Well today is my birfday. And I'm gonna party like its my birfday. Or like a Tuesday. A Tuesday that I have to work the next day and am kind of broke. And get headaches whenever I drink a few beers and I really don't need a headache going into a Wednesday...because Wednesdays kind of suck anyways, right? Right?
So it's my birfday.
Which got me thinking - lets take a look at the "important" birthdays - the ones that give you more than a good pick up line and a hangover.
First birthday - Fucking rules. Why? Because you get to shit yourself. I would pay good money to be able to poop myself with no repercussions - like shame and an extra load of laundry. Diapers rule.
Fifth Birthday - You probably get a sweet theme party at Chuck E Cheese. Plus when you are a kid and it's your birthday you pretty much get to do whatever you want. If some kid is playing with your train you can be all like, "Fuck you, kid - that's my train and I'll bust you up." I grew up in the streets.
13th Birthday - PG-13 movies! Boobies and cuss words and Nicholas Cage! You are on top of the world at 13.
16th Birthday - Sweet sixteen. Finally getting the keys to the car and still thing it is cool to lean WAY back in the seats and crank the music. Lots of guys never grow out of this phase.
18th Birthday - PORN! And Lottery tickets. And cigarettes. And porn. And R rated movies that are a lot like porn. Oh, and voting. I guess that is important.
21st Birthday - Your liver and your wallet will never be the same. This is the birthday that everyone looks forward to and no one remembers. When I look at a calendar of June 30th, 2004 there is actually just a black box. That day never happened in my world.
26th Birthday - My age as of today and also the year your car insurance goes down! What could possibly be more exciting than that?
40th Birthday - Over the hill. Your kids will probably buy you a tie or some tool you'll never use and everyone at work will make a big deal. Oh...haha...black balloons...because I'm old...I get it. Thanks for the pick me up.
80th Birthday - Fucking rules. Why? Because you get to shit yourself.
So there you have it - all of the important birthdays. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go renew my license plates. Party!