This Week In Awesome

I took off work last Friday to spend the day getting probed and poked and prodded and other p words (not including penetrated...gross). My plan was to hit the dentist, chiropractor, doctor, optometrist and that masseuse down the street that offers "Happy Endings." I'm kidding - she's closed on Fridays.

Me being the opposite of responsible (fun?) I waited until 3pm on Thursday to try to make all of the appointments. The receptionist at the doctor's office actually laughed at me when I asked if I could get an appointment for the next day. I didn't realize the doctor's office was like a trendy night club and I needed to call my cute girl friends to sneak me in. Now I know - and knowing is half the battle.

So I end up only getting appointments for the optometrist and chiropractor.

First is the eye doctor - who gives me the normal "Read the smallest line" jargon which I, obviously, dominate because I rule. At the end he says, "Let me put these drops in your eyes for the last test."

Seems normal. Eye drops. Optometrist. Lets do this.

Wrong.

Now my pupils are dilated and I am 30 minutes from home. Perfect. The last thing he says to me? "Be careful - your eyes will be sensitive to sunlight!" HA! I'm a man. Doesn't he know this? One time I fell playing softball and scraped my knee. Did I stop playing? Hell no! After I stopped crying I played the entire rest of the game. Because I am a man.

So I walk outdoors and suddenly realize how insensitive I've been to Dracula's fear of the sun all these years. That poor, poor man. I would rather watch an entire episode of "Tila Tequila" than ever have to be in the sun with dilated pupils again.

That is a lie.

The only thing I can make out in my haze is the Burger King sign down the street - what better time to eat fast food than when you can't actually see it? Supersize me! So I go through the drive through and order myself a Whopper combo. Obviously I hadn't planned ahead because I have no way of reading the amount on the dollar bills in my wallet. I know I need to give the woman $5 - and not trusting the merits of a Burger King employee, don't want to just hand her my entire stash. I hand her a single bill and wait for a response. Like so many girls I've spoken to in the past - she gave me a dirty look and repeats, "$5 please". Whoops. I throw a few more bills at her and take my change - no idea what it was and go on my way.

As I pull out I reach in the bag to get some french fries and pull out half fries / half onion rings. SCORE. How is this not on the menu? I think every stoner in the world would migrate to BK and demand more french fry / onion ring combo boxes. Get fatter faster AND more efficiently. The American Dream!

Not being able to see I have to call a friend and have her direct me, by landmark, to my chiropractor. Luckily she had creepy knowledge of every BP in Cleveland and got me there in time.

I have never had x-rays of my old-man back taken so the chiropractor decided to get a few to see if someone had actually reached in and tied every one of my muscles in a knot like I had told him.

So after everything is done he calls me in to look at the x-rays and starts explaining

Doc: Your curvature looks ok - need to straighten this up a little. Your hip is pulled out a little but nothing we can't fix. Then there's....this.

Me: What's that?

Doc: Well...you are supposed to have five vertebrae (he then counts five, stopping before the last one)

Me: So whats that (pointing at the uncounted vertebrae)

Doc: Well...it isn't exactly a vertebrae - see how it is attached to your hip here?

Me: So it is my hip bone?

Doc: Not exactly.

Me: So it is an extra vertebrae?

Doc: Kinda, it didn't fuse into a full vertebrae but it isn't your hip bone.

Me: So I'm a mutant?

Doc: Not exactly.

MY DOCTOR DID NOT DENY THAT I WAS A MUTANT. "Not exactly" implies YES but in medical terms I am too lazy to explain to you.

So I leave the chiropractor to re-enter the world as a giant dilated pupil'd mutant.

But at least I have french fry / onion ring breath.