Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Got It Licked

I have a cold.

Which means that you should stop what you are doing and feel bad for me.

But being sick does have one huge advantage - you get to rewrite the rules on ownership.

I'm talking even bigger than "Finders Keepers".

If I see something I like? I just lick it. Bam. Owned. No one wants that shit when it has Mad Cow germs on it.

Have a banana on your desk? Licked.

New pen? Licked.

See a little kid holding an ice cream cone? Lick him. Now you have kids AND ice cream.

It's the law. If someone tries to call the cops, just lick their phone. Problem solved.

And if anyone questions what you are doing - just tell them you are sick.

I don't think they'll argue.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Tough Guy

I know I claim to be a redneck, but if I am being honest, I'm actually a big sissy-pants.

I might have the lowest pain threshold of anyone on earf. I could get hurt in a game of peek-a-boo.

Which makes me rather annoying around the house.

One time I hit my funny bone and had to call off work for a week. Which at first seems ridiculous, but how was I supposed to bring the Hospice workers into my office?

For me, a common cold is a natural disaster. Don't even get me started on running out of tissues with the aloe in them. Red nose = Red Dawn.

But just because I don't like physical pain, don't mean I'm not tough in other ways.

It's like the saying goes, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

Unless you mention my weight. I'm a little sensitive about that. I mean, I know I've put on a few pounds but I still think I look good. Who are you to talk, anyways?

Great, now I'm going to cry.

Do you have a tissue?

With aloe?

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Monday, April 11, 2011

Reality Bites

I like America.

Really. I do.

But I don't know that I'm all Sarah Palin about it.

I mean if I were to play Bone, Marry, Kill with three countries - say, Canada, the US and France - I'd probably end up marrying Canada.

But I like America.

What I don't know that I like is this whole election thing. It is great in theory - until you realize that you are putting our nation's future in the hands of the same people that make Nickelback one of the most successful bands in music.

These are the same people that voted Allen Iverson into the NBA All-Star game after he played 19 games one year.

These are the same people that watch Two and a Half Men. And laugh.

So excuse me if I'm not all drunk on the Stars and Bars.

I think it is time to revamp the system. Know what America loves?

Reality shows.

Lets make the world's greatest reality show - a mixture of Jeopardy, the Bachelor and Survivor. I want my President to be Ken Jennings with a chiseled jawline and the ability to eat bugs.

Instead of primaries and debates, I want to see my candidates fight over Immunity from the Final Jeopardy Solo Date.

At least that way, we would have some confidence that our elected officials are qualified.

I mean, if Trump and Palin are going to run anyways, at least they would have to eat bugs.

(Editor's Note: I'm a Redneck, of course I love America - the Canada thing was all a joke. I mean, Nickelback is from Canada, and they're the herpes of International Intercourse.)

Monday, April 4, 2011

Juke Nuke'em

Bars are a strange place. It is a place full of people who really don't like each other. Guys don't like the other guys there, girls don't like the other girls there and everyone is jealous of my beard.

Yet, a bar is completely reliant on the group. The entire point of being at the bar is to be around people. Otherwise, people wouldn't think it was weird that I drank alone.

So while everyone at the bar hates everyone else at the bar, there has to be some teamwork.

Which brings us to the juke box. The juke box is an extremely important part of the bar scene. Without a jukebox, girls would have no reason to woo, and what is a bar without woo?

So here are some basic ground rules to running the juke box.

1 - Play a song right away. If there is currently no music playing - play anything. It doesn't matter. People just want noise. Everyone likes AC/DC... EVERYONE. Just throw on 'Hell's Bells' and move on. You can argue with your friends about which Sublime track is the best on your own time.

2 - No sad songs. Don't be stupid - this is bar and people are trying to have fun. I like a lot of sad songs - but I don't need to hear "Mad World" at the bar. The only exception is sing-along songs. "Piano Man" is allowed. But it also brings us to our next point...

3 - Don't jump the gun. I get it, I'm at a bar and I am going to hear Journey. It is part of the whole spectacle. But I WILL stop believin' if you play that song at 8pm. There is a time and a place and a blood-alcohol-level for the classics, and an emtpy bar at 8pm is not that time, place or drink order.

4 - Play to the crowd. I'm an elitist prick when it comes to music. I only like indie bands and shit that isn't on the radio - but that doesn't mean everyone else feels the same way. You can sneak in a few unknown tracks, but never more than two before throwing in something that will elicit a "woooo!". If you want to listen to some indie band and drink beer, do it at home like a normal loser.

5 - Have some variety. Everyone has a favorite band - but that is no excuse to play five of their songs in a row at the bar. This also goes for all genre's that fall outside of the "classic rock" catalogue. Sure, you can slip in a Hank Williams song and get by with it - but three in a row and the bartender is skipping that shit and running your tab all night. And you deserve it.

6 - Know your surroundings. If you are at a dive bar, stay away from Britney Spears. If you are at a club, you can probably avoid the Grateful Dead. If you are at my house and I hear one chord of a Nickelback song I'll call your mother and tell her what a disappointment you turned out to be. Which brings us to our last rule...

7 - Never play Nickelback. You wouldn't want to make your mother cry.