Friday, June 28, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th THE END

We're here.  We're to the end of my list of 30 things I should have and do before I turn 30 this Sunday, the 30th.

It's my 30th birthday eve's eve.  Except, unlike Christmas eve, the only bearded person sneaking through my house will be me when I have to pee at 3am. 

A lot of people get depressed as they get older.  Like they're closer to death. 

I'm pumped!  I've avoided death for 30 years now.  That's a pretty incredible living streak.  It's also pretty low standards on things to be excited about. 

But that's fine.  I'd rather appreciate the memories and people and days I'm adding on to my life every morning than worry about the days on the end of my life I'm losing.  I'm counting up, not counting down. 

So let's wrap this thing up (that's also a tip on a way to live longer for all you young'uns out there.)

Things I should have:

The beginning of a nest egg.

A place where everyone knows his name.

At least one sex move he's received lots of positive feedback on.

Does it count as a nest egg when the projected cost of college when my daughter turns 18 is approximately: all of the monies?  It's hard to save money when there is literally no amount of my salary I could put aside that would even dent her future college tuition.  I might as well spend it as a bar - at least everyone there knows my name.

As for the sex move that I've received positive feedback on?  NOT USING THE PHRASE "SEX MOVE."

Things I should do:

Learn a magic trick.

Look after someone else's kids for the day. 

Quit something you love.

When I was like 12 I got super into learning magic tricks.  And I was awful at them.  Somehow my parents would sit through them and pretend they couldn't tell that I flipped the card behind my back or whatever.  My parents were awesome.  But this probably explains why no one wanted to watch me for the day. 

As for quitting something I love - this would be a great time to quit the blog.  I mean, this worked out pretty well with the ending of this list quitting something you love and all that.

But I don't feel like doing that.  Partially because I just renewed the domain name, partially because I find the domain name REALLY clever... still... 5 years later.

But mostly because I still enjoy cranking out a post once a month and then obsessively checking the analytics to see if anyone read it.

So thank you for reading.

It's a better birthday present than you know.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th - Parts 25 -27

We're getting so close to my 30th I can almost feel it!  Wait.  Nope.  Just a fart.

Continuing my countdown of 30 things I should have and do before I turn 30 on the 30th - so much having and doing!!!

Things I should have:

Enough confidence to approach someone he finds attractive.

Enough sense not to use a cheesy pick-up line.

A great razor.

This is just dumb.  Of course a handsome man like me has no problem approaching someone I find attractive.  And why would I have to use a cheesy pick-up line when I look like this?

But the reason I can do those two things is because my beard is what you see when you are dying.  They say you see a tunnel, but that's actually just my beard and the light at the end is the space between my mustache and my chin.  Don't believe me?  Think about it - if you reach the end of the tunnel it would be like giving me a kiss.  That's the definition of heaven right there. 

Things I should do:

Drink tequila in Mexico.

Sell something you've made to someone you don't know.

Walk a mighty distance.

I drank rum in Jamaica.  Does that count?  And I sold you on reading this blog.  Which means I've made it!

As for walking a might distance - I used to have to hoe 80 acre fields 5 rows at a time.  It's literally just walking through dirt and weeds for 12 hours in the heat.  It's one of those jobs that I can't accurately explain to city kids who complain about working at the Gap when they were teenagers.  I mean - all they had to do was sell something to people they didn't know.  That sounds easy. 

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th Parts 20-24

I'm counting down the 30 things I need to have and do before I turn 30 this Sunday, the 30th.

I gave myself 66 days to complete a list of 30 things - and with 5 days to go I have 11 items left on the list.  This isn't a good start to the rest of my life. 

Things I should have: 

Always enough toilet paper.

Sheets that don't scratch.

A nightstand that doesn't say "Handle with care" on the side.

A smile he uses generously.

At least one lamp that didn't once belong in a dorm room. 

Almost this entire portion of the list is about shedding off the cheap items of my youth for more permanent, adult options. 

I always have enough toilet paper - and I buy the good stuff so that those sheets don't scratch.  I have nightstands and lamps that aren't from Ikea - and I use my smile generously because the nightstands and lamps cost so much I can't be generous with my money.

This part of the list was about me growing up, putting down some roots and looking towards the future.  Well if that's all it took to turn 30, I've been 30 for a few years now.  I became a lame old guy in my mid-20s.  I'm a trendsetter. 

Things I should do:

Stayed up all night to watch the sunrise.

Started your own business.

Said, "I love you" and mean it. 

Taken a punt on a long shot.

Sung in public.

If the 'have' list was about growing up, the 'dos' are about going all in.  Take a chance - take a risk.  Go for it.  Shoot for the moon - if you miss you'll still land among the stars. 

It's starting to sound like a sorority girl's AIM away message from 2004.

I've stayed up all night to watch the sunrise.  I've said "I love you" and meant it.  I've taken the long shot (and lost.)  I've sang in public.  I've done all that.

And that's why my hair is falling out and I can't drink two beers without a hangover now.

Age has certainly been giving me the business lately - but I guess I started it.

Monday, June 24, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th Parts 18 & 19

Last week of my 20s, you guys.  Sweatin' over here.

Time for the home stretch of my list of 30 things I should have and do before I turn 30 on June 30th.

Things I should have: Jumper cables / A driver's license

Again, Mr. List, this is an odd order to do things.  But I'll play along...

I failed my driver's test on my first attempt.  I had been driving farm machinery for years and was a good driver.  But I took a Ford Explorer with tinted windows to do the parallel parking section and got more cockeyed than...well there's no where to take that joke that remains PG-13 so I'm just gonna let it sit there.

Things I should do: Be a rock god / Eat something truly weird

I was in a rock band in high school.  Our name was Shatt.  I played the drums (poorly) and we also had a guitarist, bassist and singer - who all did their jobs poorly as well.  I was the worst musician, but much better than everyone else at having a basement for practice sessions, so I got to be in the band.  We were awful.  But when you are from a town of 6,000 people, the number of rock bands is fairly minimal, meaning just by virtue of being IN a band, I was in one of the three best bands in town.  Rock God!

As for eating something weird - I order chicken livers all the time.  They're delicious.  And it drives my vegetarian wife crazy.  But at least she doesn't have to parallel park.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th Parts 12-17

I'm running out of ways to tell you I'm doing a countdown of the 30 things I should have / do before I turn 30 on June 30th.  So I'm just going to tell you that I'm doing a countdown of the 30 things I should have / do before I turn 30 on June 30th.

Consistent with most of my life - I've procrastinated and now need to crank out 19 of these things in the next week and a half.  So let's do rapid fire!

Things I should have:

A favorite cookbook.  My wife is 100% Italian - I'm eating homeade sauce and meatballs every night.  My favorite cookbook is getting used as a placemat. #Humblebrag #BlogHashtagsDontMakeSense

A decent set of pots and pans.  And just clap your hands and just clap your hands.  Where it's at. 

An emergency kit in the trunk of his car.  I drive a truck, like a damn man.  I ain't got no trunk.  Put that on your list and smoke it.

A hobby that does not include a television set or a 6-pack of beer.  All that leaves are crappy hobbies.  Why do I need a boring hobby to turn 30 when I have a bunch of awesome ones that involve TVs and beers?

A trusted barber or hair stylist.  I don't have enough hair left to screw it up.  Maybe you should think about your target demographic when making this list, jerks. 

A pair of jeans that makes his butt look good.  My butt always looks good.  I don't need jeans to make it look good - jeans need my butt to make them look good.
Things I should do: 

Lived in another country.  I grew up in a town of 6,000 people that was an hour and a half from the nearest big city.  And that city was Toledo.  TOLEDO, PEOPLE.  I'd argue the difference in my hometown to my current one are about as large as that to any foreign country. 

Throw a memorable party.  When I was 16 I had a bunch of buddies out to my property and got busted for underage consumption.  My criminal record sure remembers.

Empty your pockets for a worthy cause.  I don't think any worthy cause wants a dirty handkerchief, two nickels, and a gum wrapper.

Camp out under the stars for a week.  Done it.  Though this part sounds much better than the "wake up with no where to poop" part. 

Bid at an auction.  I didn't BID on an auction but we auctioned off some farm land once.  It's a lot scarier being on the other side of the bidding process.  The "please someone raise their hand, oh god why is no one raising their hand, oh sweet lord what just happened" side.

Overcome a fear. My only real fears are spiders and confrontation.  And getting old.  Maybe I can extend this list to 40 things...50?  PLEASE?

Monday, June 17, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th Parts 10 & 11

Here we go again - I'm counting down 30 things I should have/do before I turn 30 on June 30th.  We're getting dangerously close to the 30th and I still have 20 more of these to write - so let's double our pleasure.

Things I should have: The ability to ask for directions / A great road map when there's no one to ask

Was this list written in 1862?  Do they think I have to find Pocahontas every time I need to find the grocery store?  I have an iPhone.  I ask Siri for directions and carry Google Maps around in my pocket.  It's a great map because after I find directions I can listen to the Spin Doctors.

Things I should do: Make love in open water / Build a fence

Wait, what?

Who wrote this list that they had those two consecutive thoughts?  "Alright. Top things to do before turning 30.  Well, doing it in water HAS to be in the top ten, for obvious reasons.  And...ya know it's not quite top ten, but you gotta build a fence.  That's real important.  Fence building.  Can't turn 30 without that."

And the weirdest part is that you have to do these in this order.  If you build a fence in the water and then 'make love' in the water, you're no longer in the 'open water.'  And after making love, it'd be pretty awkward to be like, "Alright, wanna help me throw this fence up real quick?"

The best is the description: "Under a waterfall or on a sun drenched beach, it’s every woman’s dream and every guys duty."

Having sand in my ass crack is never and will never be a 'dream.'  Especially when you then talk about my doodie. 

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th Parts 8 & 9

I'm turning 30 on the 30th, and to celebrate I'm going down a list of 30 things I should have or do before the big day.  Though this being parts 8 & 9, I'm guessing you are well aware of these points.  You'll have to excuse me, old age does funny things to a memory.

Things I should have: Enough clean underwear to last a week / Independence from his mama

As much as I promote the idea of dissolving the traditional gender roles in households, my wife and I fit them to a tee.  She makes dinner, I mow the lawn.  She sweeps the floors, I fix the light switch.  She does the laundry goes to the grocery makes the baby's food calls the doctor pays the bills balances the check book buys my clothes and manages our schedule, I take out the trash.  Sometimes.  And complain about it the entire time when I do.

So I have clean underwear for a week, and independence from my mama.  But only because I rely on a different mama now.  

Things I should do: High dive into water / Catch, kill and cook your own dinner

More "MAN!" stuff on the list.  I grew up in the country - of course I've caught, killed and cooked my own dinner.  Of course, I didn't jump off a high dive to catch it.  So subtract a few points there.

As for the high dive thing.  I'm not much of a thrill seeker.  I'm sure jumping out of planes is super fun and everything, but so is a record player and a glass of whiskey.  I'm just in the "being terrified is fun" group.

Besides, jumping out of a plane would probably kill that whole, "clean underwear for a week" thing.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th Part 7

We're getting dangerously close to my 30th birthday and having to come up with a term for the male version of a cougar. Gone will be my boyish good looks, replaced with the salt and pepper wisdom that comes with age.  I wouldn't say I'm getting better looking - I'd saying I'm continuing to be incredible looking in a new way.

So here are the things society (or two random articles my wife found) tells me I need to have and do before I turn 30.

Thing I should have: A toolbox that includes: a hammer, screwdriver, wrench, nails, work gloves.

I enjoy that the person who wrote this article very likely does not have a toolbox.  Why is hammer listed 3 items before nails?  Who really uses nails very often, anyways?  "OH NOES THE SINK BROKE, WHERE ARE MY NAILS?"

And I need A screwdriver?  Just one?  You don't have to be Bob Vila to know that you need a flat head and a Phillips head screwdriver in your toolbox.


Thing I should do: Take a road trip.  Destination anywhere.  Nothing booked along the way but finding lodging where lady luck dictates.

This is everyone's favorite 'rite of passage' for men.  It's like Jack Kerouac poisoned the water supply and even people who haven't read On The Road believe in it unconditionally.

I've never taken a road trip to nowhere.  Because it's unrealistic.  Instead of taking the summer off to road trip across the country to some mystical drug-fueled orgy, I took summer classes and worked.  Then I got a job.  And now I'm married with a kid.

So according to this list - my office job, house in the suburbs, wife, and kid are preventing me from ever maturing.

I'll take it.