Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Clowning Around

The word epic is thrown around a lot on the interwebz. But I want to set something straight -

Your new shirt is not epic.

Your weekend? Not epic.

Even the dramatic chipmunk lacks a certain level of epicicity.

No, the word epic needs to be saved and used accordingly.

Like when this kid on a local kids show tells Happy the Hobo to poop on his mom (2:00 mark).

Fucking epic.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Pandora's Box Set

Work has been crazy stressful lately.

Not because of the actual work - but because of Pandora.

As an elitist prick - I have to ensure I'm only listening to bands that are underground and that most people haven't heard. When listening to Pandora, every like and dislike is a calculated endeavor - I'm at risk of "selling out" with every thumbs up.

If I go from Collin Herring to Band of Horses to Lucero to the Avett Brothers to Wilco - well, then I've done something right.

But when that same station suddenly veers into DIERKS FUCKING BENTLEY - my entire world spins out of control.

What have I done? What is it about me that made Pandora think I would like bubble-gum pop country? Is it my hair? Is it my jeans? Is it the way I walk or the way I talk? What will my friends say? Is this some kind of gateway drug to listening to Rascal Flatts?

Now that I've been Bentley'd over, I live in constant fear of every song I hear on Pandora. What does it mean if I like this song? Is it too poppy? What does this song say about me as a person?

I feel like Pandora just attacked my character; like this was personal. And I have no way to fight back. Sure, I could just keep disliking everything Pandora plays for me. I could give them the middle finger in the shape of a thumbs down. But we all know they've been holding the secret weapon. All they have to do is press one button and my entire life is over. You see, one thumbs down too many and BAM.


And that's why I gave that Dierks Bentley song a thumbs up.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Deep Pockets


No, I'm not going topless on here. That is just weird. Why would you even WANT to see that? I look like an albino sasquatch. With a big nose.


*air guitar*

*leg kick*

*drum solo*

*drum solo*

*drum solo*

Craig! At Craig Goes To Cleveland. takes the cake (or pocket) with this little number:

We will now use these Lean Pockets and this footballfield platter to re-enact the "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". My mouth is the endzone!

This is, of course, a reference to the movie Little Giants - which is full of all kinds of awesome. Especially the line: "Fumblrooski! Fumblrooski!" which my old roommate and I used to say if we were hitting on a girl and either got shot down or said something stupid to ruin our chances. Needless to say, there were a lot of fumblrooskis in my single days.

Anyways - Craig just earned himself a year's supply of Lean Pockets for that dose of nostalgia.

Thanks to everyone who entered - especially Nicki who was the only person who resorted to flattery. Do you people know me at all? Compliments are my currency, people. All you had to do was say something nice about my beard - like it really brought out my abs - and the Lean Pockets were yours! You were so close - all you had to do was seal the deal and you screwed it up! Know what we call that?

A fumblrooski.

Congrats to Craig and thanks to all who participated.

(Full disclosure: Lean Pockets sponsored the Goodness Party and give-away and most of my college years.)

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Live, Laugh, Fart

My nephews are at that amazing age where they have discovered poop jokes. Unfortunately, in my family, that is where the maturation process ends. Here is a typical Narmonian life cycle:

Birth ---> Walking ---> Talking ---> Potty Training ---> Poop Jokes ---> Death

So the other night I was home for Christmas and my 3 year old nephew looks up at me, sticks his tongue out and farts.

Which sent me into a fit of laughter that had me rolling on the ground. In fact, I laughed SO hard -

That I farted.

I guess it "runs" in the family.

(Have you entered my contest to win a year's supply of Lean Pockets? Why not? All I'm asking you to do is make fun of me on the internet. I'm starting to feel like this relationship is one sided, Reader. I give and I give and all I get in return is some web traffic and lonely nights spent pecking away at this keyboard. We used to LIVE, ya know? Where's the passion? Why don't you just click that link above and leave a caption and we can try to rekindle this flame.)

Monday, December 13, 2010

Fame and Fortune

My fortune cookie from Friday night -

"You have a friendly heart and are well admired."

When did fortune cookies turn into "fact cookies"?

(If you haven't left a caption in my Year's Supply of Lean Pockets giveaway you may be ugly. I'm not saying it is a sure thing, but I would go here and write something funny just in case. Imagine how smart you'll feel with a fridge full of Lean Pockets when the upcoming zombie apocolypse comes? Everyone else will be ordering pizza and getting eaten by zombie pizza delivery guys but you'll be sitting at home eating delicious Lean Pockets and finally catching up on that season of West Wing you missed.)

Friday, December 10, 2010

Caption Contest Giveaway

Instead of just dropping knowledge on you today - I have a special surprise.


The good people at Lean Pockets have provided a year's supply of Lean Pockets for me to give-away to the person who person of my choosing.

So I've decided to choose the winner in my most favoritist way eva -


This is how it works - I post a picture below and you leave a comment either on the blog or on Twitter (@jnomina) and I'll choose the one with the most awesome.

I'm going to leave this up for a week so tell your friends (http://bit.ly/fB5hUd) - because if they win you could probably play this off as their Xmas present.

* Full disclosure: Lean Pockets provided the Snuggies, Lean Pocket products as well as some funds for the decorations and party favors at the Goodness Party. They did not supply the hand turkey (patent pending). Any opinions shared on The 'Neck are my own and should be taken as law because I am awesome.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Goodness Party

If there is any ONE thing that I want people to take away from my blog, it is that I am impressively lazy. One time I fell asleep on a bar stool in my kitchen because I was too lazy to move to the couch (or bed for that matter). I woke up three hours later in the fetal position on my kitchen counter. With the lights on.

So in my haste to be lazy, you can imagine that I love anytime I can make a good meal on the quicks.

Enter Lean Pockets.

They reached out and asked if I would be interested in getting together a group of friends and serving a spread of some of their new Culinary Creations sandwiches. At first I thought they were just flirting with me - like a guy buying a girl drink at a bar but instead of a pretty girl I was a nerd in his late 20's - but then they threw in a box of Snuggies and stole my heart forever. (call me)

I decided to theme my Goodness Party around the Miami Dolphins vs Cleveland Browns game. Because I am a Dolphins fan and thought it would be an easy win. I mean, it's Cleveland, right? I assumed I'd play the gracious host, have everyone over and then, as the Dolphins won, stand in the living room burning a picture of Bernie Kosar while reciting Dan Marino's name to the tune of "My Sharona".

I should have realized from the start the numbers weren't in my favor:

(Please note the above picture is my Lady Friend's debut on The 'Neck. Ain't she purty? Hey! You! Her eyes are up here! Pervert.)

We even decorated for both the Browns and Phins (because browl and teal really compliment each other).

The party started great - Browns fans and Phins fans, living together in perfect harmony -

My personal favorite was the grilled chicken mushroom and spinach. Because I am high class. And high class people eat spinach. The most popular among the guests was the grilled chicken bacon dijon. Which has bacon in it. So duh. We also included some traditional pizza flavored Lean Pockets.

We cooked the majority in the oven and they turned out delicious. We did a few in the microwave and while not as crispy - they were still very good. We also found that if you draw a hand turkey (pictured, above left) it helps them cook evenly.

In the end, my beloved Dolphins lost and, in a fit of rage, I demonstrated my manly manlinesshood and picked up TEN SNUGGIES AT ONE TIME.

Even I didn't know I was that strong - it must have been all that spinach.

(Thanks to the people at Lean Pockets (click there for Facebook page and coupons) for helping me put this together. I hadn't tried any of their new products and was very pleasantly surprised at how delicious they were. They have officially replaced PB&J as my go-to lunch at work. And also when I sneak downstairs for 2am snacks without telling the Lady Friend. Our little secret, Reader.)

Stay tuned later this week for a contest to win FREE LEAN POCKETS FOR A YEAR (when reading that please use a dramatic voice and an echo affect.) I'll post the details later this week.

* Full disclosure: Lean Pockets provided the Snuggies, Lean Pocket products as well as some funds for the decorations and party favors at the Goodness Party. They did not supply the hand turkey (patent pending). Any opinions shared on The 'Neck are my own and should be taken as law because I am awesome.

Zombies Hate Your "Monday" Facebook Status

I read Chuck Klosterman's incredible take on the zombie phenomenon as well as their staying power.

He argues that killing zombies isn't all that much different than other mondane tasks. The fear and danger of a zombie attack isn't that they are individually frightening - but the sheer number of them is insurmountable. Fighting through a zombie attack is like filling out time sheets or working on an assembly line. Zombies are like Mondays - to put it in terms that people with unoriginal Facebook statuses can understand.

But I think their appeal goes further than that:

Anyone can kill a zombie.

They are slow and stupid and uncoordinated. Like that first kid that hits puberty in junior high. It isn't like X-Men or Superman or any other movie about fighting evil. You don't have to pretend to be someone else. Zombie movies allow you to pretend to be yourself - but the cocky, arrogant version you see in your head.

Everyone talks a tough game when they read a news story. "Dude - if I was in that bank when it was getting robbed I totally would have beaten the crap out of those 17 guys with machine guns and saved everyone." You know you do it. I do it - in my head I could have stopped JFK's assasination, the Civil War and the extinction of dinosaurs. With nothing but a beard and a smile.

The zombie apocolypse is just like any of those situations. Strong people think about how they'd be able to kill zombies, smart people imagine the plan they would put together, and slutty girls at bars who's only skill is flirting with guys for free drinks would finally get wiped out.

It is like the opposite of Lord of the Rings - instead of making the hero a loser that we can identify with - the hero is you - which, in most cases, is also a loser.

So Klosterman is right - fighting the zombie apocolypse is much like our fight with everyday life. But it allows us to imagine going through that fight as the person we are (or want to be) in our head - not the one that agrees to work weekends or refuses to send back a bad meal or helps that guy you don't like move his couch because you can't say no.

Because in the zombie apocolypse - you get to bash that guy's head in.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Super Sexy Hero

As often happens in my household, the wife and I got into an argument about Super Heroes the other day.

No, this time it wasn't about whether or not Batman is a Super Hero (he's not). But, rather, about who was the cooler Super Hero - Spiderman or Wolverine.

Which got me to thinking - a lot of Super Heroes (why do I keep capitalizing this?) have Super Powers that are ONLY cool if there are Super Villains. Think about it - what good does it do you to have adamantium bones, razor sharp claws and self-healing powers like Wolverine - if there is no one to fight? Other than cool bar tricks, your powers would be useless.

You can argue that you would fight crime, but real crimes aren't committed by evil geniuses - they are committed by guys who try to light their underwear on fire or strap explosives to their crotch (I never realized how much terrorism centered around genitalia before, FYI).

Razor sharp claws aren't going to do much for you against car bombs. Sure, you could kick some major ass of the guy who created the bomb - but so could my grandma. Anyone who can make a bomb is probably about as cool as people who dress up for Harry Potter movies.

And while Spiderman's ability to climb buildings and shoot webs is awesome - I have to imagine there aren't that many times in real life those would be applicable. I mean - we don't even let gay people get married or serve in the military in this country and you expect to get treated normal if you are doing super crazy ninja Spidey moves all over downtown? Good luck. Don't ask don't tell, Peter Parker.

But, of course, just like every other argument about Super Heroes, the wife got the last word:

"I don't care, I still think Wolverine is hot."

My spidey sense is tingling.