I now have Direct TV's NFL Sunday Ticket, which means I am better than you.
I get every single NFL game every weekend. I may turn my chimney into a keggerator and my foyer into a urinal - because I will never leave my living room again.
Now, instead of having to go to the bar to see my beloved Miami Dolphins (yes, they suck and their colors suck and that city sucks, I know) I can just watch from the comfort of my living room.
No more flirting with bartenders hoping to get free drinks; now I can save all my winks and cleavage for the Lady Friend in hopes she will keep my beer full.
No more old dirty guy trying to talk to me about how much the Dolphins suck. I am a Dolphins FAN - you think I don't realize this? I'm dumb, not blind.
No more young fratty drunk guy quoting Jersey Shore and telling me how "this is the Browns' year, man!" Yeah, sure it is, you do remember this is Cleveland, right? It is actually in the Constitution that we aren't allowed to win sports championships. Thomas Jefferson added it just to be a prick.
Yes, it seems to all be falling into place. I can watch any game I want.
Unless, of course, the Lady Friend is watching the Browns.
Doesn't she know their colors suck?