Office Party

Know what would be the best part of being a professional athlete?

All the chicks.

But the second best part is that every single year has a goal and a form of measurement. Athletes know where they stand at all times.

If you ask an athlete if they had a good year last year, they can provide statistical evidence that they had a good year. That has to be convenient. Imagine how much nicer it would be for them when they awkwardly meet co-workers at the copy machine.

"Hey man, how's it going?"

"We won and I had a good game."

That has to feel amazing. I can't quantify the fact that I had breakfast for dinner and then pulled weeds for two hours last night. It just doesn't translate. Even if I try to come off sounding like a winner, it makes me that much more of a loser.

It also has to be great for remembering big events. I honestly have no idea when I bought my house. It was between 1994-2015. But for athletes, they have automatic reminders for each year. It is much easier to say, "Oh, I remember that, it was right after we won the championship" than it is to say, "Oh, I remember that, I had just sat in an office for 40 hours that week."

But best of all, athletes have singular moments of joy and celebration. In the real world, there is no comparison. Even a promotion isn't necessarily a singular moment of joy - it is the realization that you are now going to have to work even harder.

I think offices should institute some kind of celebration. Like, the Friday before a long weekend, at 4:30 everyone just goes nuts. Poppin' champagne, droppin' confetti, bangin' the secretary. The whole nine yards.

At least then we'd have something to talk about around the copier.