Monday, June 29, 2009

Happy Birthday To Me

Well today is my birfday. And I'm gonna party like its my birfday. Or like a Tuesday. A Tuesday that I have to work the next day and am kind of broke. And get headaches whenever I drink a few beers and I really don't need a headache going into a Wednesday...because Wednesdays kind of suck anyways, right? Right?

So it's my birfday.

Which got me thinking - lets take a look at the "important" birthdays - the ones that give you more than a good pick up line and a hangover.

First birthday - Fucking rules. Why? Because you get to shit yourself. I would pay good money to be able to poop myself with no repercussions - like shame and an extra load of laundry. Diapers rule.

Fifth Birthday - You probably get a sweet theme party at Chuck E Cheese. Plus when you are a kid and it's your birthday you pretty much get to do whatever you want. If some kid is playing with your train you can be all like, "Fuck you, kid - that's my train and I'll bust you up." I grew up in the streets.

13th Birthday - PG-13 movies! Boobies and cuss words and Nicholas Cage! You are on top of the world at 13.

16th Birthday - Sweet sixteen. Finally getting the keys to the car and still thing it is cool to lean WAY back in the seats and crank the music. Lots of guys never grow out of this phase.

18th Birthday - PORN! And Lottery tickets. And cigarettes. And porn. And R rated movies that are a lot like porn. Oh, and voting. I guess that is important.

21st Birthday - Your liver and your wallet will never be the same. This is the birthday that everyone looks forward to and no one remembers. When I look at a calendar of June 30th, 2004 there is actually just a black box. That day never happened in my world.

26th Birthday - My age as of today and also the year your car insurance goes down! What could possibly be more exciting than that?

40th Birthday - Over the hill. Your kids will probably buy you a tie or some tool you'll never use and everyone at work will make a big deal. Oh...haha...black balloons...because I'm old...I get it. Thanks for the pick me up.

80th Birthday - Fucking rules. Why? Because you get to shit yourself.

So there you have it - all of the important birthdays. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go renew my license plates. Party!

32 comments:

stealthnerd said...

You forgot about the 25th birthday--the first year you can rent a car w/o having to offer up your first born as collateral.

Happy Birthday!!

blue-eyed brunette said...

Happy Birthday!!! And for women, our insurance goes down at age 21! Lower insurance and Boobs!!! We get all the breaks.

TheGuy said...

I didn't know that it's not okay to shit yourself on all the birthdays in between. Congratulations on being born.

Misty said...

Happy Birthday. And my car insurance went down at 25...that's odd.

Gilahi said...

Congratulations on being almost exactly half my age. It's all downhill from here. I also think it's important to note that before this you were less than half my age, and after this you will be over half my age. I figure that in a few years we'll be exactly the same age. It sucks, lemmetellya.

Marie said...

Happy Birfday!!!

It was legal for me and everyone else in the world other than here to drink at 18. So we all got a head start.

Sarah said...

Happy Birthday!!

lacochran said...

Enjoy yourself... it's later than you think...

Embrace your decrepitude.

Kim said...

Happy Birthday!
I've been 26 for a few months now, it just keeps making me realize that I am getting closer and closer to 30.

Deutlich said...

Dear goodness time flies! I remember your b'day LAST year!

Deutlich said...

uh. PS:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Andhari said...

Happy birthday!!!

Ps. What's all these obsessions about shitting your pants? LOL. Awesome.

justjp said...

Happy Birthday bro! I hear if you get hammered and shit yo self and blame it on the booze, you can get away with it.

lbluca77 said...

Happy Birthday! And I say jsut go ahead and poop yourself today. It's your day you can do what you want.

Allison M. said...

i missed it. I'm the worst blogger-friend-coworker-friend-in-real-life.

Hex said...

Relax, 26 isn't old.


..for a tree ;)

Matt said...

Happy Birthday man. Party on.

moooooog35 said...

I'll be 41 in August.

41.

I don't think they make a color darker than black for my balloons.

Thanks for rubbing that shit right the fuck in.

I hope your girlfriend gets you syphilis.

Happy Birthday.

Pam said...

Whatcha gotta do is call in Canadian on Wednesday :) Since July 1 is Canada Day, Canadians get the day off... then you could drink tonight and not worry, because you are covered by the holiday!

bakingwithplath said...

Happy birthday to a righteous dude!

Je said...

You forgot the 30th birthday - the year you probably have enough money to throw a fracking righteous party in Vegas or something equally awesome to toast the end of your 20s.
Happy Birthday!

Angela said...

(You can watch R-rated movies at 17)

Anywho, hope 26 is eventful for you!

LiLu said...

Happy Bday, my dear. I got you Nicholas Cage WITH boobs! Enjoy!

Fizzgig said...

i think that whole your car insurance goes down at 25 was a scam. I never saw a significant difference.

you do get a new liscense at 33. now theres something to look forward to.

miss. chief said...

happy BARFday

Lauren said...

You're right-turning 13 WAS all about Nick Cage. Ahh, the good ol' days!

Happy Birthday!

Kellie said...

Happy birthday! Only 50 more years until I'm 80. I get to shit myself again before you do!!! :)

Himbo said...

Happy birthday, Narm! I wanna see a post birthday post with tons of incriminating pictures.

A said...

Happy Birthday :).

Also, shoot, I should probably actually get my driver's license or something - otherwise, I'd have no birthdays to look forward to for years.

Mike said...

Disappearing comments - crap.

zwinggi said...

i'm going with 30th birthday, because it's the birthday where if you're still showing up to the bar every night, you're now the creepy old drunk, not the fun party dude.

Jayesh Bhagchandani said...

We have the same birth date! (I don't think that includes the year)

Awesome.