Thursday, May 14, 2009

Hollywood Squares

It has to be hard to date in Hollywood

You meet a cute girl at a party and you hit it off. If you're lucky maybe your agent gets her agent's phone number and you tell her you want to see her again soon.

Next day the headlines read - "NEW HOT HOLLYWOOD COUPLE SEEN GETTING PERSONAL"

So then you feel kinda nervous - are you a couple? You definitely didn't say you were a couple - does she think you are a couple? Where's your class ring? Is she seeing other people?

So your agents set up a date and you meet at a super trendy downtown club owned by some celebrity.

Next day the headlines read - "NEW HOLLYWOOD SUPER COUPLE SPENDS WILD NIGHT DOWNTOWN"

Personal testimonials say that you were "All over each other" and "Were making out".

You may have given her a peck on the cheek but you weren't "making out". Wow did she think that was making out? Were you too forward? She didn't pull away! What if she thinks you are a creep, now?

So you back off. But you really did have a good time, so you think maybe you should give it another shot. So you set up another date at some overrated restaurant.

This time things go horribly. There is no chemistry, she hasn't gotten a single one of your Seinfeld quotes, she's never seen Lord of the Rings and she listens to Limp Bizkit. You try to be polite but things are obviously not going well. You get the check and go your separate ways.

Next day the headlines read - "BLOWOUT AT LOCAL RESTAURANT - STARLET STORMS OUT ON HOLLYWOOD BEAU"

What is a beau? And she didn't really "storm out", it was raining and she jogged to her car so she wouldn't get wet. You would have walked out with her but you left your wallet on the table and GOD is it a pain to get all of those cards canceled. Plus you know your ID would end up on eBay and the last thing you need is some 15 yr old kid in Kansas trying to buy beer with your ID.

So things fizzle out and you move on. No big deal. You call up some of your buddies the next week and go out on the town. You heard she met some other Hollywood hotshot and don't really care - good luck with the Fred Durst fan, weirdo.

Next day the headlines read - "HOLLYWOOD SHOCKER! MEGA STAR LEAVES B-LIST BOYFRIEND FOR NEW UP AND COMER. DRUNK AND BROKEN HEARTED BOYFRIEND SEEN BEING CONSOLED BY FRIENDS"

B-List? Ouch, newspapers. And you weren't "being consoled" - your buddy stopped you from hitting on a fatty so you gave him a hug and told him you loved him. SURE you were 10-deep in Crown and Cokes at that point, but if a guy can't get drunk and awkwardly tell his buddy he loves him than what has America become? And did they just use the word boyfriend? You never used the word boyfriend! Did she say you were her boyfriend?

She better give your class ring back.

19 comments:

stealthnerd said...

Please, no matter what those papers say, no one would believe you were a B-List actor.

Oh, we weren't talking about that time you dumped Scarlett Johanson? Hm, my bad.

stealthnerd said...

Oh, wait...I just realized how that sounded. The whole B-list thing. No one is believing you are B-list because CLEARLY you are A-list.

I shouldn't post comments before I've had my morning caffeine, should I?

LBluca77 said...

You would so be the next Brad Pitt.

Kristen said...

It's true. If you want any sort of privacy in your dating life, you have to date non-hollywood types. At least, that's been my experience.

Angela said...

Sounds like you could handle Hollywood. You already know what they'll write so you're a step ahead!

Allison M. said...

Those glasses do make you look smarter.

surviving myself said...

If a woman doesn't get Seinfeld jokes she should be banned from society for at least a year.

lacochran said...

So, I shouldn't believe it when I read "MOOG AND NARM DECIDE TO COOL IT IN FRONT OF PRESS"?

rs27 said...

""NEW HOLLYWOOD SUPER COUPLE SPENDS WILD NIGHT DOWNTOWN"
"

No one hangs out in downtown LA unless you want a tranny hooker.

Don't you know how LA works?!?!?!

Christina_the_wench said...

I might feel sorry for them after I make my first 5 mill. MIGHT.

Matt said...

but still... thats better than staying with the chick and getting one of those combined names.

How would you like to be called bennifer?

Matt said...

rs27 is right...the only thing in downtown LA is the staples center and tranny hookers.

or so Ive heard.

Bon Don said...

This was awesome!

every male celeb must have a "Bromance" to go out & party with after a tabloid break-up!

moooooog35 said...

So that WAS you I saw on the cover of The Enquirer.

How's Bat Boy doing these days?

Andhari said...

SICKKKKKK all the glamors and dramas.
I wouldn't mind though , HAHA

LiLu said...

Anyone who doesn't get Seinfeld references is a cyborg and should be IMMEDIATELY terminated.

God, I'm a dork

fiona said...

It has to be hard to date in Hollywood

Something you will never have to worry about darlin...
;-)
BUT! IyIyIy will always love yoooou

longredcape said...

Happens to me all the time. My love life is always being broadcast on the interwebs.

Oh yeah. On my blog. That I write . . .

Rachel said...

This makes me wonder if I could make a living dating and being dumped by Hollywood men. I know I wouldn't have a problem weaseling my way into their lives, since most of them are dum dums, and as long as I could get them to dump me by the end of the month...

Do you know how many magazine covers I could get?!