Monday, October 25, 2010

Weddings, Wallets and Wisdom

My wedding Saturday - which explains both why I haven't been posting regularlry and why I have uncontrollably sweating for a month straight. Is it hot in here?

But now that the hard part is over (writing the checks) I want to take a minute to reflect on the joy that is wedding planning.


There is an interesting phenomenon that comes with planning a wedding. Things have a way of...adding up.

For instance, if you want to buy a cake, you can easily get quoted for a couple hundred dollars.

But if you want a WEDDING cake? Well now we are talking closer to four figures. And, apparently, it is bad etiquette to write, "Please give money" on it.

Photographer? Let's just say it is more expensive than the portrait studio at Sears. And they wouldn't let us wear matching Christmas sweaters.

I better look like Brad Pitt in these pictures. Well, Brad Pitt 10 years ago. Dude is starting to look like one of those, "What will you look like in 20 years?" pictures. But he started with a picture of Bea Arthur and THEN had it aged.

And that doesn't even include the flowers, the invitations (I suggested using, the dress and dinner.

You add the word "wedding" in front of anything and it is an automatic 200% write-up.

But the word "wedding" isn't even the most expensive one I've run into. In fact, "wedding" is practically CHEAP compared to another word that I've been hearing a lot lately -


I you, Honey.

Crap, that one is going to cost me.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Caption Contest - Winners!

Thank you to everyone who submitted captions. I was called Green Goblin, Alex Ovechkin, Green Hornet and Bono. Which, as the Lady Friend can attest, are all people I also enjoy being during role play.

I realize I don't blog much anymore so it was humbling for so many people to take time out of their day to make fun of me on the internet. I'm touched.

On to our winner -

"It's like Bono, only Irish."

Get it?

Because Bono IS Irish?

What can I say, I move in mysterious ways.

That wonderful caption came from Twitter - and the author was none other than common commenter here at the 'Neck, @zwinggi

His lucky self and one guest will be attending Brewzilla as part of Cleveland Beer Week. An amazing event that is like a week long pre-game for my wedding. Like P90X for my liver.

So congrats to @Zwinggi and thank you to all who participated. You boosted and crushed my confidence all at the same time.

And thank you to the wonderful people at Cleveland Beer Week for sponsoring this competition. It is truly a wonderful event and shows off a lot of Cleveland's great traits - as well as their alcoholism.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Caption Contest - Beer Me

The only way beer could be any better is if there was a way to put gravy on it.

Luckily I've got a fiancee for that.

Perhaps I've said too much...

The good news is that the Cuyahoga river will run brown with beer (wait, that's just sludge) for Cleveland Beer Week beginning this Friday, Rocktober 15th.

And because I love you, I've got two tickets for the Brewzilla event on Saturday, Rocktober 23rd at the Galleria at Erieview. Tickets are normally $50 so you don't even want to know who I had to sleep with to get my hands on these.

What is Brewzilla? A collection of beer, sandwiches, cheese and chocolate. I'm assuming there was legal trouble serving boobies because they nailed the other four things on my top five. But no one is perfect. Over 80 different breweries will be present as well as food pairings from Heinens and the Winking Lizard.

Obviously only local Clevelanderites can win these tickets - but I encourage everyone to participate in the contest because I said so and I'm really good looking.

Here's what you do - write a funny caption for the picture below. If you are a Cleveland local, just add #HappyInCLE after your caption. Be sure to include your email so I can contact you.

Winner will be announced on Friday to celebrate the beginning of Beer Week (and the end of my sobriety).

Non-Clevelandonianese people that want to add a funny caption, feel free to do so. I'll still giggle like a little school girl when I read them - but the best I can give you is an online pat on the back. Maybe I'll squeeze a cheek and tell you you're pretty while I'm at it.

Remember - local Clevelanders include the #HappyInCLE and your email.

Winners announced Friday. Except for me - I'm a winner and I'll announce that whenever the hell I want. Suck it.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Losers Weepers

While watching my beloved Dolphins get so embarrased on Monday Night Football that even William Hung was like, "Wow, you guys aren't living that one down", I realized something.

I know what would happen if one of my favorite sports teams won a championship.

I would weep like a little baby.

To see the Miami Dolphins holding up that super bowl trophy and seeing the field covered in their god awful colors of aqua and orange would be too much for me.

If the Cleveland Indians somehow pulled off a miracle and won the World Series I would first assume that the world was ending, and then resign myself to the fact my last moments would be spent in the fetal position clutching my Grady Sizemore bobble head doll.

I've played these thoughts out 1,000 times. I think constantly about what I would do, where I would be. Other kids pretend they are the guy hitting the last second jump shot to win the game - I imagine I am in the stands and pull off the perfect first pump / throaty scream / non-beer spill. It would be epic.

But what if my team lost? What if they got that close and then choked (a fairly real area of concern here in Cleveland).

I have no plan for that. I have no idea what my reaction would entail. If winning leads to crying - what strange beast awaits the loser?

Part of me thinks I'd just crap my pants. Literally just fill 'em with mud. Like I'd be sitting on the edge of my seat in anticipation and as I see that game winning field goal go through I would just turd it out.

Or maybe I would just snap and go into a fit of anger - Red Ross style. I'd punch walls and scream and yell and the neighbors would probably call the police because I would sound like a small boy being attacked by a parakeet.

But in the end, I would probably cry then, too.

I mean, that's what happened as I watched another horrible loss, poor Leo DiCaprio in the movie Titanic.