Thursday, January 28, 2010

State of the Moonion Address

Alright, America - it's time to take this relationship to the next level.

In this big game of Risk that is the World, it is time for the U.S. claim the moon as the 51st state.

That's how this works, right? Whoever shows up to a country first wins - like "Finder's Keeper's".

So lets get back up to the moon and claim that bitch. We've been there once, our flag is there - time to slap a McDonalds and a Wal-Mart and make it truly American.

Just think of all the power we could have if we owned the moon. Screw treaties - we'd have a missile launching station there and the world would be F'd. Missile defense? Bitch, we'll shoot your ass from outer space.

Plus we'd probably get to meet up with Aliens before anyone else. We could spread all kinds of rumors about France and get ET on our side. Imagine an army of aliens and U.S. soldiers coming down on China - right before battle we'd make them all watch Rudy just to get some extra juice flowing.

So, Obama, if you are reading this (and I assume you are) - it's time to claim the moon as the 51st state. With your leadership and influence, we could be only a few decades away from MTV's Real World - The Moon.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Fly Away

My fly is down.

Right now. I'm looking at it. Not "it" - but my zipper. And it is down.

How embarrassing.

And the worst part? This has been happening a lot lately. Like twice a week for the past two months.

Is this some kind of subliminal message from my brain? Does my subconscious want me to be naked?

Or maybe I am leading a secret double life as a giant pervert. I guess it wouldn't be THAT secret, but having my fly down is a pretty big step in the sexual predator ladder. Going from occasional offensive jokes to having your hootenanny hanging out is a pretty large leap. That'd be like working at the Gap and then trying to convince me you were ghetto (sorry, Kanye).

But this is somewhat concerning. How many times has my fly been down and I didn't realize it? When talking to an old lady in the street? My boss? That guy at Chipotle? That makes TWO of us getting extra meat.

But what I do appreciate is that no one has mentioned it to me. It is awkward enough to discover your fly has been down on your own - but to have someone else mention it to you is the worst. I would rather meet the Queen of England with my fly down than have someone tell me about it. There is no comeback from that. No witty lines. No way to come out ahead when someone notifies you that you are too stupid to dress yourself.

So if you see me walking around with my fly down I have one request -

Zip it.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Bacon Diet

As mentioned before, the Lady Friend is s strict vegetarian.

And it fucking rules.

Now, I see the Man Police coming to take away my Man Card and give me a Clay Aiken CD instead but let me finish (don't be the Kanye to my Taylor Swift, Reader).

About half of the time I eat vegetarian just because it is easier than making two meals. This isn't as bad as it sounds because almost everything involves cheese. Also, if you have been living under a rock, cheese is the greatest thing God ever invented. I would vote for cheese for president. I wouldn't even care about its stance on bacon.

But that is not the greatest thing about eating vegetarian.

Everyone I know is dieting. You are all trying to eat better and lose weight and get more fruits and vegetables in your diet.

Guess what? I eat that shit all the time now.

So what happens when I am on my own for dinner?

I can eat anything I like.

I had a dinner the other night that consisted of three different kinds of breakfast meats. It was like a menage a trois of delicious dead animal in my mouth. I may have killed off an entire species with that meal.

And don't even get me started on dessert. That shit is a three course meal now. The Oreos are just to get my palate prepared for the ice cream. But save room for the main course! Wouldn't want to miss out on the chocolate covered donuts!

And keep that Clay Aiken CD to yourself.

Monday, January 25, 2010

The Favre Side

Well, it is almost time for the Super Bowl.  Bring out the chip dip and the plasma TV's and funny commercials no one hears because everyone is talking.  It is time for the guys to get so drunk they are arguing about how the size of Peyton Manning's forehead actually helps him as a QB; and also for the girls to retreat to the kitchen to drink and complain about their boyfriends in the other room.
But it is not time for Brett Favre.  His tyrannical reign is over.  At least for this year. 
We are now in line for another year of "will he or won't he".  Sportscasters around the world will speak in hyperbole about how the all-time leader in interceptions somehow wills his team to victory.  People everywhere will somehow gloss over his implosions every year (the last 3 seasons have ended on an interception) and depict him as an every man. 
There has to be a way to combat Brett Favre.
We need to find someone who has even more power - someone who can unseat ANYONE - no matter their position of power or prestige.
That's right - for the 2010 season I think the new Vikings quarterback should be:
Jay Leno

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Love Harder

The internet is an incredible place - you can find a dramatic chipmunk, the three wolf shirt, and porn.

It provides an opportunity for people to reach out and really have an impact on individual's lives.

But enough about porn.

A group of bloggers put together the video below in support of Brandy and her Man Friend's battle with Multiple Myeloma.

The amount of time and coordination involved to organize something of this size is incredible (that's what she said). The video contains bloggers from around the country - and even foreign lands like Canada. Cleveland's own Alexa makes an appearance at the :13 second mark.

Please take a moment to watch the video, read their message and follow the links below.


Our Plea:

Our friend Brandy is a brilliant writer, a wonderful teacher, and a generous friend. And she is in love with a man who has just been diagnosed with multiple myeloma.

We are raising money for the Multiple Myeloma Research Fund in his name. For the price of a cinnamon dolce latte, half-caf, hold the whip, you can be part of an effort to cure a disease that affects approximately 750,000 people worldwide.

Every dollar brings us a dollar closer to a cure. And every donation brings a sliver of hope to a girl who needs all the hope she can get.

Love Harder,


What You Can Do:

Give. Be part of a worldwide effort to cure a disease that affects approximately 750,000 people worldwide. Every dollar helps.

Pass it on. Forward this story to five people. Share this blog post. Become our fan on Facebook.

Love harder. Life is short, love is unbending, and no one knows what could happen next. Tell someone you love them today.



Wednesday, January 20, 2010


I am one lazy bastard.

A lot of nights I stay up late just because I am too lazy to walk all the way upstairs to bed.

I am not afraid to text people who are in other rooms of the house just so I don't have to get up and talk to them.

I pay all my bills late - not because I am too lazy to write the check or go online - but because I am actually too lazy to even open the letter when it comes to my house.

I sleep with the lights on at least once a week because I am too lazy to get up and turn the lights off.

Personal hygiene becomes a battle of endurance as I avoid showering for 2,3...even 4 days.

I hate shaving - why do you think I have a beard?

But even with all that laziness - I still had the energy to donate $10 to Haiti by texting "Haiti" to 90999. It is easier than finding topless pictures of Lindsay Lohan - just text the info above and the $10 is added to your phone bill.

Afterward, I was so proud of myself that I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Well, not really - I was too lazy to actually spread the PB and J on so I just dipped the bread in the containers.

Same difference.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Have A Nice Trip

What a little asshole.

Kids are pretty much worthless as it is - they don't pay for dinner, they don't have conversations about the benefits of a 3-4 defense and they don't even have a favorite Guns'n'Roses song.

But the little asshole I saw this morning takes the cake.

This morning, as I headed across the icy roads of Cleveland, Ohio, I noticed a kid of about 7 years old walking down the side of the street.

Suddenly, he started doing a hilarious dance as his feet slipped on the ice. He looked like Christopher Reeves trying to do the Jamiroquai dance.

And then, he fell. Oh, how he fell. It was hilarious. I laughed out loud and slapped my steering wheel thinking, "Oh, how swell!".

Life was good.


That little son of a bitch bastard looked at his hands and they were bleeding. And he started CRYING!

Crying! Bleeding seven year olds crying on a busy street in 30 degree weather? Even I can't laugh at that!

So what went from a wonderous, hilarious event - suddenly turned me into the World's Biggest Asshole for laughing at the kid.

That bastard.

If I hadn't driven away so fast I would have given that bastard the finger.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Lilith Unfair

What happened, Ladies?

Remember when Lilith Fair was all the rage? Girls were singing about empowerment and women's rights.

What about now? Is Lady Gaga the new spokesperson for women everywhere?

Has the spandex unitard replaced unshaven armpits?

Hell, even the Spice Girls had "Girl Power"; now women's rights come down to "If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it."

I don't know that today's female superstars even know what "Zig-a-zig Ah!" means.

It seems that all that progress has been reversed. In fact, I only see one similarity between the dirty hippie movement of the late 90's and the glammed-up dance music of today -

"I kissed a girl and I liked it."

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Name Fail

This is a restaurant by my house. Their logo spells "Poo".

If you have the maturity level of a 5 year old, like me - this is the greatest thing to ever happen.

Lady Friend - "Narm - what do you want for dinner?"

Me - "POO!"

Lady Friend - "Har Har. Seriously, what do you want?"

Me - "The Poo Poo Platter."

(Maturity is overrated.)

Not to mention their name sounds like a sexual position -

"I got Pearl of the Orient last night."

I bet you did.

And if you are too "mature" for this, and don't think jokes with the word "poo" are comical. Well, they have a slogan for you -

It's All About Good Taste

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Star Wars

My 2 yr. old nephew on Christmas - trying to take his milk with him to play with his toys -

"But I want to take my milk to the Dark Side!"

Monday, January 11, 2010

I Have a Dream

Me, while talking to a college friend - "Do you remember what you wanted to be 'when you grew up' when we were in college?"

Friend - "Not really. Other than drunk."

Me - "I think I just wanted to be bearded."

Friend - "I just wanted to get knocked up by a rich guy and spend my life as a well dressed baby oven."

I'm glad we didn't set the bar too high.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Heartbreak, Helmets and Ryan Seacrest

I'm heartbroken and depressed. I'm battered and broken - alone and lonely.

Football season is almost over.

Like a summer fling, her parents are taking her back to California for school and after a few awkward post cards and a playoff game or two she'll gone.

"But now you'll have all weekend to do what you want - you aren't glued to the TV!" the Lady Friend says.

Maybe what I WANT is to yell at people on TV because they didn't get the fuck out of bounds to stop the clock.

Maybe I want to scream at the coach that he is an idiot and why the hell would he run a draw on 3rd and 9 - does he WANT the other team to win?

Maybe I want to want to have something to talk about when I am in forced awkward situations with other guys.

Without football I'll have to think up other things to talk about - like the weather or current events.

But the beauty of football is that the very nature of the sport means you get to yell - even when having mild conversations about it.

"Did you see that Colts game?" random guy I don't like will ask.

"I KNOW! Can you BELIEVE that hit? I thought he was dead. Really. I thought he was dead. I didn't think they were going to bring the golf cart out to get him - I thought they would just bring the hearse on the field."

Nope. Now my conversations will go like this -

"Man, some weather, eh?"

"Yeah, crazy. I hate the cold!"


See? I'm already yelling and making a scene and this is my own blog! Imagine what happens when I am at a bar or museum or church!

Football isn't a sport of aggression for the players - it is for the fans. It is like one big game of "my dad can beat up your dad" but we have logos and colors - like a modern day Braveheart.

But now it is all gone. I have to take my aggression out in other places. I have to find other reasons to blindly support someone and yell at others for disagreeing.

Luckily American Idol is coming up.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Vegetarian Vent

The Lady Friend is a vegetarian.

And it is goddamn annoying.

Not the whole only eating plants thing - to be honest that doesn't bother me. Eating well keeps my abs rock hard and makes it a lot easier to go home to the farm and look the cows in the eye. Don't judge me, Bessie, your cousin was delicious.


If it were 1827 I would understand the confusion. You could call her a witch and throw her off a mountain or try to drown her or whatever they did back then. But it is 2010, even if she WERE a witch she would probably just get her own sitcom and date one of the Jonas brothers.

She is a vegetarian - therefor - she doesn't eat meat. Got it?

Does she eat fish? Let's see; one fish, two fish, red fish, NO FISH!

But I understand the fish confusion - and the questions about eggs and can even stomach people who ask about shellfish.

But once a month, without fail, we will ask a waiter for a vegetarian option and they will say,

"We have a turkey wrap".

Really? You are going to make me explain to you that a turkey is a living animal? Do I need to get out a book of farm animals and make the 'moo' and 'cluck cluck' noises?

Or maybe she'll just have the salad, thanks.

But what a great ad slogan to make turkey relevant beyond Thanksgiving:

Turkey - the other not meat.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Door to Door Whore

I hate it when people stop by my house to sell me things. Listen people, maybe my dinner consists of three different kinds of breakfast meats and a bowl of Fruit Loops, who are you to judge me, Gas Meter Reader Guy?

But mostly I hate it because I always end up buying it. It is the reason I am getting AT&T's U-verse, it is the reason I have locked into my natural gas rate and it is the reason I bought cookies from a deaf girl.

You see, two high school girls came to my door to sell me their crack cookies and I thought I was going to be strong. They wanted $8 for some crappy box of mint cookies that were to Thin Mints as The College Years were to Saved by the Bell.

Their first weapon of attack was sending two cute high school girls to my door. Have I reached the point in my life where I don't need to throw on a little charm in front of high school girls? OF COURSE NOT - but there was no way I was buying those damn cookies for $8.

Next - the first girl gave me their sob story. Someone is hungry and cold and blah blah blah - listen, you can pull on my heart strings or you can pull my finger; but you are getting the same results. No chance I want your devil cookies, hot high school girl.

Then the other girl spoke.

And she was obviously deaf.

My heart melted, my wallet opened and I am now the proud owner of $8 crappy mint cookies.

Because I couldn't say no to a deaf girl.

Mostly because I'm not a horrible person.

But also because I don't know sign language.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Traffic Jamz

Things I could have done instead of sitting in a traffic jam for 1.5 hours this morning -

1. Done 8 Minute Abs 11.25 times

2. Watched "Pee Wee's Big Adventure"

3. Driven to Toledo

4. Played a regulation soccer game

5. Written a hysterically funny, politically conscious blog that would have solved world hunger and finally gotten Lindsay into rehab. But, since I got stuck in traffic, you get this.

Happy Monday.