Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Girl Next Door

The other day I heard some crazy, over-the-top, Harry-Met-Sally, monkey-sex noises going on next door. I mean this was like a cartoon. Bumping and banging and crashing - in my head I imagine it like a Tom and Jerry cartoon where there is just a tornado of dust and limbs and lamps start crashing and suddenly a cat squeals.

But the main noise was a loud girl's voice, panting, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!"

Dude was hittin' it. I gave him mind knuckles to represent.

Then it ended and I went on with my life. Ok I giggled for a few hours with the roommate and THEN went on with my life.

But the next morning, the most amazing thing happened - we both got in the elevator at the same time.

I didn't know what to do! Do I ask her if she is ok because I heard some noises last night? Do I ask her if her lamp broke because it sounded expensive? Can I ask her not to pray so loud?

But I did what any mature individual would do - I stood in the corner and giggled until she got off the elevator. As soon as she left I called the roommate to explain what happened - in my excited state all I could get out was:

"Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!"

His answer?

"That's what she said."

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

WyW - Kid Athletes

Get in the game and out of your pants - it's time for everyone's favorite game -

WOULD YA WEDNESDAY - The Kid Athlete Edition.

Where if you're lucky, you'll get triple-doubled over in a skins game.

Oh the sports puns are endless!

Lets look at our lovely contestants -

First - Michelle Wie. You didn't know she was 18 yet, did you Reader? You've been watching her in all these tournaments using words like "cute" and "pretty" because you thought she was like 11 and you didn't want to sound like a creeper. YOUR TIME HAS COME! You can now openly make sexual comments with the safety of knowing you are only a normal level of creepy.

Second - Lebron James. Science has proven that Lebron James is better than me at every activity on earf. If there was a Narm contest, Lebron James could show up and do a better Narm impression than I could ever imagine. I would probably finish 3rd or 4th. Besides being a physical specimen, the greatest basketball player on earf and a handsome devil - he also can dance. What the hell? I'm 5'10" with back issues and look like a retard humping a doorknob every time Bel Biv Devoe's 'Poison' comes on. Spread the wealth, God!

If you are knew to the game, the rules are simple. I put up two pictures and you tell me if you would let them play your back 9.


Michelle Wie

Lebron James

Monday, May 25, 2009

I Think I'm A Clone Now

Ladies - you don't know how good you have it.

Apparently - there are thousands of Narm's in the world. That means your chances of meeting someone with dashing good looks and spectacular punctuality are actually pretty high.

How do I know this?

Because everywhere I go - SOMEONE has a "friend that looks just like you!!!"

So, through this scientific research, I have come to the conclusion that there are thousands, perhaps millions, of Narms in the world.

So why don't I ever meet them?

Is it some strange Marty McFly situation where if we run into each other we could alter our futures and our pasts and end up never having been born? If everyone has a friend that looks like me - then why don't I have a friend that looks just like me? What I'm asking is why I am not friends with Brad Pitt. We would totally hit it off! Mustaches unite!

How am I supposed to react when someone tells me they have a friend that looks just like me? That is like calling me boring. "Oh, hi, I already know one of you. Next."

My new mission? To get names and addresses of these pseudo-Narms and combine our forces to unleash an army of Narms. A Narmy, if you will.

Who could resist a Narmy of facial hair and bad puns? We would do all the things I've always wanted: detroy Nickelback, play a football game of 11 Narms vs 11 Narms, DOMINATE your Twitter feed, and do one of those synchronized dives into the pool like in the 1950's.

But after awhile all those Narms would get annoying. They would spend all of their time arguing over whether vampires are actually just lame versions of zombies and who would win in a fight between Mike Rowe and the Highlander.

So I guess for now I'll just remain a Narmy of one.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Sporting Chance

A buddy of mine texted me last night and said, "If the Cavs screw this game up I'll eat my hat."

A few minutes after the game was over he sent another message - "Do you have any ketchup?"

The Cavs loss, coupled with a dinner that consisted of 7 different kinds of wine, has left me a bit underwhelmed with life today. I mean, if I can't believe in 5 guys I'll never meet being paid millions of dollars to play a game - what CAN I believe in?

So I'm asking y'all for help today. Cheer me up. Make me believe. Tell me it will be ok. Give me a shoulder to cry on while secretly hoping this turns into a makeout session.

And pass the ketchup.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Where Amazing Happens

It's NBA playoff time - which means that my entire life comes to a halt and every night is spent in front of the TV. It is very similar to the NFL season, baseball season, Deadliest Catch marathons, any John Candy movie and any time I am within 10 miles of a TV watching Planet Earth in high definition.

So here is my list of priorities until the playoffs are over -

1 - Watching the Cavs
2 - Telling people my apartment is "Where Amazing Happens"
3 - Flip-flopping on all opinions to match what is currently happening
4 - Talking about how much I hate the Celtics even though they are out of the playoffs
5 - Trying to convince the Lady Friend that my wearing pants during the Cavs game is bad luck and that I am very superstitious. Also getting my own beer from the fridge is bad luck. And could you open that while you are up? Thanks.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Wake Me Up Before You Go Go

Apparently my co-workers wanted to help me plan my next vacation.

Is it really necessary for the author to have gotten his Ph. D for this book?

Monday, May 18, 2009


I attended a marathon on Sunday.

If you've never been to a marathon - imagine a bunch of people running and...ok that's really it.

I just can't figure out the sport of running. I could train everyday for the rest of my life - mile after mile - and never, ever win a race. Ever.

Most people who run will never win a race.

In other words, you are spending all of your time training to lose.

Listen, I have a lot of confidence, what with my chiseled abs and punctuality, but I don't need to set myself up to fail like that.

Plus - I get road rage when someone passes me on the highway. If someone were to pass me while running I don't know what the equivalent of brake checking and honking the horn would be. I assume farting and blowing a whistle. Ahhh that reminds me of grade school.

Even worse than watching people running? Cheering for people running. Running is the ultimate "everyone gets a trophy sport." I think marathons should be full contact. Shoulders and elbows - maybe even tying fishing line across the street to trip people - let's make this interesting.

A guy at the race on Sunday had a "Go Running!" sign. That is ridiculous. Imagine if I had a "Go Football!" sign. Unless he was trying to tell me that I needed to go running - then all I have to say is that maybe my eating habits haven't been great and I can't fit into my skinny jeans but a girl's gotta enjoy life damnit!

What I'm trying to say is that I don't care how out of shape I am or how lazy I have become - I'm not going to break a promise I made to myself a long time ago:

Never run away from your problems.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Hollywood Squares

It has to be hard to date in Hollywood

You meet a cute girl at a party and you hit it off. If you're lucky maybe your agent gets her agent's phone number and you tell her you want to see her again soon.


So then you feel kinda nervous - are you a couple? You definitely didn't say you were a couple - does she think you are a couple? Where's your class ring? Is she seeing other people?

So your agents set up a date and you meet at a super trendy downtown club owned by some celebrity.


Personal testimonials say that you were "All over each other" and "Were making out".

You may have given her a peck on the cheek but you weren't "making out". Wow did she think that was making out? Were you too forward? She didn't pull away! What if she thinks you are a creep, now?

So you back off. But you really did have a good time, so you think maybe you should give it another shot. So you set up another date at some overrated restaurant.

This time things go horribly. There is no chemistry, she hasn't gotten a single one of your Seinfeld quotes, she's never seen Lord of the Rings and she listens to Limp Bizkit. You try to be polite but things are obviously not going well. You get the check and go your separate ways.


What is a beau? And she didn't really "storm out", it was raining and she jogged to her car so she wouldn't get wet. You would have walked out with her but you left your wallet on the table and GOD is it a pain to get all of those cards canceled. Plus you know your ID would end up on eBay and the last thing you need is some 15 yr old kid in Kansas trying to buy beer with your ID.

So things fizzle out and you move on. No big deal. You call up some of your buddies the next week and go out on the town. You heard she met some other Hollywood hotshot and don't really care - good luck with the Fred Durst fan, weirdo.


B-List? Ouch, newspapers. And you weren't "being consoled" - your buddy stopped you from hitting on a fatty so you gave him a hug and told him you loved him. SURE you were 10-deep in Crown and Cokes at that point, but if a guy can't get drunk and awkwardly tell his buddy he loves him than what has America become? And did they just use the word boyfriend? You never used the word boyfriend! Did she say you were her boyfriend?

She better give your class ring back.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

WyW - Star Trek Edition

Get our of your Mom's basement and boldly go where no man has gone before - it's time for Would Ya Wednesday - Star Trek Edition.

I've never actually seen more than 2-3 episodes of the show but how could I resist putting Bill Shatner up as a choice? Wikipedia should do the rest.

Let's beam up our contestants -

First - William Shatner. Not the Priceline Negotiator of today, but the badass space captain of the 1960's. If I were a girl and having The Sex with Billy Shatner, I would find it hard not to do impressions of him in the middle of the act. The thing is - I bet he is kind of into it. Finding a picture to post of him was like trying to wade through a sea of Swedish bikini models and pick one - how do make a decision when you are drowning in a sea of perfection?

Second - The only girl on the ship. I don't know her name, or her name on the show. I am sure someone will come on here and tell me and then I will forget before I even get done reading the words. "What was it again? Nichelle Ni-I'm hungry. Is anyone else hungry? I could for some wings, or fries!!! Who wants fries?"

For those of you new to Would Ya Wednesday and it's awesome acronym, here are the rules: I post two pictures and you tell me if you would get busy with their Deep Space 9. Or in my case, Deep Space 9 1/2.

Warp Speed!

William Shatner

Nichelle Nichols

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


I'm swamped this morning and still celebrating the Cavs victory so all I've got is a few Cavs related videos that are amazing -

Ok maybe that last one wasn't about the Cavs - but you'll be singing it the rest of the day now.

And for that you are welcome.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Will Ferrel is the Patron Saint of Awkward Situations

What did guys do before sports?

When a caveman's girlfriend took him over to Mrs. Oohhmaakoooga's cave for "couple's night" and the two girl cavemen (cavewomen doesn't sound right) start talking about the latest in pterodactyl fashion pieces - what the hell did the two cavemen talk about? They couldn't argue how homecourt advantage was going to help their team breeze through the playoffs or how the 3-4 defense is making a comeback. All they had to talk about was how much they missed being single and how they used to club women over the head and drag them to their cave all the time. Now they're lucky if they get to go woolly mammoth hunting twice a year without their girlfriend getting mad.

I enjoy the ability to enter any situation with another guy and have SOMETHING to talk about. I can bullshit my way through almost any sport - except golf, because my GOD is that a boring sport. It is hard to make baseball look exciting but next to golf, a pitcher adjusting his crotch four times before every pitch is the the pinnacle of suspense.

Even when guys completely disagree to the point where they consider the other person to have the intelligence level of a small rodent - they will still talk sports for as long as necessary to get out of whatever situation their girlfriends have placed them.


Meeting of parents.


Baby showers.


It doesn't matter! Guy's will talk sports. Or Will Ferrell movies. Which I guess is sort of redundant at this point.

And if you aren't a sport's fan it is ok. I am sure there are plenty of other things to talk about!

Just not with me.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I Can't Fight This Feeling Any Longer

I looked DAMN good yesterday - and I didn't just look good because I'm good looking. Though I will say it feels awful good looking that good looking.

Why can't they bottle that feeling? That "new haircut" or "favorite shirt" feeling. You can send me 1,000 emails about making my "love member" bigger - but if you tell me you can give me that "new haircut" feel I am throwing down my Visa.

Cars get this whenever they want. They can just buy an air freshener with new car smell. The best humans have is Axe - but that just makes you feel like a lonely teenager who just discovered there was porn on the internet. Was that just me? Well this is awkward...

Think about how much more productive we would all be if we felt like Brad Pitt everyday. Hell - think about how much better of an actor Brad Pitt would be if he had the "new haircut" feel everyday. He would be like, "Damn! I look almost as good as Narm today!" He is a long time reader - no big deal. Where do you think he got the idea for that mustache?

If I had "favorite shirt" feeling everyday of my life I would be unstoppable. Traffic lights would always be green, McDonald's would quit putting pickles on my double chee like I ask and the coffee pots would ALWAYS be full.

But I'm not just thinking about me, here, let's do it for Brad Pitt.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Detox is for Quitters

I've made a mistake.

Somehow I was convinced to take part in a 3-day fruit detox with some friends of mine at work.

The rules?

All fruit. All day. Nothing else.

No caffeine.

No sugar.

No meat.

I'm still waiting on a ruling on porn.

Ashley over at Encounters of the Human Kind tells me it won't be that bad. The Lady Friend is a vegetarian so pretty much calls this little adventure "life" - in other words - I'm getting no sympathy.

I'll be updating this post through the next day or two on my progress.

DAY 1 -

Breakfast - I made a mistake and bought all of my fruit on Saturday so half of it is too ripe to eat. To drive this point home the pear I just had for breakfast was the consistency of snot. Now if only it TASTED like snot. I wonder if boogers are illegal on this diet? I would argue they are nose fruit.

Is it possible to eat a banana and not feel dirty? I was taking a bite and a coworker walked by and I know he was judging me. Maybe I'll leave the peel outside of his office and watch him comically slip and fall on it. Does worker's comp cover "banana incidents"?

Mid-Morning - It isn't even lunch of the first day and I have more regret than Tom Arnold when he woke up from that drunken bender married to Rosanne Barr. No caffeine? Who thinks that is a good idea? And someone left a whole VAT of brownies out on the kitchen counter this morning just to tease me. They could give me a wedgie and steal my lunch money and it would be less degrading than walking past their chocolaty goodness and not being able to grab a piece.

I need coffee.

#1 Benefit of fruit detox - no chance of getting scurvy. Suck it, pirates.

Lunch - I cheated a little and had fresh greens instead of fruit. I'm a rebel and can't be expected to follow society's "rules". I'm too busy driving motorcycles and using hairgel and whatever else rebels do. Probably spitting.

A lot of people are asking why the hell I am doing this. Other than the obvious fact that it is something to break up the monotony of my week and to blog about - the fruit detox is supposed to help clean our your system and help control your cravings. For instance, when I am on the couch watching a fourth consecutive episode of Scrubs - my body won't try to confuse boredom with hunger and make me throw down a bag of Doritos like Popeye eating spinach. So I am doing it for half entertainment and half health. And I want to look good naked.

3:00 - I've never wanted a burger or spaghetti or a candybar full of carbs more in my life. I'm not in any way hungry - I just want something horrible for me. It's like hitting on a fat girl because she is the only girl at the bar. Except a burger would be way more satisfying than a fat chick - but the sex vs food is an argument for another day.
DAY 2 -

Breakfast - Grapes. I'm not even hungry anymore. My body is rejecting how boring my meals are and deciding to just not eat. It's like seeing a penny on the ground - sure you could use some money but it really isn't worth bending over to pick it up. Unless there is some smoking hot girl across the street and you just got finished doing buns of steel - then, by all means, go for it!

Lunch - If someone handed me a Chipotle burrito right now I would make out with them. No questions asked. I would ram my tongue down their throat like Kim Karashian trying to fit in a size 2 dress. I just want something fatty (first time I've ever said that sober and not at a bar).

2:00 - I actually feel great. Like really great. No headache. No coma from eating horrible food. Just...good. But I'd still cut a man for a burrito.

Monday, May 4, 2009

WyW on Monday - RomCom Edition

Pick up a box of tissues and drop your morals - it's time for everyone's favorite game!


Where every story is the same - He's a ______, she's a _______ but somehow they will fall in love and make a sex scene about as exciting as an episode of The View!

Seriously - even boobs can't save these movies anymore. How is it still a surprise?

NO WAY! Even though he's a down and out car salesman with a peg leg and she was a dirty hooker who switched bodies with the Queen of England they still found love? Well slap my ass and pass the tissues how can I miss this movie?

He's a pirate with a sweet tooth and she's a farm animal? How will they make THIS work?

Speaking of farm animals lets introduce our first contestant.

Renee Zellweger has absolutely no redeeming qualities. She looks like she is stuck in an eternal "sucking on a lemon" pose. I heard Keystone Light wanted to use her for their "Bitter Beer Face" campaign. But she scared children. And we all know children are the #1 consumers of Keystone Light. It's a hard knock life, bitch.

I would feel bad for Hugh Grant that he always has to be cast in movies along side her if it weren't for the fact that he was busted with a transvestite. For a dude that is into transvestites, Renee Zellweger has to be a supermodel. A supermodel sucking on a lemon.

Our other contestant is standing, somewhere, in the rain. He probably has a pained look on his face and is listening to a dramatic song (boom box and trench coat optional). Even for all his flaws I can't hate John Cusack. He is one of those bastards that I have no business defending but still find myself saying things like, "C'mon he wasn't bad in Must Love Dogs..." Bastard.

Anyways for those of you new to the game here are the rules - I post two pictures of celebrities and you tell me if your crotch would beat the odds and fall in love with their crotch. Then your girlfriend cries and you have to pretend like you didn't like it when in fact you couldn't wait for them to finally kiss because GAWD! how could they not just realize they were meant for each other!

I've said too much.

Here are your choices -

Renee Zellweger

John Cusack