I have a cold.
Which means that you should stop what you are doing and feel bad for me.
But being sick does have one huge advantage - you get to rewrite the rules on ownership.
I'm talking even bigger than "Finders Keepers".
If I see something I like? I just lick it. Bam. Owned. No one wants that shit when it has Mad Cow germs on it.
Have a banana on your desk? Licked.
New pen? Licked.
See a little kid holding an ice cream cone? Lick him. Now you have kids AND ice cream.
It's the law. If someone tries to call the cops, just lick their phone. Problem solved.
And if anyone questions what you are doing - just tell them you are sick.
I don't think they'll argue.