Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Crowd Pleaser

Professional athletes are incredible. Every time I go to a professional sporting event I can't help but be in awe of how good they are.

Not at their sport, but to not just sit there and people watch the entire time.

The funny fat kid who is dancing on the jumbotron.

The drunk girl in the low-cut top that is falling all over the place.

The guy in the mullet and basketball jersey with no shirt underneath.

All of them - right there, right in the open - and nothing.

They don't even flinch.

They don't even laugh when fans yell something hysterical or boo when the jumbotron shows a Yankees logo.

How many hours of training does this take? Do they watch film on all the greatest people watching there is, just to become numb to the entire experience?

They have front row seats to America's freak show and focus 100% on their jobs.

But I bet if they had internet access they would still spend their entire day reading blogs.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Train Wreck

Welp, I've gotta murder someone.

Awkward, right? I'm not really the murderin' type. Besides that once. Wait, do strippers even count?

Anyone who has been watching the NBA playoffs has undoubtedly seen the Samsung 3D TV commercial. And then heard that god awful song.

The first time it is ok. You might tap your fit. You might enjoy it.

The second time - ok this is a bit annoying but there is no way this station will play this commercial every single commercial break for the next 6 hours of basketball, right?

Wrongo bongo.

Instead they are going to bludgeon you to death with this commercial. They are going to punch you in the face with catchy "woooo-ooooo"'s.

They're going to play a TRAIN song.

Here is my plea - I will buy the damn TV if you STOP PLAYING THE COMMERCIAL.

I don't need a new TV - and sure as hell don't need a 3D TV. Just what I need - to be stuck on the couch while the Lady Friend watches Kendra in 3D.

But I will do this - because I hate that commercial than I hate anything. Maybe even Wanda Sykes.

Thursday, April 22, 2010


I've been pretty hard on Nickelback here at the 'Neck. I mean, yes, they are a completely talentless waste of overprocessed rock cliches forced down our throats by record executives who realize that with enough repetition, you can force-feed a public that has been brainwashed from accepting anything new and innovative.

But other than that - it is just a couple of douche-bags in a rock band. Nothing new there. I was once in a completely horrible rock band that relied on cliche and imitation - if the cards had fallen another way maybe I would be Chad Kroeger and he would be some blogger making fun of me all the time. Too bad for him, he'd still be ugly.

So with all my hatred for Nickelback in full force, I think I have found someone to unseat them as "Most Horrible Thing Since The Boy Band Era".


Wanda Sykes.

I've been sitting here thinking about anything that could possibly be worse than Wanda Sykes -

Helping a friend move a pull-out couch to his new apartment on the 14th floor.
Girls with small boobies.
Having a runny nose and nothing to wipe it so you use your sleeve and then it dries and is really gross.
Anything done by Tyler Perry.
Two and Half Men.
People who digress from stories and talk about people I don't know, and therefore don't care about.
Justin Beiber.



Those things all suck. But not as much as Wanda Sykes.

Help me out - name something that could possibly be worse than sitting through a full hour of Wanda Sykes stand-up routine.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Wedding Woes

I've been a horrible blogger the last two weeks. Apparently no one told me that planning a wedding was more fun than trying to set the clock on a VCR. (Some of you kids might not get that one - go back to Farmville and leave this old man alone.)

Or as the Lady Fiancee puts it -

Me - "Just because we are planning a wedding doesn't mean we aren't allowed to have fun until it's over."

Her - "YES IT DOES!"

If you need me I'll be addressing invitations and planning centerpieces.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


You'll never believe what happened.

I was listening to the radio the other day and a rap song came on talking about money and girls. Then, right after that ANOTHER RAP SONG CAME ON ABOUT THE SAME THING!

What are the odds? If those rappers knew this happened they would be SO embarrassed.

So I changed the channel and heard a country song about living in a small town. Next song? ALSO ABOUT LIVING IN A SMALL TOWN! What are the odds? I wonder if they were from the same small town!

After that I decided to listen to a rock station. The first song sounded like some guy who was angry at his Dad for not hugging him. Next song? You guessed it. ALSO ANGRY ABOUT HIS DAD. I wonder if the singers were brothers? Was it the same Dad? What a famous family.

Man, I think I'll stick to TV. I just hope if I search long enough I can find some shows about hospitals or cops.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Bathroom Pride

I use Head and Shoulders shampoo.

I don't know why. Maybe I don't like dandruff, or maybe I'm just really uncreative.

But I also love cheap things. My worlds should collide in a rainbow of awesome for the Target brand generic version of Head and Shoulders.

But no.

They named it, "Dandruff Shampoo".

I don't want that in my shower. I don't need my guests seeing that in there and judging me, or my hygiene.

Why wouldn't they name it something much more user friendly?

When I buy cotton swabs that aren't Q-Tips they aren't called, "Earwax Removers".

Off-brand Kleanex aren't named "Snot Receptacles".

And lip balm that isn't made by Chapstick is not named, "Herpe Lip Preventer".

Nope. Target wants me to look like the stinky kid. I think people would be less grossed out if I left an open bottle of Valtrex on the bathroom sink. Maybe something with the words, "open sores" in the product details. Or a Nickelback CD.

So I am shamed into spending the extra $2 to get the name-brand because of foolish pride.

I'm so embarrassed I could cry. Now where did I leave that box of snot receptacles?

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Ninjas, Tater Tots, OCD

If I had one piece of advice for loving couples who are thinking about moving in together it would be this -


You see, while 99% of the time things are peachy-keen, by letting a woman this close into your life she discovers your weaknesses.

Before we lived together I was like some handsome super hero. I would show up, be punctual, charming, have a beard and be an all around woo machine. Then, I could go home and let out all of my weird little quirks and no one would know. I mean, I'm not a mass murderer who wears the skin of his victims around the house - but sometimes instead of walking down the stairs I jump all the way down and then do a ninja kick-punch combination. I'm lethal.

So now that the Lady Friend has infiltrated the Bat Cave, she has discovered my kryptonite and become quite the joker.

You see, I have some off habits. Her favorite? During a meal, I make sure that at the very end, I have exactly one bite of each course, as well as exactly one sip of my drink left.

It takes some careful planning. I love tater tots and don't really like the green beans - but I have to eat them in equal portions so that they both reach the finish line at the end. Then I wash it all down with that last, delicious sip.

But the Lady Friend is on to me. She watches me eat, she calculates exactly when I what pace I am at and then - BAM - she takes a sip of my drink.

This obviously sends me into a spiral of despair. Now I have to recalculate the entire order of my dinner - I won't get to take a drink when the normally scheduled drink would happen and am left to push my green beans around my plate, wondering if life is really worth all the hassle.

And the worst part is the satisfied smile on her face when she sees my world fall apart around her. She sits, all content, eating the last of her tater tots without a care in the world.

Pretty cocky for a girl sitting so close to a ninja.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Bird Call

I've been watching "Life" on the Discovery channel because I am a giant nerd and was probably watching the Discovery channel anyways, but since a popular show came on now I can pretend like I'm cool.

If you don't know what "Life" is, you better get one! BURN!

Anyways, it is pretty much just like "Planet Earth" but less cool and more Oprah-y. Instead of just giving obscure facts and showing pictures that make my ridiculously awesome plasma TV outrank my girlfriend in my life, "Life" adds puns. Like when talking about birds and saying, "this bird is low in the pecking order". Get it? Because Oprah is a pecker?

(Side note - haven't called anyone a pecker in at least 13 years. It feels good. Real good.)

Last night they talked about birds. I have a love hate relationship with birds. I grew up in the country, so I am one of 6 people under the age of 65 to have ever participated in bird watching. For you city kids, imagine bum watching, but with less garbage and scratching themselves.

So even with my extensive bird knowledge, I still find them to be completely filthy disgusting animals. When was the last time you saw a group of birds and wanted to run and frolic with them? They are like the anti-puppy. (Editors note - penguins do not fall into this same category. I am convinced they aren't birds, but nature's comic relief).

And so last night, I watched a program that was more or less a slow-motion play-by-play of those damn things "feeding" each other.

Which means their parents go binge eat and then puke all over their babies.

Who decided that was ok? Was god just like, "Shit, I don't know what to do with these things. How about the parents are bulimic and the babies are trying out for 2girls1cup the sequel?"

Somewhere a frat house was watching this and were PUMPED. "Dude, that robin parties so hard. I bet he gets a TON of chicks."

Whoops. Ok, maybe this pun thing is kind of fun.