombie apocolypse comes? Everyone else will be ordering pizza and getting eaten by zombie pizza delivery guys but you'll be sitting at home eating delicious Lean Pockets and finally catching up on that season of West Wing you missed.)
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