Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Give Me Coffee or Give Me Death

I think history romanticizes the Boston Tea Party a little too much.

Can you imagine how pissed those guys had to be? They get all bombed up on beer and then head out and dump all the tea into the water. Yay! Happy good times! Lets dress up like Indians and break shit! Yippee!

But then the next morning they wake up with giant headaches and their wives all want them to take them out to breakfast but there is NO TEA. NO CAFFEINE ANYWHERE.

I don't think they thought that one through. I think the entire revolution against the red coats was based on the fact that the Americans were cranky as hell from not having any caffeine.

I can just see an early American sitting at his day job without any caffeine and a red coat walks up -

"JESUS man - could your coat BE any brighter? I'm trying to fucking work and you come prancing around in your goddamn neon coat. It's fucking 8am. EIGHT AM. Who the hell do you think you are? Fuck this, I'm revolting."

If you thought the prohibition was bad - imagine if they outlawed coffee. There would be checkpoints where officers would look into your eyes - "We've gotta user over here! It's not even 10am and this guy has an obvious will to live! CUFF HIM!"

Imagine the suicide rate on Monday mornings if there was no caffeine. It would be 100%. Nuclear war is less of a threat than losing all caffeine. An asteroid the size of Mars doesn't scare me as much as someone killing Juan Valdez.

Aliens would come to our planet the day after the end of caffeine and just find millions of people hung by their neckties. Or stabbed to death with their high heels.

And they would be PISSED they couldn't get a cup of Starbucks.

15 comments:

Lily said...

I'm still waiting for them to come out with an IV coffee drip....

zwinggi said...

i find your post offensive. they were protesting tyranny for god sakes. tyranny of a 1 schilling tax. not the tyranny of stealing and raping the land of the native peoples, but the tyranny of a 1 schilling tax. which is awful. never shall they suffer under the 1 schilling tax structure. the tyranny of a racist, misogynistic, slavery-laden state shall be held on the back-burner, because they are taxed. taxed 1 schilling. on tea. fuck tea.

Christina_the_wench said...

There are not enough Tim Horton's in Ohio. That's why I won't move back.

On a side note, zwinggi scares me.

Narm said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
moooooog35 said...

I think zwinggi said it best.

Just kidding.

That guy is fucked up.

Maybe we should make him some tea.

Maxie said...

Wait. So are you saying you'd rather give up alcohol than coffee?

Marie said...

COFFEE WILL NEVER BE PROHIBITED!!!

I feel very strongly about this.

Kellie said...

I get my caffeine from red bull vodkas. It has dual purpose obviously. (I'm kidding but I wish I wasn't... b/c of a thing called work and they frown against being drunk there).

Mike said...

I can't STAND coffee. It's the most vile tasting &%$* on the planet. Look up "supertaster" in wikipedia and you'll see why I'm normal and you're not. (you were looking for a reason to dye your tougue blue, weren't you?)

Angela said...

Thankfully decaf does just fine for me.

Gilahi said...

"Fuck this, I'm revolting."

You certainly are!

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week. Try the veal!

Lana said...

my new diet of coffee and air is all that sustains me, and i've never been happier.

Zan said...

They can keep coffee if they'd legalize weed. Too much caffeine makes me an irritable bitch...

...More of an irritable bitch than I already am, which is saying A LOT.

Andhari said...

If there was no coffee I probably would snap at literally EVERYONE. Coffee keeps me sane, dfinitely.

GingerMandy said...

i'd probably be a murderer without coffee. yea, no doubt i'd be a murderer, but at least it would be justified.