Monday, August 31, 2009


I'm kinda handsy.

I always have to have something in my hand (laaaaaaaaaadies). When sitting at my desk, it is normally a pen or a binder clip or something else that I can make annoying noises until my coworkers speak with HR to understand how killing me would effect their employment status.

So to counteract my handsinaciousness, a coworker bought me a small, rubber bear that I can play with and not bother anyone.

The bear soon became part of my office persona. It came with me to meetings, it would turn up in compromising positions on my desk and if you walked by quick enough, you could probably catch me chewing on it (who's scary now, bear?)

But while on the phone on Friday, my cozy, cuddly bear exploded in a mass of Timothy Treadwell.

So today is a sad day. My bear has left me with not only empty hands, but an empty heart.

RIP Bear.
It's better to blow up in a fireworks display of tiny plastic balls than to fade away.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Dolphins Make Me Cry

I have something admit to all of you.

I'm that guy.

I'm the guy that sits at a sports bar, by himself, every Sunday to see his favorite football team's (the Miami Dolphins) game.

And I wear a jersey.

I PAY MONEY to be part of an exclusive Miami Dolphins message board.

I have Miami Dolphin colored stripes running down the sides of my truck.

I hate you, Tom Brady.

I can not only name the entire 53 man roster, but could probably tell you the name of the Assistant Secondary Coach.

I love you, Dan Marino.

When my brother and I speak on the phone, there is a 5 minute window to discuss our lives and his kids before we launch into, and I kid you not, weekly 45 minute discussions about ONLY the Dolphins.

There are and will be not plans made for Sundays during the NFL season. Ever. The Lady Friend understands that I will do anything she asks 6 days a week - but come Sunday - I am off limits.

When Hootie said, "I'm such a baby, yeah, the Dolphins make me cry." I knew EXACTLY what he meant.

Ace Ventura could have just been Jim Carrey making faces at a camera for 2 hours but if the Dolphins were in the background I would still consider it a cinema masterpiece.

When the sign in my office says "Miami Dolphins Fan Parking Only" it means "Miami Dolphins Fan Parking Only, Mother Fucker"

I am that guy.

But most impressive beyond all of that -

I am willing to wear the colors aqua and orange to support my team.

That is devotion.

Go Phins.


Things I have trouble believing -

People think Katherine Heigl is attractive and a sweetheart.

Anyone has ever laughed at a Wanda Sykes joke ever.

Jon and Kate have anything left to say.

Heidi and Spencer are still relevant in any way.

Winona Ryder won't return my phone calls.

Tyler Perry isn't turning into Earnest (umm...umm...Madea goes Film it!)

Grey's Anatomy is still on.

People don't realize Lady Gaga dresses like that because it makes people buy her records.

Lindsay Lohan hasn't been in a movie in almost 3 years but I still see a news story on her daily.

We are all supposed to forget about shaved head / swastika carving / umbrella wielding Brittney.

I've been blogging for over two years.

Thanks to everyone who reads this space and helps satisfy my need for attention. If I could give you all a big kiss, buy you a beer and give you a smack on the ass I would - but my lawyer said I'm not allowed within 50 yards of any of you.

Thanks to all of the great people I've met, the great blogs I've found and for anyone who reads White-Collar Redneck.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Girly Man

Me: Do you have anything for spiders? I scream like a little school girl every time I see one.

Hardware Guy: We have traps.

Me: Looking more for something that will ensure I never have to see another spider ever.

Hardware Guy: You could just be a man about it.

Me: Do you sell something for that?

Monday, August 24, 2009

I Will Murder My House

You know when you do something and everyone keeps warning you it is a bad idea but you only look at the good parts until reality sets in and it's too late and you are already screwed (girls - this is like dating a guy with a chin strap beard)?

Well, helllllo home ownership!

My Friday started with someone backing into my beloved truck. I am using the word 'truck' loosely here as it is a Honda - which is about as manly of a truck as a VH1 reality show is really 'reality'. Point of the story - it's gonna cost some money to fix. While this isn't necessarily directly related to the house, I am already trained to blame all things money related on the house (that includes my girl friend).

Saturday ended with my painting the FOURTH coat of paint on my bedroom. It was like a tug of war against my will to pick up that paintbrush. Like that paintbrush was a carrot and I was a 5yr old at the dinner table. I knew I had to paint it or I'd never get dessert. Dessert in this scenario is just a painted room - so I didn't even get to put sprinkles on it.

And then, finally, on Sunday - my bathtub decided it would be fun to turn my kitchen into a slip'n'slide by leaking water from the ceiling and all over. This proves my bathtub is stupid because slip'n'slides always end with rug burns and knee-scrapes and that is NOT cool. Buy me a Skip It or lose me forever, Bath Tub.

So after all of that - and the probable COST of all of that - I am pretty much ready to punch babies.

But that would probably get me sent to jail.

And as much as it sucked to have someone back into my truck - in jail I would probably get rear ended.

I guess things aren't that bad.

Thursday, August 20, 2009


This is my drive in every morning -

Forty minutes of pure trafficky goodness. Do you know how much energy it takes to hate all those people at one time? I used to try to hate only the stupid ones, but it is such an overwhelming majority I thought my hating would be more efficient to just lump them all into one category.

So as I finally get some coffee running through my veins, helping to speed up my hatred of all things traffic, I pose this question -

What situation displays the most combined stupidity for you?

Is it traffic jams

or airports

or malls

or Nickelback concerts

or another situation that I missed?

Join me in the hatred - just don't you date switch lanes without a blinker.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

'Snot Right

Why are boogers so gross? I feel like they are being misrepresented.

I mean - we all pick our nose. All of us. I see you in the mornings on your drive to work with your finger jammed up there. We all do it. So we all know what boogers feel like / look like and it shouldn't come as a surprise.

Plus - kids eat em. Check out a kid - I bet you will see him gobble up a booger if you watch him for at least 5 minutes. Kids eat those things like they are Lucky Charms. And I've seen kids try to eat broccoli - it ain't happening. That means boogers have to taste better than broccoli. Fact.

The thing is - I LIKE broccoli - so what am I missing out on by not eating boogers. Maybe social stigma has prevented me from one of the world's greatest treasures. You would be hard pressed to convince me that a hot dog is less gross than a booger. Or calamari, or oysters. I love all that shit - so why can't I love boogers.

You have a choice to make - you can either give in to The Man and continue your life eating whatever the grocery store tells you is ok - or you can join the ranks of the Booger Eaters and live life in a fantastic rainbow journey of flavors.

You pick.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Make a House a Home

There are big changes coming here at White-Collar Redneck. Instead of complaining about homeless people, I will now be complaining about people who own homes - namely, myself.

I closed on my new house last week and am now knee deep in paint and cleaning supplies (read as: debt). I have left the busy, exciting streets of Cleveland (I see you laughing) for a quiet, clean street of Lakewood. Yes...the Burbs.

So today and tomorrow are going to be "blog free" much like my wallet is "money free" - though if you are Home Depot, my wallet is actually "free money".

But have no fear - I will return on Wednesday for your regularly scheduled blogramming.

Now get off my lawn.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Pizza Face - True FML

Last night I tried to pop a zit on my chest but it just flaked off and I realized it was dried on pizza sauce. I had been wearing a shirt the entire day.


Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Too Sexy For My Shirt

I am vanilla.

My entire wardrobe is full of solid-color selections that rarely venture outside of browns, grays or black. I will admit I have a light blue shirt in the back of my closet for when I feel a bit saucy - but mostly I stick to earf tones.

I like it this way. I enjoy the look of a solid color - plus, lets face it - my face does most of the talking. I mean have you SEEN this thing? I'm like the love baby between Brad Pitt, George Clooney and James Dean. My three Dads!

But even more than directing attention to my money maker - I hate graphics on shirts for two reasons -

A) I'm not paying $20 to wear a shirt advertising your brand. I do this shit for a living and you should be paying me.

B) I hate explaining why I am wearing a specific graphic or what it means. It's a shirt, not a statement. My shirt doesn't tell you anything about me - but if it COULD tell you something, it would probably tell you I am awesome - my shirts love me.

Anyways - last week I was convinced to step outside of my comfort zone and not only purchase a white shirt - but a shirt with an actual logo on it. After kicking, screaming and a little crying, I agreed and went happily along my way with this shirt from Banana Republic -

Listen I didn't say it was the greatest shirt in the world - just a shirt. With an elephant.

After wearing the shirt ONE time I am convinced I need to have a press conference. Perhaps I will release a book outlining the exact details of said shirt. It created such an uproar I am fairly certain that somewhere Sarah Palin is claiming I somehow offended her family with it.

Some reactions -

From coworkers - "Oh I love your elephant shirt! What does it mean?"

From friends - "I didn't know you were a republican? (editor's note - I'm not) And a green elephant? Isn't that, like, an oxymoron?"

From random guy at store - "So...what, man? Are you like really into elephants or something?"

So if you see me in my new shirt and want to ask a question - go ahead.

I don't want to be the elephant in the room.

Hot Stuff

For those of you who read this blog often - you know I think highly of myself. For those of you who may not be regulars - I'm fucking sweet.

Part of this has to do with my chiseled abs and some of it has to do with my overall surplus of awesome - although my punctuality should not go unnoticed. This past month, even my ridiculous amount of bravado was no match for the biting tongue of a lady. And not just any lady, but my own Lady Friend.

The following are three phrases my own dear Lady Friend has used to describe my face this month:

Goblin Nose

Tiny Little Eyes

Big Horse Face

Now, keep in mind, this isn't a bully on the playground or Perez Hilton - this is my own girlfriend. Big Horse Face? Who even says that? When you call someone a horse face is it even necessary to add "Big" in front of it? Like I was going to say, "Horse face? Maybe. But big? That's just mean!" Way to kick a horse when he is down.

And my nose looks like that of a fictional creature? Is there even a standard "goblin" from which I can take the standard goblin nose? I feel like every movie has a different idea of goblins - so not only do I have a goblin nose but I don't even know what KIND of goblin. I'm like a nose orphan.

I won't even get started on the Tiny Little Eyes. Again - is it REALLY necessary to say "Tiny Little" - were two adjectives needed to really drive the point home? Did someone buy her a thesaurus for her birthday and now I am feeling the effects?

So forgive me if I seem a bit downtrodden today.

Just don't ask why the long face.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Just Like The Movies

Movies love to show the quirky main character who is trapped in his mindless office job while he would really love to be a ________.

And while so many of us can relate to the intricacies of cubicle living, how many of us REALLY have that dream job we think about and speak so passionately about?

I love my job - it is fun and exciting and allows me a ton of really cool opportunities - but I'm not going to pretend I said this is what I wanted to do when I was 5. I wasn't like "Mommy - when I grow up I want to sit in an office and make sweet love to spreadsheets." Ok I said that once, but I was hopped up on Fun Dip and Mt Dew at the time.

Point being - how realistic is it that we all have some dream occupation that we feel held back from achieving. When you watch movies you think that all you have to do is quit your day job and suddenly people will be lining up to offer you a job as an architect. Or that your band will suddenly get signed to a record deal. Or that some hot cougar will ask you to come fix her cable and then her top will accidentally fall off. I guess it depends on what kind of movies you watch.

So while I can completely relate to the hot movie star love interest (seriously Marissa Miller, quit calling me) - the biggest fantasy parts of movies to me are that we all have some calling or some dream occupation.

Do you have a dream job that you just never accomplished? Or am I the weird one for not having some "calling" that I dream about in my sleep.

Although, now that I think about it, that cable repair man for cougars job has snuck into a few dreams of mine.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Monday, August 3, 2009

Zombie Week

Everyone is talking about shark week. Some people love it, some people hate and everyone agrees that "Air Jaws" was the weak title for a show about sharks that jump out of the water. C'mon Discovery let's get creative! How about "Ninja Sharks" or "Shark Flu" or "Jon and Kate plus Bait". Endless possibilities for the single coolest thing in nature.

But as much as I enjoy Shark Week - when is a station going to finally man-up and do Zombie Week?

Think about the possibilities! CBS alone has a whole lineup of zombie-sounding shows.

How I Ate Your Mother

2 1/2 Men

Cold Case

Ghost Whisperer


There Goes The Neighborhood

The Undead and the Restless

I know you are all skeptical that a zombie show could work in primetime on a major network - but look at how well Golden Girls did!

Throwing Up is Going Down

Guys could never be bulimic.

Have you ever heard a guy throw up? It sounds like a dump truck full of old timey cash registers is dumping it's load into a big vat of running vacuum cleaners.

When girls throw up it sounds like a kitten's meow. Like "burp!" and it's over. It is practically a pleasant sound. Like whale noises.

Guys lose a minimum of two organs per vomit. It is like we are trying to excise a demon if we get the flu.

I feel like guys are just doing it wrong - like this is another one of girls' mind tricks. Girls just lean over the toilet and it's over. If you blink you might miss it. When I have the flu it is like a full body work-out. Every muscle in my body is tired when I am done. Lance Armstrong and his Tour de France can suck it; I just threw up for 2 hours. If guys were bulimic we would all be ripped. Instead of P90X I am just going to eat day-old Chinese food once a week and spend my Sunday hunched over the lue. Feel the burn!

Girls have no idea what it feels like. Imagine the feeling of your innards opening up and just spewing out their contents.

What's that?


You know, the puking thing really isn't that bad.