Monday, June 28, 2010

Fresh Produce

I've got a story about a good friend of mine. His name is Tony Romo (editors note: may not be actual friend).

As you know, my girlfriend is a vegetarian. As you may also know, Tony Romo used to date the awkwardly attractive Carrie Underwood, also a vegetarian.

After Romo and Underwood broke up, he began dating Jessica Simpson. Jessica Simpson is not a vegetarian. In fact, she wore a shirt declaring her love for dead animals.

Now, Jessica Simpson looks like this -

And Carrie Underwood looks like this -

Pass the lettuce, please.

For The Fishes

The Lady Friend and I did what any self-respecting young couple does when they get to the point that their Friday nights are normally spent on the couch in the midst of a Friends marathon - we got an aquarium.

We're so lonely.

Now that the aquarium is up and running, my favorite thing to do is lay on the couch and pretend like I am in deep thought looking at the aquarium...until I fall asleep and then get a free nap out of it. It is great. Free naps are like a get out of jail card. When someone is in the middle of a nap, the entire world stops so as not to wake them. I have no idea why naps have some stranglehold on society but they are great. Waking someone up from a nap is practically illegal.

Now, our fish have become territorial. There is a black and blue one that owns one rock - and if any of the other fish get close to it, he bites the shit out of them. Kind of like me if you try to touch the remote during Glee. I mean...umm...I like chainsaws and red meat.

So as I am laying on the couch watching the fish and trying to get a free ride on the Nap Train, I notice that the black and blue fish swims away from his little home and takes a huge poop - then swims right back to his home. Obviously, I start screaming at the Lady Friend about this.

Her response?

"That sounds like something you would do."



I just observed a fish swim away from his home to poop - and that event reminded my girlfriend of me.

How am I supposed to take that? Is it a compliment? Should I be flattered that my girlfriend doesn't think I am the type of guy to poop all over the places that I call home?

Or is it an insult? Like I am the guy that just poops in random places? When she sees a dog pop a squat in the yard she is like, "Oh, that is SO Narm."

Either way, I got a free nap out of it.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


My truck smells like asparagus pee.

Which is weird because I haven't eaten asparagus in WEEKS.

I also haven't peed my pants.

At least, not while in my truck.

If you are at Target and smell asparagus pee in the camping section you can blame me.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Chip Off The Ol' Block

If there was one thing that drove my Mom crazy, it was the fact that my Dad always had ONE long hair that grew between his eyebrows. She would always want to pluck it and he would never let her. It drove her crazy. His being a farmer, he knew how to grow that thing nice and long. It even had a curl to it.

This morning while I was getting ready the Lady Friend looks at me and says -

"How do you only have ONE giant hair growing between your eyebrows?"

I'm becoming my father.

And couldn't be happier.

Happy Father's Day!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

High As A Kite

Everyone always says they want to go back to their high school days.

Screw that.

I want to go back to high school, but with all of the knowledge and life lessons I've learned since I left.

I would spend WAY less time trying to get girls to touch their elbows behind their back. With all my new found charm I could probably see a real boobie.

I would also realize that my "permanent record" pales in comparison to what you can already Google about me.

I would definitely spend more time enjoying those plaid skirt uniforms that girls had to wear at my school.

Gym class? Meet the steroid area. I'd roid up and own all the kickball records.

My tolerance would blow all those kids' out of the water. I'd be draining Busch Light cans like a champ.

But most importantly: only kid in high school with a full beard. That HAS to lock up Homecoming court.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

It's A Gas

Is there anything more terrifying that waking yourself up with a huge fart in the middle of the night - and not knowing if your significant other heard it?

Not that I care if she hears me fart - but I like to portray an image of having more control than waking myself up at 3am with what can only be described as a night tremor.

I mean, I jumped. It was like one of those dreams where you are falling and then wake up when you hit the ground - except instead of hitting the ground I was laying down what sounded like a sad tuba.

I haven't seen Paranormal Activity, but I can only imagine that it is loosely based on this entire premise.

Which brings me to my question - where is the most embarrassing place you've ever let one slip?

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


Ok, fine - YES I watch Glee.

Jeez - just leave me alone.

I love it. I can't help it.

I love Sue Sylvester's burns on Will Shuester.

And Rachel's dramatics.

And how all the guys look like they are pooping, crying or poop crying every time they sing.

It is amazing.

I love that it is based in Lima, Ohio - which is 15 minutes from my tiny hometown. That way when they talk about Allen County or make other regional references I can freak out and act like I'm a celebrity.

Excuse me, MORE of a celebrity.

But I hate myself.

I hate myself for enjoying quite possibly the least manly show this side of the Lifetime Network.

I hate that sometimes after a good episode I find myself singing one of the songs for days (I'm looking at you, "Total Eclipse of the Heart.")

I hate I say things like, "Oooooh, I hate that Jesse."

But I can look past all that. I can rationalize myself being into such an over-the-top show. It is based in my hometown! They are good songs! Rachel is a weird doppelganger for my Lady Friend!

What I can't get past is that I want to express these feelings with a synchronized dance number.

Or that I'm doing jazz hands right now.

Please help me.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Keep It Real

Lets be honest about the woman who was "fired for being too hot".

She was fired and now is trying to turn this into a reality show.

Just like balloon boy.

And Jon and Kate.

And the Duggans.

Everyone wants their own reality show - so they cook up outlandish schemes. We have to look at every news story with a bit of skepticism now.

Kids these days are just too obsessed with being on TV. How else can you explain the fact that the casts from Jersey Shore and The Hills are regarded as "famous".

This whole generation of celebrities is an embarrassment. Back when I was growing up, you had to have real talent, a real drive to be famous.

Or a sex tape.

My generation was awesome.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Rock Stars

You know those super annoying kids that only listen to bands that no one has heard of and, even if they REALLY like a band, will quit liking them when they get on the radio?

That is totally me.

I like bands that have like four fans, including their Mom. They are so underground they haven't even formed yet. The singer hasn't even been born. If there is a singer.

Yes, I am one of those complete music elitist pricks.

And I love it.

But it does create some awkward situations.

Like the time I met Tift Merritt at a show of only around 100 people and I went through the autograph line twice. And told her I love her. And not in an "I love your music" kind of way.

Or the time Jason Isbell was shopping for records in the basement of the venue at the same time as myself. And I screamed "OH MY GOD! THERE'S JASON ISBELL!" to the other ten or fifteen people who were at the show.

Or the time I drove two hours to Columbus to see Collin Herring play and was literally the only person (out of seven) that had heard of him. And then didn't have the courage to go talk to him because he was too famous for me.

I guess these experiences are useful - because now I understand why a lot of people are too scared to come introduce themselves to a famous blogger like myself.