Monday, July 13, 2009

Brush It Off

Guys are simple. I have no idea why girls can't figure this out. In fact, Vanilla Ice even spelled it out pretty clearly in his hit song "Ice, Ice, Baby"

"If you gotta problem, yo, I'll solve it."

BAM. Lyrical genius.

Guys see the entire world that way - what is the problem, how can I fix it?

Now, the "problem" may be that the guy is not currently making out with a girl - which explains why guys are sleezeballs - they are trying to solve THAT problem. But that is for another day.

Here is an example of a guy's train of thought -

"Hmmm, my toothbrush looks like Carrot Top's head...I better go buy a new one."

Guy then goes to the store, picks up some random toothbrush based on some factor - extra bristles, tongue cleaner, Batman logo - and takes it to the counter and pays whatever price is for that toothbrush because that toothbrush is obviously the best.

Girls - no chance.

A girl will come home from the store with a stack of eight toothbrushes because her "favorite" toothbrush was on sale for a "crazy deal".

We, as guys, don't understand this.

Who needs eight toothbrushes? Maybe Jewel because her snaggle tooth rips those puppies to shreds, but what normal girl needs eight toothbrushes?

Second, who has a FAVORITE toothbrush? I, apparently, do have enough intimacy with my toothbrush to have developed a lasting relationship. I have no idea what brand it is or any distinguishing features. I know it has this, like, handle thing...and maybe some bristles on the end. I can't confirm that. If you asked me to name my favorite toothbrush I would say the giant one in Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

Finally, how do girls know how much a toothbrush costs to do a comparative analysis? When my toothbrush kicks the bucket and it is time to buy a new one - Target could name any price they wanted. If I walked in and every toothbrush was $30 I wouldn't blink. My brain is too busy arguing that Dan Marino's 1984 season was more impressive than Tom Brady's 2007 season to contain information about Oral-B.

Or maybe I'm just pissed my new toothbrush doesn't have a Batman logo.

22 comments:

The Maiden Metallurgist said...

And now Ice Ice Baby will be stuck in my head for two weeks. Thanks for that.

Mel said...

I've actually met Vanilla Ice. At a frat party. I even took a picture with him. This was after he poured his beer on the audience in the front row. Yes, I was in the front row. I look AWESOME in the picture.

Ashley said...

"Now, the "problem" may be that the guy is not currently making out with a girl"

...'making out'...right....

De Nada said...

It could be worse, you could have a Robin toothbrush.

LBluca77 said...

Who are these girls you know that own 8 toothbrushes? I have one, thank you very much.

Allison M. said...

we shop for color then pricing. easy as that.

miss. chief said...

hahaha that's too funny because my boyfriend is the price analyzer, and i'm the one who runs into a store and grabs whatever and doesn't look twice at the receipt. we joke about it all the time.

Lana said...

do you get the bubblegum toothpaste too?

Deutlich said...

i'm glad you brush your teef

Christina_the_wench said...

When and if some poor girl says "yes" to you on one knee, you will appreciate that she shops around. It will leave more beer money for you in the end. Mark my words.

LiLu said...

Suddenly, I feel an unnatural desire to wear Hammer Pants...

lacochran said...

One of my friend's kids has a Spongebob toothbrush. I soooo wanted it. Damn you, social conventions!

Lemmonex said...

See, I always buy whatever is on sale when it comes to toothbrushes, toothpaste, toilet paper...that stuff is no fun so who cares.

Matt said...

Just dont spout off about Marino being better than Elway. We'd have to debate that one out.

Tdub said...

haha the differences in the female and male minds. I actually just blogged about this. =)

Stephanique1 said...

Get your toothbrush free from your dentist like I do. Problem solved.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

This is so funny! Everything you say in this post about men is actually true for me. Maybe I am secretly a man at heart.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

i love when you clump all women into one type of person (sarcasm), the type of person who is crazy and buys 8 toothbrushes (who does that?!?)

8 shampoos MAYBE but not toothbrushes.

Ben said...

Jason owns a shocking amount of toothbrushes for no particular reason.

GAY.

Mike said...

Now I gotta take those extra toothbrushes back or I won't feel manly anymore.

TheGuy said...

How dare you invoke the name of Rob Van Winkle in such a manner!

Andhari said...

A sign that I'm not fully a grown up woman yet : I don't buy tooth brushes in bulks with price comparation analysis too. I usually just see if it's in my favorite color ( bubblegum purple ) or not.:p