Hollywood Squares

It has to be hard to date in Hollywood

You meet a cute girl at a party and you hit it off. If you're lucky maybe your agent gets her agent's phone number and you tell her you want to see her again soon.

Next day the headlines read - "NEW HOT HOLLYWOOD COUPLE SEEN GETTING PERSONAL"

So then you feel kinda nervous - are you a couple? You definitely didn't say you were a couple - does she think you are a couple? Where's your class ring? Is she seeing other people?

So your agents set up a date and you meet at a super trendy downtown club owned by some celebrity.

Next day the headlines read - "NEW HOLLYWOOD SUPER COUPLE SPENDS WILD NIGHT DOWNTOWN"

Personal testimonials say that you were "All over each other" and "Were making out".

You may have given her a peck on the cheek but you weren't "making out". Wow did she think that was making out? Were you too forward? She didn't pull away! What if she thinks you are a creep, now?

So you back off. But you really did have a good time, so you think maybe you should give it another shot. So you set up another date at some overrated restaurant.

This time things go horribly. There is no chemistry, she hasn't gotten a single one of your Seinfeld quotes, she's never seen Lord of the Rings and she listens to Limp Bizkit. You try to be polite but things are obviously not going well. You get the check and go your separate ways.

Next day the headlines read - "BLOWOUT AT LOCAL RESTAURANT - STARLET STORMS OUT ON HOLLYWOOD BEAU"

What is a beau? And she didn't really "storm out", it was raining and she jogged to her car so she wouldn't get wet. You would have walked out with her but you left your wallet on the table and GOD is it a pain to get all of those cards canceled. Plus you know your ID would end up on eBay and the last thing you need is some 15 yr old kid in Kansas trying to buy beer with your ID.

So things fizzle out and you move on. No big deal. You call up some of your buddies the next week and go out on the town. You heard she met some other Hollywood hotshot and don't really care - good luck with the Fred Durst fan, weirdo.

Next day the headlines read - "HOLLYWOOD SHOCKER! MEGA STAR LEAVES B-LIST BOYFRIEND FOR NEW UP AND COMER. DRUNK AND BROKEN HEARTED BOYFRIEND SEEN BEING CONSOLED BY FRIENDS"

B-List? Ouch, newspapers. And you weren't "being consoled" - your buddy stopped you from hitting on a fatty so you gave him a hug and told him you loved him. SURE you were 10-deep in Crown and Cokes at that point, but if a guy can't get drunk and awkwardly tell his buddy he loves him than what has America become? And did they just use the word boyfriend? You never used the word boyfriend! Did she say you were her boyfriend?

She better give your class ring back.