I'm swamped this morning and still celebrating the Cavs victory so all I've got is a few Cavs related videos that are amazing -
Ok maybe that last one wasn't about the Cavs - but you'll be singing it the rest of the day now.
And for that you are welcome.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Will Ferrel is the Patron Saint of Awkward Situations
What did guys do before sports?
When a caveman's girlfriend took him over to Mrs. Oohhmaakoooga's cave for "couple's night" and the two girl cavemen (cavewomen doesn't sound right) start talking about the latest in pterodactyl fashion pieces - what the hell did the two cavemen talk about? They couldn't argue how homecourt advantage was going to help their team breeze through the playoffs or how the 3-4 defense is making a comeback. All they had to talk about was how much they missed being single and how they used to club women over the head and drag them to their cave all the time. Now they're lucky if they get to go woolly mammoth hunting twice a year without their girlfriend getting mad.
I enjoy the ability to enter any situation with another guy and have SOMETHING to talk about. I can bullshit my way through almost any sport - except golf, because my GOD is that a boring sport. It is hard to make baseball look exciting but next to golf, a pitcher adjusting his crotch four times before every pitch is the the pinnacle of suspense.
Even when guys completely disagree to the point where they consider the other person to have the intelligence level of a small rodent - they will still talk sports for as long as necessary to get out of whatever situation their girlfriends have placed them.
Double-dates.
Meeting of parents.
Funerals.
Baby showers.
Interventions.
It doesn't matter! Guy's will talk sports. Or Will Ferrell movies. Which I guess is sort of redundant at this point.
And if you aren't a sport's fan it is ok. I am sure there are plenty of other things to talk about!
Just not with me.
When a caveman's girlfriend took him over to Mrs. Oohhmaakoooga's cave for "couple's night" and the two girl cavemen (cavewomen doesn't sound right) start talking about the latest in pterodactyl fashion pieces - what the hell did the two cavemen talk about? They couldn't argue how homecourt advantage was going to help their team breeze through the playoffs or how the 3-4 defense is making a comeback. All they had to talk about was how much they missed being single and how they used to club women over the head and drag them to their cave all the time. Now they're lucky if they get to go woolly mammoth hunting twice a year without their girlfriend getting mad.
I enjoy the ability to enter any situation with another guy and have SOMETHING to talk about. I can bullshit my way through almost any sport - except golf, because my GOD is that a boring sport. It is hard to make baseball look exciting but next to golf, a pitcher adjusting his crotch four times before every pitch is the the pinnacle of suspense.
Even when guys completely disagree to the point where they consider the other person to have the intelligence level of a small rodent - they will still talk sports for as long as necessary to get out of whatever situation their girlfriends have placed them.
Double-dates.
Meeting of parents.
Funerals.
Baby showers.
Interventions.
It doesn't matter! Guy's will talk sports. Or Will Ferrell movies. Which I guess is sort of redundant at this point.
And if you aren't a sport's fan it is ok. I am sure there are plenty of other things to talk about!
Just not with me.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
I Can't Fight This Feeling Any Longer
I looked DAMN good yesterday - and I didn't just look good because I'm good looking. Though I will say it feels awful good looking that good looking.
Why can't they bottle that feeling? That "new haircut" or "favorite shirt" feeling. You can send me 1,000 emails about making my "love member" bigger - but if you tell me you can give me that "new haircut" feel I am throwing down my Visa.
Cars get this whenever they want. They can just buy an air freshener with new car smell. The best humans have is Axe - but that just makes you feel like a lonely teenager who just discovered there was porn on the internet. Was that just me? Well this is awkward...
Think about how much more productive we would all be if we felt like Brad Pitt everyday. Hell - think about how much better of an actor Brad Pitt would be if he had the "new haircut" feel everyday. He would be like, "Damn! I look almost as good as Narm today!" He is a long time reader - no big deal. Where do you think he got the idea for that mustache?
If I had "favorite shirt" feeling everyday of my life I would be unstoppable. Traffic lights would always be green, McDonald's would quit putting pickles on my double chee like I ask and the coffee pots would ALWAYS be full.
But I'm not just thinking about me, here, let's do it for Brad Pitt.
Why can't they bottle that feeling? That "new haircut" or "favorite shirt" feeling. You can send me 1,000 emails about making my "love member" bigger - but if you tell me you can give me that "new haircut" feel I am throwing down my Visa.
Cars get this whenever they want. They can just buy an air freshener with new car smell. The best humans have is Axe - but that just makes you feel like a lonely teenager who just discovered there was porn on the internet. Was that just me? Well this is awkward...
Think about how much more productive we would all be if we felt like Brad Pitt everyday. Hell - think about how much better of an actor Brad Pitt would be if he had the "new haircut" feel everyday. He would be like, "Damn! I look almost as good as Narm today!" He is a long time reader - no big deal. Where do you think he got the idea for that mustache?
If I had "favorite shirt" feeling everyday of my life I would be unstoppable. Traffic lights would always be green, McDonald's would quit putting pickles on my double chee like I ask and the coffee pots would ALWAYS be full.
But I'm not just thinking about me, here, let's do it for Brad Pitt.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Detox is for Quitters
I've made a mistake.
Somehow I was convinced to take part in a 3-day fruit detox with some friends of mine at work.
The rules?
All fruit. All day. Nothing else.
No caffeine.
No sugar.
No meat.
I'm still waiting on a ruling on porn.
Ashley over at Encounters of the Human Kind tells me it won't be that bad. The Lady Friend is a vegetarian so pretty much calls this little adventure "life" - in other words - I'm getting no sympathy.
I'll be updating this post through the next day or two on my progress.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DAY 1 -
Breakfast - I made a mistake and bought all of my fruit on Saturday so half of it is too ripe to eat. To drive this point home the pear I just had for breakfast was the consistency of snot. Now if only it TASTED like snot. I wonder if boogers are illegal on this diet? I would argue they are nose fruit.
Is it possible to eat a banana and not feel dirty? I was taking a bite and a coworker walked by and I know he was judging me. Maybe I'll leave the peel outside of his office and watch him comically slip and fall on it. Does worker's comp cover "banana incidents"?
Mid-Morning - It isn't even lunch of the first day and I have more regret than Tom Arnold when he woke up from that drunken bender married to Rosanne Barr. No caffeine? Who thinks that is a good idea? And someone left a whole VAT of brownies out on the kitchen counter this morning just to tease me. They could give me a wedgie and steal my lunch money and it would be less degrading than walking past their chocolaty goodness and not being able to grab a piece.
I need coffee.
#1 Benefit of fruit detox - no chance of getting scurvy. Suck it, pirates.
Lunch - I cheated a little and had fresh greens instead of fruit. I'm a rebel and can't be expected to follow society's "rules". I'm too busy driving motorcycles and using hairgel and whatever else rebels do. Probably spitting.
A lot of people are asking why the hell I am doing this. Other than the obvious fact that it is something to break up the monotony of my week and to blog about - the fruit detox is supposed to help clean our your system and help control your cravings. For instance, when I am on the couch watching a fourth consecutive episode of Scrubs - my body won't try to confuse boredom with hunger and make me throw down a bag of Doritos like Popeye eating spinach. So I am doing it for half entertainment and half health. And I want to look good naked.
3:00 - I've never wanted a burger or spaghetti or a candybar full of carbs more in my life. I'm not in any way hungry - I just want something horrible for me. It's like hitting on a fat girl because she is the only girl at the bar. Except a burger would be way more satisfying than a fat chick - but the sex vs food is an argument for another day.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DAY 2 -
Breakfast - Grapes. I'm not even hungry anymore. My body is rejecting how boring my meals are and deciding to just not eat. It's like seeing a penny on the ground - sure you could use some money but it really isn't worth bending over to pick it up. Unless there is some smoking hot girl across the street and you just got finished doing buns of steel - then, by all means, go for it!
Lunch - If someone handed me a Chipotle burrito right now I would make out with them. No questions asked. I would ram my tongue down their throat like Kim Karashian trying to fit in a size 2 dress. I just want something fatty (first time I've ever said that sober and not at a bar).
2:00 - I actually feel great. Like really great. No headache. No coma from eating horrible food. Just...good. But I'd still cut a man for a burrito.
Somehow I was convinced to take part in a 3-day fruit detox with some friends of mine at work.
The rules?
All fruit. All day. Nothing else.
No caffeine.
No sugar.
No meat.
I'm still waiting on a ruling on porn.
Ashley over at Encounters of the Human Kind tells me it won't be that bad. The Lady Friend is a vegetarian so pretty much calls this little adventure "life" - in other words - I'm getting no sympathy.
I'll be updating this post through the next day or two on my progress.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DAY 1 -
Breakfast - I made a mistake and bought all of my fruit on Saturday so half of it is too ripe to eat. To drive this point home the pear I just had for breakfast was the consistency of snot. Now if only it TASTED like snot. I wonder if boogers are illegal on this diet? I would argue they are nose fruit.
Is it possible to eat a banana and not feel dirty? I was taking a bite and a coworker walked by and I know he was judging me. Maybe I'll leave the peel outside of his office and watch him comically slip and fall on it. Does worker's comp cover "banana incidents"?
Mid-Morning - It isn't even lunch of the first day and I have more regret than Tom Arnold when he woke up from that drunken bender married to Rosanne Barr. No caffeine? Who thinks that is a good idea? And someone left a whole VAT of brownies out on the kitchen counter this morning just to tease me. They could give me a wedgie and steal my lunch money and it would be less degrading than walking past their chocolaty goodness and not being able to grab a piece.
I need coffee.
#1 Benefit of fruit detox - no chance of getting scurvy. Suck it, pirates.
Lunch - I cheated a little and had fresh greens instead of fruit. I'm a rebel and can't be expected to follow society's "rules". I'm too busy driving motorcycles and using hairgel and whatever else rebels do. Probably spitting.
A lot of people are asking why the hell I am doing this. Other than the obvious fact that it is something to break up the monotony of my week and to blog about - the fruit detox is supposed to help clean our your system and help control your cravings. For instance, when I am on the couch watching a fourth consecutive episode of Scrubs - my body won't try to confuse boredom with hunger and make me throw down a bag of Doritos like Popeye eating spinach. So I am doing it for half entertainment and half health. And I want to look good naked.
3:00 - I've never wanted a burger or spaghetti or a candybar full of carbs more in my life. I'm not in any way hungry - I just want something horrible for me. It's like hitting on a fat girl because she is the only girl at the bar. Except a burger would be way more satisfying than a fat chick - but the sex vs food is an argument for another day.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DAY 2 -
Breakfast - Grapes. I'm not even hungry anymore. My body is rejecting how boring my meals are and deciding to just not eat. It's like seeing a penny on the ground - sure you could use some money but it really isn't worth bending over to pick it up. Unless there is some smoking hot girl across the street and you just got finished doing buns of steel - then, by all means, go for it!
Lunch - If someone handed me a Chipotle burrito right now I would make out with them. No questions asked. I would ram my tongue down their throat like Kim Karashian trying to fit in a size 2 dress. I just want something fatty (first time I've ever said that sober and not at a bar).
2:00 - I actually feel great. Like really great. No headache. No coma from eating horrible food. Just...good. But I'd still cut a man for a burrito.
Monday, May 4, 2009
WyW on Monday - RomCom Edition
Pick up a box of tissues and drop your morals - it's time for everyone's favorite game!
WOULD YA WEDNESDAY ON MONDAY - ROMCOM EDITION
Where every story is the same - He's a ______, she's a _______ but somehow they will fall in love and make a sex scene about as exciting as an episode of The View!
Seriously - even boobs can't save these movies anymore. How is it still a surprise?
NO WAY! Even though he's a down and out car salesman with a peg leg and she was a dirty hooker who switched bodies with the Queen of England they still found love? Well slap my ass and pass the tissues how can I miss this movie?
He's a pirate with a sweet tooth and she's a farm animal? How will they make THIS work?
Speaking of farm animals lets introduce our first contestant.
Renee Zellweger has absolutely no redeeming qualities. She looks like she is stuck in an eternal "sucking on a lemon" pose. I heard Keystone Light wanted to use her for their "Bitter Beer Face" campaign. But she scared children. And we all know children are the #1 consumers of Keystone Light. It's a hard knock life, bitch.
I would feel bad for Hugh Grant that he always has to be cast in movies along side her if it weren't for the fact that he was busted with a transvestite. For a dude that is into transvestites, Renee Zellweger has to be a supermodel. A supermodel sucking on a lemon.
Our other contestant is standing, somewhere, in the rain. He probably has a pained look on his face and is listening to a dramatic song (boom box and trench coat optional). Even for all his flaws I can't hate John Cusack. He is one of those bastards that I have no business defending but still find myself saying things like, "C'mon he wasn't bad in Must Love Dogs..." Bastard.
Anyways for those of you new to the game here are the rules - I post two pictures of celebrities and you tell me if your crotch would beat the odds and fall in love with their crotch. Then your girlfriend cries and you have to pretend like you didn't like it when in fact you couldn't wait for them to finally kiss because GAWD! how could they not just realize they were meant for each other!
I've said too much.
Here are your choices -
Renee Zellweger
John Cusack
WOULD YA WEDNESDAY ON MONDAY - ROMCOM EDITION
Where every story is the same - He's a ______, she's a _______ but somehow they will fall in love and make a sex scene about as exciting as an episode of The View!
Seriously - even boobs can't save these movies anymore. How is it still a surprise?
NO WAY! Even though he's a down and out car salesman with a peg leg and she was a dirty hooker who switched bodies with the Queen of England they still found love? Well slap my ass and pass the tissues how can I miss this movie?
He's a pirate with a sweet tooth and she's a farm animal? How will they make THIS work?
Speaking of farm animals lets introduce our first contestant.
Renee Zellweger has absolutely no redeeming qualities. She looks like she is stuck in an eternal "sucking on a lemon" pose. I heard Keystone Light wanted to use her for their "Bitter Beer Face" campaign. But she scared children. And we all know children are the #1 consumers of Keystone Light. It's a hard knock life, bitch.
I would feel bad for Hugh Grant that he always has to be cast in movies along side her if it weren't for the fact that he was busted with a transvestite. For a dude that is into transvestites, Renee Zellweger has to be a supermodel. A supermodel sucking on a lemon.
Our other contestant is standing, somewhere, in the rain. He probably has a pained look on his face and is listening to a dramatic song (boom box and trench coat optional). Even for all his flaws I can't hate John Cusack. He is one of those bastards that I have no business defending but still find myself saying things like, "C'mon he wasn't bad in Must Love Dogs..." Bastard.
Anyways for those of you new to the game here are the rules - I post two pictures of celebrities and you tell me if your crotch would beat the odds and fall in love with their crotch. Then your girlfriend cries and you have to pretend like you didn't like it when in fact you couldn't wait for them to finally kiss because GAWD! how could they not just realize they were meant for each other!
I've said too much.
Here are your choices -
Renee Zellweger
John Cusack
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