Wednesday, December 11, 2013

I Nose What You Did Last Summer

Runny noses are kind of bullshit.

The entire point of snot is to prevent the bad stuff from going up my nose – so why does my body turn into a snot factory when I’m already sick?  Is it guilt?  “NAH, MAN – I’VE BEEN MAKING PLENTY OF SNOT.  LOOK AT ALL THIS STUFF.  I GOT SNOT COMING OUT OF MY…WELL, I’VE GOT A LOT OF IT.  YOU MUST HAVE GOTTEN SICK SOME OTHER WAY.  BLAME MOUTH.  YOU SEE THE STUFF HE PUTS IN HIMSELF?”

For how complicated the human body is constructed, there sure are a lot of design flaws.  Why does your body get weaker or swell or get a fever to tell you something is wrong?  “Hey dude – some shit is screwed up in here so I’ve made you exponentially weaker to help you fix it.”  Your body might as well start hitting you with your own hands and then scream, “STOP HITTING YOURSELF!  STOP HITTING YOURSELF!” 

Sometimes I feel like my body and my brain are fighting.  My brain is pissed my body is sick and trying to figure out who to blame.  My nose invites some slutty virus up there and catches the head cold version of the clap and is trying to cover his tracks by throwing snot around like a parade. 

In the end I know my nose is doing something stupid whenever I get sick and it starts running, I just can’t catch it. 

Friday, June 28, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th THE END

We're here.  We're to the end of my list of 30 things I should have and do before I turn 30 this Sunday, the 30th.

It's my 30th birthday eve's eve.  Except, unlike Christmas eve, the only bearded person sneaking through my house will be me when I have to pee at 3am. 

A lot of people get depressed as they get older.  Like they're closer to death. 

I'm pumped!  I've avoided death for 30 years now.  That's a pretty incredible living streak.  It's also pretty low standards on things to be excited about. 

But that's fine.  I'd rather appreciate the memories and people and days I'm adding on to my life every morning than worry about the days on the end of my life I'm losing.  I'm counting up, not counting down. 

So let's wrap this thing up (that's also a tip on a way to live longer for all you young'uns out there.)

Things I should have:

The beginning of a nest egg.

A place where everyone knows his name.

At least one sex move he's received lots of positive feedback on.

Does it count as a nest egg when the projected cost of college when my daughter turns 18 is approximately: all of the monies?  It's hard to save money when there is literally no amount of my salary I could put aside that would even dent her future college tuition.  I might as well spend it as a bar - at least everyone there knows my name.

As for the sex move that I've received positive feedback on?  NOT USING THE PHRASE "SEX MOVE."

Things I should do:

Learn a magic trick.

Look after someone else's kids for the day. 

Quit something you love.

When I was like 12 I got super into learning magic tricks.  And I was awful at them.  Somehow my parents would sit through them and pretend they couldn't tell that I flipped the card behind my back or whatever.  My parents were awesome.  But this probably explains why no one wanted to watch me for the day. 

As for quitting something I love - this would be a great time to quit the blog.  I mean, this worked out pretty well with the ending of this list quitting something you love and all that.

But I don't feel like doing that.  Partially because I just renewed the domain name, partially because I find the domain name REALLY clever... still... 5 years later.

But mostly because I still enjoy cranking out a post once a month and then obsessively checking the analytics to see if anyone read it.

So thank you for reading.

It's a better birthday present than you know.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th - Parts 25 -27

We're getting so close to my 30th I can almost feel it!  Wait.  Nope.  Just a fart.

Continuing my countdown of 30 things I should have and do before I turn 30 on the 30th - so much having and doing!!!

Things I should have:

Enough confidence to approach someone he finds attractive.

Enough sense not to use a cheesy pick-up line.

A great razor.

This is just dumb.  Of course a handsome man like me has no problem approaching someone I find attractive.  And why would I have to use a cheesy pick-up line when I look like this?

But the reason I can do those two things is because my beard is what you see when you are dying.  They say you see a tunnel, but that's actually just my beard and the light at the end is the space between my mustache and my chin.  Don't believe me?  Think about it - if you reach the end of the tunnel it would be like giving me a kiss.  That's the definition of heaven right there. 

Things I should do:

Drink tequila in Mexico.

Sell something you've made to someone you don't know.

Walk a mighty distance.

I drank rum in Jamaica.  Does that count?  And I sold you on reading this blog.  Which means I've made it!

As for walking a might distance - I used to have to hoe 80 acre fields 5 rows at a time.  It's literally just walking through dirt and weeds for 12 hours in the heat.  It's one of those jobs that I can't accurately explain to city kids who complain about working at the Gap when they were teenagers.  I mean - all they had to do was sell something to people they didn't know.  That sounds easy. 

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th Parts 20-24

I'm counting down the 30 things I need to have and do before I turn 30 this Sunday, the 30th.

I gave myself 66 days to complete a list of 30 things - and with 5 days to go I have 11 items left on the list.  This isn't a good start to the rest of my life. 

Things I should have: 

Always enough toilet paper.

Sheets that don't scratch.

A nightstand that doesn't say "Handle with care" on the side.

A smile he uses generously.

At least one lamp that didn't once belong in a dorm room. 

Almost this entire portion of the list is about shedding off the cheap items of my youth for more permanent, adult options. 

I always have enough toilet paper - and I buy the good stuff so that those sheets don't scratch.  I have nightstands and lamps that aren't from Ikea - and I use my smile generously because the nightstands and lamps cost so much I can't be generous with my money.

This part of the list was about me growing up, putting down some roots and looking towards the future.  Well if that's all it took to turn 30, I've been 30 for a few years now.  I became a lame old guy in my mid-20s.  I'm a trendsetter. 

Things I should do:

Stayed up all night to watch the sunrise.

Started your own business.

Said, "I love you" and mean it. 

Taken a punt on a long shot.

Sung in public.

If the 'have' list was about growing up, the 'dos' are about going all in.  Take a chance - take a risk.  Go for it.  Shoot for the moon - if you miss you'll still land among the stars. 

It's starting to sound like a sorority girl's AIM away message from 2004.

I've stayed up all night to watch the sunrise.  I've said "I love you" and meant it.  I've taken the long shot (and lost.)  I've sang in public.  I've done all that.

And that's why my hair is falling out and I can't drink two beers without a hangover now.

Age has certainly been giving me the business lately - but I guess I started it.

Monday, June 24, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th Parts 18 & 19

Last week of my 20s, you guys.  Sweatin' over here.

Time for the home stretch of my list of 30 things I should have and do before I turn 30 on June 30th.

Things I should have: Jumper cables / A driver's license

Again, Mr. List, this is an odd order to do things.  But I'll play along...

I failed my driver's test on my first attempt.  I had been driving farm machinery for years and was a good driver.  But I took a Ford Explorer with tinted windows to do the parallel parking section and got more cockeyed than...well there's no where to take that joke that remains PG-13 so I'm just gonna let it sit there.

Things I should do: Be a rock god / Eat something truly weird

I was in a rock band in high school.  Our name was Shatt.  I played the drums (poorly) and we also had a guitarist, bassist and singer - who all did their jobs poorly as well.  I was the worst musician, but much better than everyone else at having a basement for practice sessions, so I got to be in the band.  We were awful.  But when you are from a town of 6,000 people, the number of rock bands is fairly minimal, meaning just by virtue of being IN a band, I was in one of the three best bands in town.  Rock God!

As for eating something weird - I order chicken livers all the time.  They're delicious.  And it drives my vegetarian wife crazy.  But at least she doesn't have to parallel park.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th Parts 12-17

I'm running out of ways to tell you I'm doing a countdown of the 30 things I should have / do before I turn 30 on June 30th.  So I'm just going to tell you that I'm doing a countdown of the 30 things I should have / do before I turn 30 on June 30th.

Consistent with most of my life - I've procrastinated and now need to crank out 19 of these things in the next week and a half.  So let's do rapid fire!

Things I should have:

A favorite cookbook.  My wife is 100% Italian - I'm eating homeade sauce and meatballs every night.  My favorite cookbook is getting used as a placemat. #Humblebrag #BlogHashtagsDontMakeSense

A decent set of pots and pans.  And just clap your hands and just clap your hands.  Where it's at. 

An emergency kit in the trunk of his car.  I drive a truck, like a damn man.  I ain't got no trunk.  Put that on your list and smoke it.

A hobby that does not include a television set or a 6-pack of beer.  All that leaves are crappy hobbies.  Why do I need a boring hobby to turn 30 when I have a bunch of awesome ones that involve TVs and beers?

A trusted barber or hair stylist.  I don't have enough hair left to screw it up.  Maybe you should think about your target demographic when making this list, jerks. 

A pair of jeans that makes his butt look good.  My butt always looks good.  I don't need jeans to make it look good - jeans need my butt to make them look good.
Things I should do: 

Lived in another country.  I grew up in a town of 6,000 people that was an hour and a half from the nearest big city.  And that city was Toledo.  TOLEDO, PEOPLE.  I'd argue the difference in my hometown to my current one are about as large as that to any foreign country. 

Throw a memorable party.  When I was 16 I had a bunch of buddies out to my property and got busted for underage consumption.  My criminal record sure remembers.

Empty your pockets for a worthy cause.  I don't think any worthy cause wants a dirty handkerchief, two nickels, and a gum wrapper.

Camp out under the stars for a week.  Done it.  Though this part sounds much better than the "wake up with no where to poop" part. 

Bid at an auction.  I didn't BID on an auction but we auctioned off some farm land once.  It's a lot scarier being on the other side of the bidding process.  The "please someone raise their hand, oh god why is no one raising their hand, oh sweet lord what just happened" side.

Overcome a fear. My only real fears are spiders and confrontation.  And getting old.  Maybe I can extend this list to 40 things...50?  PLEASE?

Monday, June 17, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th Parts 10 & 11

Here we go again - I'm counting down 30 things I should have/do before I turn 30 on June 30th.  We're getting dangerously close to the 30th and I still have 20 more of these to write - so let's double our pleasure.

Things I should have: The ability to ask for directions / A great road map when there's no one to ask

Was this list written in 1862?  Do they think I have to find Pocahontas every time I need to find the grocery store?  I have an iPhone.  I ask Siri for directions and carry Google Maps around in my pocket.  It's a great map because after I find directions I can listen to the Spin Doctors.

Things I should do: Make love in open water / Build a fence

Wait, what?

Who wrote this list that they had those two consecutive thoughts?  "Alright. Top things to do before turning 30.  Well, doing it in water HAS to be in the top ten, for obvious reasons.  And...ya know it's not quite top ten, but you gotta build a fence.  That's real important.  Fence building.  Can't turn 30 without that."

And the weirdest part is that you have to do these in this order.  If you build a fence in the water and then 'make love' in the water, you're no longer in the 'open water.'  And after making love, it'd be pretty awkward to be like, "Alright, wanna help me throw this fence up real quick?"

The best is the description: "Under a waterfall or on a sun drenched beach, it’s every woman’s dream and every guys duty."

Having sand in my ass crack is never and will never be a 'dream.'  Especially when you then talk about my doodie. 

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th Parts 8 & 9

I'm turning 30 on the 30th, and to celebrate I'm going down a list of 30 things I should have or do before the big day.  Though this being parts 8 & 9, I'm guessing you are well aware of these points.  You'll have to excuse me, old age does funny things to a memory.

Things I should have: Enough clean underwear to last a week / Independence from his mama

As much as I promote the idea of dissolving the traditional gender roles in households, my wife and I fit them to a tee.  She makes dinner, I mow the lawn.  She sweeps the floors, I fix the light switch.  She does the laundry goes to the grocery makes the baby's food calls the doctor pays the bills balances the check book buys my clothes and manages our schedule, I take out the trash.  Sometimes.  And complain about it the entire time when I do.

So I have clean underwear for a week, and independence from my mama.  But only because I rely on a different mama now.  

Things I should do: High dive into water / Catch, kill and cook your own dinner

More "MAN!" stuff on the list.  I grew up in the country - of course I've caught, killed and cooked my own dinner.  Of course, I didn't jump off a high dive to catch it.  So subtract a few points there.

As for the high dive thing.  I'm not much of a thrill seeker.  I'm sure jumping out of planes is super fun and everything, but so is a record player and a glass of whiskey.  I'm just in the "being terrified is fun" group.

Besides, jumping out of a plane would probably kill that whole, "clean underwear for a week" thing.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th Part 7

We're getting dangerously close to my 30th birthday and having to come up with a term for the male version of a cougar. Gone will be my boyish good looks, replaced with the salt and pepper wisdom that comes with age.  I wouldn't say I'm getting better looking - I'd saying I'm continuing to be incredible looking in a new way.

So here are the things society (or two random articles my wife found) tells me I need to have and do before I turn 30.

Thing I should have: A toolbox that includes: a hammer, screwdriver, wrench, nails, work gloves.

I enjoy that the person who wrote this article very likely does not have a toolbox.  Why is hammer listed 3 items before nails?  Who really uses nails very often, anyways?  "OH NOES THE SINK BROKE, WHERE ARE MY NAILS?"

And I need A screwdriver?  Just one?  You don't have to be Bob Vila to know that you need a flat head and a Phillips head screwdriver in your toolbox.


Thing I should do: Take a road trip.  Destination anywhere.  Nothing booked along the way but finding lodging where lady luck dictates.

This is everyone's favorite 'rite of passage' for men.  It's like Jack Kerouac poisoned the water supply and even people who haven't read On The Road believe in it unconditionally.

I've never taken a road trip to nowhere.  Because it's unrealistic.  Instead of taking the summer off to road trip across the country to some mystical drug-fueled orgy, I took summer classes and worked.  Then I got a job.  And now I'm married with a kid.

So according to this list - my office job, house in the suburbs, wife, and kid are preventing me from ever maturing.

I'll take it.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th Part 5 & 6

Continuing our (my?) list of 30 things I need to do / have before I turn 30 on June 30th today and combining the next two as both are related.  I'm efficient, people!

Thing I should have: At least one friend who gives honest fashion advice. / A tailored suit.

I have a wife that does this.  Now where on the list does it say, "at least one friend who can make you feel better after your wife trashes your fashion sense."

I also have a tailored suit from our wedding - a suit I purchased 2 months before the wedding that I somehow got too fat to wear a week before the Big Day.  I spent the last week before our wedding having the suit let out and walking on a treadmill.  A TREADMILL!  Marriage is tough, you guys. 

Thing I should do: Score the winner. / Invent a cocktail.

Man stuff!

I think we can officially agree these lists are less an honest critique of milestones a man should reach before he turns 30, and more a menu of things women look for in their metro-sexually dressed, yet rugged-acting, yet romantic/sweet dream guy.  That being the case - this entire exercise feels like a waste since I already fit all of the criteria, but I'll indulge.

So have I scored the winner or invented a cocktail? 


I played a lot of sports as a kid - I'm sure at some point I was responsible for a win.  Does it count if I was also responsible for all of the losses?  Do they cancel each other out?  Or does a 'winner' count if it's a really great comeback to some troll on an online sports message board?  No?  What if there was a great .gif, too?

As for a cocktail - it's pretty hard to invent a cocktail that is just straight whiskey.  Maybe I'll throw a splash of water in it and call it the "Shut Up and Leave Me To My Whiskey."  It should be ordered neat.

It'll be a real winner.  

Friday, May 3, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th Part 4

Counting down until my 30th birthday on June 30th with a 30 part series of random things some writer somewhere decided were important tests of my manhood.

Today's items:

Thing I should have: At least four good pairs of shoes: dressy, business casual, casual, exercise.

Dressy, Biz casual, Casual, Exercise

The sad thing about my shoes is that they accurately describe my entire wardrobe: dress clothes, clothes that aren't dressy but I pretend that they are, a bunch of gray casual shirts, and a bunch of older gray casual shirts I use for anything that takes physical activity (for the record the last 2 pairs of Chucks are actually from two different pairs).

Thing I should do: Ride a horse.

In 5th grade my class went on a trip to Camp High Hope.  At camp we did all the usual campy things, highlighted by the fact that this was the first time all the boys had to shower in a public shower together.  It being 5th grade, this was really one of our first pubic showers, as well.  Gross.

One of the activities at camp was to brush and ride a horse.  The camp guide led me to the steed, handed me a brush and told me to start using it.  No problem.  I've brushed things.  It's not that hard.


That fucker kicked me.  Right in the thigh next to the parts I had exposed to my friends in the shower for the first time earlier that day.  A horse kicking you hurts exactly as much as you would think.  Like hell.  

But it was camp and it was about learning lessons.  They stood me up, made sure my reproductive parts were still attached and marched me back up to that horse.  Brush in hand, I reached out to begin brushing again...


This time it was an attempted head shot that I narrowly ducked and took in the shoulder.  I literally had a hoof-print bruise on my shoulder for two weeks.  It looked like I got the Colts' log tattooed on my back.  It was awful.  I was a 5th grader getting my ass beat by a goddamn horse in front of my entire class.  You think bullies and wedgies are bad?  Imagine if a horse was the one shoving you in a locker.  With his legs.  By kicking you.  Maybe this visual didn't work like I expected.

Anyways, the camp counselors again made me approach the horse and eventually ride him.  So I have ridden a stupid horse. I hope you're happy now, stupid list of things I need to do to impress you. 

Thursday, May 2, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th Part 3

If Part 2 was a cheesy romantic-comedy version of what 'manhood' means, then today's is the passive aggressive Facebook status of a girl recently dumped.

Thing I should have: Respect for women as equals and not just as heads attached to boobs.

Thing I should do: Give up my seat.

These two actually sum up the duality of being a white collar redneck fairly well - balancing a very vocal support for women's rights while also being raised to treat a woman like a lady, when that definition is often at conflict with the word 'equal.' 

I know women don't think it's that difficult, but balancing respect and chivalry is a delicate task - especially when women themselves don't always agree on the two.  Women can't agree on which pack out of Ryan Gosling's six they love the most - how can they believe they all have the same definition of chivalry and respect? 

I can't tell you how many times I've gotten a dirty look for opening a door for a woman - or how many times I've gotten a dirty look for not opening a door for a woman. 

Something one woman finds charming can be taken as offensive to another.  Is giving up a seat to a woman considered a courteous act?  Because lord knows I've gotten, 'I can handle standing, thank you very much,' as a response.

So do I have respect for women as equals?  Or course, and I 'give up' the driver's seat to my wife as often as I take the wheel myself - even if I try to still open the door for her. 

But her head still looks great attached to those boobs. 

Maybe I'll just give myself a half-point for this one. 

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th Part 2

Continuing with the series of things I'm supposed to do and things I should have by my 30th, I'm tackling both of today's items at one time:

Thing I should have: A tasty signature dish I can whip up for a date.

Thing I should do: Drive an Amazing Car.

These seems like crazy superficial things made more for a dating profile or romantic comedy than a bucket list.  I highly doubt I'll be on my death bed and worried about either of these - unless I woke up some day as Matthew McConaughey in 'Failure To Launch.' Even then the only reason I'd be on my deathbed is because I'd want to kill myself.

If I had a nice car and could cook a good meal I'd be a PERFECT candidate to play the charming guy that just wasn't quite right for the quirky sitcom girl.

Which is great - but I'm turning 30, not trying to date Zooey Deschanel.

Although that would make a great item to include on a list of 'Things To Do before You Turn 30.'


Wednesday, April 24, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th

Well I turn 30 on June 30th. 

Of course, I drive home from my office job to my house in the suburbs to eat dinner with my wife and give my baby a bath.  So I've actually been 30 for a few years now.

Either way - we love round numbers in this country so I'm going to use this as an excuse to celebrate with a new blog series:

30 for 30 on the 30th.

I'm going to reference two articles -

30 Things a Guy Should Do Before He Turns 30


30 Things Every Man Should Have by 30

So I guess technically it is 60 for 30 on the 30th.  But you know what?  Shut up.

Thing I should do before 30 - 'Dance with a stranger in a strange land.'

Oh I've done this.  I was at a piano bar and got pulled on stage by a cougar to dance to 'Paradise by the Dashboard Light.' 

Now, I'm not new to cougar attacks.  There is normally some playful flirting, a joke or two, and it's over. 

But that damn song is 8 minutes and 29 seconds along.

I have enough dance moves for maybe, MAYBE, 23 seconds of dancing.  And that's if I go through all my moves twice.  This was like a marathon.  I got down.  I shimmied.  I threw my hands in the air so many times, I don't care to count.  And that was all just the first verse.  Not to mention the awkward juxtaposition of dancing with a cougar to a song about a high school girl losing her virginity. 

Thing I should have before 30 - 'A skin care regimen.'

No chance.  I have a strict 'No Showering On the Weekends' rule already.  And at this point my showers are a quick once-over the arm pits and leg pit before I get out. 

Here's the thing.  I have a beard.  It is constantly growing, which means it is constantly getting younger.  You fools are all worried about your skin aging - well screw you, my face is like a week old.  If anything, I need my face to get older.  My beard is immature right now, laughing at fart jokes and thinking girls have cooties.  Instead of using some stupid face cream, I'm going to rub a Playboy all over my face and let it smoke cigarettes.

And I'll warn it about the types of girls that go to piano bars. 

Monday, April 1, 2013

XXX Rated

Porn is pretty weird, right?

It is a billion dollar industry based around watching other people do something fun.

Think about it – what other purely experiential event is so heavily viewed by others?  We don’t watch people get a massage to relax.  I can’t watch a video of a dude eating a steak and feel full.

I mean, I get that there is nudity involved – but if you want to see nudity do a Google image search for LITERALLY ANYTHING. 

What do we, as a society, enjoy about it?  “Oh man, look at those two having such a great time.  Look at how happy they are.”   

It’s like looking at a friend’s wedding photos.  I can see they’re happy without seeing their wedding NIGHT photos.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Pet Names

That's my cat.

Or, that's the area I assume my cat inhibits.

You see, my cat is so uniformly black, he is nearly impossible to capture in a photograph.  He pretty much looks like a shadow with eyes.  If he didn't try to trip me all the time, I might assume he didn't exist at all.  Like my cat was actually a rip in the universe; a blackhole portal to another dimension.

But think about how great that would be?

He would be a walking, purring, self-bathing rip in our entire reality as currently understood.  Imagine having a cat that, instead of throwing up matted-up hairballs, threw up debris from far away galaxies. 

Any morning when running down the stairs, he could twist between my legs and cause me to step on him - but since 'him' is actually a vortex that sucks objects from Earth and projects them into a world that has no resemblance of our rules of dimensions and physics, I'd instantly be distorted into some un-human form.  Possibly that of a cat.

So there's a chance that my cat sucks in Earth-bound objects and spits them back out as cats.  My cat could be the genesis for all cats.  He is sort of the Abraham of cats - where to understand the number of cats that are direct descendants, you'd have to count all of the grains of sand on the beach and stars in the sky.

But those damn yellow eyes also make him look like something much more evil than a simple tear in the universe.  If he were nothing more than a portal or a vehicle, he wouldn't be able to emit emotion.  Looking at his sulking, all-black figure and being caught in the glare of those yellow eyes, it's impossible not to feel something haunting and...human?

Human in that something so dark, so dark to be almost unable to be viewed beyond simply his blackness, feels like some sort of a choice.  And choice, as a burden and a gift, belongs solely to humans.

So there's also a chance that my cat is the physical representation of human evil.  He exists solely through the hatred emitted by us as a species.  He is a Dementor or a Ringwraith, or something that non-nerds understand. 

Which is fairly believable.  We'll go long stretches without seeing any evidence of the cat being in the house - even after an exhaustive search.  Perhaps he uses the forces of evil to escape the house and do the Devil's bidding.  Maybe he is using us as nothing more than a host - like some sort of parasite, his only attachment to us is as a cover for his true passion: evil.  He may have chosen us, that as middle-class, white-collar, suburban parents, my wife and I provide no strong pull towards good or bad.  Our existence is so insignificant it poses no need to be destroyed through evil.  He can live under our roof with no questions of his true motives, and no need to destroy the host.

But with either scenario - is there really any need for question or concern?  If he is a portal to another galaxy, it really impacts my life very little.  The threat of being disfigured and distorted into cat form would be more threatening if I wasn't already exposed to the life of a cat; which is to say, a life of leisure.

If he is a physical incarnation of natural human evil?  My only concern is guilt.  Should I pose any threat, I wouldn't be here to write this blog.  Housing a pure and functioning act of evil under my roof is obviously not an honorable act, but neither is dying; at least not in the case of trying to defeat an evil greater than my mere suburban hands could injure.  So while looking the other way as I protect something evil is despicable, martyrdom for the sake of martyrdom is hardly a sign of courage.  Besides, I have a family to think about.

Which brings me back to the original point.

That's my cat.

The extra-curriculars that surround my cat really don't matter to me.  I cannot control them and they don't impact my life.  My cat might not be a cat - or even be real.  But I fed him cat food this morning.  I'll scoop his litter tonight.  He's a part of my house whether he's a cat or something completely different than a cat. 

So, to me...

That's my cat.