Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Monday, February 27, 2012


Know what I don't get enough of?


Think about it - how often do men get compliments?  Do you know how good of a hair day I have to have to receive a compliment on it?  I don't even HAVE enough hair on my head to have a good hair day.  A good hair day for me is a day in which I still have any hair.

And go ahead and ask when the last time someone told me I looked really great in this top.  It is slimming and hits me in the right spots and sometimes a man just needs to hear he's pretty.

Don't get me wrong - I'm comfortable in my awesometude - but that doesn't mean I don't like to hear about it now and again.

But this is bigger than me.  This is about more than just one man and his almost puzzlingly well-groomed beard.

No, this is about all men.

I ask you, women of the world, to pay a man a compliment today.

You are the attractive species.  You got the good looks and the soft features.  You've got the curves.

We've got body hair and pot bellies.

So make a man's day.  Pay him a compliment. 

Because in a few days, he might not be having such a nice hair day.

Monday, February 13, 2012


I've realized what's missing in my life...

...other than an ever-increasing amount of hair on the front of my head.

A rival.

How am I supposed to succeed without an evil counterpart working against me?

What is my motivation?

If I want to become the star quarterback, where is the cocky kid with more talent that makes me become the better man?

When I'm down on my luck and fighting to win the heart of a woman, where is the rich, charming guy with an accent that forces me to prove I could love her more than he ever would?

Or what if I'm stranded on an island overrun by mutant dinosaurs and trying to save my children, who is the mole sent by a rival corporation trying to steal dinosaur embryos?

It's bullshit!

It is a minor miracle I've made it this far in life.  What am I competing against?  Where is my antagonist?

Because right now my biggest threat is male-pattern baldness.

And I'm losing that battle.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Flushing Money Away

You are looking at by far the most luxurious item in my house.

Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of nice things, but nothing compares to that.

That, dear Readers, is a $120 toilet flusher thing. 

But I didn't pay $120.  Because that would be crazy.

No, I found it on the clearance rack at Home Depot.

I looked at the guy stocking it and said, "Wait, that ONE toilet-flusher thing is $120?"

To which he responded, "Yeah, but it's on clearance so it is only $60."

Oh, well that makes sense - because $60 for a $5 toilet flusher thing is a STEAL. 

"So why is it on clearance?" I asked.

"Oh, it was part of a set that was sold."

Part of a set?  A set of what?  The toilet has one button - and this is it. Did it come with curtains?  Is there a reverse button?  What the hell was so special about this toilet flusher thing?

I had to own it.

"I'm not paying $60 to flush my toilet.  You'd be an idiot to spend more than $5 on this."

"Alright, I'll do half of that - $30 and it's yours."

What we have now, my friends, is a negotiation.

For $30 I could go buy six toilet flusher thingies and have a party.  They could be like a stocking stuffer.  I could give one to my friends and we could form a secret society of toilet flushers.  Like blood-brothers, but grosser.

"$30 is $25 more than any rational person would pay for a toilet flusher thing."

"Ok, fine - $20."

"$20?  How the hell do you plan on selling this thing?  It was part of a set!"

"Just give me $10 and get that thing out of here, I'm never going to sell it anyways."

And that's how I got a $120 toilet flusher thing.

Now if I could only find the matching set. 

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

If You're Happy And You Know It

Goddamnit, Internet, shut up.

Quit whining about everything.

Hating shit on the internet is like some new trendy drug.  Read the blogs, check the Twitters - for god's sake check the Facebook page of a middle-aged Mom and you'd think you'd stumbled into the book of Job.

The internet is amazing - it gives you pictures of in-bread cats, and Hipster Ariel, and PORN!

You know when you are getting your haircut and the girl leans way over your chair and her boobs are about one inch from your face?  That's what the internet is like all the time - boobs are just one inch away from your face.

So cheer up.  Enjoy life.  Quit looking for the next great thing to complain about and be happy for 10 minutes. 

Because life kicks ass.  Most people eat a decent meal, see a friend, drink a beer - do SOMETHING good everyday.

And you know what - if you can't find something that makes you happy once a day, it isn't the internet's fault.  The internet has boobs, and you are all 'FML have to do laundry...AGAIN'

Get over it.  Cheer up.  You're annoying everyone.

Including me.

And then I have to complain about it on the internet.