Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Do You Like Me? Yes. No. Maybe.

Two of my favorite Cleveland bloggers gave me some bloggy style love today. I love both of their blogs and appreciate them stroking my ego enough to make my head even bigger than it already was.

Thanks to Mel over at Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Your Boyfriend for the following award:

Her weekly "Penis Tuesday" feature might be the greatest weekly event in my life (right behind my weekly shower). She always squeezes every bit of fun out of Cleveland better than anyone I have ever seen.

Special thanks to my penis for enabling me to be in the running for this award.

Also thanks to -A at Encounters of the Human Kind. Her posts are always extremely thought provoking and I need to apologize for the amount of times I work fart jokes into my comments on her page. She has bestowed upon me the Arte y Pico award:

Please check her blog out and join in what is always an interesting discussion (and if you leave an intelligent comment you will cancel my stupid one out - the same reason you should vote this year.)

So my instructions were to nominate a few of the other blogs that I enjoy - lets start with the first award -

Goes to -

Confessions of a Cohabitant - she enjoys calling guys idiots as much as I enjoy calling girls bat shit crazy.

Surviving Myself - because when people are idiots he says all the witty, awesome things that I only come up with fifteen minutes after they walk away.

Your Beard Is Good - I am pretty sure he is just a cartoon character that gets in crazy situations everyday because no one person should have as many good stories as he does.

A Taste of Fresh Banana Puddin' is hysterical and I am pretty sure is picking up my party slack since I have become uncool.

Cleveland's A Plum - another hysterical blog that captures the goings on in Cleveland better than I ever will. Also introduced me to Carl Monday's Jackin It Also didn't run away screaming when we met at the bar which means our meeting went better than my foray into online dating - ZING!

And for the Arte y Pico award -

- his writing style and alcohol intake are both impressive - and he is a staunch supporter of the "Bears and Scarier Than Sharks" campaign.

Mental Poo - although part of me is angry at how many times his custom pictures have made me laugh out loud in my office as my boss walks by.

Speak On It - because her dance moves to NKOTB brought all the boys to the yard (watch the video). And she is manages to fit a lot of humor and insight into some serious topics.

*** I fucked up. It was BSB - not NKOTB. I feel terrible for this. I am pretty sure I could be arrested for slander. I don't know what slander means but I'm sticking with it because I am a jerk. Sorry Deutlich!

Half Deserted Streets - when I see this name I always think it says Desserted and I want to know how dessert became a verb and why I never dessert. But beyond that she is extremely creative and the Testaments series has been funny, hilarious and insightful at the same time.

Ok there are so, so, so many more but I am running out of energy and compliments. This blog is supposed to be all about ME damnit!

Oh - the rules -

1) Choose 5 blogs that you consider deserving of this award based on creativity, design, interesting material, and overall contribution to the blogger community, regardless of the language.

2) Post the name of the author and a link to his or her blog by so everyone can view it.

3) Each award-winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award.

4) The award-winner and the presenter should post the link of the “Arte y pico” blog, so everyone will know the origin of this award.

5) Please post these rules.

6) Buy Narm lots of pretty things.

Monday, July 28, 2008

My Neighbor

If you were to make a list of the coolest dudes ever it wouldn't probably go something like this:

1. James Dean
2. Jesus
3. Simon Pegg
4. Frank Sinatra
5. Mr. T

But you would be wrong. Because Fred Rogers is the coolest dude to ever walk through the Neighborhood of Make Believe. And that is NOT a knock on Prince Tuesday.

Normally I wouldn't trust a man with two first names - but luckily Fred has that little "s" at the end of Rogers that makes him a-ok in my book. I mean the man was a legend, loved by all - and still put his shoes on one at a time, just like everyone else. has a story on why Mr. Rogers is the Best Neighbor Ever.

No argument here,

But their #1 reason for him being the Best Neighbor Ever? "Even Koko the gorilla loved him." That is a TERRIBLE reason! Mr. Rogers is a buffet of awesome - and you choose the fact that some gorilla liked him?

Fuck that gorilla. So it knows sign language - what the hell does a gorilla really have to talk about?

"Hey Koko! How is your day?"


"I'll get one in a minute - did you study today?"


"In a bit - have you just been hanging out all day?"


"Hanging out? Get it? Because you are a gorilla?"


"Oh cmon - that was funny!"

"Ok, seriously - I just want a fucking banana - now walk your ass over there and get one for me. I'm like 600 lbs heavier than you and I have these huge teeth. Do you see these? They'll kill you. I'd get it but I walk on my knuckles and by the time I get back to this La-Z-Boy the banana will be destroyed and there is no WAY I am watching Mr. Rogers without my banana."

Koko is a bitch.

Mr. Rogers didn't have time for that Koko drama - Mr. McFeely is bringing a delivery and someone has to feed those fish ASAP. If you don't agree with me, read the article and try to give me one good reason that Mr. Rogers is not Best Neighbor Ever.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

The Dark Knight

Before I get into the important stuff I need to nerd out and say that I saw the Foo Fighters this past weekend and Pat Smear came out and played guitar while Dave Grohl sang "Marigold" - which, if you aren't a huge nerd, is an old Nirvana B-side from the "Heart Shaped Box" single. Since I was 11 when Kurt died this is the closest I could get to real Nirvanaing and I more or less jumped up and down like a little girl and ran home to put on a bunch of flannel and complain about my parents. Awesome.

That was Friday. Saturday I went...for the second see The Dark Knight. For those of you keeping score, that is 5 hours of my life dedicated to a man-crush on Heath Ledger. After my man-boner for Dave Grohl the night before it took me three hours of locking myself in a room with pictures of Jessica Alba everywhere to straighten myself out.

But lets stay on track - I'd like to get something off of my ridiculously toned chest.

Batman is not a Superhero.

Even saying he is a Superhero is insulting to REAL Superheroes - in fact, I just talked to Captain America and he locked himself in his room and is crying. I tried to talk to him but he just kept screaming, "I HATE YOU" and playing Good Charlotte songs really loud.

Lets look at the facts.

Superhero (su·per·he·ro) n. A figure, especially in a comic strip or cartoon, endowed with superhuman powers and usually portrayed as fighting evil or crime.

Batman is a figure, he is in a comic strip, and he fights evil and crime. What is missing? NO SUPERHUMAN POWERS. If Batman is a Superhero, then Chief Wiggam is a Superhero.

Superman has the superhuman strength and flying, Wonderwoman has the ability to turn me on and Spider has the ability to make people take Tobey Maguire serious as an actor.

Batman is just a really rich guy that has all kinds of crazy gadgets, like Steve Jobs but Batman fights Supervillains instead of Bill Gates. (Depending on your opinion of Bill Gates I may have just proven that Steve Jobs IS Batman).

I will not dispute Batman is awesome - but Superhero he is not. I realize this argument will fall on deaf ears to you Batman fans because the Lady Friend and I had this argument for nearly 20 minutes after walking out of the movie - her main point coming back to the fact that Batman was "Awesome". Does that make ME a Superhero? Because we all know I am awesome - and I am WAY too busy to start fighting crime. That and I don't think Nickelback and Carlos Mencia count as Supervillains.

Anyways the argument with the lady was going in circles until the following comment was made -

"I'd still fuck him."

The girlfriend agreed.

Friday, July 25, 2008

A Few Good Ads

I don't know how many of you work in advertising but this spoof was too good not to post.

I'm having trouble convincing myself that advertising is, in fact, not the end of the world. That, believe it or not, if someone doesn't see an ad for one of our products, no one will die. Except me, because I will be fired and then not pay rent and become one of the countless homeless people in Cleveland.

I have to imagine it wouldn't be that hard to round up a bunch of homeless people into some form of Homeless Army. People are easiest to control when they are desperate - hard to be much more desperate than homeless people (unless you are Cory Feldman looking for a gig).

I want to be the Homeless Moses. I want to lead my people to freedom - and by freedom I mean the parking lot behind Cleveland Browns Stadium. Aluminum cans for days! Thank YOU alcoholic Browns fans! And aluminum cans are the currency of homeless people. I'd pimp out my shopping cart-house and get ALL the homeless ladies.

And with my Homeless Army could march downtown and start a Homeless Band. Homeless people have it all wrong with their solo act. No one is impressed Saxophone Guy - you'd be third chair at best. And Bongos Guy - seriously - no one wants to listen to bongos unless they are hippies - and hippies aren't even real people. But together - the Homeless Band could play ironic songs like the Stones' "Gimme Shelter". I would give money to a band of homeless dudes playing ironic songs about them not having a place to live. I would slap my knee and say, "Oh you crazy homeless people! Here's a nickel!'

And we would garner so much popularity that politicians would fight for our votes. They would storm the streets and shake our dirty hands in our gloves with the fingers cut off and throw quarters in our oversized plastic cups. Soon national attention would be paid to the Homeless Moses and his Homeless Army playing ironic songs in their Homeless Band. America would rest in the hands of who Homeless Moses backed in the election - and lets face it - the Homeless Army would totally be going for Barack. He speaks to the homeless person. He'd approach my cardboard box and I'd say:

"Barack, do you have any change?"

And he would respond:

"Yes I do, Homeless Moses, I have a Change You Can Believe In."

Barack Obama in 2008
Homeless Moses said so.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Someone Kiss A Frog ASAP

Music is the lifeblood that keeps me going through the day. I have been working quite a few 10,11,12 hour days lately and without the sweet sounds of music tickling my ears I am pretty sure I would explode - and that would be messy. And be inconvenient for my roommate because then he would have to pay rent by himself. Man would he be pissed.

This morning has been kind of a bitch to me. I got up late, rewarding myself for an extremely long day yesterday, and everything seemed fine. Then traffic hit. Then I forgot white socks for my softball game - meaning I have to wear khaki colored argyle socks with my bright red cleats. Then I spilled burning hot coffee on my hand.

But that was nothing. Most of that is because I am an idiot - and I have learned to accept that.

What I can't accept is when my iTunes hides Prince from me.

You son of a bitch, iTunes - I want When Doves Cry and I want it now.

It was there yesterday - the entire Purple Rain album. I started my morning with Let's Go Crazy and danced through Purple Rain. I thoroughly enjoy making other people feel weird inside because they are trying to talk business and I want to tell them about Darling Nikki. I don't give a shit if Prince isn't exactly the Straight Man's Anthem - dude wails on the geetar and I am pretty sure he is a magical elf. You want to make fun of a magical elf? I'm sure that will go well. Don't come crying to me when the Magical Elf Formerly Known As Prince turns you into a urinal cake. You had it coming, Dude.

Besides, if Prince isn't a REAL man do you think he would be able to mustache? Let the man with the most facial hair cast the first stone.

Monday, July 21, 2008

The Coolest Thing That Has Happened To Me Ever

Everyone has had the Best Day Ever. If you are married you are obligated to say it was your wedding day - or the day your first child was born. If you are single it was probably that day that you hit all six cups in beer pong on your first six throws and the other team had to shotgun a beer. Or that time you totally copped a feel on that drunk girl's boob when was passed out. Or the day Murder She Wrote came out on DVD.

But my Best Day Ever is today, Reader.

We just got new phones in the office and I now have the ringtone from 24.

In other words...



This is the worst thing to happen to my coworkers since that time I wore a mustache into the office and they weren't sure if I was being serious or just being stupid. Ever try to compliment someone's mustache? It is impossible. "Wow - you barely look like a pedophile!"

But now that I have the 24 ringtone, every call is the most dramatic thing in the world.

"Hey Narm, could you send me that file we talked about earlier? I need to share it with the client."


Then I do a crazy somersault from my desk and take off running - all while giving a stare that says, "Yeah, I'm a badass - but underneath this Kevlar is a heart of gold."

I can also do the Jack Bauer "Angry Whisper". What is cooler than getting a few inches from someone's face and whispering something while also yelling? It's like mixing Vince McMahon with Marlon Brando in The Godfather - except not like that at all. I would think this voice would be helpful - since most of my job is negotiating - but then I remembered - Jack Bauer doesn't negotiate with terrorists! Umm...or...vendors.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go save the world from a life without advertising.

You Gotta Stay Positive

So the Hold Steady show was amazing. Using my stomach as a mixing bowl for Crown Royal, Jameson, PBR and Jager was...well...not.

But while at the concert randomly talking to people because I suffer from "Don't know when to shut the fuck up" I came to the realization that about 72% of the population is socially awkward.


I am not saying I am the life of the party - but I like I can have a conversation with a stranger without making their palms sweat (unless it is a girl - my looks have been known to make girls break out in sweats).

^ Sweats that girls sometimes break out from talking to me

If you sit down and think about it - when you have an actual conversation with a stranger - how often do you come out of that convo thinking "That guy was normal! I think I'll walk at a normal pace with my back turned to him now."


There is always an awkward moment where you spring from the conversation like so many babies from Brittney Spears' clown car of a womb and do that awkward trying-not-to-look-like-you-are-walking-too-fast-but-really-you-just-want-to-get-the-fuck-out-of-there dance. It's like the Soulja Boy Dance but with less sexual references.

Note to strangers - I don't care about your kids or strange health problems - my standing next to you in line does not make me care that your new heart medicine makes you sweat profusely. In fact - I had already noticed that and placed you in the Creepy Column.

Am I alone in this? Is it me that is a creep? Because I am fine with that - I just think it would be nice to know now so that I can explain why I am sweating so much.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

The Rock Show

These are all of the socks I am bringing tonight as I am assuming The Hold Steady are going to rock them the fuck off.

This past month has been like a warm-up for Rocktober - I will have seen Tom Petty, Radiohead, Langhorne Slim, the Foo Fighters, The Hold Steady and this ridiculous red-neck cover band that played all Skynyrd, ZZ Top and Georgia Satellites before randomly busting out INXS' Suicidal Blonde. I mean it is a popular song but in no way INXS' most popular song - and doesn't exactly fit with the rest of the songs they played. Most red-necks don't wear INXS shirts with their Dale Jr. hats. I can hear it now:

"That singer guy died doin' WHAT?"

I guess you might need to know how Michael Hutchence died to get that joke. And know who Michael Hutchence is. I'm going to chalk that joke up as a fail.

Anyways my plan for tonight is to totally be concert guy. Downin PBR and screaming lyrics - I get to pretend to be an indie kid for one day. It's like St. Patty's Day but with tighter jeans.

There was no real point to this post other than the fact that I am going to be too juiced up on PBR's tonight to have any hope of functioning tomorrow.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Woman Overboard

I don't know if you've noticed this or not, but every now and then I give the species of women a hard time.

Oh, you had noticed? Really? Is it that obvious? REALLY? Even though I...



Well I take it all back because girls have one of the most important skills on earf.

Going overboard.

I used to hate this skill. I would come into third grade science with my posterboard covered in macaroni dinosaurs while Susie McWorksalot (not her real name) would come in with glitter, puffy-paint and her home-science-lab-created pet dinosaur which she has trained to do tricks like make the entire class delicious confetti cupcakes.

That ten year old bitch. I'm sorry I was too busy watching Fraggle Rock to devote my life to the science fair. We'll see how she likes those boogers I wiped on her desk.

But then in college I learned something - don't fight the fury - ride it. Ride it like the wind! Or something that provides a better visual for riding. Like a bike. Or lightning.

It became most useful around graduation when I had long since mailed in my college career. In my defense - it is REALLY hard to find time to buy the cap and gown, register for graduation, take all of my finals AND be an alcoholic at the same time. I'm not a miracle worker. Luckily I had friends with female parts that were not only graduating as well - but on every committee in America (North America, lets not get crazy) to peel my ass out of bed and make me go get shit done.

How do girls do it? How do you just KNOW all those important details that I don't hear because I am too busy thinking about how awesome it would be if there was a zombie outbreak. You laugh now but if there WERE a zombie outbreak you can be damn sure I'd know where all of the exits and blunt objects were. Yeah Copper, keep shooting him in the chest - he's a ZOMBIE - everyone knows you have to remove the head. I am pretty sure the first thing I would do in a zombie outbreak is rip off my sleeves. Heroes don't have time for sleeves - we have time to save. Follow me to freedom. And all the while the girls were paying attention to unimportant details about graduations. Who looks dumb now?

But anyways - even today I use Girls' Super Powers to my advantage. The other day I needed dress pants because all of my old ones had pleats. Don't ask. Like any other guy, I walked in, picked up the first two pairs in my size and went to try them on. Survival of the fittingest - whichever pair fits better wins and gets to spend a luxurious life on my hips. This is actually better than my normal method of just picking a pair and suffering through them whether they fit or not - so I thought I was making progress.


The lady friend brought me EIGHT pairs of pants to try on. EIGHT PAIRS. I found a pair I really liked and tried on three more pairs. Who does that? It was like Goldylocks - I have to try each pair in the store and ruin the fun for everyone. And why did the Bears leave the house with warm porridge? Why would you warm it up and THEN leave the house? They deserve what Goldylocks did to them for being idiots.

Bachelorette parties are the best example. A bachelor party is a bunch of guys at a bar getting hammered - really the only way you can tell it isn't a normal night is because one guy is so drunk he is being held up like a bad remake of Weekend at Bernie's. Girls go crazy, crowns and sashes and penis whistles and penis cake and penis jello shots.

I can't wait for all that traffic from people searching "Penis Cake".

But you get the point - girls go overboard. They know every single detail and plan every single event out to be perfect. Without girls to save me I am pretty sure I would be dead. And ungraduated. And that would be embarrassing - because no one likes an uneducated zombie.

Who is the hero now?

Sunday, July 13, 2008

To Catch A Predator

Friday after work I decided to head to my favorite bar, the Harbor Inn to meet up with the best blogger in all the land (the CleveLand) - Alexa from Cleveland's A Plum. She presented me with my amazing prize t-shirt and was generally way, way cooler than I'll ever be. Don't get too excited, though, Alexa - being cooler than me is like being better at bowling than Barack Obama. Thank you for the beautiful shirt, though - I will wear it with pride.

Well before meeting her I decided that I should hit up Happy Hour and get myself warmed up. My liver has taken some time off and I wanted to make sure she was ready for the barrage of Miller Lite coming her way. (For this story my liver has female genitalia, apparently).

Sitting at the bar by myself made me feel a little weird inside - I mean I was just sitting there pretending like I could hear the TV over the juke box. What to do? Strike up a conversation with a local? No go - I have a strict rule about only talking to people with more teeth than coffee stains on their shirt. My only other option was to play Photo Hunt.

If you haven't played Photo Hunt - it is one of those touch screen games in which you try to notice five differences between two photos. Easy peasy, right?

After throwing my money in and selecting the wonderful joy that is Photo Hunt I sat back, proud of myself for no longer looking like a creep sitting at the bar by my lonesome.

The game comes up - READY??? It asks.

Bring it, Photo Hunt.

Then, BAM! Next thing I know a whirlwind of naked women and bad 80's hair hits me in the face like Iron Mike.

It was Erotic Photohunt.

I'm sitting at a bar -

by myself -

finger molesting pictures of 80's ladies in their birthdays suits.

Can you find five differences between these photos?

Friday, July 11, 2008

S/W/M seeking Long Weekend

I am a single, white male looking for a long weekend to spend my time with.

I enjoy:

Excessive drinking
Sporting events
Nice restaurants with the lady friend
Sleeping in

I dislike:

Business cards
Business casual

If interested please kidnap and get me the hell out of here.

Mondays need not apply.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Under The Sea

If The Deadliest Catch were a girl I would gladly buy her an expensive drink even though I knew she wasn't going to sleep with me. I might even buy her ugly friend (Mythbusters) a drink as well.

Thats a bad analogy - I would TOTALLY do Mythbusters.

Not THE Mystbusters...but if the show had somehow taken female form...

Ahhh - metaphorget about it.

Anyways for those of you that DON'T watch Deadliest Catch - all the cool kids are doing it! And if the cool kids jumped off a bridge you know you would - cuz who would want to be stuck in a world of ALL nerds? Not me.

Here are the Top 5 Reasons You Should Watch Deadliest Catch

1. Jonathon Hillstrand's U.S.A. jacket.

What is more American than leather jackets? American jackets with U.S.A. plastered across them. And Bruce Springsteen. Added bonus: Jonathon Hillstrand has a mullet that says, "I'm on TV and I don't care." You go, Jon.

2. Cigarettes for Days.

I don't smoke - but I understand that smoking is cool - because Saved by the Bell taught me people who smoke use hair gel and wear leather jackets (though not necesarily U.S.A. leather jackets.)

3. Baditude.

All men wish they were as bad ass as crab fishermen. Even firefighters who routinely have to climb tall tress to save boxes of kittens think crab fishermen are bad asses. I bet if you asked America's Biggest All-Time Badass, Moses, he would agree. Just cuz you can part the sea doesn't mean you can catch crabs. One of the guy's names is Sig. That name is even bad ass. His name alone could probably beat me in arm wrestling - but its unfair because I am left-handed so I am at a disadvantage.

4. Mike Rowe's Ridiculously Awesome Voice That Can Get Chicks Prego.

True story. If you listen to Mike Rowe's voice - you can get pregnant. Male or female. Your baby will also be born with puberty. I am not sure if puberty is a tangible object but I am positive that Mike Rowe has a surplus in case there is every a puberty shortage. Is a puberty shortage an oxymoron?

5. No Other Options.

Your other choices are "I Survived a Japanese Game Show", "Hell's Kitchen", "48 Hour Mystery", or "America's Got Talent". Dumb. You could watch things with catching and deadly - instead of cooking and David Hasselhoff. Not to mention Deadliest Catch has things like "rogue waves" and "capsizing". What does "Hell's Kitchen" have? Too much oregano? Next thing you know you'll be watching the Bachelorette!

Let me recap last night's episode: One guy broke a bunch of ribs and was coughing up blood, two guys got in a fist fight and one boat almost capsized because they were covered in ice. Awesome. That's more action than Grey's Anatomy has seen in an entire season!

"Oh look a new doctor"
"Let's call him McQueeny"
"Ooooh I hope we have flitty conversations with sexual innuendos!"

BAM! I just wrote an entire season of Grey's Anatomy. Done. Spoiler alert: it still sucks. You should probably watch Deadliest Catch now.

Monday, July 7, 2008



I'm watching the Bachelorette.

How did this happen? I am so strong in my stance against reality TV (besides Deadliest Catch, Wipeout and 24). And I crumble for the Bachelorette? Not just the last ten minutes, either. I managed to see a majority of the two hour finale as well as the one hour "After the Rose" special. That is three hours of my life I will never get back. I could have run a marathon in that amount of time. Ok, I personally could not have run a marathon in that amount of time - but people who are in shape could have. I'm in shape, it's just that my shape is an oval.

I actually just said to my roommate -

"This is the most ridiculous show I have ever seen and I demand that you turn it up immediately."

But while watching one of the few broadcast shows I have watched in the last few months - I realized an epidemic sweeping through America's youth. No, not obesity. Not over medication, either.

These kids are addicted.

So far I have learned that kids are hooked on phonics, stuck on band-aid brand and are taking to the streets demanding (albeit it politely) "More Ovaltine, please!"

When did this happen? How did this Lost Generation of Youth fall victim to the sweet temptation of phonetics - how did they rummage the streets with well bandaged knees - and lets face it, these kids are entirely too young for milk mustaches.

Who do I blame?


It ain't easy bein green, eh Kermit? Maybe because you can't get off the udder long enough to take out the trash and get Ms Piggy off your back. ONE FARM ANIMAL AT A TIME, KERMIE!


When is this reality craze going to end so we can stop corrupting our children and get back to programming that shows what life is REALLY like:

Solving violent crimes with your witty, sarcastic partner and sleeping with all of your co-workers at the hospital.

Urban Cowboy

One of my favorite things about going back to my Smalltown Ohio city is the fact that somewhere along Route 30 I hit a magical time warp back to 1989. Back in this magical land people believe Bryan Adams was actually around in 1969 and Eddie Murphy made movies that didn't contain this phrase, "Starring - Eddie Murphy, Eddie Murphy AND (dramatic pause) Eddie Murphy!" Wait - he's in a fat suit now! He's so multi-talented! Look at how many characters he plays!

Don't even get me started on the Big Bang theory. Maybe I am behind the times and trying to look like Poison is coming back around - but I doubt it (I'm holding on to my day-glo tube socks just in case).

But I can handle all of that. I've grown up with rednecks and I have come to appreciate Dale Jr. shirts, trucker hats and I understand wanting to take a ride on the handle-bar mustache (I think that came out wrong).

But there is a new, alarming trend sweeping smalltown America and I think, for the benefit of stereotypes everywhere, we need to unite against it.

The Fubu Cowboy.

Standing under the beer tent, sipping my Busch Light like any redneck - I counted countless Fubu jerseys, G-Unit shirts and quite a few other urban looking outfits.

I enjoy hip-hop fashion - but I find it ridiculous when little Johnny comes home from FFA and puts on a giant gold chain and his Rocowear jeans. You aren't exactly from the "street" when your address is "County Road ____" and isn't paved. Also I don't think they make a Calvin sticker where he is pissing on "Haters".

I understand the similarities - the Fubu Cowboy has readily available Carhart outlets and when taking his jacked up F-150 through the river banks he can say he is riding dirty - but lets look at possible miscommunication that could happen -

So next time you see this misguided soul - please hand him a Skynyrd record and point him in the direction of Larry the Cable Guy - we aren't far away from a Toby Keith "American Souja Boy" remix.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Fortune 7.3

My fortune today:

You will enjoy good health,
That is your form of wealth.

Bad news, Fortune Cookie, I just ate at a pay-by-the-pound Chinese buffet - so unless you mean that I just got a colonic for $7.04 - I am guessing my health isn't exactly optimum right now.


How about a different form of Or an endless supply of Pop-Snaps so I can scare away Homeless Guys when they ask me for change?

You are a cheap bastard, Fortune Cookie.

* I added this picture of my Cautionary Homeless Aversion through Non-violent General Explosives (C.H.A.N.G.E.) to clear up some confusion. Thanks Julie_Gong for pointing out the fact that these things have 1,000 different names and I should have made it more clear.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008


I <3 calling girls crazy. I <3 making fun of how girls take pictures of their feet and then post them on their Facebook and I <3 making fun of girls for complaining about guys being assholes and then saying they are turned on by "bad boys".

But mostly I <3 Heart.

Craaaaaaaaaazy On You...

Don't act like you didn't just sing that out loud.

I did.

Anyways - enough about <3ing. I'd like to take this opportunity to point out the fact that girls have to put up with a lot - mainly, drunk guys.

I was at a concert last week where a group of drunk guys decided to not only grab a friend of mine's ass - but to attempt to do it a second time - this time reaching his hand under her skirt. I grabbed the guy and shoved him away - to which he responded, "You better check yourself!"

I had better check myself?

What does that mean?

Why do guys say things that don't mean anything when we are about to get in a fight?

You better check yourself!

What are you lookin' at!

You better recognize!

Not in the face!

Nevermind the beating, I can take that shame - the embarrassing part is the fact that the guy bouncing my face off the bar just asked me if I was "looking for a beating."

Yes - I was going to get one off eBay but I hate paying for shipping.

But thats not the worst part. Is it THAT much of a thrill to grab a girl's turd cutter? No - it isn't - trust me. I've tried. I mean it was nice but then she didn't even call me the next day. Am I not pretty enough?

What base is grabbing a random, unconsenting girl's ass? It can't be first and it definitely isn't second. You can't even brag up grabbing some random girl's ass.

"Dude! I just totally grabbed that girl's ass!"

"What did she do?"

"Yelled at me and threatened to tell the cops"

"AWESOME! Let's do Jager Bombs!"

Maybe it is just me and I am the crazy one.

If you need me I'll be checking myself.

Top 5 Annoying Things Adults Say

I'm not real sure how this age thing works - I may be a bit hypocritical here - but why do old people love to throw out these one liners that have absolutely no acceptable response? They have catch phrases that are like stun guns. Really annoying stun guns.

What am I talking about?

I'm talking about the Top 5 Annoying Things Adults Say That Warrant Absolutely No Response. I've also added things I scream at the top of my lungs (the lungs in my head) when I hear these.

1. Hot enough for ya?

Yes - because it feels like I am in hell, now.

2. (while cleaning / mowing) Are you going to come do mine next?

Do you mean your daughter?

3. I remember when you were still in diapers!

Really? Because you seemed old to me then, too.

4. Back in MY day...

We'll see where that nickel gets you now, Grandpa.

5. I remember when gas was $2.50 a gallon!

Ahhh the good ol' days.