Tuesday, April 30, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th Part 2

Continuing with the series of things I'm supposed to do and things I should have by my 30th, I'm tackling both of today's items at one time:

Thing I should have: A tasty signature dish I can whip up for a date.

Thing I should do: Drive an Amazing Car.

These seems like crazy superficial things made more for a dating profile or romantic comedy than a bucket list.  I highly doubt I'll be on my death bed and worried about either of these - unless I woke up some day as Matthew McConaughey in 'Failure To Launch.' Even then the only reason I'd be on my deathbed is because I'd want to kill myself.

If I had a nice car and could cook a good meal I'd be a PERFECT candidate to play the charming guy that just wasn't quite right for the quirky sitcom girl.

Which is great - but I'm turning 30, not trying to date Zooey Deschanel.

Although that would make a great item to include on a list of 'Things To Do before You Turn 30.'


Wednesday, April 24, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th

Well I turn 30 on June 30th. 

Of course, I drive home from my office job to my house in the suburbs to eat dinner with my wife and give my baby a bath.  So I've actually been 30 for a few years now.

Either way - we love round numbers in this country so I'm going to use this as an excuse to celebrate with a new blog series:

30 for 30 on the 30th.

I'm going to reference two articles -

30 Things a Guy Should Do Before He Turns 30


30 Things Every Man Should Have by 30

So I guess technically it is 60 for 30 on the 30th.  But you know what?  Shut up.

Thing I should do before 30 - 'Dance with a stranger in a strange land.'

Oh I've done this.  I was at a piano bar and got pulled on stage by a cougar to dance to 'Paradise by the Dashboard Light.' 

Now, I'm not new to cougar attacks.  There is normally some playful flirting, a joke or two, and it's over. 

But that damn song is 8 minutes and 29 seconds along.

I have enough dance moves for maybe, MAYBE, 23 seconds of dancing.  And that's if I go through all my moves twice.  This was like a marathon.  I got down.  I shimmied.  I threw my hands in the air so many times, I don't care to count.  And that was all just the first verse.  Not to mention the awkward juxtaposition of dancing with a cougar to a song about a high school girl losing her virginity. 

Thing I should have before 30 - 'A skin care regimen.'

No chance.  I have a strict 'No Showering On the Weekends' rule already.  And at this point my showers are a quick once-over the arm pits and leg pit before I get out. 

Here's the thing.  I have a beard.  It is constantly growing, which means it is constantly getting younger.  You fools are all worried about your skin aging - well screw you, my face is like a week old.  If anything, I need my face to get older.  My beard is immature right now, laughing at fart jokes and thinking girls have cooties.  Instead of using some stupid face cream, I'm going to rub a Playboy all over my face and let it smoke cigarettes.

And I'll warn it about the types of girls that go to piano bars. 

Monday, April 1, 2013

XXX Rated

Porn is pretty weird, right?

It is a billion dollar industry based around watching other people do something fun.

Think about it – what other purely experiential event is so heavily viewed by others?  We don’t watch people get a massage to relax.  I can’t watch a video of a dude eating a steak and feel full.

I mean, I get that there is nudity involved – but if you want to see nudity do a Google image search for LITERALLY ANYTHING. 

What do we, as a society, enjoy about it?  “Oh man, look at those two having such a great time.  Look at how happy they are.”   

It’s like looking at a friend’s wedding photos.  I can see they’re happy without seeing their wedding NIGHT photos.