I'm counting down the 30 things I need to have and do before I turn 30 this Sunday, the 30th.
I gave myself 66 days to complete a list of 30 things - and with 5 days to go I have 11 items left on the list. This isn't a good start to the rest of my life.
Things I should have:
Always enough toilet paper.
Sheets that don't scratch.
A nightstand that doesn't say "Handle with care" on the side.
A smile he uses generously.
At least one lamp that didn't once belong in a dorm room.
Almost this entire portion of the list is about shedding off the cheap items of my youth for more permanent, adult options.
I always have enough toilet paper - and I buy the good stuff so that those sheets don't scratch. I have nightstands and lamps that aren't from Ikea - and I use my smile generously because the nightstands and lamps cost so much I can't be generous with my money.
This part of the list was about me growing up, putting down some roots and looking towards the future. Well if that's all it took to turn 30, I've been 30 for a few years now. I became a lame old guy in my mid-20s. I'm a trendsetter.
Things I should do:
Stayed up all night to watch the sunrise.
Started your own business.
Said, "I love you" and mean it.
Taken a punt on a long shot.
Sung in public.
If the 'have' list was about growing up, the 'dos' are about going all in. Take a chance - take a risk. Go for it. Shoot for the moon - if you miss you'll still land among the stars.
It's starting to sound like a sorority girl's AIM away message from 2004.
I've stayed up all night to watch the sunrise. I've said "I love you" and meant it. I've taken the long shot (and lost.) I've sang in public. I've done all that.
And that's why my hair is falling out and I can't drink two beers without a hangover now.
Age has certainly been giving me the business lately - but I guess I started it.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
30 for 30 on the 30th Parts 18 & 19
Last week of my 20s, you guys. Sweatin' over here.
Time for the home stretch of my list of 30 things I should have and do before I turn 30 on June 30th.
Things I should have: Jumper cables / A driver's license
Again, Mr. List, this is an odd order to do things. But I'll play along...
I failed my driver's test on my first attempt. I had been driving farm machinery for years and was a good driver. But I took a Ford Explorer with tinted windows to do the parallel parking section and got more cockeyed than...well there's no where to take that joke that remains PG-13 so I'm just gonna let it sit there.
Things I should do: Be a rock god / Eat something truly weird
I was in a rock band in high school. Our name was Shatt. I played the drums (poorly) and we also had a guitarist, bassist and singer - who all did their jobs poorly as well. I was the worst musician, but much better than everyone else at having a basement for practice sessions, so I got to be in the band. We were awful. But when you are from a town of 6,000 people, the number of rock bands is fairly minimal, meaning just by virtue of being IN a band, I was in one of the three best bands in town. Rock God!
As for eating something weird - I order chicken livers all the time. They're delicious. And it drives my vegetarian wife crazy. But at least she doesn't have to parallel park.
Time for the home stretch of my list of 30 things I should have and do before I turn 30 on June 30th.
Things I should have: Jumper cables / A driver's license
Again, Mr. List, this is an odd order to do things. But I'll play along...
I failed my driver's test on my first attempt. I had been driving farm machinery for years and was a good driver. But I took a Ford Explorer with tinted windows to do the parallel parking section and got more cockeyed than...well there's no where to take that joke that remains PG-13 so I'm just gonna let it sit there.
Things I should do: Be a rock god / Eat something truly weird
I was in a rock band in high school. Our name was Shatt. I played the drums (poorly) and we also had a guitarist, bassist and singer - who all did their jobs poorly as well. I was the worst musician, but much better than everyone else at having a basement for practice sessions, so I got to be in the band. We were awful. But when you are from a town of 6,000 people, the number of rock bands is fairly minimal, meaning just by virtue of being IN a band, I was in one of the three best bands in town. Rock God!
As for eating something weird - I order chicken livers all the time. They're delicious. And it drives my vegetarian wife crazy. But at least she doesn't have to parallel park.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
30 for 30 on the 30th Parts 12-17
I'm running out of ways to tell you I'm doing a countdown of the 30 things I should have / do before I turn 30 on June 30th. So I'm just going to tell you that I'm doing a countdown of the 30 things I should have / do before I turn 30 on June 30th.
Consistent with most of my life - I've procrastinated and now need to crank out 19 of these things in the next week and a half. So let's do rapid fire!
Things I should have:
A favorite cookbook. My wife is 100% Italian - I'm eating homeade sauce and meatballs every night. My favorite cookbook is getting used as a placemat. #Humblebrag #BlogHashtagsDontMakeSense
A decent set of pots and pans. And just clap your hands and just clap your hands. Where it's at.
An emergency kit in the trunk of his car. I drive a truck, like a damn man. I ain't got no trunk. Put that on your list and smoke it.
A hobby that does not include a television set or a 6-pack of beer. All that leaves are crappy hobbies. Why do I need a boring hobby to turn 30 when I have a bunch of awesome ones that involve TVs and beers?
A trusted barber or hair stylist. I don't have enough hair left to screw it up. Maybe you should think about your target demographic when making this list, jerks.
A pair of jeans that makes his butt look good. My butt always looks good. I don't need jeans to make it look good - jeans need my butt to make them look good.
Things I should do:
Lived in another country. I grew up in a town of 6,000 people that was an hour and a half from the nearest big city. And that city was Toledo. TOLEDO, PEOPLE. I'd argue the difference in my hometown to my current one are about as large as that to any foreign country.
Throw a memorable party. When I was 16 I had a bunch of buddies out to my property and got busted for underage consumption. My criminal record sure remembers.
Empty your pockets for a worthy cause. I don't think any worthy cause wants a dirty handkerchief, two nickels, and a gum wrapper.
Camp out under the stars for a week. Done it. Though this part sounds much better than the "wake up with no where to poop" part.
Bid at an auction. I didn't BID on an auction but we auctioned off some farm land once. It's a lot scarier being on the other side of the bidding process. The "please someone raise their hand, oh god why is no one raising their hand, oh sweet lord what just happened" side.
Overcome a fear. My only real fears are spiders and confrontation. And getting old. Maybe I can extend this list to 40 things...50? PLEASE?
Consistent with most of my life - I've procrastinated and now need to crank out 19 of these things in the next week and a half. So let's do rapid fire!
Things I should have:
A favorite cookbook. My wife is 100% Italian - I'm eating homeade sauce and meatballs every night. My favorite cookbook is getting used as a placemat. #Humblebrag #BlogHashtagsDontMakeSense
A decent set of pots and pans. And just clap your hands and just clap your hands. Where it's at.
An emergency kit in the trunk of his car. I drive a truck, like a damn man. I ain't got no trunk. Put that on your list and smoke it.
A hobby that does not include a television set or a 6-pack of beer. All that leaves are crappy hobbies. Why do I need a boring hobby to turn 30 when I have a bunch of awesome ones that involve TVs and beers?
A trusted barber or hair stylist. I don't have enough hair left to screw it up. Maybe you should think about your target demographic when making this list, jerks.
A pair of jeans that makes his butt look good. My butt always looks good. I don't need jeans to make it look good - jeans need my butt to make them look good.
Things I should do:
Lived in another country. I grew up in a town of 6,000 people that was an hour and a half from the nearest big city. And that city was Toledo. TOLEDO, PEOPLE. I'd argue the difference in my hometown to my current one are about as large as that to any foreign country.
Throw a memorable party. When I was 16 I had a bunch of buddies out to my property and got busted for underage consumption. My criminal record sure remembers.
Empty your pockets for a worthy cause. I don't think any worthy cause wants a dirty handkerchief, two nickels, and a gum wrapper.
Camp out under the stars for a week. Done it. Though this part sounds much better than the "wake up with no where to poop" part.
Bid at an auction. I didn't BID on an auction but we auctioned off some farm land once. It's a lot scarier being on the other side of the bidding process. The "please someone raise their hand, oh god why is no one raising their hand, oh sweet lord what just happened" side.
Overcome a fear. My only real fears are spiders and confrontation. And getting old. Maybe I can extend this list to 40 things...50? PLEASE?
Monday, June 17, 2013
30 for 30 on the 30th Parts 10 & 11
Here we go again - I'm counting down 30 things I should have/do before I turn 30 on June 30th. We're getting dangerously close to the 30th and I still have 20 more of these to write - so let's double our pleasure.
Things I should have: The ability to ask for directions / A great road map when there's no one to ask
Was this list written in 1862? Do they think I have to find Pocahontas every time I need to find the grocery store? I have an iPhone. I ask Siri for directions and carry Google Maps around in my pocket. It's a great map because after I find directions I can listen to the Spin Doctors.
Things I should do: Make love in open water / Build a fence
Wait, what?
Who wrote this list that they had those two consecutive thoughts? "Alright. Top things to do before turning 30. Well, doing it in water HAS to be in the top ten, for obvious reasons. And...ya know it's not quite top ten, but you gotta build a fence. That's real important. Fence building. Can't turn 30 without that."
And the weirdest part is that you have to do these in this order. If you build a fence in the water and then 'make love' in the water, you're no longer in the 'open water.' And after making love, it'd be pretty awkward to be like, "Alright, wanna help me throw this fence up real quick?"
The best is the description: "Under a waterfall or on a sun drenched beach, it’s every woman’s dream and every guys duty."
Having sand in my ass crack is never and will never be a 'dream.' Especially when you then talk about my doodie.
Things I should have: The ability to ask for directions / A great road map when there's no one to ask
Was this list written in 1862? Do they think I have to find Pocahontas every time I need to find the grocery store? I have an iPhone. I ask Siri for directions and carry Google Maps around in my pocket. It's a great map because after I find directions I can listen to the Spin Doctors.
Things I should do: Make love in open water / Build a fence
Wait, what?
Who wrote this list that they had those two consecutive thoughts? "Alright. Top things to do before turning 30. Well, doing it in water HAS to be in the top ten, for obvious reasons. And...ya know it's not quite top ten, but you gotta build a fence. That's real important. Fence building. Can't turn 30 without that."
And the weirdest part is that you have to do these in this order. If you build a fence in the water and then 'make love' in the water, you're no longer in the 'open water.' And after making love, it'd be pretty awkward to be like, "Alright, wanna help me throw this fence up real quick?"
The best is the description: "Under a waterfall or on a sun drenched beach, it’s every woman’s dream and every guys duty."
Having sand in my ass crack is never and will never be a 'dream.' Especially when you then talk about my doodie.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
30 for 30 on the 30th Parts 8 & 9
I'm turning 30 on the 30th, and to celebrate I'm going down a list of 30 things I should have or do before the big day. Though this being parts 8 & 9, I'm guessing you are well aware of these points. You'll have to excuse me, old age does funny things to a memory.
Things I should have: Enough clean underwear to last a week / Independence from his mama
As much as I promote the idea of dissolving the traditional gender roles in households, my wife and I fit them to a tee. She makes dinner, I mow the lawn. She sweeps the floors, I fix the light switch. She does the laundry goes to the grocery makes the baby's food calls the doctor pays the bills balances the check book buys my clothes and manages our schedule, I take out the trash. Sometimes. And complain about it the entire time when I do.
So I have clean underwear for a week, and independence from my mama. But only because I rely on a different mama now.
Things I should do: High dive into water / Catch, kill and cook your own dinner
More "MAN!" stuff on the list. I grew up in the country - of course I've caught, killed and cooked my own dinner. Of course, I didn't jump off a high dive to catch it. So subtract a few points there.
As for the high dive thing. I'm not much of a thrill seeker. I'm sure jumping out of planes is super fun and everything, but so is a record player and a glass of whiskey. I'm just in the "being terrified is fun" group.
Besides, jumping out of a plane would probably kill that whole, "clean underwear for a week" thing.
Things I should have: Enough clean underwear to last a week / Independence from his mama
As much as I promote the idea of dissolving the traditional gender roles in households, my wife and I fit them to a tee. She makes dinner, I mow the lawn. She sweeps the floors, I fix the light switch. She does the laundry goes to the grocery makes the baby's food calls the doctor pays the bills balances the check book buys my clothes and manages our schedule, I take out the trash. Sometimes. And complain about it the entire time when I do.
So I have clean underwear for a week, and independence from my mama. But only because I rely on a different mama now.
Things I should do: High dive into water / Catch, kill and cook your own dinner
More "MAN!" stuff on the list. I grew up in the country - of course I've caught, killed and cooked my own dinner. Of course, I didn't jump off a high dive to catch it. So subtract a few points there.
As for the high dive thing. I'm not much of a thrill seeker. I'm sure jumping out of planes is super fun and everything, but so is a record player and a glass of whiskey. I'm just in the "being terrified is fun" group.
Besides, jumping out of a plane would probably kill that whole, "clean underwear for a week" thing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)