Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Food Porn

I'm pretty sure there is something out there trying to kill me. 

And I think that something is Food. 

Food's weapon of choice?  Food.

Every time Food shows up at my house we have a great time - but as soon as Food leaves, I'm suddenly so ill I feel like I might explode.

Part of the problem may be that I pick up the Food, put it in my mouth, chew it and then swallow it as quickly as possible.

And the other part of the problem may be that I don't stop until every last speck of food in the house is gone, like little Cindy Lou Who's house on Christmas Eve...

...but let's not pretend like Food isn't to fault here for being so delicious. 

Kind of like how girls who wear slutty clothes can't complain when a guy tries to throw peanuts down her top - I can't possibly be held accountable for eating food if it is in the tri-county area.

And even that analogy sucks -

Because I would have eaten those peanuts before they ever made it to her top.

Mmmmm....Boob Peanuts.

Food strikes again.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Art of War

Marriage is all about competition.

Even meaningless tasks can become a contest of wills.  Last night at dinner, we actually raced to the end of a bowl of mashed potatoes - with first prize being the last few bites of the ice cream in the freezer.

I won.


But then we sat down to watch Jeopardy.  I knew I was the underdog going into this match, as my wife is more cultured, she's bilingual and can read faster than me (you'd be surprised how big of an advantage this is in Jeopardy.  I bet Ken Jennings was the same guy from those speed-reading infomercials from the 90's).

What I did not expect was to be completely humiliated to the tune of 15 to 6.  FIFTEEN TO SIX.  She practically tripled my score.  I could have played Watson and it would have been closer.

So to celebrate, she jumped up and started singing "Time of my Life" from Dirty Dancing.

Then she tripped, fell down and stubbed her toe.

While still singing.

If ever there was effective trash talk, dominating someone in a game of intelligence, while looking so completely inept has to be it.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

No Pants Dance

I'm somewhat confused by this new phenomenon of girls wearing shirts as dresses.

On one hand - I like chicks' legs and butts, so this is a big win.  When I go to KFC I just order 'legs and butts' and when they ask 'Original or Crispy?" I say - 'OOOOOOH YEAH!'

But, on the other hand, I'm stuck shackled in these pants while girls are Porky Piggin' it around town.

Snooki without makeup / bumpit
Why can't guys have some comfort thrown into their wardrobe?  A girl can wrap herself in one piece of cloth that barely hits her thighs, while I'm battling swamp ass in my long pants, dress socks, long-sleeve button down, tie and Spanx (for men).  I'm really self conscious about my figure.

That is why I propose a new product for men - formal overalls.

Think about it.

If girls don't wear pants, why do I have to wear a shirt?  If the only thing we have to cover is our sex bumps, my man nipples should be as free as your Barbie crotch.

Besides, I think it would look better on me than these jeggings.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Pop Goes the Culture

My biggest problem with pop culture these days is that nothing lasts longer than a 16 year old boy on prom night.

Writers only need 140 characters.

Musicians only need a ring tone.

Politicians only need a sound bite.

Trashy rich girls only need one sex tape.

We're slowly Nickelbacking ourselves into a corner where our entire state of Applebeing values ease over awe.

Is it laziness?  Is anything beyond a push notification too much trouble?  Is there an app that can tell me what is good and what is bad?  What does that app say about this blog?  I NEED THIS.

Or is it a lack of taste?  Has the internet made it so easy to be a critic that we just think everything sucks and go towards the path of least resistance?  Are we so jaded that negativity is the new creativity? 

But the real question - did I really just write an entire BLOG POST complaining about people seeking out short-form content that lacks any real talent or creativity?

Hey, Man, it wouldn't fit on Twitter.

And sales of my sex tape have been average at best.