Detox is for Quitters

I've made a mistake.

Somehow I was convinced to take part in a 3-day fruit detox with some friends of mine at work.

The rules?

All fruit. All day. Nothing else.

No caffeine.

No sugar.

No meat.

I'm still waiting on a ruling on porn.

Ashley over at Encounters of the Human Kind tells me it won't be that bad. The Lady Friend is a vegetarian so pretty much calls this little adventure "life" - in other words - I'm getting no sympathy.

I'll be updating this post through the next day or two on my progress.

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DAY 1 -

Breakfast - I made a mistake and bought all of my fruit on Saturday so half of it is too ripe to eat. To drive this point home the pear I just had for breakfast was the consistency of snot. Now if only it TASTED like snot. I wonder if boogers are illegal on this diet? I would argue they are nose fruit.

Is it possible to eat a banana and not feel dirty? I was taking a bite and a coworker walked by and I know he was judging me. Maybe I'll leave the peel outside of his office and watch him comically slip and fall on it. Does worker's comp cover "banana incidents"?

Mid-Morning - It isn't even lunch of the first day and I have more regret than Tom Arnold when he woke up from that drunken bender married to Rosanne Barr. No caffeine? Who thinks that is a good idea? And someone left a whole VAT of brownies out on the kitchen counter this morning just to tease me. They could give me a wedgie and steal my lunch money and it would be less degrading than walking past their chocolaty goodness and not being able to grab a piece.

I need coffee.

#1 Benefit of fruit detox - no chance of getting scurvy. Suck it, pirates.

Lunch - I cheated a little and had fresh greens instead of fruit. I'm a rebel and can't be expected to follow society's "rules". I'm too busy driving motorcycles and using hairgel and whatever else rebels do. Probably spitting.

A lot of people are asking why the hell I am doing this. Other than the obvious fact that it is something to break up the monotony of my week and to blog about - the fruit detox is supposed to help clean our your system and help control your cravings. For instance, when I am on the couch watching a fourth consecutive episode of Scrubs - my body won't try to confuse boredom with hunger and make me throw down a bag of Doritos like Popeye eating spinach. So I am doing it for half entertainment and half health. And I want to look good naked.

3:00 - I've never wanted a burger or spaghetti or a candybar full of carbs more in my life. I'm not in any way hungry - I just want something horrible for me. It's like hitting on a fat girl because she is the only girl at the bar. Except a burger would be way more satisfying than a fat chick - but the sex vs food is an argument for another day.
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DAY 2 -

Breakfast - Grapes. I'm not even hungry anymore. My body is rejecting how boring my meals are and deciding to just not eat. It's like seeing a penny on the ground - sure you could use some money but it really isn't worth bending over to pick it up. Unless there is some smoking hot girl across the street and you just got finished doing buns of steel - then, by all means, go for it!

Lunch - If someone handed me a Chipotle burrito right now I would make out with them. No questions asked. I would ram my tongue down their throat like Kim Karashian trying to fit in a size 2 dress. I just want something fatty (first time I've ever said that sober and not at a bar).

2:00 - I actually feel great. Like really great. No headache. No coma from eating horrible food. Just...good. But I'd still cut a man for a burrito.