Friday, July 31, 2009

Dancing Queen

It is extremely important that you check out Alexa's blog today.

Go here.

If you need me I'll be spending the rest of the day eating red meat, using a chainsaw and objectifying women to try to regain any semblance of masculinity.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Jon Bon Jovial

Bon Jovi should call the Guinness Book of World Records. The man is AMAZING.

He's seen a MILLION faces; and he's rocked them all.

That is incredible.

His conversion rate of faces seen to faces rocked is 100%. I'll let that settle in for a minute.

I would say I've probably rocked...MAYBE eight faces in my life. Assuming I have also seen a million faces, that means I have rocked approximately 0.0008% of said faces.

Horrible. And even somewhat embarrassing.

I have to imagine Jon Bon is exaggerating his face rocking. I mean, what exactly constitutes a rocked face? And when a face is rocked - can it be rocked again? Is he counting the same face as being rocked multiple times?

Bold claim for a guy living on a prayer.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Give Me Coffee or Give Me Death

I think history romanticizes the Boston Tea Party a little too much.

Can you imagine how pissed those guys had to be? They get all bombed up on beer and then head out and dump all the tea into the water. Yay! Happy good times! Lets dress up like Indians and break shit! Yippee!

But then the next morning they wake up with giant headaches and their wives all want them to take them out to breakfast but there is NO TEA. NO CAFFEINE ANYWHERE.

I don't think they thought that one through. I think the entire revolution against the red coats was based on the fact that the Americans were cranky as hell from not having any caffeine.

I can just see an early American sitting at his day job without any caffeine and a red coat walks up -

"JESUS man - could your coat BE any brighter? I'm trying to fucking work and you come prancing around in your goddamn neon coat. It's fucking 8am. EIGHT AM. Who the hell do you think you are? Fuck this, I'm revolting."

If you thought the prohibition was bad - imagine if they outlawed coffee. There would be checkpoints where officers would look into your eyes - "We've gotta user over here! It's not even 10am and this guy has an obvious will to live! CUFF HIM!"

Imagine the suicide rate on Monday mornings if there was no caffeine. It would be 100%. Nuclear war is less of a threat than losing all caffeine. An asteroid the size of Mars doesn't scare me as much as someone killing Juan Valdez.

Aliens would come to our planet the day after the end of caffeine and just find millions of people hung by their neckties. Or stabbed to death with their high heels.

And they would be PISSED they couldn't get a cup of Starbucks.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

WyW - Bachelor Edition

It's time to pick up the remote and pull down your pants!

That's right - it's Would Ya Wednesday on Tuesday - Bachelor Edition.

Where the only thing thicker than the spray tan is the desperation.

This week's theme is The Bachelor and The Bachelorette - which is a reality show based on two people sleeping with as many contestants as possible and then ranking them on their sexual prowess by giving them roses. In the end they pretend to pick one person and be happy but then break up within the next few months and have their own spin-off reality show based on them sleeping with more people. Before you start to think this sounds morally questionable - they wear suits and are on broadcast TV - so it's fine.

My favorite thing about the Bachelor(ette) is that every single girl / guy contestant falls instantly in love with the main character. What are the odds that every contestant just HAPPENS to fall in love with the main character? The only way they can call that "Reality TV" is if I was the Bachelor - because lets face it - I'm 100% pure-American Hunk wrapped in a sweet velvety layer of emotions. With sprinkles and a cherry on top.

Anyways our first contestant is former Bachelor Jason Mesnick. He looks exactly like Taylor Made from 'I Love NY' except with a crazier look in his eye. Like you would come home and find him covered in blood and wearing one of your dresses - but he wouldn't be bleeding and suddenly your cat Mittens is missing. Hubba hubba!

Our second contestant is Bachelorette Jillian Harris. She isn't attractive. That's really all there is to say. I did an informal survey of like...six guys...and no one thinks she is attractive. And she is annoying. Two strikes, Jillian, you better make up for it - oh that's right - she is a giant whore bag. Was the Bachelorette actually a contest to see how many guys she could intercourse? I want to see her take on that Kobayashi guy in a hot dog eating contest. The entire show is based around people vying for the affection of a super-eligible bachelor/ette - and you trot her out there? When she first came out were fans like - "Why is the make-up girl on stage? Get her off and get someone with some remote physical attractiveness out here!...Oh...that's her? She better put out."

If you are new to Would Ya Wednesday here are the rules - I nominate two people and you tell me if they face elimination or if your privates are ready for a reunion special.

Jason Mesnick

Jillian Harris

Monday, July 27, 2009

Bag Lady

Girl, pointing at her boyfriend's crotch in line at the grocery - "That thing better have a big bag of boners ready for me tonight."

I had three different topics to write about today - then I heard that magical line yesterday.

True love is alive people, you just need to decide paper or plastic.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Unsocial Media

Setting - Alexa's extremely loud bday party at the Greenhouse Tavern. There is a table of her family, her friends, her co-workers...and her social media friends (consisting of myself, Allison and CLE Clothing Co.).

Alexa's Mom, leaving one loud, laughing table and walking up to mine (the social media nerds) - "Wow - you guys are quiet!"

Me - "We're her online friends so we are all talking to each other on Twitter - but don't worry - we're doing it all in caps."

I'm pretty sure someone needs to give me a wedgie and stuff me in a locker now.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Slay The Dragon

The next person I see in a shirt with a dragon I am going to walk up to and just say -

"So...uh...really into dragons, huh?"

At what point is it acceptable to just have a dragon on your shirt? Even dungeons and dragons kids think that is nerdy.

Dragons are not bacon - you can't just add them to anything and make it better. This isn't Lord of the Rings, or Camelot or Hogwarts - and you aren't some knight in shining armor. You are a guy in his late twenties sitting at a bar trying to get a 22 year old girl drunk enough to come home with you.

Let's put it this way - if you were at the bar and saw a girl with a unicorn on her shirt - would you be impressed?

Monday, July 20, 2009

Mall Madness

I no longer have sympathy for NFL players.

"Oh I had to play a three hour game today and get hit by 300 lb guys at full speed"


I'll tell you what, Ray Lewis, call me when you've been forced to go shopping for three straight hours - then we'll see who's a tough guy.

I'm fairly certain I tore my ACL between Nordstroms and TJ Maxx and I still toughed it out through the shoe section.

My biggest mistake was not wearing a watch. I'm pretty sure we were in Macy's for three days. It was like Gilligan's Island - I started trying to make a radio transmitter out of mannequin hands and graphic tees.

My trip through H&M felt like a Madonna concert - and not just because I sang "Borderline" 12 consecutive times. I may have set a record for most costume changes. I tried on every shirt in the entire store. Even the XXXL - just to prove a point.

I don't know how girls do it - when I got home I had to lay on the couch and ice myself down. I think the mall should have little tables with cups of Gatorade to throw on yourself as you go.

In fact - I think you could televise that shit. No one watches the Tour De France - you throw on 6 middle-aged guys trying to keep up with their girlfriends and not get in trouble when their lady asks them "Does this make me look fat?"

Hell - that should be in the Olympics.

Michael Phelps and Lance Armstrong better start training cuz I am killing it in 2012 - and the only drug in this body is shopahol.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

WyW - Golfer's Edition

It's time to drop your score AND your pants...

That's right, it's time for WOULD YA WEDNESDAY on THURSDAY - Golfer's Edition.

The only place it is ok to hook up with someone with a handicap.

Today's first contestant is LPGA golfer Paula Creamer. I have no idea who she is because golf is the only thing more boring than this blog (if only I could get this blog to be in high definition) - but her last name is Creamer. CREAMER, people. I would rather have the last name Beatmeup than Creamer. Poor girl didn't stand a chance.

And our male contestant, of course, is Tiger Woods. Talk about winning the name lottery. Paula Creamer is pissed she just got lumped in with Tiger Woods. Both of his names are awesome. I couldn't pull off either one. If my name was Tiger people would just make Tony the Tiger jokes all the time...Theeeey'rrrre GRRRRREAT! Har har, I get it. Not Tiger Woods. He has an equally badass last name so people fear him like the reaper. He is also good at golf.

For those of you new to WyW, here are the rules - I give you two people and you tell me if you would drive through their rough or if you would rather give yourself a two stroke penalty.

Four! (more like four and a half, but who's counting?)

Paula Creamer

Tiger Woods

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Best. TWSS. Ever.

Lady Friend (trying to whistle through a tiny straw) - I can't breathe in that hole.

Me - That's what she said.

WINNER! Best That's What She Said ever. I might have to retire from saying it, now. I think both the irony of the horrible joke as well as the quest to find the greatest TWSS ever have both been achieved - therefor I am officially retiring from using the phrase, "That's What She Said". least for today.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Bad Hair Day

I have nothing to write about today so I thought I would pose the following question -

While sitting at an Indians game the other day, I found this specimen. (Cut me some slack - the Indians suck and I had to amuse myself). Of course a lengthy discussion ensued about what exact type of haircut this kid was sporting. I was on Team Mullet but definitely saw that Team Rat Tail had a strong case.


Monday, July 13, 2009

Brush It Off

Guys are simple. I have no idea why girls can't figure this out. In fact, Vanilla Ice even spelled it out pretty clearly in his hit song "Ice, Ice, Baby"

"If you gotta problem, yo, I'll solve it."

BAM. Lyrical genius.

Guys see the entire world that way - what is the problem, how can I fix it?

Now, the "problem" may be that the guy is not currently making out with a girl - which explains why guys are sleezeballs - they are trying to solve THAT problem. But that is for another day.

Here is an example of a guy's train of thought -

"Hmmm, my toothbrush looks like Carrot Top's head...I better go buy a new one."

Guy then goes to the store, picks up some random toothbrush based on some factor - extra bristles, tongue cleaner, Batman logo - and takes it to the counter and pays whatever price is for that toothbrush because that toothbrush is obviously the best.

Girls - no chance.

A girl will come home from the store with a stack of eight toothbrushes because her "favorite" toothbrush was on sale for a "crazy deal".

We, as guys, don't understand this.

Who needs eight toothbrushes? Maybe Jewel because her snaggle tooth rips those puppies to shreds, but what normal girl needs eight toothbrushes?

Second, who has a FAVORITE toothbrush? I, apparently, do have enough intimacy with my toothbrush to have developed a lasting relationship. I have no idea what brand it is or any distinguishing features. I know it has this, like, handle thing...and maybe some bristles on the end. I can't confirm that. If you asked me to name my favorite toothbrush I would say the giant one in Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

Finally, how do girls know how much a toothbrush costs to do a comparative analysis? When my toothbrush kicks the bucket and it is time to buy a new one - Target could name any price they wanted. If I walked in and every toothbrush was $30 I wouldn't blink. My brain is too busy arguing that Dan Marino's 1984 season was more impressive than Tom Brady's 2007 season to contain information about Oral-B.

Or maybe I'm just pissed my new toothbrush doesn't have a Batman logo.

Thursday, July 9, 2009


Wow that title was a horrible attempt at word play with "misnomer". Not even close. Swing and a miss. If you need me I'll be over there digging a grave in which to bury that joke.

Speaking of swinging and missing - where do celebrities come off with these nicknames?

Sean "P Diddy" Combs.

Or Puffy, or now just Diddy. It should be Sean "I Have No Rapping or Acting Talent But I Pretend Like I Am Cool By Spending Money I Made Off Of Biggie, R.I.P." Combs.

Jennifer "J.Lo" Lopez

It is so embarrassing to watch Jennifer Lopez try to act like she is from the street. It is like watching American Idol and they have huge mega stars come out and try to sound excited about the versions of their songs these snot-nosed kids are singing. Listen - we appreciate the effort but you might pull something trying to fake smile that hard.

John "Cougar" Mellencamp.


The guy from "Little Pink Houses" is supposed to frighten me like a cougar?

That is like Bryan Adams giving himself the nickname "Velociraptor".

Where do celebrities get off giving THEMSELVES nicknames? Just a bunch of egomaniacs - think they can just make up anything and have everyone start using it as their name. Just use your name like everyone else! You aren't special.

Signed -

That's N A R M.


Rhymes with arm.

Don't you dare get it wrong.

I'm from the street.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Real World

It seems that as of late, blogging and Twitter are turning into a ghost town. A lot of my favorites have hung up their keyboards in favor of REAL interaction with REAL people in REAL life.

But as I contemplated giving up that which I love so dearly, I thought of all of the good times...

Without social networking, how would I randomly say something in less than 140 characters and then have people I met one time two years ago comment on it?

Without social networking, how could I randomly know every single detail about that one guy that I went to high school with but was three years below me and I always forget his name?

Without social networking, how could I possibly know "Which Sex and the City You Would Be"? Or your Twittascope? Or what mood you are in? Drunk? Haha that totally sounds like you! I think. I don't really know you but you sent me a friend request on Myspace and you had one of those weird angle pictures that make girls look cute so I added you.

Without social networking, how can I keep up on the everyday workings of random strangers' lives? How can I leave witty comments about their updates? How can I track my blog traffic and feel like a better person because I got 20 comments?

You want me to give up social networking?

Get real.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Love In An Elevator

I once had a female friend come up and ask the following -

"Hey, my friend and I were arguing over whether ______ is well endowed. Is he?"

You will never see a man stumble over his words and get more flustered than if you ask him about the endowment of some random acquaintance. Our brains shut down - a thousand things run through our mind - mostly surrounding the fact that you must assume we are gay. Is our shirt gay? Did we say something? Does this mean you and I aren't going to make out later?

So after asking for further clarification, she said, "Well, ya know, you look when you are in the bathroom, right?"


Do girls really think that guys take a quick peek over at their neighbor at the urinals?

"Hey Jim"

"Hey Kyle"

"Nice one ya got there."

"Oh this little thing? It's nothing. Thanks, man."


There is no quicker way to get in a fight than to take a peak at a guy's manhood in the bathroom.

Let me put it this way, Ladies - you know when you get in an elevator and it is just you and someone else that you don't know? You stare at the wall or at the buttons or anywhere in the entire elevator that isn't them. You pretend that their entire existance is like visual acid that will burn your eyeballs out of your head. Like you will turn to stone if you make eye contact - like you just happened to step on an elevator with Medusa.

For dudes, other dude's privates are exactly like Medusa.

I mean the guy will turn to stone...not his privates.

Oh hell, he was average, ok?

Monday, July 6, 2009

Earning Interest

You know in cartoons how you can always tell the bad guy because he has a curly mustache and a black hat and is trying to tie people to railroad tracks?

For women, the word "Interesting" is their railroad tracks.

Used in a sentence -

"I just think it is interesting that you had time to watch the entire game but couldn't make it to my aunt's cousin's 3rd wedding anniversary."

"I just think it is interesting that when I came back from the bathroom you were supposed to get me a drink but instead you are standing within 30 yards of another girl."

I'm not a thesaurus but I don't think "interesting" is a synonym for "infuriating". Or "not putting out".

I have to hand it to you, though, ladies - it is GENIUS! How can we argue? If we start to argue you just fall right back on, "I'm not mad...I just think it is interesting." You totally put our thing down flip it and reverse it and now WE are the ones trying to pick a fight.

Saying "interesting" is like punching a guy in the nose - he gets all disoriented and confused. To us, the only things that are interesting are explosions, sporting events in high definition and anything on the History Channel - and we're pretty sure your aunt's counsin's 3rd wedding anniversary wasn't on the History Channel. If it was, we forgot to Tivo it and we are sorry.

The amazing thing is that we can have an entire discussion where you say the opposite of being angry.

Guy - What's wrong?

Girl - Nothing.

Guy - Are you sure? You seem upset.

Girl - I'm fine.

Guy - Is it about the party?

Girl - I just think it is interesting you were too busy to even come for a little bit.

Girls have turned the entire English language into a giant game - a game that guys have no chance of winning.

It is truly interes...fascinating.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

WyW - Dead Sexy Edition

Is that rigor mortis setting in or are you just happy to see me?

That's right it's time to quit searching for a heart beat and start searching for love on - Would Ya Wednesday on Thursday - Dead Sexy Edition.

R.I.P. Morals

Quick note before we get started, unlike R Kelly, these selections are age specific. So don't jump to conclusions until you have taken that into consideration. (This is the same thing I tell the cops when I sit outside of the junior high cheerleading practice.)

Our first contestant is Farrah Fawcett in her older years. A lot of people still thought she was dead DEAD know what I mean...oh boy. This is awkward.

Farrah Fawcett was 100% sexy in the 70's. If I were to make a pie chart of her sexyness I would just draw a circle and write RAWR in it with little hearts. If I were to make a pie chart of her in the last few years it would be about 65% plastic and silicone. The rest would be fake tanner.

Our next contestant is Thriller Era Michael Jackson. I know, I know - he got creepy in his old age - but young Jacko was a pimp. Look at that kid, he's all, "Yeah girl I'm totally going teen wolf in this music video and you still want to get all freaky. Suckit Michael J. Fox. I might even let when of those zombies join in."

And just think ladies - if you are good you can make him scream for his Mommy. If you are REALLY good you can make him scream for his Momma see momma saw mom-ma coo sa. You little tomcat, you. You just better hope he has more than the Jackson 5.

If you are new to WyW these are the rules - I reanimate two celebrities and you tell me if you would like to roll in their grave or if you think they would just lay there.

And remember - these two may have passed away - but your herpes will live forever.

Farrah Fawcett

Michael Jackson

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Top 5 Steve Buscemi Movies

Obviously Brad Pitt and Robert Pattinson are mere afterthoughts to the pure rugged good looks of Steve Buscemi - and that is why I am dedicating today's post to my Top 5 Steve Buscemi performances.

1 - Reservoir Dogs

2 - The Big Lebowski

3 - Con Air

4 - Armageddon

5 - Billy Madison

I can't think of a single movie that Steve Buscemi couldn't have made even more awesome. He is like the bacon of Hollywood. Have a boring movie and need to spice it up? Buscemi Bits!

Case in point - Armageddon. I have no business liking this movie - then you throw in some Steve Buscemi and a cheesy Aerosmith song and now I'm stuck on my couch for 3 hours.

I have to imagine the guy who directed Armageddon was in the theater watching it after it came out and was like -

"Man - there aren't nearly enough Liv Tyler shots in this movie.

And it is getting pretty cheesy - Ben Affleck might have been a horrible decision.

Wait...what's this? STEVE BUSCEMI!

Man, I'm glad I called THAT guy*!"

(*For those counting that is my third Billy Madison reference in the last week - it isn't even for fun anymore - it is a legitimate problem. Do they make a patch for this? I can quit anytime I want...I swear...I just don't want to...'He called the shit poop' ...ahhhhhhhh!)