Friday, March 28, 2008

Pretty Much Everywhere...It's Gonna Be Hot

I have watched this thirteen consecutive times and have giggled like a small school girl after each viewing.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Bearding (or lack thereof) Update

What do Al Gore, Bono and all of my trips to the urinal on St Patty's have in common?

They all went green.

But St Patty's is about more than commercializing the Irish - it is also about growing fantastic beards. With the greatest of holidays passing by like so many questionable decisions, my beard was left Tuesday morning like a scruffy walk of shame. I promised to grow until March 17th - and with that date passed, it was time to depart from my face. As you can tell by my somber expression, the breakup was not an easy one.

Something tells me, however, that the future is bright...

Monday, March 24, 2008

Bad Month

I've written this post too many goddamn times. All I want is to write a post about how shitty my luck has been - but the karma police have set up a sting and it seems I can't go 12 hours without the pigs flashing the red and blues and telling me to pull over. Its hard to pull a trainwreck over to the curb, Officer, but I'll do my best.

Monday I managed to step in dog shit - not just any dog shit, mind you - but superhuman dogshit the likes of which has never been encountered by mankind. I am fairly confident the dog had eaten eight pounds of Elmer's glue before he left that gift for my shoe. I sent a sample to NASA and have yet to receive confirmation that it was actually from this planet. I couldn't scrape if off in the snow, it fought my paper towel attack; laughed when I tried to use a Q-Tip; and finally defeated it with a wooden skewer.

Here's a tip for you home-improvement-impaired - do NOT throw a wooden skewer into the toilet - no matter how many pieces you break it into first. Of course the toilet clogged. Who didn't see that coming? I'm sorry to make this blog more predictable than an episode of Grey's Anatomy (no way - Denny had another heart attack?) - but I have no choice. So I moved on with my life sans toilet (yeah ladies - see me throwing out that French? I'm cultured too.)

Tuesday's workday was much like Monday's - what with the constant itch for suicide. After work things finally started looking up - Chipotle date with a girl I tricked into thinking I was charming and then back to my place to hang out. The roommate managed to fix the toilet and my wooing attempts were being met with oddly positive reactions. All is well and good and she takes off back for home around 2am and I get ready for some delicious slumber salad. Suddenly I look at my phone and see six missed calls. Thats odd. I call her back to check up why the cell phone attack and learn she has a flat tire and is stranded downtown. Cute girl. Downtown Cleveland. If you have ever been to W 6th you know it takes about 15 seconds for the creepers to come out. So I jump in my truck and go to save the day.

I speed across the Superior bridge - as she had done only moments before and BAM! Flat tire. Yes - I am that stupid to not look for the pothole that had just eaten her tire. Surprised? Were you not HERE for the skewer story? Seriously, Reader, pay attention or I'll turn this damn blog around and you won't get any ice cream.

So I've got a flat - but mine goes flat a quarter mile before hers had gone flat. So now, not only does my baby have a flat - but my date was stranded as well. I call and let her know that I am stranded and then get ready to fix my beloved truck. A cop passes without so much as a glance in my direction so I run up and tap on their window. They roll down their window with a disinterested look and I go into my spiel:

"Hey guys - I can change my tire but there is a girl a quarter-mile up the road that also has a flat. Can you go help her?"

"We can't do anything for her."

"She is stranded downtown by herself - you can't help her change it or call a tow truck?"

"Nope. We can go get her and bring her here - but you better get these cars out of here by morning."

Thanks cops. Glad to see you are willing to go the extra mile to protect a girl stranded downtown at 2am. Real stand-up job.

So they drop her off with me and we set forth calling tow-trucks and AAA. The tow trucks require $40 cash for each tow (neither of us have any cash) and AAA says it will take two hours for them to arrive. Looks like it is up to your fearless hero to crank these tires off.

After changing two tires in the 20 degree weather, we finally get back to my apartment at 4am. The next morning begins at 8am calling everywhere in Cleveland trying to find tires for both of our vehicles. We decide to take the tires to a place next to my apt to see if they could be repaired. We get hers fixed for $13 and learn mine will take a day or two (oh, and $230) to get in. Perfect. We take her tire BACK to my apartment - where her spare tire has already gone flat - leaving her helpless Civic stranded - and try to change her tire.

Now I know you can't jack a car up on a hill. I'm not an idiot. Ok, you read the skewer part, I AM an idiot - but not THAT big of an idiot. But she has flat - so I attempt to jack up her car on the hill to change the tire. Twice I jack the car up - twice it kicks out. The second time, to no one's surprise, the jack bends and leaves me without a jack for her car (because the jack for my truck is too big to fit under her car (thats what she said). We pull her car to flat land without too much damage - I somehow bend her jack into place enough to jack it up to a point where I can get the jack for my truck under it and finish the job - and fix her tire. For those of you keeping score - that is 3 tires changed and 5 times jacking up various vehicles. Cute.

So I stumble into work covered in grease and anger and manage to still rock out an 8 hour day - doubling the amount of sleep I got the night before. The week continues with calls to the shop - and no tire to be found. This means I am stuck driving on those damn mini-spare donuts that can't go over a speed of 50. Taking back roads too and from work everyday is a BLAST - you can't even imagine. My trip that already takes 30-40 minutes now takes 45-60. Not to mention all the time missed at work Wednesday morning adds up to an 11-hour day on Thursday and me being so exhausted when I got home that my roommate asked me if I was drunk.

My weekend went by with only a few minor glitches - eating entirely too much seafood at Parallax and wanting to die for 12 hours - followed by getting too hammered and passing out through a night I was supposed to meet the girl's friends (nothing like a first impression of, "Sorry - he's not going to make it - its 10pm and he has already been passed out for 2 hours").

So on to week #2. I thought the bad luck HAD to be over. I mean a bad day happens - a bad week, ok that sucks - but a bad month? That is ridiculous, God - grow up. But, alas, my week begins with no sign of my tire and me driving on my krispy kreme donut wheel that can't go over 50.

Wednesday breaks with me trying to sneak into the office early (not easy with the extended trip) but needing to hit up the bank to deposit money to pay for my tire that was promised to be in that day. I pull into the bank a few miles from work to find they don't open till 9am. Thinking I could just deposit in the ATM I tear my truck apart to find that while I DO have Minnie Mouse ears I don't have a pen. I wait 20 minutes until finally a nice lady pulls in next to me and jump out to ask her for a pen. She has a pen - but unfortunately does not have a spare set of keys for me to open the truck I just locked my keys in. I call AAA and wait the hour for them to arrive.

How is it that AAA can get to me in Warrensville Heights in an hour and can't get to downtown Cleveland for two hours? What strange, geographical anomaly is the AAA headquarters for Cleveland located.

AAA kid arrives - and immediately can't get the bar past my weather stripping and strips 3 inches of paint off of my frame while simultaneously ripping all of my weather stripping from my door. I was impressed they sent someone who could multi-task so well.

So now I am driving with scratched off paint, a donut spare and a strange grinding noise in my engine that I didn't even mention earlier because I wanted to spare you from the horror.

Of course my tire STILL didn't get in that day, I STILL worked till 11pm that night and sit here, today, without my tire. Did you notice how the beginning of this post was creative and funny and the end is just bitter and depressing? Welcome to my week.

I found out Thursday that my tire had been "discontinued" and the guy had to special order one from Idaho. The reason they didn't know this is because the computer system hadn't been updated so it listed the tire as shipped and on its way. This is all well and good if you don't happen to know a tire dealership and call them to find out there is a stockpile of my exact tire an hour and a half away in Toledo. I could have WALKED to Toledo and gotten the tire myself. This would have been expensive, seeing as being in Toledo for more than 15 minutes ensure SOMETHING will be stolen from you, but well worth it, I believe.

Fast forward to Friday and I get a notice in the mail that I failed to pay my city tax and was charged a late fee - which I found odd since they had already taken my money from my bank account. Apparently that first $300 didn't count and the city wants a do-over. I'd rather try to teach physics to the girl who takes phone orders at the Chinese restaurant than call the city and get this sorted out.

The shitty week capped off me sitting on a chunk of chocolate on my drive home and getting chocolate all over the only pair of jeans I brought home. After those two weeks - it was actually fitting for me to look like I had shit myself.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Party Butt

Ok I'll admit - when I first saw the story about the woman who stayed in the bathroom so long that she grew into the toilet I giggled. But as the story has progressed (and I became frustrated with my failure to come up with a witty nickname for her) it began to get under my skin (kinda like a toilet seat you've been sitting on for two years).

They are now charging her boyfriend for "mistreatment of a dependent adult".

Why is this country obsessed with finding people to blame for every situation? I understand this guy should've gotten her help sooner - and that this situation is ridiculous - but what about drug addicts who have their lives destroyed by drugs. Shouldn't their family and friends be charged for not "treating a dependent adult"? In fact, some of you should probably be charged for not helping me with my dependence on being sexy. Shame on you, Reader!

When are we as a country going to just stand up and admit that sometimes we fuck up. There isn't always someone to blame - sometimes you are just batshit crazy and sit on a toilet for two years.

This guy didn't beat her or force her in there. In fact he took care of her and fed her - and was the one who eventually called for help.

So I am here to say - if I ever grow into a toilet (which has come close to happening - thanks Chipotle) - I'll be the first accept the blame for my life going to the shitter.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

New Sheriff in Fattsburgh

Coworker, holding sandwich leftover from a meeting: My sandwich didn't look very fulfilling so I added some corned beef.

Me: Wait - there was corned beef in there?

Coworker: No, I keep some in my office just in case.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Fight Me, I'm Irish

I know I promised a story about my terrible week, but I haven't had a chance to write it yet (damn you, Alcoholism).

Instead I want to mourn the fact that I am spending St. Patty's day in the office and not making questionable decisions downtown. Putting green food coloring in my coffee just doesn't have the same effect.

I miss this (not that I remember it):

Thursday, March 13, 2008


This week has found me strapped to a giant rocket with ACME written in large, red letters. Each time I think I have that damn road runner in my grasp I run out of cliff and turn into yet another long whistling fall and anti-climatic "poof". Beep beep, indeed.

I hope to soon divulge the full happenings of this seven day suckstravaganza - and trust me it is good. There is drama, suspense, heartbreak, cops and a plugged toilet - all the makings of a classic day-time movie starring Rob Lowe as the ruggedly handsome, yet uncontrollable heartthrob - JEFF NOMINA. The guys want to be him! The girls think they can change him! Tune in next week for COMMON DENOMINATOR!

Or maybe it'll just be a big whinefest about a shitty week. Either way its comin so you might as well prepare yoursexyselves.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Man vs Toaster

Early Morning Jeff: This toaster could not possibly take longer. I am simply asking you to toast bread, this isn't a math problem, Toaster. You are on a 5 setting out of 8. I'm not even asking for 100%. You can half-ass your job and I would be happy. How can you suck so much when so little is expected of you. Answer me, Toaster. You suck at your job. This is supposed to be my breakfast - not dinner tomorrow. I swear to God I'll -

Co-worker, interrupting: What's burning in here?

Early Morning Jeff: Oh shit!!!

Friday, March 7, 2008

Wheel of Fortune

My fortune from today: A pleasant surprise is in store for you tonight.

Hopefully it's not contagious.

While we are talking about Chinese food - I hope I end up as the "winner, winner chicken dinner" of life and not the pay-by-the-pound Chinese buffet. I'll even settle to be a McNugget as long as there is some sweet and sour sauce for the ride.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Cockroaches and Keith Richards

The music I listen to is never going to be popular. If the music scene was a high school - my scene would be the marching band kids.

Which is why this article has ruined my week. The article, and subsequent comments, argue whether the scene is dying and shifting away into new scenes, or becoming played out as western shirts and snappy buttons pop up at American Eagle and Abercrombie. Only this scene could be dying out and exploding at the same time.

So in my musical misery I've come up with five songs. Not Top Five. Just five songs I think you should hear. Enjoy.

Whiskeytown - Everything I Do

Rachael Yamagata - Reason Why

Tift Merritt - Good Hearted Man

The Hold Steady - First Night
(Taken from

Jason Isbell - Hurricanes and Hand Grenades

In the end I don't know why I get worked up at these articles. The last two years have seen countless incredible albums, and if there is anything to take away from rock and roll it is that it will never die - no matter how hard Nickleback tries. It's been said before, but bears repeating - you could drop an atomic bomb to wipe out all living creatures on earth...and the only thing that would survive is cockroaches and Keith Richards.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Things Not To Say At A Strip Club

Stripper, after shakin her goods for a friend: "How was that, Honey?"

Friend: "You remind me of my sister!"