Sunday, July 27, 2008

The Dark Knight

Before I get into the important stuff I need to nerd out and say that I saw the Foo Fighters this past weekend and Pat Smear came out and played guitar while Dave Grohl sang "Marigold" - which, if you aren't a huge nerd, is an old Nirvana B-side from the "Heart Shaped Box" single. Since I was 11 when Kurt died this is the closest I could get to real Nirvanaing and I more or less jumped up and down like a little girl and ran home to put on a bunch of flannel and complain about my parents. Awesome.

That was Friday. Saturday I went...for the second time...to see The Dark Knight. For those of you keeping score, that is 5 hours of my life dedicated to a man-crush on Heath Ledger. After my man-boner for Dave Grohl the night before it took me three hours of locking myself in a room with pictures of Jessica Alba everywhere to straighten myself out.

But lets stay on track - I'd like to get something off of my ridiculously toned chest.

Batman is not a Superhero.

Even saying he is a Superhero is insulting to REAL Superheroes - in fact, I just talked to Captain America and he locked himself in his room and is crying. I tried to talk to him but he just kept screaming, "I HATE YOU" and playing Good Charlotte songs really loud.

Lets look at the facts.

Superhero (su·per·he·ro) n. A figure, especially in a comic strip or cartoon, endowed with superhuman powers and usually portrayed as fighting evil or crime.

Batman is a figure, he is in a comic strip, and he fights evil and crime. What is missing? NO SUPERHUMAN POWERS. If Batman is a Superhero, then Chief Wiggam is a Superhero.



Superman has the superhuman strength and flying, Wonderwoman has the ability to turn me on and Spider has the ability to make people take Tobey Maguire serious as an actor.

Batman is just a really rich guy that has all kinds of crazy gadgets, like Steve Jobs but Batman fights Supervillains instead of Bill Gates. (Depending on your opinion of Bill Gates I may have just proven that Steve Jobs IS Batman).

I will not dispute Batman is awesome - but Superhero he is not. I realize this argument will fall on deaf ears to you Batman fans because the Lady Friend and I had this argument for nearly 20 minutes after walking out of the movie - her main point coming back to the fact that Batman was "Awesome". Does that make ME a Superhero? Because we all know I am awesome - and I am WAY too busy to start fighting crime. That and I don't think Nickelback and Carlos Mencia count as Supervillains.

Anyways the argument with the lady was going in circles until the following comment was made -

"I'd still fuck him."

The girlfriend agreed.

22 comments:

-A said...

Steve Jobs is Batman. Agreed.

Deutlich said...

while Batman is AWESOME, he really is not a Superhero

agreed.

the almost right word said...

i just found a picture of myself, clad in early teenage angst and over-sized flannel. we could listen to nirvana and complain about our parents together!

Jocular Schlemiel said...

Am I the only one who originally thought the guitarist's name was Pap Smear?

surviving myself said...

Nickelback is definitely a super villain dude, don't be fooled.

The Maiden Metallurgist said...

If simply being awesome is now enough to qualify for superhero status I'm going to have to dig out my cape and mask.

lacochran said...

You start the post talking about your man-crush on Heath Ledger. You end the post saying you'd still fuck Batman (Christian Bale). So, now you want a three-way? And a necrophiliacy one at that.

Not judging, mind you. Just, um, noting.

On the plus side, your girlfriend seems up for, um, new options.

Angela said...

I'd still fuck him, too. Batman is, by far, my favorite "superhero."

Mel said...

I'm rocking my long floral dress and green combat boots. Let's get together and paint our nails black.

c.watson said...

Dude if you destroy nickelback we'll give you honorary super hero status for the rest of your life, you never even have to fight crime again. Because I truly believe that if they are gone from this world, then famine, war and genocide will all quickly fall by the way side, they are that evil.

Kristen said...

I would fuck catwoman I think.

rs27 said...

Finally, a guy that gets where I'm coming from.

I would totally screw Batm...

Oh.

Um, soo foo fighters you say? I like Big Me.

Lauren said...

So, due to your reasoning, would The Tick not be a superhero?

Because in my heart, he definitely is.

Rachel said...

...Do you realize you might've just outed Steve Jobs?

Shouldn't you be hiding?

Like, you know, that one guy in Dark Knight who tried to out Batman...

Wait, did you see that movie?

moooooog35 said...

Alfred is hot.

catscratch said...

Ok, ok. I agree Batman is no Superdude.

What I want to know is where Robin is classified?

saratogajean said...

I agree--Batman is not a superhero. But he is super rich, which is a nice consolation prize.

fish0462 said...

narm I believe I have the same man crush as I just added 5 hours of batman plus all the endless clips on youtube. and after my investigation, i would have to agree that batman is no superhero unless you count his superhero voice he uses from bruce wayne to batman.
Which i'm still wondering why talks with that voice to Fox when Fox knows who he is???

MsPuddin said...

no ones went to see a movie that many times since leonardo dicaprio was in titanic.

im glad you spent some time with jessica alba to get rid of that man boner. i was worried.

Iris Took said...

According to your definition, Batman is NOT a Superhero, but anyone that can catapult out of a burning wreck of a Batmoblie on a Batorcycle kicks ass and turns everyone on.

RIP Heath Ledger.

Fumbling Towards Adulthood said...

Batman is alright in that Self-Proclaimed Nice Guy sort of way. You know that guy. I know that guy. Where he's a little too...self-righteous? Too...moral? Almost annoyingly so? Who knows. But I gotcha on the questionable superhero status.

Also, my boyfriend still refers to me in social circles as "The Little Lady Friend," and we've been dating for 2+ years. I don't know why, but this makes me feel like (1) a senior citizen booty call or (2) a dog. I think it works in the first stages of coupledom, but after your girl has tolerated your farts for a year, she deserves to be bumped up in the world of insignificant labels. :) Just looking out for you!

Joseph said...

I deffinately agree with you that batman is not a superhero, but i will say this in his defence as he is my all time favourite hero. Batman is better than any other super hero because he fights the same calibur of evil and super villians as any superhero, and he does it without super powers. you take away supermans powers and you just have some other useless normal person, where as you take away Batmans, and he is still freaking awsome because he never had them nor needed them to begin with. That is all I liked your post.