Wednesday, April 24, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th

Well I turn 30 on June 30th. 

Of course, I drive home from my office job to my house in the suburbs to eat dinner with my wife and give my baby a bath.  So I've actually been 30 for a few years now.

Either way - we love round numbers in this country so I'm going to use this as an excuse to celebrate with a new blog series:

30 for 30 on the 30th.

I'm going to reference two articles -

30 Things a Guy Should Do Before He Turns 30


30 Things Every Man Should Have by 30

So I guess technically it is 60 for 30 on the 30th.  But you know what?  Shut up.

Thing I should do before 30 - 'Dance with a stranger in a strange land.'

Oh I've done this.  I was at a piano bar and got pulled on stage by a cougar to dance to 'Paradise by the Dashboard Light.' 

Now, I'm not new to cougar attacks.  There is normally some playful flirting, a joke or two, and it's over. 

But that damn song is 8 minutes and 29 seconds along.

I have enough dance moves for maybe, MAYBE, 23 seconds of dancing.  And that's if I go through all my moves twice.  This was like a marathon.  I got down.  I shimmied.  I threw my hands in the air so many times, I don't care to count.  And that was all just the first verse.  Not to mention the awkward juxtaposition of dancing with a cougar to a song about a high school girl losing her virginity. 

Thing I should have before 30 - 'A skin care regimen.'

No chance.  I have a strict 'No Showering On the Weekends' rule already.  And at this point my showers are a quick once-over the arm pits and leg pit before I get out. 

Here's the thing.  I have a beard.  It is constantly growing, which means it is constantly getting younger.  You fools are all worried about your skin aging - well screw you, my face is like a week old.  If anything, I need my face to get older.  My beard is immature right now, laughing at fart jokes and thinking girls have cooties.  Instead of using some stupid face cream, I'm going to rub a Playboy all over my face and let it smoke cigarettes.

And I'll warn it about the types of girls that go to piano bars. 


OBM.cle said...

Such a great blog idea! I may steal this (but for women) for mine...if you so permit.

Also, you should wash other places besides your pits. I'm sure your wife would agree : )

lacochran's evil twin said...

See, if you washed more it might throw the cougars off the scent.

ClevelandPoet said...

just tell the cougars your beard is jail bait. And showering on the weekends is for suckers.

I do however use a beard oil that my wife made.

great now I'm rubbing oil on underage beards.


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