Can't Beat It

My wife and I are currently filming 'The Sixth Sense 2' in my household.  And, like most sequels, ours includes lots of guys getting hit in the crotch.

And by 'guys', I mean 'me'.

My wife doesn't have that 'sixth sense' that lets you know when someone is near you.  That or she just flails her limbs more than the average person.

So I am in constant danger of a knee to the crotch or an elbow to the face.  She headbutts me on a weekly basis.  HEADBUTTS!  Our household is like a looped episode of America's Funniest Home Videos

She tried to convince me that it is my fault for having a giant nose.  Her explanation was that my giant shnoz occupies such a large percentage of the available real estate in any given room, it is somewhat remarkable she is able to avoid punching me directly in the face as often as she does. 

But I don't appreciate her attempts at sarcasm.

Because domestic abuse is not a joking matter.

Unless it is guys getting hit in the crotch.

That's always funny.

Block'N'Roll

So...hey.

I...I meant to call.  Or text.  Or write.

God, how I meant to write.

Unfortunately, I got a case of Jenny from the Writer's Block and it's crushing the organ that makes my imagination work.  If it makes you feel any better, instead of blogging, I've been staring at this little flashing cursor waiting for my fingers to make some magic.  But, nothing.  I've been unable to finger my blog.

Writer's block is a funny thing.  I've had plenty of ideas for posts - but then nothing happens.  It's like coming up with the first half of a really great analogy, but then...stuff?


What have all of you been doing to fill the void left in your lives as The 'Neck has been on hiatus?  Did you drink too much whiskey and get teary-eyed watching Friday Night Lights?  No.  Er.  Me either, then.

No, I've more or less been doing what I always do - balancing a steady diet of devastating good looks and rock-solid punctuality.

Maybe that is my problem.  Maybe my punctuality has been holding me back.  They say good things come to those that wait.  Maybe I need to just make people wait on me for once - then something good will happen.

Then again, I made you wait four weeks for this blog post.

And this is all you have to show for it.

So maybe I'll go back to being on time - instead of wasting yours.

The 'Neck is back.  And ready to be Read.

Almost Famous

So last week I mentioned I was part of Cleveland Magazine's Blogger Bracket and asked all of you, dear Readers, to vote for me.

Well I lost.

And I can't help but think this has to be hard on you.

You see, I'm awesome.  That is pretty well established.  My feats of awesometude are well documented, my reputation for cool set in stone.

I've got nothing to worry about.

But you, dear Reader, you have failed on the largest of stages.

I'm not mad.  I want you to know that.

I'm just disappointed.

But I also understand this is harder on you than it is for me.  It isn't easy to put SO MUCH hope and dreams behind one thing and then have it yanked out from under you like so many amateur magicians' tablecloths.

Yes, you must be taking this pretty hard.  And let me tell you something - Big Narm is here to be your shoulder to cry on.  I understand what you're going through.  How it feels.  Let's talk it out.

From one loser to another.  

No Shame in Fame

This is a White Collar Redneck exclusive:

Celebrities poop.

It's true.

They stub their toes.

They get deodorant on their shirt.

You know when you pass someone in the hall and they say, "Hey, what's up?" and you accidentally answer, "Good, how are you?"  Celebrities do that, too.

Because they're human.  And they're idiots, just like the rest of us.

Remember when Jenny McCarthy was on Singled Out, wearing low-cut shirts and picking her nose?  That was, in fact, not medical school.  She is not qualified to tell you if you should give your kid a vaccine.

Kim Kardashian is literally only famous for making a sex tape.  Now she endorses products.  People think to themselves, "I wish I could be just like her!" As if she has reached some level that is above that of someone with an iPhone and a Youtube account.  She had the exact same path to success as Keyboard Cat.

Why does this bother me so much?

BECAUSE I WANT IN!  Hook a brother up - I've been cranking out fart jokes for over four years yet Kate Gosselin gets to be famous.  

So here is my shameless plug - please take a moment to go here and vote for White Collar Redneck in Cleveland Magazine's Blogger Bracket.  The bracket continues every Monday so if you could throw a vote out for myself and my good friends over at the Cleveland Movie Blog, I'll throw in another fart joke at no cost.

Also, I've been cheating on you with some sweet NBA ass over at I GO HARD NOW.  Click here to check us out and here specifically for my NBA themed fart jokes..

Taylor Swift Kick In The Ass