Monday, June 8, 2009

Nobody Move! This is a Cookout!

Apparently I am the patron saint of grilled animals. In the last two weekends I have been invited to no less than 8 cookouts.

PETA is going to come after me harder than Michael Vick pretty soon. Historians will look back and blame a meteor for the extinction of dinosaurs and Narm for the extinction of cows and whatever animal brats are made out of. I assume hot dogs.

Now, as a guy, I realize that the cookout is a strategic endeavor. You don't want to get stuck on the picnic table in the shade with the older crowd talking about people you don't know. You also don't want some parent to pawn their kid off on you while they go drink heavily and regret their decision to reproduce. Finally - and this is tempting - beware of the overly competitive yard game crowd. This seems like an innocent way to meet people, but in the end you just end up pissing everyone off because you can't get the stupid bean bag in the stupid hole and now you feel like that time in grade school you got picked last in gym class and then the bully gave you a wedgie.

Sorry about that. Flashback. I still feel bad for giving that kid a wedgie.

Now guys, I know what you are thinking - the only safe spot is to take over running the grill.

You are wrong.

Now everyone is mad. The burgers are too done, they aren't done enough - why isn't the food ready, why did you make so many hot dogs when everyone wanted burgers, grandma wants a burger without cheese - you are suddenly the focal point of the entire cookout's anger.

No, the only safe spot at a cookout is the Cheese Man. This is the guy who puts cheese on the burgers. He gets to stand next to the grill, thus saving him from any real conversational danger, but is also not responsible for any ACTUAL cooking.

The Cheese Man has two main jobs - cheesing burgers and drinking excessively.

Wait, Grandma didn't want cheese?

Aw shit.

16 comments:

miss. chief said...

excellent advice, i'm going to one of those thangs tonight, so it'll come in handy. henceforth, i shall be known as "cheesegirl"

surviving myself said...

I go for the Drunk Man. The Drunk Man's main job is to sit in the corner by himself, drink excessively, then wonder why no one will talk to him.

Maxie said...

I was totally going to say I just get drunk then no one wants me to watch their children, talk to me...but surviving myself took my idea. High five to him.

Ashley said...

I'm the girl who gets sucked into the games, with the idea that once you're on a team you've got at least someone to talk to for the rest of the evening. But my over-competitive nature ends up pissing people off too. <---sore loser.

Marie said...

Good advice. Since I love cheese, it will be no problem whatsoever to stand next to the cheese man.

Christina_the_wench said...

You TOTALLY forgot the table of chicks cackling and laughing at the men trying not to burn the brats. That's my hood.

moooooog35 said...

Being the 'cheese man' is so 90's.

Condiment guy...now THAT'S where the the cool people hang.

Andhari said...

I love cook outs, I hope more cook outs are done here instead of people going to restaurants all the time. I like burnt out hot dogs.

lacochran said...

I would probably eat all the cheese. The hell with Grandma.

That's why the best spot is by the cooler of drinks. When people say "Any more of what you're drinking?" You can say "Yes" and get them one if their hot or "No" and keep them to yourself if they're not. Yeah, I base my life on beer commercials.

AND, what the hell is with the bean bag toss rage? It's everywhere. And it wasn't that fun when we were kids. I don't understand that at all.

Born with a big mouth! said...

I love cheese :) *wink wink*

Always a Bridesmaid said...

I've had a lot of success being the "Jell-o Shot Girl" at cookouts. (Also serving as my own official taste-tester, of course.)

Fizzgig said...

I find its best to hide out wherever there is a hammock and shade, then you get out of all the work.

this works best if you have a loving significant other who will no doubt call you when the grubs ready

Valley Girl said...

LOL, now I'm craving BBQ food!

TishTash said...

Or you could go into the host's house and have a little adventure called Let's Look For The Porn.

Just Playing Pretend said...

The cheese man is an important job. You're right to covet that position.

LiLu said...

I generally play bartender. Which works really well until I realize I'm also flirting with everyone, including the ladeez.

Old habits die hard.