Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Fly Away

My fly is down.

Right now. I'm looking at it. Not "it" - but my zipper. And it is down.

How embarrassing.

And the worst part? This has been happening a lot lately. Like twice a week for the past two months.

Is this some kind of subliminal message from my brain? Does my subconscious want me to be naked?

Or maybe I am leading a secret double life as a giant pervert. I guess it wouldn't be THAT secret, but having my fly down is a pretty big step in the sexual predator ladder. Going from occasional offensive jokes to having your hootenanny hanging out is a pretty large leap. That'd be like working at the Gap and then trying to convince me you were ghetto (sorry, Kanye).

But this is somewhat concerning. How many times has my fly been down and I didn't realize it? When talking to an old lady in the street? My boss? That guy at Chipotle? That makes TWO of us getting extra meat.

But what I do appreciate is that no one has mentioned it to me. It is awkward enough to discover your fly has been down on your own - but to have someone else mention it to you is the worst. I would rather meet the Queen of England with my fly down than have someone tell me about it. There is no comeback from that. No witty lines. No way to come out ahead when someone notifies you that you are too stupid to dress yourself.

So if you see me walking around with my fly down I have one request -

Zip it.


Moooooog35 said...

Sorry, dude.

Mr. Winky is ON. HIS. OWN.

I'm not going near it without payment up front first.

You know..our usual deal.

Jennee said...

I hate when that happens! And I hate it even more when someone does have to tell me that my zipper is down.

I imagine it is more embarrassing for guys.

WannabeVirginia W. said...

Oh that's the first. Usually, I hear people say they prefer is someone told them their fly is down, barn door open, flying low today....

love the word hootenany something to that effect!

Anonymous said...

The only other thing comparably embarrassing to the fly being down, is accidentally splashing water on your crotch region at the bathroom sink. Then you look like you pissed your self for the next 20 minutes as it dries :(

Hails said...

I don't think my boyfriend knows how to zip up.
Honestly, not once have I mimed the action and whispered "CLOSE UP SHOP, CLOSE UP SHOP!"

lacochran said...

You could always blame the lady friend. You know, "I try to leave the house but she just keeps undressing me..."

Of course, you don't want to use that excuse with her folks.

Anonymous said...

All you need is a 6 pack of strawberry wine coolers and a 12 pack ribbed for her pleasure condoms and you'd be on the next episode of To Catch a Predator.

LiLu said...

It's like that hostage in Sons of Anarchy that kept masturbating without knowing.

YES IT IS. It's Just. Like that.

Anonymous said...

Least you can see it. I'd need a mirror.
In my case it would just be a minor offense. I'd easily get the pity of the judge. Get off with a small fine.

miss. chief said...


eXamine Your Zipper!

Ed Adams said...

Maybe you should buy buttonflies.

Do they even still make those?

Shit, I don't know. I just leave my shirt un-tucked for this very reason.

Andhari said...

I think you should invest in black underwear, Narm. At least it won't be that "visible" if the zipper is down again and nobody tells you :p

Jez said...

I used to wear button-fly jeans, then switched over to the zipper-type (this may or may not have to do with an enlarged FUPA). I remember forgetting to zip up for about 1 month. I mean, your normal motion is to button. Once the top button is finished, your brain says, "Okay, done, move on."

Kate said...

I always tell men when their zipper is down. And then I say, "I was totally trying to get a sneak peek, and notice the show was open air! Whee!"