Monday, June 29, 2009

Happy Birthday To Me

Well today is my birfday. And I'm gonna party like its my birfday. Or like a Tuesday. A Tuesday that I have to work the next day and am kind of broke. And get headaches whenever I drink a few beers and I really don't need a headache going into a Wednesday...because Wednesdays kind of suck anyways, right? Right?

So it's my birfday.

Which got me thinking - lets take a look at the "important" birthdays - the ones that give you more than a good pick up line and a hangover.

First birthday - Fucking rules. Why? Because you get to shit yourself. I would pay good money to be able to poop myself with no repercussions - like shame and an extra load of laundry. Diapers rule.

Fifth Birthday - You probably get a sweet theme party at Chuck E Cheese. Plus when you are a kid and it's your birthday you pretty much get to do whatever you want. If some kid is playing with your train you can be all like, "Fuck you, kid - that's my train and I'll bust you up." I grew up in the streets.

13th Birthday - PG-13 movies! Boobies and cuss words and Nicholas Cage! You are on top of the world at 13.

16th Birthday - Sweet sixteen. Finally getting the keys to the car and still thing it is cool to lean WAY back in the seats and crank the music. Lots of guys never grow out of this phase.

18th Birthday - PORN! And Lottery tickets. And cigarettes. And porn. And R rated movies that are a lot like porn. Oh, and voting. I guess that is important.

21st Birthday - Your liver and your wallet will never be the same. This is the birthday that everyone looks forward to and no one remembers. When I look at a calendar of June 30th, 2004 there is actually just a black box. That day never happened in my world.

26th Birthday - My age as of today and also the year your car insurance goes down! What could possibly be more exciting than that?

40th Birthday - Over the hill. Your kids will probably buy you a tie or some tool you'll never use and everyone at work will make a big deal. balloons...because I'm old...I get it. Thanks for the pick me up.

80th Birthday - Fucking rules. Why? Because you get to shit yourself.

So there you have it - all of the important birthdays. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go renew my license plates. Party!

Foxy Lady

I gotta get something off my chest - and I know I am not going to make a lot of friends.

I don't think Megan Fox is the hottest woman on the planet.

Wait - before you throw rotten vegetables let me explain.

I love brunettes. Love them. I wrote off blondes a long time ago and never looked back.

And tattoos? Tattoos are like a golden ticket to my heart. Or my pants. But my Mom reads this so lets stick with my heart. Tattoos on a girl is the sexiest thing this side of bacon. Mmmm, bacon flavored girl.

But Megan Fox kind of looks like she is made out of plastic. Like she is a mannequin. An anatomically correct mannequin.

That doesn't mean I would kick her out of bed for eating crackers.

Megan Fox, I mean. Not the mannequin.

Oh who am I kidding - either one.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

WyW on Thursday - Political Edition

With all this news of politicians sticking their "business" where they don't belong I thought it was time for us to stand up and scream at these assholes -


That's right - it's time for everyone's favorite game -

WOULD YA WEDNESDAY - The Political Edition

Or as Fox News calls it - Liberals Are Sluts.

Our first contestant is Sarah Palin. She got all kinds of credit last year for being the hottest VP candidate ever. What an honor. Her competition was Al Gore. I never understood everyone going crazy over her - but I guess when you stand next to John McCain's robot skeleton for 6 months anything can start to look hot. She didn't exactly excite my conservative base. I was going to write more about her but David Letterman is standing on the other side of my computer waving his arms and mouthing "NOOOOO!" so I am guessing I should stop here.

Second is Slick Willy Clinton. Ladies love Bill Clinton. This is another one I don't get - ok he is charming and powerful and all that - but he hooked up with MONICA LEWINSKI. I thought girls were turned off by guys that hooked up with ugly girls - isn't that the whole premise of this game? Don't ruin this for me. I need this. Think about it ladies, if you hooked up with Bill, you would be compared to Monica Lewinski for the rest of your life. He could name the girls he hooked up with and it would go: Hillary, Monica Lewinski, you. Wow. Great company. The only way it could get worse is if he included the cast of the Facts of Life.

For those of you just bursting on to the scene here are the rules: I nominate two people and you tell me if you would register their independent or remove them from office.

Sarah Palin

Bill Clinton

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

It's Nudie Magazine Day!

I don't know if you keep up with the news, Reader, but since I am so sophisticated, I know that the economy is taking a dump right now.

Everyone is freaking out - how do we fix it, where do we get more jobs, how do we lower the deficit, how does Narm get his beard to always look so handsome?

There are no easy answers.

But as we move forward we need to model ourselves after those industries and companies that have found ways to survive these tough times.

And at the top of that list is Playboy.

Think about it - this is a magazine that has given you the EXACT SAME thing for 56 years and guys still go crazy over it. Over the articles...I mean...Lady Friend...if you are reading. Naked girls in Playboy is ALMOST as consistent as articles in Cosmo titled "drive him wild in the bedroom!" It is like Old Faithful. I know that any given week I can go to the store, buy a Playboy and look at boobies...I mean "articles". It is one of the few constants in my life.

But that isn't the amazing part. The amazing part is that we are constantly on the internet - constantly able to look up any of the weirdest, kinkiest, nakednessest porn in the world. In fact, we can look up the exact same pictures that are IN Playboy, on the internet. Or we can look up some crazy fetish site where a naked girl wears a sombrero and rides a lion. It's out there. TRUST ME.

Yet Playboy keeps on selling and Hugh Hefner keeps on dating ridiculously good looking..."articles"...every year.

How does this work?

Why can't we get Obama on this? Screw seeing him give speeches to Congress - I want to see Obama in a bathrobe and two blondes girls so packed with silicon they could pass for Stretch Armstrong. I want to invite Kim Jong-Il to the Playboy mansion and see him playing volleyball with Kid Rock and Carrot Top. He'll take some champagne from one of the girls dressed up as a French maid and look at Obama and be like, "What are we doing with all these nuclear weapons? You are no different than me! Let's drink and creepily look at boobies together!"


World Peace.

And all it took was boobies.


All it took was articles.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

And Your Dog Ate All Your Homework Last Night

In lieu of a real post today, I am instead going to list my top 5 favorite Saved by the Bell episodes as inspired by recent rumors that they would be reuniting via Jimmy Fallon -

5 - The one where the sleazy guy sells Zach fake class rings so they make Screech look like a badass in the karate outfit. Though after what we know about Mario Lopez now, Screech kicking his ass seems more likely.

4 - The one where Kelly starts dating Jeff and breaks up with Zach at the picnic table outside of prom. What a bitch. Call me.

3 - The one where the students get to be teachers and Kelly makes all the football players take a test during the big Valley v Bayside game. She makes up for it by putting smiley face stickers on their tests. Also one of my favorite scenes ever when Zach tells the final score and they roll the cheesiest football game footage ever. Like not only did Kelly hold them from the game - she also made them travel back to the 70's for the game.

2 - The one where they go to the toga party and get wasted - then end up wrecking their car. I learned a lot from this episode - togas are never ok.

1 - The one where Zach is stuck in detention so he can't win the tickets to Hawaii from the radio show. It gets pretty intense when he dresses a skeleton up as himself and sneaks out of detention - having Screech distract Mr Belding by cutting his bonsai tree. Newer shows like 24 could take a few lessons on how to create drama and make the viewer's heart race.

And in response to Chris's Twitter yesterday - no way is Lisa hotter than Kelly.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Safety First

The following transcript is an exact conversation between a friend of mine and a random girl at a baseball game.

Friend - Hey after the game we are heading to the Flats, want to join?

Random Girl - Ok, but you have to pinky swear not to rape me.

Friend - Haha

Random Girl - No, I'm serious.

I am fairly certain the pinky swear is the worst of all anti-rape methods. I think the only method worse than that is to roofie yourself and play dead.

I'm not making light of rape - I am just hoping that girls understand that they aren't a pinky swear away from safety. "No means no" does not have a pinky swear clause that I'm aware of. What an extremely serious issue to simplify down to a pinky swear. It's like taking a pinky swear from North Korea about their nuclear weapons.

But even beyond that - who brings up rape to a guy they're flirting with. I felt like my friends and I were the worst people on earf that this poor girl wouldn't even talk to my buddy without a pinky swear for safety. I mean we aren't the best looking guys in the world but I can promise we aren't THAT sleezy.

A promise isn't enough?

How about a pinky swear?

Thursday, June 18, 2009

WyW - Short People Got No Reason To Live

I'm short for time today so we're going to make this a quickie. I'm not sure how that would be different than normal except I can pretend like I meant it this time.

But today we're not talking about short frames of time, short attention spans or even Martin Short.

We're talking about short people.

So drop your morals and reach for the sky - or the kitchen counter, midget.

That's right it is time for Would Ya Wednesday - the game where size doesn't matter, except for on my arms. Look at these things - it looks like someone tied a giant ham to each one of my arms.

Our first contestant is Tom Cruise. I'm scared to make any jokes because scientologists have black magic on their side. And by black magic I mean lots of money. Tommy went from 80's heart throb to 90's mega star to creepy guy on the street corner with a sign that says, "The End is Near". OH! He meant his CAREER. Now I get it.

Our female contestant is Danielle Fishel - aka - Topenga from Boy Meets World. What a hard name to scream out during genital wrestling - "OH TOPENGA!" It sounds like you are screaming Jenga! Like in the middle of it she is going to fall down and everyone is going to laugh and scream "Topenga!" Anyways she has a new show called The Dish which is just like The Soup but with more "Oh my gawd". I to watch it...once...hey look over there - is that a dinosaur? *runs away*

If you are new to WyW here are the rules - I put up two celebrities and you tell me if you would give them the long and short of it or if it is too much of a reach.

Tom Cruise

Danielle Fishel

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Celebate Good Times, C'Mon!

The Lady Friend is heading out for a 24 day excursion to Europe - which I assume is somewhere close to Texas. The only map I own is from an amusement park that is broken into "Happy Fun Land" and "Adventureville". And bathrooms - but I think those are more like states than actual countries.

My point is - I am without The Girl for over three weeks. Seeing as how I am completely whipped - this is going to be a bit of an adventure. I'm going to have to do things like "laundry" and "cleaning" and "dressing myself". Here is a list of the top 3 things I plan to accomplish during Man Time.

1 - Work out. Not regularly. Just once. I'm going to pretend like I do it all the time, though. Maybe I'll wear a cut off shirt. I'm not going to run or ride a bike or anything though because that sucks ass and in no way blasts my pecs. I'm not even too sure I'll do any real lifting. I'll definitely walk around pretending to stretch and drink Gatorade or Vitamin Water or whatever it is tough guys drink. Bear spit? You tell me, Reader.

2 - Not wear pants for an entire day. My guess would be a Sunday. I'll wake up with the weight of a billionty Crown and Cokes from the night before and take a stand against pants. For good measure I'll scratch myself and burp as loud as I can. Then I'll objectify women and talk about sports. In between watching cheesy chick flicks on TBS I'll make idle threats to actually get up and do something, but then "What Women Want" will come on and I'll sit back down and scratch myself.

3 - Eat a meal that consists of two fast food restaurants. Instead of cooking I'm going to get Arby's mozzarella sticks, Wendy's chili, a KFC Famous Bowl and McDonald's fries. Maybe a Chipotle burrito with a side of a Subway $5 footlong. It is going to take me 2 1/2 hours to drive to every single place I want to go. I might have to write off an entire day just to mapping and securing each fast food meal.

Which has me thinking...

I bet I could do that without pants.

See? I've already learned to multi-task.

Backstage Pass

I might be the most pathetic person on earf.

I listen to a lot of bands that aren't, what's the word, "popular." But that doesn't stop me from gushing like a little school girl when I see them.

I'll be one of ten people at a show and yet when it is over and the singer is sitting at the bar I'll stare at him like he is some kind of zoo animal. I would shove Brad Pitt down to get a handshake from Craig Finn. Megan Fox would have to hold my beer as I gushed over Tift Merritt. I stood next to Jason Isbell in a record store one time and got so awkward I didn't realize I was holding an Abba record.

I'm about one step away from asking the homeless guy that plays the bongos on my street for an autograph and a picture. It is totally going to be my Facebook profile picture. I can't believe he touched my hand!!! I'm never washing it again.

Which brings us to the Hold Steady concert last night. While talking to The Lady Friend about my love for all things Hold Steady, I compared it to her favorite band, U2.

Me - "Seeing the Hold Steady for me is like when you get to see U2."

Lady Friend - "Except for the part where I have dirty thoughts about the lead singer."

Me - *Blink*

Lady Friend - "My boyfriend is a groupie."

I wish.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Mmmm, Bop

I know we on the blogosphere enjoy referencing Chris Hansen of "To Catch a Predator" on Dateline. At one time or another we have all made a kiddie-porn joke. Mostly because we are sick, sick perverts.

That being said, ever notice that he is kind of a prick?

I mean, I get that he is talking to dudes who are trying to make whoopee with 12 yr olds and stuff, but seriously, Chris, you don't have to get all judgmental.

The cookie thing is the worst. This guy thought he was getting some sweet young ass, and now you are trying to force a cookie down his throat? Don't act like you just baked those, either, we all know you paid $3.99 at the local grocery and they taste like cardboard. They may be pedophiles but that doesn't mean they don't know a good cookie when they see one.

Then he starts reading all the creepy shit these guys wrote in the chat. What guy hasn't said some ridiculous shit to a girl to get laid? I sure as hell don't want someone reading back, verbatim, the things I say to my girlfriend. Especially when he reads them like a judge reading a sentence. "I want to cover you in red hots and call you 'Shazam'" sounds a lot hotter when I say it in my sexy voice. Don't ruin this for me, Chris!

Then he lets the guy go, thinking he is free and as soon as he walks outside some cop hits him like a linebacker. These guys are all 5'6" 145 lbs and have mustaches - I don't think you need to bring in The Hulk to tackle him. My grandma could arrest most of these guys.

And finally, I realize the guys he is talking so say some dirty shit - but Chris is the one pretending to be a 12 yr old girl and chatting with a 40 yr old guy about sex. I've read those transcripts before - and they sound more like the lyrics to an LL Cool J song than an online chat. I've seen porn that was cleaner than the shit he writes about.

I'd like to meet Chris Hansen and tell him to lighten up, have a little more fun. Maybe we could even have "game night" at his house.

But he better bake some real fucking cookies.


Thursday, June 11, 2009

WyW - Full House Edition

Ever watch Full House and just think to yourself - "I'd hit that"?

How rude.

That's right, it's time for everyone's favorite exercise in pedophilia -

WOULD YA WEDNESDAY - Full House Edition

Where just like in Full House - the more characters you add, the better (who let Comet in here?)

Our first contestant - John Stamos. Part of me wants to like John Stamos because he kind of seems like what Charlie Sheen wishes he was. He looks like the kind of guy that goes to the bar, gets entirely too wasted and then brings home some 19 yr old Swedish bikini model. Charlie Sheen looks like he is the guy that walks up to a circle of people at a party and they slowly try to close the circle away from him so he'll get the hint and go talk to someone else. Another part of me wants to hate John Stamos because marrying him made Rebecca Romijn change her name to Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and it was just THAT much more work to find topless pictures of her on the internet.

Second - Mary-Kate Olsen. I'm pretty sure she is the crazy Olsen, right? The one that killed Heath Ledger? The one that is always wearing rugs and not eating? Everyone freaked out when the Olsens turned 18 but I never really got the whole obsession - they always wear those giant sunglasses that make them look like bugs. I've had some weird fetishes but never really felt like getting busy with a bug. I guess all those arms would be nice - but let me tell you, there is NOTHING sexy about an exoskeleton.

For those of you new to WyW the rules are simple - I put up two celebrities and you tell me if you would do things to them that Bob Saget can only dream about or tell them to

John Stamos

Mary Kate Olsen

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Open Wide

Ok, I get it. I should be grown up by now. But this is still kind of funny, right?

I hope the person who wrote this did it tongue-in-cheek. No one is this naive.

In other news, I have a new pickup line.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Only The Good Die Young

Jimi Hendrix
Kurt Cobain
Janis Joplin
Jim Morrison

All hugely famous and incredibly talented artists who died at age 27.

I turn 26 at the end of this month.

That means I have a year and change to enjoy life before the curse of ridiculously famous virtuosos strikes me down.

I feel like I have so much more to give! What if I die and no one ever knows my true feeling for Nickelback - that they suck.

But other than the whole death thing, I also feel immense pressure. Three out of four of the people listed died of heroin and the other one died of a self-inflicted gun shot wound while insanely hopped up on heroin.

That doesn't leave much room for creativity.

And not only do I not do heroin but I HATE needles. I would be a horrible drug addict. I would have to look the other way and count to ten every time I wanted to shoot up and then cry until the other drug addicts put a Batman band-aid on the hole.

I tried to find away around this - like dating a female super hero so I could say I was doing heroine, or naming my car heroin and then driving off of a cliff.

But I also realize that I need to leave a legacy - and though I aim to please, I just don't think I have it in me to start shooting up with heroin all the time. I've seen heroin addicts and they are crazy skinny. If doing heroin means giving up bacon, then my heart belongs to bacon.

It's better to fatten up than to fade away.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Nobody Move! This is a Cookout!

Apparently I am the patron saint of grilled animals. In the last two weekends I have been invited to no less than 8 cookouts.

PETA is going to come after me harder than Michael Vick pretty soon. Historians will look back and blame a meteor for the extinction of dinosaurs and Narm for the extinction of cows and whatever animal brats are made out of. I assume hot dogs.

Now, as a guy, I realize that the cookout is a strategic endeavor. You don't want to get stuck on the picnic table in the shade with the older crowd talking about people you don't know. You also don't want some parent to pawn their kid off on you while they go drink heavily and regret their decision to reproduce. Finally - and this is tempting - beware of the overly competitive yard game crowd. This seems like an innocent way to meet people, but in the end you just end up pissing everyone off because you can't get the stupid bean bag in the stupid hole and now you feel like that time in grade school you got picked last in gym class and then the bully gave you a wedgie.

Sorry about that. Flashback. I still feel bad for giving that kid a wedgie.

Now guys, I know what you are thinking - the only safe spot is to take over running the grill.

You are wrong.

Now everyone is mad. The burgers are too done, they aren't done enough - why isn't the food ready, why did you make so many hot dogs when everyone wanted burgers, grandma wants a burger without cheese - you are suddenly the focal point of the entire cookout's anger.

No, the only safe spot at a cookout is the Cheese Man. This is the guy who puts cheese on the burgers. He gets to stand next to the grill, thus saving him from any real conversational danger, but is also not responsible for any ACTUAL cooking.

The Cheese Man has two main jobs - cheesing burgers and drinking excessively.

Wait, Grandma didn't want cheese?

Aw shit.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

WyW on Thursday - Baby Makin' Edition

Instead of talking about the birds and the bee's, today we're talking about the P's and the V's.

That's right, it's time for everyone's favorite game -


Where just leaving a comment might make you preggo.

Today's contestants are baby makin' machines. She has confused her uterus for a clown car and just keeps shoving more babies in there. His little swimmers all look like Michael Phelps - except without that weird down syndrome thing.

First up, Kate Gosselin of Jon and Kate Plus 8. If I were on the show they would have to change it to Kate Plus 8 1/2. Get it? Get it? It was a penis joke. Anyways - this girl has cranked out eight kids and still, honestly, doesn't look bad. I imagine having sex with her would feel like throwing a hot dog down a hallway or getting busy with a bowl of hot soup - not to mention if you so much as text the girl she is already knocked up with twins. It might be worth it just to see what happens to her hair during sex. Does it move? You might be able to file the entire event under "scientific experiment".

Second, maker of seven little anti-Semites himself, Mel Gibson. "Mad Max" has cranked out seven babies and then left his wife for some young piece of ass. Classy. Mel Gibson is charming in the way Hugh Jackman is charming - it is so obviously an act you know there is some crazy kinky shit going on at home. But I'll give it to Mel, every time "What Women Want" comes on TV I am glued to TBS all afternoon. Helen Hunt AND Marissa Tomei? Yes please. Not to mention if I knew what women were thinking I could finally know when they were letting loose with those farts only dogs can hear. THEN we'll see who is a pig.

If you don't know the rules they are simple - I conceive two celebrities and you tell me whether you would make them scream for their mommy. Just so we are all clear, I am talking about sex. Would you sex them up. If not, give a reason why or how many drinks it would take to make bad decisions.

Kate Gosselin -

Mel Gibson -

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

No P'ing

I'm trying to buy a house and let me tell you something - it SUCKS. You gotta check the number of bedrooms, bathrooms, new windows, new furnace, insulation, square footage, does it have character?, a yard?, closet space?

Then you find the perfect house and it is in the exact wrong location.

I've walked through damn near 30 houses and there is only one thing I am REALLY looking for - a urinal.

Urinals fucking rule. It takes the thinking out of peeing. You just slap a hand on the wall, lean over and let 'er rip. No worry about missing the pot or splatter on the seat - just mindless urination.

What's that ladies? You want me to put the seat down? How about you put your shut up down - I've got a urinal and I don't follow the rules.

Why aren't urinals standard? Think about all the water we could save by installing urinals in our homes. I'm not thinking of myself, here, I'm thinking about the earf. I'm going to stick my carbon footprint up all you toilet users' asses.

Now I just need to get rich so I can build my own house with urinals everywhere. I imagine all my neighbors will be running over every time they have to pee just so they can use them. I will be king of the neighborhood. The Mr Rogers of bathrooms.

You are all invited - when I get rich and build my own house I'll throw a huge housewarming party. It'll be a bash - kegs, water bottles, coffee, pop - and of course, urinal cake.

Getting High

I'm a 5'10" unathletic white guy. I'm not good at any sports. Unless sarcasm is a sport. Then I am decent at one sport.

What this means is that when I getting a big running start and jump as high as I can - I get about six inches off the ground. It is something to behold - not everyday you get to see a man completely defeated and embarrassed.

Being a small white guy, I am also entirely too into sports. It's what we do - follow sports and talk about our 401k. You may think it is lame but I'll tell you what is lame - Ben Wallace's free throw percentage. Right? Right?

The combination of being unable to do anything athletic yet obsess over other people's athletic feats makes me wonder what it must be like to jump 47 feet in the air like Lebron James. I can't even see that far without squinting or getting my glasses. I would have to stop and get a hotel to break the trip up if I tried to even walk as far as he can jump.

Which brings me to the point of this post -

I want to jump as high as Lebron James just once.

I don't want to be able to do it forever. I don't want to be Lebron James. I don't want to suddenly be good at anything. I just want to jump like him once.

I will be getting ready to play a pick-up game at the gym and when I get picked last because I am a short white guy I will just grab the ball, run over, jump from across the street, through the door, past the drinking fountain and then dunk it.

Then I'll look back and be all like, "Nevermind, I don't want to play - I've gotta go diversify my portfolio."

Monday, June 1, 2009


Me: Remember to mind your P's and Q's.

Lady Friend: Mind your P and my V!