Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Door to Door Whore

I hate it when people stop by my house to sell me things. Listen people, maybe my dinner consists of three different kinds of breakfast meats and a bowl of Fruit Loops, who are you to judge me, Gas Meter Reader Guy?

But mostly I hate it because I always end up buying it. It is the reason I am getting AT&T's U-verse, it is the reason I have locked into my natural gas rate and it is the reason I bought cookies from a deaf girl.

You see, two high school girls came to my door to sell me their crack cookies and I thought I was going to be strong. They wanted $8 for some crappy box of mint cookies that were to Thin Mints as The College Years were to Saved by the Bell.

Their first weapon of attack was sending two cute high school girls to my door. Have I reached the point in my life where I don't need to throw on a little charm in front of high school girls? OF COURSE NOT - but there was no way I was buying those damn cookies for $8.

Next - the first girl gave me their sob story. Someone is hungry and cold and blah blah blah - listen, you can pull on my heart strings or you can pull my finger; but you are getting the same results. No chance I want your devil cookies, hot high school girl.

Then the other girl spoke.

And she was obviously deaf.

My heart melted, my wallet opened and I am now the proud owner of $8 crappy mint cookies.

Because I couldn't say no to a deaf girl.

Mostly because I'm not a horrible person.

But also because I don't know sign language.

16 comments:

longredcape said...

"Hahaha, that dumbass totally bought it! That 'I'm deaf, pity me!' shit always works!"

"Haha, yeah! Let's go buy some meth."

zwinggi said...

$5 says she isn't deaf. you got hosed.

blue-eyed brunette said...

i love saved by the bell comparisons. they give me a warm fuzzy glow.

elle michelle said...

Do we live next door to each other? I had my own door-to-door whore visit last night. Something about saving the children...? I don't like kids though, so I sent her on her way in the frigid cold without so much as a penny.

I'm going to hell.

Craig Can't Dance said...

"listen, you can pull on my heart strings or you can pull my finger; but you are getting the same results."

This line is worth reposting. that is all

WannabeVirginia W. said...

what is everyone sayin' I can't hear! Send $10.00.

Fizzgig said...

hmmi think shaking your head side to side is the universal sign for no....I could be wrong though.

I don't answer my door. its not safe to. Usually its kids who want baking soda or viniger (my guess is to make meth) or someone wants to clean the snow off my car for money, or bum smokes.

Moooooog35 said...

That's why I always answer the door in a bloody apron and a cleaver.

I'm down 5 pounds!

Ed Adams said...

They used to get me all the time.

Especially the hot high school girls.

Ever since prison, I just have the wife answer the door.

Buck said...

I've often faked being deaf in order to not have to talk to panhandlers.

Works great.

lacochran said...

SAMOAS!!! Should held out for those.

Mike said...

I try selling things over the phone by pretending to be deaf but it never works.

Kristin said...

This post just made me want to have sex with you. I feel like I should apologize to someone for that. But I won't.

Andrea said...

I once had kids come to my door selling the newspaper I work for. I'm a bleeding heart but even I have my limits.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

you never fail to make me laugh.

Selaen said...

I generally turn off my lights and hide behind the sofa... That includes trick-or-treaters on halloween. Yeah, I'm a mean bitch. The sweeties are all mine. ALL MINE I SAY!!!! *evil laughter*

erm...... yeah.

xx