Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Bacon Diet

As mentioned before, the Lady Friend is s strict vegetarian.

And it fucking rules.

Now, I see the Man Police coming to take away my Man Card and give me a Clay Aiken CD instead but let me finish (don't be the Kanye to my Taylor Swift, Reader).

About half of the time I eat vegetarian just because it is easier than making two meals. This isn't as bad as it sounds because almost everything involves cheese. Also, if you have been living under a rock, cheese is the greatest thing God ever invented. I would vote for cheese for president. I wouldn't even care about its stance on bacon.

But that is not the greatest thing about eating vegetarian.

Everyone I know is dieting. You are all trying to eat better and lose weight and get more fruits and vegetables in your diet.

Guess what? I eat that shit all the time now.

So what happens when I am on my own for dinner?

I can eat anything I like.

I had a dinner the other night that consisted of three different kinds of breakfast meats. It was like a menage a trois of delicious dead animal in my mouth. I may have killed off an entire species with that meal.

And don't even get me started on dessert. That shit is a three course meal now. The Oreos are just to get my palate prepared for the ice cream. But save room for the main course! Wouldn't want to miss out on the chocolate covered donuts!

And keep that Clay Aiken CD to yourself.

18 comments:

Buck said...

First, you're a vegetarian -- then a vegan -- then a raw foodist.
The slippery slope.

Moooooog35 said...

* throws away Clay Aiken CD

PomJob said...

This line:


"Cheese is the greatest thing God ever invented."

takes your awesomeness up a notch.

Fizzgig said...

this is bad. since im running on coffee, and a pink grapefruit,a nd about to go workout before having my homeade chicken soup.

all things that pretty much suck, and dont involve cheese.

which, if im a registered cheesocrat, id vote for cheese!

everyone is on a diet, and working out. Its annoying me to no end cus they hog up room in the gym. i wish theyd all quit. i think that makes me a horrible person but i dont care.

longredcape said...

I try to get my boyfriend to eat veggie meals with me, but he just goes and eats 2 XXL chimichangas after I go to bed anyway.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

i think that the whole reason i'm cutting back on carbs is because i can't even imagine functioning with out meat and cheese.

ever.

zwinggi said...

I'm kind of annoyed with vegetarianism. Not about not eating meat, i couldn't care less about what people eat, but about the need to be distinguished from everybody else.

The way it seems to me is "I'm a big bad vegetarian, and I look down on your callousness at eating the rotten flesh of a living, breathing animal." Maybe i'm reading too much in to it. Maybe i'm insensitive. I guess that would make sense, i eat meat after all.

But I don't eat mushrooms, so if something has mushrooms on it, i ask them to hold the mushrooms. No one brings up my anti-fungal eating habits. All vegetarians need to do is say Caesar Salad, hold the chicken.

That said, it goes the other way with restaurants, maybe they should have more vegetarian meals. But just call them 'Broccoli Ravioli' or 'Lima Bean Casserole' or 'Cheese on a Plate'. No need to create a vegetarian section. It's all food, after all. I know there's no meat on 'Cheese on a Plate'. So order that instead of getting the 'Cheese on a Plate with Seared Rancid Flesh and Sticky Blood Juice'... though I see where one may be confused.

Narm said...

@Zwinggi - I think the problem arises in that a soup may be cooked in chicken broth or something of that sort - so vegetarians have to make sure to distinguish that it is 100% Bambi free. Otherwise they could get sick or pregnant or whatever happens to vegetarians who eat meat.

zwinggi said...

@Narm So it's like a peanut allergy.

Karen said...

My brother's a vegetarian and has been since he was three years old, so I didn't eat much meat either growing up (same reason: my parents didn't want to have to cook two meals). I do love meat, but I don't really think it's necessary to make a good meal. Lots of dishes are great without meat.
Unfortunately this doesn't really help me with losing weight. Maybe I would have to be a guy for that. Or ditch the candy.

Allison M. said...

meat and cheese make everything better. EVERYTHING

shine said...

With a threesome of breakfast meats, who needs lube?

Molly said...

Clearly you haven't yet discovered the rainbow of fake meats available at your local Giant Eagle. I'd say start with the soybean bacon and work your way up to the tofu pulled pork.

Ed Adams said...

Isn't being intimate with the Lady Friend the same as eating Vegetarian.

Oh wait...

That's eating A vegetarian.

Ashley said...

I love this. I'm a vegetarian (and so is my husband. And guess what? He's totally still a man. Promise.).

Vegetarian food isn't any less delicious. Seriously. Yum.

Ashley said...

Also, Narm, how adorable is it that you're aware that soup may not be vegetarian because it's made with chicken broth?

You obviously adore your Lady Friend. :)

Andrea said...

Mmmm, bacon and cheese.

stealthnerd said...

Boo admitted that eating vegetarian wouldn't be too terrible--I'm not much of a carnivore and since I do most of the cooking, we end up with pasta a lot (and some fish and veggies of course). So you're not alone my friend, you're not alone.