It's NBA playoff time - which means that my entire life comes to a halt and every night is spent in front of the TV. It is very similar to the NFL season, baseball season, Deadliest Catch marathons, any John Candy movie and any time I am within 10 miles of a TV watching Planet Earth in high definition.
So here is my list of priorities until the playoffs are over -
1 - Watching the Cavs
2 - Telling people my apartment is "Where Amazing Happens"
3 - Flip-flopping on all opinions to match what is currently happening
4 - Talking about how much I hate the Celtics even though they are out of the playoffs
5 - Trying to convince the Lady Friend that my wearing pants during the Cavs game is bad luck and that I am very superstitious. Also getting my own beer from the fridge is bad luck. And could you open that while you are up? Thanks.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Wake Me Up Before You Go Go
Apparently my co-workers wanted to help me plan my next vacation.
Is it really necessary for the author to have gotten his Ph. D for this book?
Is it really necessary for the author to have gotten his Ph. D for this book?
Monday, May 18, 2009
Running
I attended a marathon on Sunday.
If you've never been to a marathon - imagine a bunch of people running and...ok that's really it.
I just can't figure out the sport of running. I could train everyday for the rest of my life - mile after mile - and never, ever win a race. Ever.
Most people who run will never win a race.
In other words, you are spending all of your time training to lose.
Listen, I have a lot of confidence, what with my chiseled abs and punctuality, but I don't need to set myself up to fail like that.
Plus - I get road rage when someone passes me on the highway. If someone were to pass me while running I don't know what the equivalent of brake checking and honking the horn would be. I assume farting and blowing a whistle. Ahhh that reminds me of grade school.
Even worse than watching people running? Cheering for people running. Running is the ultimate "everyone gets a trophy sport." I think marathons should be full contact. Shoulders and elbows - maybe even tying fishing line across the street to trip people - let's make this interesting.
A guy at the race on Sunday had a "Go Running!" sign. That is ridiculous. Imagine if I had a "Go Football!" sign. Unless he was trying to tell me that I needed to go running - then all I have to say is that maybe my eating habits haven't been great and I can't fit into my skinny jeans but a girl's gotta enjoy life damnit!
What I'm trying to say is that I don't care how out of shape I am or how lazy I have become - I'm not going to break a promise I made to myself a long time ago:
Never run away from your problems.
If you've never been to a marathon - imagine a bunch of people running and...ok that's really it.
I just can't figure out the sport of running. I could train everyday for the rest of my life - mile after mile - and never, ever win a race. Ever.
Most people who run will never win a race.
In other words, you are spending all of your time training to lose.
Listen, I have a lot of confidence, what with my chiseled abs and punctuality, but I don't need to set myself up to fail like that.
Plus - I get road rage when someone passes me on the highway. If someone were to pass me while running I don't know what the equivalent of brake checking and honking the horn would be. I assume farting and blowing a whistle. Ahhh that reminds me of grade school.
Even worse than watching people running? Cheering for people running. Running is the ultimate "everyone gets a trophy sport." I think marathons should be full contact. Shoulders and elbows - maybe even tying fishing line across the street to trip people - let's make this interesting.
A guy at the race on Sunday had a "Go Running!" sign. That is ridiculous. Imagine if I had a "Go Football!" sign. Unless he was trying to tell me that I needed to go running - then all I have to say is that maybe my eating habits haven't been great and I can't fit into my skinny jeans but a girl's gotta enjoy life damnit!
What I'm trying to say is that I don't care how out of shape I am or how lazy I have become - I'm not going to break a promise I made to myself a long time ago:
Never run away from your problems.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Hollywood Squares
It has to be hard to date in Hollywood
You meet a cute girl at a party and you hit it off. If you're lucky maybe your agent gets her agent's phone number and you tell her you want to see her again soon.
Next day the headlines read - "NEW HOT HOLLYWOOD COUPLE SEEN GETTING PERSONAL"
So then you feel kinda nervous - are you a couple? You definitely didn't say you were a couple - does she think you are a couple? Where's your class ring? Is she seeing other people?
So your agents set up a date and you meet at a super trendy downtown club owned by some celebrity.
Next day the headlines read - "NEW HOLLYWOOD SUPER COUPLE SPENDS WILD NIGHT DOWNTOWN"
Personal testimonials say that you were "All over each other" and "Were making out".
You may have given her a peck on the cheek but you weren't "making out". Wow did she think that was making out? Were you too forward? She didn't pull away! What if she thinks you are a creep, now?
So you back off. But you really did have a good time, so you think maybe you should give it another shot. So you set up another date at some overrated restaurant.
This time things go horribly. There is no chemistry, she hasn't gotten a single one of your Seinfeld quotes, she's never seen Lord of the Rings and she listens to Limp Bizkit. You try to be polite but things are obviously not going well. You get the check and go your separate ways.
Next day the headlines read - "BLOWOUT AT LOCAL RESTAURANT - STARLET STORMS OUT ON HOLLYWOOD BEAU"
What is a beau? And she didn't really "storm out", it was raining and she jogged to her car so she wouldn't get wet. You would have walked out with her but you left your wallet on the table and GOD is it a pain to get all of those cards canceled. Plus you know your ID would end up on eBay and the last thing you need is some 15 yr old kid in Kansas trying to buy beer with your ID.
So things fizzle out and you move on. No big deal. You call up some of your buddies the next week and go out on the town. You heard she met some other Hollywood hotshot and don't really care - good luck with the Fred Durst fan, weirdo.
Next day the headlines read - "HOLLYWOOD SHOCKER! MEGA STAR LEAVES B-LIST BOYFRIEND FOR NEW UP AND COMER. DRUNK AND BROKEN HEARTED BOYFRIEND SEEN BEING CONSOLED BY FRIENDS"
B-List? Ouch, newspapers. And you weren't "being consoled" - your buddy stopped you from hitting on a fatty so you gave him a hug and told him you loved him. SURE you were 10-deep in Crown and Cokes at that point, but if a guy can't get drunk and awkwardly tell his buddy he loves him than what has America become? And did they just use the word boyfriend? You never used the word boyfriend! Did she say you were her boyfriend?
She better give your class ring back.
You meet a cute girl at a party and you hit it off. If you're lucky maybe your agent gets her agent's phone number and you tell her you want to see her again soon.
Next day the headlines read - "NEW HOT HOLLYWOOD COUPLE SEEN GETTING PERSONAL"
So then you feel kinda nervous - are you a couple? You definitely didn't say you were a couple - does she think you are a couple? Where's your class ring? Is she seeing other people?
So your agents set up a date and you meet at a super trendy downtown club owned by some celebrity.
Next day the headlines read - "NEW HOLLYWOOD SUPER COUPLE SPENDS WILD NIGHT DOWNTOWN"
Personal testimonials say that you were "All over each other" and "Were making out".
You may have given her a peck on the cheek but you weren't "making out". Wow did she think that was making out? Were you too forward? She didn't pull away! What if she thinks you are a creep, now?
So you back off. But you really did have a good time, so you think maybe you should give it another shot. So you set up another date at some overrated restaurant.
This time things go horribly. There is no chemistry, she hasn't gotten a single one of your Seinfeld quotes, she's never seen Lord of the Rings and she listens to Limp Bizkit. You try to be polite but things are obviously not going well. You get the check and go your separate ways.
Next day the headlines read - "BLOWOUT AT LOCAL RESTAURANT - STARLET STORMS OUT ON HOLLYWOOD BEAU"
What is a beau? And she didn't really "storm out", it was raining and she jogged to her car so she wouldn't get wet. You would have walked out with her but you left your wallet on the table and GOD is it a pain to get all of those cards canceled. Plus you know your ID would end up on eBay and the last thing you need is some 15 yr old kid in Kansas trying to buy beer with your ID.
So things fizzle out and you move on. No big deal. You call up some of your buddies the next week and go out on the town. You heard she met some other Hollywood hotshot and don't really care - good luck with the Fred Durst fan, weirdo.
Next day the headlines read - "HOLLYWOOD SHOCKER! MEGA STAR LEAVES B-LIST BOYFRIEND FOR NEW UP AND COMER. DRUNK AND BROKEN HEARTED BOYFRIEND SEEN BEING CONSOLED BY FRIENDS"
B-List? Ouch, newspapers. And you weren't "being consoled" - your buddy stopped you from hitting on a fatty so you gave him a hug and told him you loved him. SURE you were 10-deep in Crown and Cokes at that point, but if a guy can't get drunk and awkwardly tell his buddy he loves him than what has America become? And did they just use the word boyfriend? You never used the word boyfriend! Did she say you were her boyfriend?
She better give your class ring back.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
WyW - Star Trek Edition
Get our of your Mom's basement and boldly go where no man has gone before - it's time for Would Ya Wednesday - Star Trek Edition.
I've never actually seen more than 2-3 episodes of the show but how could I resist putting Bill Shatner up as a choice? Wikipedia should do the rest.
Let's beam up our contestants -
First - William Shatner. Not the Priceline Negotiator of today, but the badass space captain of the 1960's. If I were a girl and having The Sex with Billy Shatner, I would find it hard not to do impressions of him in the middle of the act. The thing is - I bet he is kind of into it. Finding a picture to post of him was like trying to wade through a sea of Swedish bikini models and pick one - how do make a decision when you are drowning in a sea of perfection?
Second - The only girl on the ship. I don't know her name, or her name on the show. I am sure someone will come on here and tell me and then I will forget before I even get done reading the words. "What was it again? Nichelle Ni-I'm hungry. Is anyone else hungry? I could for some wings, or fries!!! Who wants fries?"
For those of you new to Would Ya Wednesday and it's awesome acronym, here are the rules: I post two pictures and you tell me if you would get busy with their Deep Space 9. Or in my case, Deep Space 9 1/2.
Warp Speed!
William Shatner
Nichelle Nichols
I've never actually seen more than 2-3 episodes of the show but how could I resist putting Bill Shatner up as a choice? Wikipedia should do the rest.
Let's beam up our contestants -
First - William Shatner. Not the Priceline Negotiator of today, but the badass space captain of the 1960's. If I were a girl and having The Sex with Billy Shatner, I would find it hard not to do impressions of him in the middle of the act. The thing is - I bet he is kind of into it. Finding a picture to post of him was like trying to wade through a sea of Swedish bikini models and pick one - how do make a decision when you are drowning in a sea of perfection?
Second - The only girl on the ship. I don't know her name, or her name on the show. I am sure someone will come on here and tell me and then I will forget before I even get done reading the words. "What was it again? Nichelle Ni-I'm hungry. Is anyone else hungry? I could for some wings, or fries!!! Who wants fries?"
For those of you new to Would Ya Wednesday and it's awesome acronym, here are the rules: I post two pictures and you tell me if you would get busy with their Deep Space 9. Or in my case, Deep Space 9 1/2.
Warp Speed!
William Shatner
Nichelle Nichols
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